Jet 'n Jake

[LillyAngel]

The day grew old, the light fading in the west. The birds chirped their soft, sad laments for the end of such a wonderful day. Jet looked at the sunset, and sighed loudly. Her chains clanked as she released her breath. She looked at the river, and wondered how people could stand to live on boats. She walked away from the riverbank, heading back to her apartment. Boston wasn’t very busy around this time of year, but it should have been. As Jet turned a corner, she heard a very familiar sound behind her. It was the steel-toed boots her boy friend Jake wore. She smiled lightly to her self, and then stopped short, causing Jake to trip over her. “You always do that, Jet! It’s not fair. You scare me all the time, but I can’t sneak up on you if my life depended on it.” He said as he let out an over exaggerated sigh. “Stealth. Stealth is the key to any ambush.” Jet said as she looked at Jake, who had been walking steadily behind her. “What’s that again? You know I flunked Military History. I can’t remember all those terms.” He whined as Jet pressed on, but instead of responding, she jumped onto a doorstep and stood there. Motionless.
After about a minute of so, Jake broke the silence. “Do you enjoy ignoring me?” He asked, looking at Jet, her black shirt and over-baggy black pants. He laughed to himself, and then noticed that Jet was gone. He raced after her, chains clanking, and steel-toes crunching as he sprinted towards her. “Get rid of the steel-toed boots, and make no noise. That’s the first hint to stealth.” Jake knew well enough that that wasn’t really the first key, but just something that Jet liked to tease him about. His steel-toed boots were one of his two ways of defense against Jet. She was stronger, braver and smarter than him, and she knew how to fight.
Jet was a very pretty girl, entering her second year of college. She was very much a punk, who hated talking to anyone out of her small circle of friends and her professors. Jake had gone to a vocational high school, and had taken various classes. He never knew what he was going to do for a living, but owning a convince store was enough for him. Jet was majoring in literature and studied the art of Japanese cartooning. She had books and videos on drawing the Japanese characters. Jet would spend hours at a time drawing characters for her comic, Days of Eternity. Jake respected the fact that she had a plan for her life. At the moment the two were only boy friend and girl friend, but he knew in his heart he would someday marry Jet. The two were separated; living in different apartments, in different parts of the city.
Jet looked behind her, at Jake who was deep in thought. “Jake, wake up. It’s time to go get ice-cream.” She insisted, hoping that would bring Jake to his senses. He looked at her, about three yards or so ahead of him. “Jet, you go get the ice cream. I’ll stay here and rest. The store was swamped this after-noon.” He told her as she walked over to him. She stared into his gray-green eyes, and tried to decide if he was just tired, or if he was hurt or sick. “You ok? I’ll get the ice cream if you tell me what’s wrong.” She said as she looked at his chains and spiked collar. “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just tired of people asking me the price of everything. It’s worse than school was. Let’s just go out and get something to eat.” He suggested and before Jet could argue, Jake had already hailed a taxi.
As they came within a few blocks of the restaurant, Jake told the driver to stop. He and Jet got out, and walked to Jamie’s Bar and Diner. Once inside, the two sat at the bar, and ordered. Nothing alcoholic for either of them, they got water and Shirley Temple’s. The bar was a very dark part of the restaurant, but it didn’t seem to faze either of the two. As they looked at the menu, Jet had her mind on other things. She was thinking of what her life would have been like if she had never met Jake. Two men walked past Jet and Jake, and whistled. Jet knew that Jake was trying hard not to get up and yell at them, so she hugged him. It took Jake by suprise, and yet he felt that the hug was out of nervousness, not love. He was used to this by now.

[true_noir_chloe]

I like the way the story moves by; however, you have some fragmented sentences and confusing sections of dialogue. I can't figure out how to pull in quotes, so I guess I'll just tell you... um, this is good. It needs a good edit and some rewrites. By the third or fourth draft you should have something "clicking." You also need more description with your characters appearance. You can't just say pretty, you have to say maybe something about how her eyes sparkle, or hair, how it falls on her shoulders, or have Jake make a compliment to show her beauty.

I think it would be good if you wrote a list of Jake and Jet's physical appearance. You need to become very comfortable with how they look and then convey this when you write.

It kept my attention throughout, which is very good. Is there more? Is it a short story?

Hope you the best with it.