Is my faith slowly dieing, or is it because I feel lonely?

[Alexander]

Good evening.

I've been lightly talking about this among my friends here and on the forum, but I've recently been having feelings that I don't know if I should be immensely concerned about or not.

Yesterday at Church I was making a plan to meet the last real world friend I had and try to make a conversation with him. I was absolutely determined I could make something work because I had learned he had a neurological condition know as dyslexia which makes it difficult to read and write. Because I had Asperger's syndrome, I thought I could cheer him up and we both would have something in common again.

This wasn't the case. Besides a head nod and a vocal reply of "yeah", I couldn't do it. I tried 6 topics that I remembered we had loved to discuss and finally brought out that I had depended on the internet for two 1/2 years for any friendship as a last resort to gain his attention. Nothing worked.

After I had realized I had lost the last source of an actually human to talk to beyond my family, I suddenly wanted to leave church. Which my mom was already doing. And now I have no strong desire to go back. It isn't that I want to avoid my faith, but because I have no one there to talk to. I'm in the position of being in a sea of people but no one to catch so to speak.

I think, about my faith being weakened, has to do with me and God on a personal level. I don't know why or if, but I wonder if I did something really bad that caused me to suddenly face rejection and work my hardest to keep anyone close to me for even just light conversation.

Is it my fault that I'm suffering like this?

[Seppuku]

Does your church have a youth group?

My girlfriend had a similar problem we we first met, at that point she actually considered herself agnostic.

After I brought her to youth group she got to talk with peers our own age. She made friends and eventually joined me in church and once again proclaimed Christ as savior.

I too lost interest in my community church at a time. It felt mundane and dull there. I now attend an Anglican Church in which there are not many people my age but I have made very good friends among the older adults.

I suggest you seek a church group your age or simply try attending another church. You might find yourself more comfortable there.

I will be praying for you.
I'm sorry I probably don't live near you. Otherwise I would bring you with me.

[Fish and Chips]

The Earth is as a crowded as ever with the excesses of the human population, and yet loneliness is still an ever prevailant issue. We're all lonely at some time or some level, the question is really just how we handle it. Really, I'm afraid the only comforting thing I can offer right now, is that I can assure you its not your fault.

[K. Ayato]

I agree with Fish. What happened was not your fault. You did everything you could to reconnect with this friend, and in the end, he didn't respond the way you'd hoped. Yes, it's a disappointment to you, but it's not as a result of something you did.

I'm sorry you're feeling a loss of connection with the church. Have you tried looking for another one where you feel more at ease and can connect more with the members? I'll be praying for you.

[Corkyspaniel]

That's how I felt when I was with my best friend, and she was in a huge group of people she thought I liked. She thought I was antisocial because I said "you can be in a whole group of people and still feel all alone.

[GhostontheNet]

As a fellow Aspergers sufferer/enjoyer with a bit more years and experience in dealing with the syndrome under my belt, I will remark that you may almost always have difficulty relating to and being related to by people your own age, but interestingly, you'll find dealing with people who are younger or older to be far more enjoyable.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

I'd say the nature of your tag line reveals the truth. You're just lonely, I think. In my (not) many years I've found that if you ever find yourself worried that you're losing your faith, your faith is likely juuust fine. ^-^

[Alexander]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've recently made a discovery that made my own mind start to tick, and I think the discovery has finally led my heart to peace.

It all started, as most of my deep thoughts do, in the most unlikely of places.
I was watching an episode the animated Batman series, this episode being the last in Batman Beyond. In one scene, Batman (the original) has to stop a girl with physic powers from destroying all reality. The reason for this is she's become so powerful she can alter it, and is near death as a result. With her death she'll take out reality with it. The only way to stop her is to kill her before she dies. So Batman goes to meet her, but he already wasn't planning to kill her, as the girl knew ahead of time as she could read his mind. She also realizes that she only has a few minutes left to live. She starts to think about her entire lifetime, and realizes that her whole childhood had been cheated as she was locked in a government building to be trained as a weapon for justice. As with that, she knew Batman had his childhood cheated too. She then decides to fix reality, and asks Batman to stay with her with her during her last minutes of life.

Next month will be my 18th birthday. During this time in my life, most people would expect me to be planning my future with college, deep relationships, marriage, having children, ect. And I've realized that, with the person that I am, I'll probably never experience these things. And it makes the situation even more sad that, when I look back at my childhood, my experiences with RL friendships and any social situation beyond my family was also cheated. I can't go back to that time, and that's what led me to another conclusion:

Life is very short. Sure, when you and I were 16 we would look at the idea of being 50 or 60 as something very, very far away. But in reality that isn't true. And I've come to realize that every day is another day lost without anyone to even talk to outside of the electronic words I'm writing right now. And when I add the 5 years I went without any, that makes that aspect of my childhood all that more saddening. To think, the next hour, the next day, the next year, the next 5 years. It will just be more of my life lost in that aspect.

But I also think it reveals something about myself. And with who I am and how I think. The first thing being, everyone looses something in their life that someone else has. Some children only have one parent in their family, others die an early death, ect. And for me, I've had very little relationships in my lifetime. And my future might not bring in very many friends either.

Normally someone would see this situation as being bleak, but instead it's really opened up my heart. Many people have told me that I have a very gentle soul. And even though I do have sin, and I do strain from God and my faith can sometimes weaken, this is what I truly believe who I am. There are more then a few stories I could reflect of me forgiving someone when the best thing to do would have been to leave them, but I wanted to do the right thing. But not only that, but my character in general. I'm a sensitive boy, and quite possibly even more sensitive then most girls. But I want to be gentle. Isn't that what God truly wants all of humanity to be like?

To put this into conclusion, I have one last thing to add. I believe my life time of struggling to find friends was part of God's plan for me. Perhaps to open my heart and understand the having two people together has a need deeper then that of love even. And while I won't have very many, to hold every friendship I do have as tightly as possible and treasure every second I experience with this person. Offline and on.

Life is short.

But treasure every day you have.

I can also say I'm finally feeling much better with myself and in my faith. I've been dormant with my religion for the past three months. I think I would like it back.

[K. Ayato]

I'm glad you're feeling better and understanding things more . I'm still praying.

[IantheGecko]

Still praying, Aruk-kun. Praise God.

I'm glad that you're finally seeing the work of God in all this.

[Nia-chan]

Amen to that, Alex

[itch]

Your words are encouraging. I will pray for you.