The Eternal Book ([very] Working Title)

[aalenfae]

redacted

[~darkelfgirl~]

Ooh. Sounds mysterious.

Strange book--you open it backwards, and the beginning is there, except backwards. I wonder why her dad doesn't want her to read it?

Keep it up ^^

[USSRGirl]

Open it backwards? It IS a manga! XD Just kidding.

I really like the intro so far. Reminds me of Neverending Story. You did a good job of taking us straight into the action, and Aria sounds like she'll be a fun character. I'm wondering what kinda "evil" is lurking in Iosir. The book itself maybe? O.O Just speculation.

Um... typo patrol... wow actually I could only find two:

"with her mother, father, and sister."

"“Yes.” she responded, still whimpering." As Mister Frodo pointed out to me, you're supposed to undercase most usages of "...." she said/he said/ect. X___x;; I need to remember that myself.

Overall good story! Hope you write more!

[aalenfae]

Thanks for the comments and pointers. I fixed those typographical errors also.

[aalenfae]

redacted

[USSRGirl]

Oooh good update. Poor Aria! And here you had me thinking her parents would turn out to be evil or something and that was why she ran away. Well at least she doesn't have to eat the broccoli anymore. XD Ooh your kingdom is nice and Nazish too! Me like. I wonder if you'll plan to bring her sister back in later on as a mysterious character or something if she managed to survive. My only crit is towards the last paragraph where you start almost every sentence with "Aria" or "she." It would sound better if you mixed it up a little and worked on more creative openings. That's what I've been trying to do with my writing anyway. XD

Look forward to reading more!

[aalenfae]

Thanks for the pointer. Now that you mention it, it is a tad odd there near the end.

[~darkelfgirl~]

I love how you described the food--I could see it in front of me, hehe.
One critique--the part when the father falls dead (in my opinion) is very "bam--he died". A little description there'll do the trick--like, "he fell lifeless to the floor" or something of that sort.
I feel sorry for Aria. I mean, she suddenly an orphan and all--and now on the run.

I'd like to read more ^^

[aalenfae]

redacted

[USSRGirl]

Hehehe, I love Wilhelm's name. For some reason this reminds me a bit of Castle in the Sky, which just so happens to be one of my fav animes. Enjoyed the update! I wonder if Aria will tell him who she is or not.

[~darkelfgirl~]

That's Ok if there's no action in one section--there's a time and place for everything ^^.

[aalenfae]

Thanks for comments, once again. I've almost completed chapter 4 and will be posting it shortly.

[aalenfae]

redacted

[jon_jinn]

the story's interesting. i find the consistency of your updates to be quite noteworthy. especially since school has started and we're a lot more busy with other stuff...

[~darkelfgirl~]

What happened to her sister? Was she home when the king's men came to Aria's house?
Hmm, I wonder what the book is about...

[aalenfae]

Her sister was present that night, but nothing was said of her for a reason...

[USSRGirl]

Oooh! Intriguing! I wonder if her sister is off somewhere having her own ordeals, since she probably had to flee too? Or maybe she was captured? O.O Or maaaybe... *Has a guess but I don't wanna spoil anything* In any case, this is gettin' good.

Only crit I could come up with:

“You know, you never told me what you were doing the other night, the night I found you.” Should probably but a dash after "the other night" instead of a coma.

Also, Aria seemed to give in and talk about her ordeal the night when the king's men came to get the book from her parents kinda quick. But then she seems like sort of a blabbermouth if she talked about the book in public anyway so on second thought it kinda fits. XD

Keep updating, Aalen-kun! I wanna see what happens with Will and the book now.

[aalenfae]

redacted

[USSRGirl]

Oooh! Good update! I gotta say I love your characters. They seem "real" to me, and the little personal quirks like Aria's love of antiques make them believable. I liked hearing more about the world too. Unfortunately or fortunately I can't come up with any crit for this chapter. XD So you get away... for now! Bwahahaha!

[aalenfae]

Thanks for the comment. I'm really glad somebody's enjoying this.

[USSRGirl]

I most certainly am! And waiting in eager anticipation for Nazi type officials to tear Will's house apart. XD

[~darkelfgirl~]

You're welcome ^_^. I didn't find anything to point out--well then again, I'm not a grammar expert or anything of that sort ^^'

Nice developments with Will. Hmm, I wonder if he has any "sensing powers" despite not having magic? (Just inferring!)

P.S. I'm enjoying this too. I just reply late because of the tightness of my schedule this time of year *sigh*

[aalenfae]

Thanks, all y'all.

HOORAY! The next chapter has been completed, but I can't access it because I'm at school. I'll post it tonight.

[aalenfae]

redacted

[USSRGirl]

Nice gustapo-ish update. Interesting developments with the book. Are you a Michael Ende fan by chance? It reminded me of The Neverending Story a bit.

[aalenfae]

I'm not. I am actually rather annoyed that there was ever a book called 'The Neverending Story' because it makes me look like a literary thief. (Which is why I need to think of a good title for this)

[USSRGirl]

XD I know, I hate it when subconscious similarities to books you never even read start coming up in your writing. Makes you wanna murder the authors... erm... ^.^;;

I like Eternal Book as a title though, it sounds different enough not to bring to mind NS right off the bat. But if you do decide you change it, try thinking up something weird and haikuish that makes no sense but sounds cool. o.0 That always works for anime episode titles.

[aalenfae]

Yeah... like... I'm trying to think... Never mind. I know what you're saying though.

[aalenfae]

redacted

[~darkelfgirl~]

Ooh, these updates are very descriptive. Nice use of vocabulary, too--the rifle fact was informative. I didn't catch any mistakes except that Aria's name is not capitalized in the last sentence of the 17th paragraph:

Both aria and Wilhelm were nervous when they walked up to the Iosi guard.

Interesting developments ^^

P.S. I have that problem with the subconscious similarities. I even wonder if someone's reading my garbage or something XD