I just wanted to bring this forward to all of you, an issue that's been going through my head, for prayer and also for second (or third) opinions.
To you now I submit a letter I just wrote to a friend of mine:
Hey XXXXX,
Hope everything is going well down there. I just needed to get all my thoughts out and get your opinion. What this is all about is the date at which I was saved, whether that was in Kindergarten or 2 years ago. Now, don't think this has anything to do with me BEING saved, that I know, I'm just trying to figure out when.
As you know I've always said that Kindergarten was the time when I accepted Christ, but I'm have doubts about it but would like a second opinion. Here's some reasons I have suspisions:
-I remember in my youth that for a time I thought that every time I sinned I needed to ask for salvation again.
-I've come to think that a lot of my "good" behavior might have been more culture-inspired, if you follow me. It was the rules at CSY and the way I was raised,so really I think that what might have been the source of that. As you and I both know well, when we were by ourselves (or at least when I was), we would get into some things that we definately shouldn't have.
- Most of the information on God's word, I would believe, would be because it was required of me in Christian school and not of actual earnest study on my own. I will attest that when I was young, I didn't do devotions, want to go to church, joke around during that Bible Assembly at School, and not really pray on my own except maybe when I was in trouble. Likewise, if asked to do Christian service, I would act like they had asked me to do something incredible.
- I also know that on at least one, if not more, occassions in my life I have prayed for Salvation, though with no real change occurring and that, in those times, I was afraid of the coming of the Rapture and End Times things, and the such.
-After the time I had gone to Vo-Tech, which I would call my "back-sliden" time, I think perhaps with just a little bit more lackness on rules I merely embrassed further my human nature. I knew the information and all, but I would act like I was embarrassed of being a Christian or what they taught or fitting in or something. Likewise, this leads me to believe that my initial plea to go there ("We all need to step out into the world and be lights" or something like that), was more excuse than honesty, making use of the information that I had taken in, though it is quite true.
-Despite this, though, there are times when I can remember signs of conviction. The most vivid memory would be on my Spain trip when one of my roommates asked me to lye and go down and get matches so he could smoke. I knew it was wrong, and against the rules, and something in me cried out for me not to do it, though there was still a struggle (I sat in the bathroom for.... quite a while) on whether to do it or not.
-Finally, I'll admit, in a Christian setting such as when I was invited to the youth group at your church, I felt awkward like I would stick out like a sore thumb.
This behavior changed in November, 2001, though, when I commited my life fully to Christ. My behavior, love for God and His word, and in my relationship to all spiritual things, made a great turn and has been advancing ever since, for which I praise God.
Now then, this leads me to my debate: Since Kindergarten, was I merely a nominal, Carnal Christian or have I truly been unsaved and only truly came to Christ 2 years ago.
Any input you might be able to give me would be greatly appreciated, my friend. Talk to you later.
In Christ,
XXXXXX
If you could, just keep me in y'all's prayers and if anyone could offer any input, mucho thanks!
