Some of my humor writing-California Driver's Rules Of The Road, Part One

[MillyFan]

I finally found something in my stuff that I can post here.

This is a humor piece that I'm writing lately parodying California drivers. I will post more as I finish those sections.

I'm serious-don't steal this, PLEASE. I'm going to try selling it one day, and for that reason, I am only posting rough drafts-not my finished copy, and I'm copyrighting these.

California Driver's Rules Of The Road: Copyright 2004 by S. Moore

California Driver's Rules Of The Road

If you have lived in California for any amount of time, you will understand that the driving style in California is as different as many other things. Hence, I present the rules of the California road. Understanding and following these rules will soon enough make you a bona fide "California driver," complete with thousands of unpaid tickets, a car that looks as if it had been entered in a demolition derby, and quite possibly an arrest record the length of your arm.


One of the first things anyone needs to learn about California driving is that, unlike in other places, the word "STOP" is a relative term, not a command ordering that you put your vehicle to an instant halt. Also, many circumstances, which would in any other place warrant a tap on the brakes, do not carry that obligation in California. Nevertheless, there are still some times when, to be a true California driver, you will need to stop.

Red lights do not mean "Stop" until they have been red for at least two full seconds, except in the presence of a police car, in which case they mean "Stop and stay stopped until the police car moves." Red lights and small traffic jams also can be dodged by driving through a business parking lot to go around the light. This is called the "Gas Station Turn," owing to the fact that many gasoline stations are positioned in such a way as to make their parking lots the perfect shortcut.

"Stop" signs are deceptive. In California, a "stop" sign actually means "Slow down slightly and drive on through," a maneuver known as the California Stop. Nevertheless, one must be careful when performing the California Stop at a multidirectional stop sign, lest another driver who interprets "stopping" as reducing speed to seventy miles per hour rather than forty is coming from the other side of the intersection.

If the Highway Patrol or police request you to stop, do not stop. Yes, you will end up in jail for a long time, but you will also get your fifteen minutes (or less) of fame on TV. Who knows, you might even become a star on "World's Wildest Police Chases Volume 100, 000, 000, 000."

Green lights mean "stop." No one knows how this idea has developed. One theory is that green is the color of grass, and the speed of grass growing is slow, therefore when one sees a green light, one must reduce his/her speed to that of a growing lawn.

Another time to stop is when you are in the fast lane of a freeway or in another location where you have a backup of several irate drivers behind you and someone or something insisting that you "go." The word "go" means "stop and stay a while."

In short, "stop?" is most often a relative questioning term, rather than an imperative demand. "Go," on the other hand, is often interpreted as the imperative demand "stop," however, drivers who engage in this form of interpretation run another risk. . .

Next section: Road Rage.

[Haibane Shadsie]

I can see you becomming a great humourist! This is hilarious!

[Shao Feng-Li]

know what? this is sad...its so very true... of course we all (my family) get ticked when people do those very things lol - especialy in santa rosa...

[EireWolf]

Ah, yes... but you forgot that, in California, everybody has an invisible sticker on the front of their car that says, "cut me off, please!" ... and other Californians are only too happy to oblige.

Also, any time you see a sign that says, "No Right Turn On Red," that means, "Ignore This Sign." And be prepared to be honked and cursed at by the driver behind you if you fail to do so.

[JediSonic]

Hilarious

Road rage should be a good one... has anyone heard the email story about the grandma and the hawaiian good luck sign? I'd copy it down but my inbox got delted

[MillyFan]

2

Road rage is a phenomenon that develops when one's temper meets the open road. While the exact psychological causes of road rage are hard to pin down, events that often trigger it include grille of Old Wreck meeting bumper of New Half Million Dollar Mercedes, persons interpreting "go" as "stop" and "rush hour" as "Sunday drive," and any commute lasting longer than five minutes.

While, in many areas of the country, road rage is considered something to be avoided at all costs, this too is different in California. Here, road rage is considered a form of give and take that is to be participated in at least once, and preferably more often than that, by any serious California driver.

There are two parts to road rage: causing rage in others and venting your personal rage. First, we will go over how to cause rage in others.

Financial damages are the quickest way to enrage someone else. There are fewer experiences more enraging than having to pay for a large expense, especially when said expense is caused by the careless or stupid actions of another person who steadfastly insists that it was Not Their Fault. While causing accidents (which will be mentioned later on as a topic of its own) is a definite way to cause financial damages, it also is a rather risky way to do so.

A safer way to induce rage in others is by wasting their time. In California, everyone is on the shortest possible schedules, even a beach bum whose only point in commuting is to get to the beach while the waves are good. Hence, anything that adds time to a commute, such as allowing your car to stall in the fast lane, driving at a snail's pace, or repetitively changing lanes, is almost certain to induce some level of rage.

A way that is less safe, but infinitely more fun, at least as measured by the amount of California drivers who partake in it, is to induce fright in other drivers by near misses. Rather than an accident, a near miss ends with little or no damage, but heavily frayed nerves on all sides. There are several ways to induce a near miss.

The first and most common is called The Cutoff. It is done by driving in front of someone else making a turn or lane change, even if the space between them and another car is very small or the lane merges, leaving the only other alternative as a drive into the other car or off the road. Motorcyclists are experts at the art of this maneuver. Second in popularity is tailgating, a maneuver in which one driver, sometimes in an attempt to avoid The Cutoff and other times for no reason at all, leaves no more than a half-inch of space between his vehicle's grille and another vehicle's bumper.

Other ways include driving with no headlights, speeding, making frenzied lane changes, slamming on the brakes at random times, or driving while impaired or distracted.

One sure way to induce road rage is a hybrid of these techniques. That is, interpreting yield signs as meaning that other drivers are to yield to you, not the other way around.

Again, though, inducing road rage in others is only part of the idea. The other part is learning ways to express your rage toward other drivers and road conditions in general, and in so doing make yourself look like a very scary psychopath, even if you are, outside of your vehicle, a very nice person. . .

[MillyFan]

3 The End Of Rage

Expressing road rage is an even more vital part of being a California driver than causing road rage. In fact, this is the surest way to know that you are, indeed, a California driver-when you start to feel that the public roads are a battlefield in which you, as a driver, must prove your stake.

In expressing road rage, the first factor is intimidation, of making those sniveling mice in the other vehicles bow down to you, the Incredibly Angry One. No matter how you go about it, you will intimidate no one driving that pink Volkswagen Bug or a minivan with "My Kid Won The Computer Science Medal At Blahblah Elementary" plastered on the back.

Therefore, you need a total vehicle makeover. The best vehicle would most likely be a very large pickup truck, but if you don't like trucks, an SUV will do fine. Once you have your basic vehicle, it needs a bit of damage on the front end. If you can't get into an accident, just smash the front with a sledgehammer, then apply duct tape and spray paint to cover the damage.

Now, you need angry bumper stickers and art. A sticker with "You Toucha My Car, I Breaka Your Face," another sticker with a random profane phrase, and, if you must have a My Kid sticker, a sticker reading "My Kid Beat Up Your Kid At County Jail" should suffice. No Ragemobile is complete without that all too familiar window art of a boy using a word or another object as a potty stop. Also, place a sticker from a local martial arts dojo in your other window, and get wheel flaps with the image of a gunslinging Yosemite Sam and the words "BACK OFF!!!" printed on them. With that, you now have a vehicle that will strike fear in the hearts of your subjects.

The next thing you need to learn is that, unlike what you may have been taught elsewhere, the horn is not a device to be used as an emergency warning signal. Instead, the horn is your friend. . .and must be used at any time you have the chance. If you have to stop for one half of a millisecond, honk. If you get stuck in traffic, honk. If someone does anything you don't like, honk. And if you see that poor, ignorant out of state guy driving the Volkswagen bug, ride his bumper and honk. If all this honking wears out your horn, replace the horn with an air horn like that used on 18-wheelers.

Screaming is the next point of road rage. Despite what you have learned that screaming is usually only done by toddlers and those act like toddlers, screaming does change things-or at least, makes you feel a little better, and that is really all that matters. Scream at other drivers. Scream at other people in your car. Scream at red lights or stop signs. If you really want to live on the edge, scream at cops. Basically, there is nothing on the California road that cannot be screamed away. Learn to time your screams with your honks to make both even more effective.

Next. . .Distracted And Impaired Driving 101

[uc pseudonym]

Heh. That's pretty good. I can't wait to drive in California.

[MillyFan]

Hehehe, thank you.

[true_noir_chloe]

Ahhh, such sweet memories of driving L.A. freeways you brought back to me, Millyfan. That was great. I can hardly wait to read your next section.

I recall when I first moved to Texas and saw these signs everywhere, "Drive Friendly." Any other Texans remember those signs? I remember having that survival of the fittest mentality when I first came here, since I spent most of my driving life on L.A. freeways, and laughing. That seemed like such a funny concept. Now, I'd probably be run over if I went back and drove on the freeways of L.A.. Texas has really slowed me down.

[Fsiphskilm]

Simply hilarious.