Random works from The Humbled Historian

[Abassi]

Uh...Just posting some stuff I wrote...hope y'all like it. Constructive criticism is welcome and wanted.


Who I need to be(not sure about this title...)

Hidden in this lonely place
Looking in a mirror
staring at this hollow face(the empty expression)
the moons pale light revels the pain(a horrific recollection)
The fear of being broken again(It's happened so many times before)

I want to write the words
to show them what they've done
A seething hate to give them what they gave to me

But then I feel (what I thought I'd lost) once again

A light from heaven
like water to a thirsty soul
The pain recedes(though not in whole)
I hear Your voice, a whisper on the wind
Telling me to forgive again(and I know I can't keep hating them)
Though I hurt I can see the hope
Though I haven't been who I need to be
I can give this all away
And I know You will take this burden far from me

I see the happy faces of the ones
who's words cut like the blade
I watch them slice down others
Just to feel that vile pleasure of having pain repaid(a disgusting display)
To think I would ever want that(I feel so sick)
To know I've done the same things myself (I hate it)

Hating me(I hate what I see)
how is it supposed to be?

Then I feel,

A light from heaven
like water to a thirsty soul
The pain recedes(though not in whole)
I hear Your voice, a whisper on the wind
Telling me You'll forgive again(forgive me)
Though I hurt I can see the hope
Though I haven't been who I need to be
You can take this all away
I know You will take this burden far from me

When shadows fall consuming my soul
the light of You(the light of life)
comes to save me

You'll forgive(will I follow?)
You want to cure this disease and heal this heart for me(will I ask?)
If I am such a wretch then why are You still here?(I'm amazed.)
I don't know why You stay(but I'm thankful)
Lord, God help me to follow in Your way

And send,

A light from heaven
like water to this thirsty soul
The pain recedes(though not in whole)
let me hear Your voice, like a whisper on the wind
Telling me to forgive again(as You forgive)
when I hurt let me see the hope
when I haven't been who I need to be(It's always like this)
I'll give this all away
And I know You will take this burden far from me

~Abassi(The Humbled Historian)


That, was longer than I thought...I'll post another one later.

[Anna Mae]

Who I need to be(not sure about this title...) I like the title.

Hidden in this lonely place
Looking in a mirror
staring at this hollow face(the empty expression)
the moon's pale light reveals the pain(a horrific recollection)
The fear of being broken again(It's happened so many times before)I like your parenthetical additions.
I'm not sure how worried you are about semantics, but technically, the way this stanza is written, "light" is the subject.

I want to write the words
to show them what they've done More semantics: "them" refers to "words".
A seething hate to give them what they gave to me

But then I feel (what I thought I'd lost) once again

A light from heaven
like water to a thirsty soul
The pain recedes(though not in whole)
I hear Your voice, a whisper on the wind
Telling me to forgive again(and I know I can't keep hating them)
Though I hurt, I can see the hope
Though I haven't been who I need to be
I can give this all away
And I know You will take this burden far from me

I see the happy faces of the ones
whose words cut like the blade
I watch them slice down others
Just to feel that vile pleasure of having pain repaid(a disgusting display)
To think I would ever want that(I feel so sick)
To know I've done the same things myself (I hate it)

Hating me(I hate what I see)
how is it supposed to be? I can relate.

Then I feel,

A light from heaven
like water to a thirsty soul
The pain recedes(though not in whole)
I hear Your voice, a whisper on the wind
Telling me You'll forgive again(forgive me)
Though I hurt, I can see the hope
Though I haven't been who I need to be
You can take this all away
I know You will take this burden far from me Your juxtaposition of these last two lines caught my eye. I tend to be of the bent of mind that would first say, "You can take this all away. . . but will You?"

When shadows fall, consuming my soul,
the light of You(the light of life)
comes to save me

You'll forgive(will I follow?) Good line.
You want to cure this disease and heal this heart for me(will I ask?) Interesting.
If I am such a wretch then why are You still here?(I'm amazed.)
I don't know why You stay(but I'm thankful)
Lord, God help me to follow in Your way

And send,

A light from heaven
like water to this thirsty soul
The pain recedes(though not in whole)
let me hear Your voice, like a whisper on the wind
Telling me to forgive again(as You forgive)
when I hurt, let me see the hope
when I haven't been who I need to be(It's always like this)
I'll give this all away
And I know You will take this burden far from me Once again, I like this line, especially in the context of the one preceding it.

Have you considered putting this poem to music? I can see it working very well as a song. Anyway, I like it. It expresses good ideas well. I especially like your use of parenthetical inserts; they give a good flavor and add to the meaning. I can personally relate to both the message (journey) and the style in which it is written.