Hitokiri's Music

[fairyprincess90]

::sigh::
i wish i could write as good as you do!!!
good stufff!

[Anna Mae]

""Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?"" Why is the title in double quotes?

I meant it to be like someone is asking it. So someone, in the title, is doing the talking.

Ah. When you have quotes within quotes, you just do single quotes for the interior one. Allow me to give an example:
"Then he said, 'I like dogs!'" she explained.
In this case I would advise you to format the title like so: "Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?"

and another hundred or so people were killedWhat a good, enjoyable topic.

Indeed and thier is a reason behind that.

You have become numb to others' suffering?

The cross, to me, indictates pain that Christ endured. So, I think by putting the cross to something else indicates a high level pain. By rebeling God, that becomes painful.

How interesting.

What I see this as is all the stuff I go through and yet I try and not to make it better.

I am not certain that I understand.

I don't care when people die yet I care about people.

So, you are saying that you like to move on once people have died; you prefer to do what you can for the people you can still help instead of dwelling in the past?

[Anna Mae]

TOLKIEN!!!!Hurrah!

"The Northern Wastes"
I have some punctuation suggestions for clarity that I will be making note of in the poem
In the northern peaks of Hithaeglir,
The frozen desert of death,
The cold stings bone and marrow in the land
No men dare dwell.
It is a land of mighty beasts
Howling in the northern night.
Mighty fissures of ice rise
In this northern waste

Chorus
Snow and ice, men do fear (They fear the snow and ice, Northern Wastes, or both? Please rephrase to carify.)
The Northern Wastes
Anyone foolish enough to enter it's domain
Recieves a icy tomb!
The Northern Wastes!

The Mountains of Angmar,
The ruins of Carn Dûm,
are where the Witch King once dwelt,
Infested by orcs, wolves and trolls.
In Mount Gundabad
Caverns of goblins
Infest the mountains.
The deadly northern waste!

Chorus

Cold Drakes of fear,
Great worms of earth,
Smash with death
Great Dragons of scalesand
Dwarvish foes to the end.
Mighty is this breed,
Fathered from the pets of Morgoth
In the Northern Wastes!

Chorus

Foolish are those
Who challenge the northern ice.
Death to those who wander,
Driven to numbness as
Feasts for the white wolves
In the Northern Waste.
Prepare for its death-cold bite.

Vivid description.

[Hitokiri]

Ah. When you have quotes within quotes, you just do single quotes for the interior one. Allow me to give an example:
"Then he said, 'I like dogs!'" she explained.
In this case I would advise you to format the title like so: "Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?"

Thanks

You have become numb to others' suffering?

Yes. It's hard not to here a story about how a person have died, think "how sad" and go on with your life.

I am not certain that I understand.

Let's say I have a drug problem. I know it is hurting me, I know I shouldn't do it, and I want to quit but I don't.

TOLKIEN!!!!Hurrah!

In fact, I was talking to my friend who has been wanting to make at least "some" music and I introduced him to Battlelore (a power metal band that use Tolkien's works for thier basis of writing i.e. my sig lyrics). He doesn't like metal but he was impressed and loved this band. So a few weeks later, I told him I wrote tolkien-esque lyrics and he had me print them out and he's gonna try and write music to them.

"The Northern Wastes"

I have some punctuation suggestions for clarity that I will be making note of in the poem

Thanks. I am not a grammar nazi. I do proof-read these after I post them up but I tend to fail and see some of the details.

Snow and ice, men do fear (They fear the snow and ice, Northern Wastes, or both? Please rephrase to carify.)

The Northern Wastes is ice and snow.

Thanks and I am adding 2 more I wrote (for the reason I said above).

[Hitokiri]

::sigh::
i wish i could write as good as you do!!!
good stufff!

Thanks for the kind words ^_^

Though I am hardly as gifted as writer as some that I have met.

"Mirkwood the Great"

Eastern lies a dark green shadow.
Past the towering misty peaks
Further then the great river Anduin.
Lies the greatest of forests.
Mirkwood the Dark.

Under the dark branches.
Thranduil made his domain.
A hidden fortress beneath the earth.
Silvan elves from Doriath.
Unkind to orcs and dwarves alike.
Cautious to outsiders.
Feasts in the shaded wood.
The folk of greenleaves.

Chorus
Darkness lies beneath the trees.
Feasts in it's the halls of spring.
Mirkwood the Great, mysterious and enchanting.
Th elast great forest of Middle-Earth

Greenwood the Great it was once was.
Until the darkness settled in it's heights.
The towering dungeon of evil, Dol Guldor.
Infested by orcs and trolls.
Home of the Necromancer.

The Necromancer, Sauron in disguise
Infesting the woods with orcs.
Dark things came to live.
Under his mighty evil reign.
Until he was driven forth.
From the powers of the Whote Council.
Returning to his land of Flame.
Dol Goldor brooded still.

Chorus

A party of dwarves and a hobbit.
Passed beneath thier shade.
Captured by spiders; death was at hand.
Until naked steel did flash.
The spider fled or were slewn.
By the mighty orc-bane, Sting.
Wielded by Bilbo of the Shire.
Though, captured by wood-elves.
Recieved no kindess from those woodland elves.
In thier quest towards Erebor.

Chorus

Fire and smoke awoke in the wood.
In the final days of evil.
Orcs of Dol Guldor attacked Thranduil.
After a great reck, Thranduil arose the victor.
Evil destroyed; Dol Goldur laid bare.
Mirkwood the Great became free again.

"Enchanted"

Elvish magic.
Enchanted pools.
Glittering trees.
The arts of the Elves.
Shimmering lights.
Graceful forms.
The arts of the Elves.
Visions of the Land in the West.
Of glory and honor.
Engraved in timeless halls.
The undying race, the Elves.
The firstborn.

Chorus
Beyond magical dreams.
Lies a country of green fields.
Beyond a silver curtain.
And a swift sunrise.
Lies the Lands of Elves.

Hopeless wars.
Dreadul ban.
Legendary heroes.
The lore of the Elves.
Victorious battles.
Sorrowful tears.
The lore of the Elves
Exiles of the Land of Aman.
Of the Curse of Feanor.
Engraved in thier timeless thoughts.
The undying race, the Elves.
The srrowful.

Chorus

Elvish maidens
Surpassing in grace
Luthien the most beutiful
Bride of Beren Erchamon
Worthy of story and song

Chorus

The Elvish race
Wise and powerful.
Yet foolish and sorrowful.
Now passing in silence.
Into the lands in the West.

[Hitokiri]

Another experimenation. I wanted this song to sound just...kinda dream like. Like nothing makes sense. Oh! I know! It's Fooly-Cooly-ish haha.

"My Heart, My Heart Whispers Visions"

I've started down this road
To many times.
Blind eyes stare from the flowers.
My beutiful flower.
Admist this poetic leaves
Lies a sword and a shield.
I looked at them in disgust.
In the black-painted sky
I saw a cloud
That looks alot like my mother.
I took a brush to this pallet
And painted a scene in spring.
In honor of you
I broke my heart.
In the middle of me
Lies a foundering sea.
A foundering sea.
And in this foundering sea
Lies the middle of you
The middle of you
Where our two middles will meet
And we will become whole again.
Fall leaves rustle the dead
The cemetary is choked with weeds.
Oh God why is this to be
That the dead's veins become roots
Wood men dead men
In thier coffins of wood
A roaring thunder
The thunder of myself
My heartstrings
Will bleed sanity
I feel my bones ache inside me.
My heart burns with fervor
In the middle of me
Lies a foundering sea.
A foundering sea.
And in this foundering sea
Lies the middle of you
The middle of you
Where our two middles will meet
And we will become whole again.
I watch the branches sway in the air.
As the moon falls closer
Behind me lies the sun
Flying away from me
The stars begin to dance
In this celestrial celebration
I celebrate
I celebrate
I celebrate
We celebrate
This celestrial overture
I am on my knees
Amoungst this choatic symphany
Come with me
O Darling
In the middle of me
Lies a foundering sea.
A foundering sea.
And in this foundering sea
Lies the middle of you
The middle of you
Where our two middles will meet
And we will become whole again.
We will become whole again.

[Anna Mae]

Ah. When you have quotes within quotes, you just do single quotes for the interior one. Allow me to give an example:
"Then he said, 'I like dogs!'" she explained.
In this case I would advise you to format the title like so: "Momma, Where Do You Lock Away the Sadness?"

Thanks

Oh, I just realized that I made a mistake in my example. I omitted a space between the quotation marks. It should read: "Then he said, 'I like dogs!' " she explained.
Sorry about that!

I am not a grammar nazi.

Yes, well, I had THE grammar nazi for an English teacher last year (She even accepts the name!). That was a crazy year.

"Mirkwood the Great"

Eastern lies a dark green shadow.
Past the towering misty peaks
Further then This should be 'than' instead of 'then' because you are making a comparison. the great river Anduin.
Lies the greatest of forests.
Mirkwood the Dark.

Under the dark branches. I would omit this period.
Thranduil made his domain. This period should probably be a comma instead.
A hidden fortress beneath the earth.
Silvan elves from Doriath.Since this is similar to a bulleted list (minus the bullets), I would take out the periods in teh rest of this stanza.
Unkind to orcs and dwarves alike.
Cautious to outsiders.
Feasts in the shaded wood.
The folk of greenleaves.

Chorus
Darkness lies beneath the trees.
Feasts in it's the halls of spring.This line does not make sense.
Mirkwood the Great, mysterious and enchanting.
Th elast great forest of Middle-EarthTypo, I believe.

Greenwood the Great it was once was.
Until the darkness settled in it's heights.Possessive "its" does not have an apostrophe.
The towering dungeon of evil, Dol Guldor.
Infested by orcs and trolls.
Home of the Necromancer.

The Necromancer, Sauron in disguise
Infesting the woods with orcs.For this sentence to contain a verb you would need to change 'infesting' to a different form.
Dark things came to live.Omit this period.
Under his mighty evil reign. Omit this one also.
Until he was driven forth. And this one
From the powers of the Whote Council. I trust you mean White Council.
Returning to his land of Flame. I believe that this should be a comma.
Dol Goldor brooded still.

Chorus

A party of dwarves and a hobbit.
Passed beneath thier shade. Their
Captured by spiders] This period would be better served as a comma.[b]
Until naked steel did flash.
The spider fled or were slewn.Make 'spider' plural or make 'were' singular, and remove the period.
By the mighty orc-bane, Sting.You certainly are period happy today. To make things easier on yourself you could just skip punctuation at the end of lines altogether. That's one of the advantages of writing poetry; you can do things like that
Wielded by Bilbo of the Shire.
Though, captured by wood-elves.
Recieved no kindess from those woodland elves.
In thier quest towards Erebor.

Chorus

Fire and smoke awoke in the wood.This is a good sentence. I like the imagery.
In the final days of evil.
Orcs of Dol Guldor attacked Thranduil.
After a great wreck, Thranduil arose the victor.
Evil destroyed; Dol Goldur laid bare.
Mirkwood the Great became free again.
You would make a great bard!

[Anna Mae]

"My Heart, My Heart Whispers Visions"

I've started down this road
Too many times.
Blind eyes stare from the flowers.
My beautiful flower.
Admist these poetic leaves
Lay a sword and a shield.
I looked at them in disgust.You switch from present tense to past tense here. Is that just part of the trippy-ness of the dream?
In the black-painted sky
I saw a cloud
That looks alot like my mother.Now you're in present tense again.
I took a brush to this palletAnd we're back in the past.
And painted a scene in spring.
In honor of you
I broke my heart.
In the middle of me
Lies a foundering sea.Do you mean 'floundering?'
A foundering sea.
And in this foundering sea
Lies the middle of you
The middle of you
Where our two middles will meet
And we will become whole again.
Fall leaves rustle the dead I would say Autumn here, instead of Fall, to eleminate confusion.
The cemetary is choked with weeds.
Oh God why is this to be
That the dead's veins become rootsI like this line.
Wood men dead men
In their coffins of wood
A roaring thunder
The thunder of myself
My heartstrings
Will bleed sanityAn interesting thought.
I feel my bones ache inside me.
My heart burns with fervor
In the middle of me
Lies a foundering sea.
A foundering sea.
And in this foundering sea
Lies the middle of you
The middle of you
Where our two middles will meet
And we will become whole again.
I watch the branches sway in the air.
As the moon falls closer
Behind me lies the sun
Flying away from me
The stars begin to dance
In this celestrial celebration
I celebrate
I celebrate
I celebrate
We celebrate
This celestrial overture
I am on my knees
Amoungst this choatic symphany
Come with me
O Darling
In the middle of me
Lies a foundering sea.
A foundering sea.
And in this foundering sea
Lies the middle of you
The middle of you
Where our two middles will meet
And we will become whole again.
We will become whole again.

Interesting. Very dreamlike.

[Hitokiri]

Feasts in it's the halls of spring.[/b]This line does not make sense.

Ahhh..."Feasts in the Halls of Spring" maybe?

Th elast great forest of Middle-EarthTypo, I believe.

Yep

From the powers of the Whote Council. I trust you mean White Council.

You are correct.

I looked at them in disgust.[b]You switch from present tense to past tense here. Is that just part of the trippy-ness of the dream?

Yes

I took a brush to this palletAnd we're back in the past.

I mean tthat to be present haha.

Lies a foundering sea.Do you mean 'floundering?'

Nope, I meant "foundering" as in:
To sink below the surface of the water
To cave in]That the dead's veins become rootsI like this line.[/quote]

Thanks

Interesting. Very dreamlike.

Thanks.

[Anna Mae]

[quote="Hitokiri"]Nope, I meant "foundering" as in:
To sink below the surface of the water
To cave in]I have learned a new word today.

[Hitokiri]

I have learned a new word today.

Yeah for learning new words

"This Is Long"

I sat down one night
Writing down my memoirs
On the back of my hand
I hears voices from my palm
They seemed to whisper my sins.
A face in a painting leered at me.
As I swallowed my pride
I dived into
Into my hole I had dug for myself.
I saw many faces whom I loved
But all died from my words
I saw my children and my wife
My mother, father, and sister
They seemed riddled in pain
Yet relishing in the sensation
Dancing a joy of murderous desires
I stared into thier heartless heart
I told myself:
"In this fake world there is no abolsutes"
But this world I created thereafter
I am god
A god of everything and nothing
I inherited a empty throne
I persecuted those I feared
And bowed myself down to those
I loved with a black half-heart
But this hole I sunk into
My barred, bleeding chest
Pulsates with my poison I made
I fell further and further
Until I found myself in the heavenly airs
Above the pagan kingdoms of the world
I tore the sky down and dashed the stars
Into the beaches
I hid myself and my line
And the world I created
Fell down like a stage curtain
On the close of a tragic play
When the audience is silent long afterwards
Are they thinking
"What I disturbed man?"
"He was crazy!"
Or are they thinking
"I can relate with his pain"
So as I wrote my memoirs
I tried to recall that pain
Standing alone on the stage of life
To a audience of ghosts and spirits
But the pain feeld from me
Leaving me only numb, cold, and despair
So I tried to recall the joy I felt
I had none
Save for when I saw my mothers face
From the womb
These tears I shed while writing this
Blotted my ink and I sank in a heap
Admist bruning toast and a choir
Of chaotic musings.
I remembered the joy
But saddness and despair accompanied it.
Most I remove emotion from myself
In order to be happy?
Or must I just bear the pain.
In this heartless heart of mine.

[Anna Mae]

"This Is Long" Interesting title.

I sat down one night
Writing down my memoirs I would advise not using he word 'down' twice in such quick succession.
On the back of my hand For some reason I got the impression that you wrote in blood, although you didn't say that.
I heard voices from my palm
They seemed to whisper my sins. Why do you suddenly start to use periods? I would use them in all of the poem or not at all.
A face in a painting leered at me.
As I swallowed my pride
I dived into Do you mean to have 'into' twice in a row?
Into my hole I had dug for myself.
I saw many faces whom I loved
But all died from my words They died from words that you uttered after arriving in the hole, or previously?
I saw my children and my wife Call me unobservant, but I did not know that you were married and had kids.
My mother, father, and sister
They seemed riddled in pain
Yet relishing in the sensation They were enjoying it, or you were?
Dancing a joy of murderous desires
I stared into their heartless heart Collectively they only have one heart?
I told myself:
"In this fake world there is no abolsutes" Subject-verb agreement needs to be fixed here.
But this world I created thereafter
I am god
A god of everything and nothing
I inherited a empty throne
I persecuted those I feared
And bowed myself down to those
I loved with a black half-heart You performed the action of loving with a black half-heart, or you bowed with a black half-heart? Your line break leaves this ambiguous.
But this hole I sunk into This line does not flow with the surrounding ones.
My barred, bleeding chest
Pulsates with my poison I made 'Pulsates' probably should not be present tense.
I fell further and further
Until I found myself in the heavenly airs You were in heaven (In which case it is below the Earth... or below the plane of your emotions), or 'airs' as in puttings-on?
Above the pagan kingdoms of the world So you operate on a totally different plane?
I tore the sky down and dashed the stars
Into the beaches
I hid myself and my line Your bloodline?
And the world I created What world? The hole?
Fell down like a stage curtain Oh. You hid the world along with yourself and your line, or the world fell? Punctuation would clarify.
On the close of a tragic play
When the audience is silent long afterwards
Are they thinking The tenses you shift between around this part are interesting... in a good way.
"What I disturbed man?" This question does not make sense.
"He was crazy!"Was? You died, or your acting was weird?
Or are they thinking
"I can relate with his pain" 'With' should probably be 'to' in this case.
So as I wrote my memoirs
I tried to recall that pain
Standing alone on the stage of life Does this mean that you feel that your life is an act?
To a audience of ghosts and spirits
But the pain fled from me
Leaving me only numb, cold, and despair
So I tried to recall the joy I felt
I had none
Save for when I saw my mother's face
From the wombInteresting. Please comment.
These tears I shed while writing this
Blotted my ink and I sank in a heap Does this mean that emotion spoiled your work?
Admist bruning toast and a choir
Of chaotic musings.
I remembered the joy
But saddness and despair accompanied it.
Most I remove emotion from myself
In order to be happy?
Or must I just bear the pain.
In this heartless heart of mine.

This is certainly a most interesting poem. I would like to hear you talk about it. Does it have to do with your Emotions thread in the prayer forum?

[Hitokiri]

Wow - lots of comments! Basically I write poems abou tme but some are not about me....this one is not. It's about a guy who is just lost in his thoughts. He goes to remember them but he spirals out of control and get's lost in his confusion.

"This Is Long" Interesting title.

I found it rather clever.

I sat down one night
Writing down my memoirs I would advise not using he word 'down' twice in such quick succession.

Ahhh I see. Maybe "I wrote out my memoirs."?

They seemed to whisper my sins. Why do you suddenly start to use
periods? I would use them in all of the poem or not at all.

Force of habit.

I dived into Do you mean to have 'into' twice in a row?

Yeah

Into my hole I had dug for myself.
I saw many faces whom I loved
But all died from my words They died from words that you uttered after arriving in the hole, or previously?

Hmm this is worded wierd. I meant to say the faces I saw in the hole were the result of my words thus they died from my words.

I saw my children and my wife Call me unobservant, but I did not know that you were married and had kids.

I feel sorry for my wife and kids since I am a complete doofus. Now I am not married nor have any children. Like I said earlier, this poem is not about me.

My mother, father, and sister
They seemed riddled in pain
Yet relishing in the sensation They were enjoying it, or you were?

They were. What I wanted to portray as the guy in the poem, the loved ones he hurt were in pain yet they were happy to be in pain because thier hatred for him. I guess it didn't go off to well.

I stared into their heartless heart Collectively they only have one heart?

Tis a typo

I loved with a black half-heart You performed the action of loving with a black half-heart, or you bowed with a black half-heart? Your line break leaves this ambiguous.

The guy bowed to those he had feighned love for but secretly hated them.

I fell further and further
Until I found myself in the heavenly airs You were in heaven (In which case it is below the Earth... or below the plane of your emotions), or 'airs' as in puttings-on?

Heavenly airs to me tells that the location that is being indicated means it's VERY high in the sky. I am not sure if I am the only one who looks at it this way.

Above the pagan kingdoms of the world So you operate on a totally different plane?

I honestly can tell what I meant there haha

I hid myself and my line Your bloodline?

The guys bloodline

And the world I created What world? The hole?
Fell down like a stage curtain Oh. You hid the world along with yourself and your line, or the world fell? Punctuation would clarify.

The world that was created as the result of being a self-made god.

"What I disturbed man?" This question does not make sense.

Typo. Supposed to be a "!".

"He was crazy!"Was? You died, or your acting was weird?

He is crazy in general is the question. Being afterwards, it's only appropriate for that to be past tense correct?

Standing alone on the stage of life Does this mean that you feel that your life is an act?

Or that he is all alone as he lives his life.

So I tried to recall the joy I felt
I had none
Save for when I saw my mother's face
From the wombInteresting. Please comment.

The person has felt no joy for his life save for seeing his mother during birth. I meant to illustrate a baby actually being born and seeing his/her mother for the first time while still in her bosom.

Blotted my ink and I sank in a heap Does this mean that emotion spoiled your work?

Yes.

This is certainly a most interesting poem. I would like to hear you talk about it. Does it have to do with your Emotions thread in the prayer forum?

In part. Yes it did.

[Anna Mae]

Wow - lots of comments! Basically I write poems abou tme but some are not about me....this one is not. It's about a guy who is just lost in his thoughts. He goes to remember them but he spirals out of control and get's lost in his confusion.

Aha.

Maybe "I wrote out my memoirs."?

I just thought of this: do you really mean to have multiple memoirs, do you just mean memories? I would say "To write out my memoir."

Heavenly airs to me tells that the location that is being indicated means it's VERY high in the sky. I am not sure if I am the only one who looks at it this way.

It seemed odd to me because I think of a hole as going downward, and so for it to open above everything did not make sense. However, that is alright because the poem is trippy.

"What I disturbed man?" This question does not make sense.

Typo. Supposed to be a "!".

But what about the I?

He is crazy in general is the question. Being afterwards, it's only appropriate for that to be past tense correct?

I suppose that it is correct.

[Hitokiri]

But what about the I?

Ohhhhh...I missed that twice ;:Hits self with board::

It's an "a" instead of a "I".

I thought of this very small poem while working today.

"Mark of Necrosis"

Beneath the whitest snow
Secret catacombs built long ago
Hushed screams trapped within
Our live's end is about to begin.

[Anna Mae]

"Mark of Necrosis" Mark of death. Hmm.

Beneath the whitest snow
Secret catacombs built long ago
Hushed screams trapped within
Our life's end is about to begin. The poem would flow better if you made it a complete sentence.

So, what does it mean?

[Hitokiri]

"Mark of Necrosis" Mark of death. Hmm.

Beneath the whitest snow
Secret catacombs built long ago
Hushed screams trapped within
Our life's end is about to begin. The poem would flow better if you made it a complete sentence.

So, what does it mean?

Don't know. Just something I made in my head. Really holds no true meaning besides sounding really cool.

[Anna Mae]

Ah. I know the feeling.

[fairyprincess90]

i liked THIS IS LONG

it was really good in my opinion... ^_^

[Hitokiri]

"A Shadow did Orchestrate a Lie"

Lost in endless dreams
She runs towards a fake light
Her mouth is dry
Demons cling to her back
Her eyes water
Her spirit flees
She is numb
She is dead

Thousands of windows
Pass her by
Mocking faces
In the passing twilight
She hides herself in the heath
She cries out
Her baby swoons inside her
She lost everything
In her moment of desapir

God has rejected her
He has shut her off
For her murders and betrayal
She runs naked in the forests
Of the earth
Sleeping with her enemies
Allowing herself to be made a slave

She is deaf and cold
Tired of her sinful pleasures
Night after night of sin
The darkness hides her mind
Alone in the hills
Feeding off her babies
She cuts them out
A abortion in vain
She feeds off thier skin
And howls to the distant shadows

His mercy does not allow
For her to enter into grace
For she has rebuked him
Became cold and distant
To his love
She is alone in the desert
A tainted jewel amoung thorns
A princess raped and beaten
By her own.

Will she recover?
How does she life?
She will take her life
In the lonliness of her heart
God gave her a hand
But she carved blasphemies on her heart
God gave her love
But she slept with His enemies
God gave her a mouth
But she cursed and rebuked Him
God gave her a womb
But she cut out her offspring like weeds

God will cut her out
Like she did with her children
She grows numb and brittle
At the brink of death
The light fades in her eyes
She draws her last breath
Her children will fail
Doomed to hopeless wandering and slaughter
She will life forever
Hearing thier moans and wailing
The sound of thier blood
Splattering on the floor

She will exist only in anguish
For she held for a lie in darkness
That lie seeded and ate the light
Till it grew into a shadow of a shadow
Now she is gone.
Lost amoung the deepest pits of hatred,
Wailing, moaning, and lamenting.
That she sinned without regret.

"Wallowing in the Lower Level Waters that Lies Between Heaven and Hell: I Will Take Back My Soul Through Force"

I tried to swallow my pride
But I puked it up again
I licked it up while crying
I smothered my face in filth and disease
You laughed at my heartache
Oh god of misfortune
A slave to your desires
I salute you, my god
I salute your back
As you kill your followers
I blindly follow, carrying your banner
Swords pierce from behind
And gunshots to my head
You make me insane
Inside my inner shell lies a innocent child
Who is beaten
The vileness seeps down it's inner walls
A waterfall of disease
It swallows it's pride
I stand there naked
Devoid of light
Devoid of happiness
Devoid of a god
To call my own
Clothe me O' god of materialism
Create me to be your poster boy
O god of everything I hate
These chambers of filth and slime
These chambers of filth and slime
Don't tell me you love me
But kiss me deeply
Love one love one
I love you my love one
I only loved once
and now I have to die
on this pyre of bones and gold
And a broken god
Who failed me
and whom I have failed.

I wanted to run this by with everyone (especially Anna Mae since she posts here most often which I am most thankful for). I like to add a edgy feel to my writing. I don't want to shock people but I want to explore things never explored. Because of that, my writing tends to be rather disturbing and/or offensive. I post my lyrics in several forums however for this forum, I do edit my lyrics to be more acceptable and clean for CAA since this is a Christian site. Now, I dislike censoring my work but I do prefer myself doing the censoring then someone else.

Now, what is everyone's viewpoints on this? Should I leave my lyrics in it's orginal text or censor it out? Censoring as taking offensive material out of the lyrics. For instance, in Wallowing I describe someone being taken into a chamber and being abused. It's obviously metaphorical however can be offensive to someone. As well, I used the word "slave" when originally it was the "b-word". I want my lryics to be enjoyed by everyone yet I enjoy writing in a edgy-type fashion.

Thoughts?

[Anna Mae]

Yay for more poetry!

"A Shadow did Orchestrate a Lie"

Lost in endless dreams
She runs towards a fake light
Her mouth is dry
Demons cling to her back
Her eyes water
Her spirit flees
She is numb
She is dead

Thousands of windows
Pass her by
Mocking faces
In the passing twilight I would suggest using a word other than 'passing' since you just used it.
She hides herself in the heath Why did you choose heath?
She cries out It would be better if you did not start two lines in a row with the same word.
Her baby swoons inside her Oh! This adds another layer.
She lost everything
In her moment of desapir So the baby died?

God has rejected her I expect I'll hear a good reason...
He has shut her off
For her murders and betrayal
She runs naked in the forests
Of the earth So she hasn't repented yet for her sins? I still am not convinced that God would abandon her.
Sleeping with her enemies In the euphamistic sense, I presume.
Allowing herself to be made a slave

She is deaf and cold
Tired of her sinful pleasures
Night after night of sin
The darkness hides her mind
Alone in the hills
Feeding off her babies So she runs away from the enemy camp and then practices cannibalism on her children in order to survive?
She cuts them out
A abortion in vain It should be 'an.'
She feeds off their skin
And howls to the distant shadows

His mercy does not allow
For her to enter into grace
For she has rebuked him Are you referencing the blaspheming the Holy Spirit thing?
Became cold and distant I thought He preferred lukewarm...
To his love
She is alone in the desert
A tainted jewel among thorns An interesting image to choose.
A princess raped and beaten I got the impression that that stuff was of her own volition.
By her own. They were referred to as enemies earlier.

Will she recover? This sounds like a trailer here...
How does she life? This line doesn't make sense.
She will take her life
In the lonliness of her heart
God gave her a hand This line and the next seem odd. Please explain.
But she carved blasphemies on her heart
God gave her love
But she slept with His enemies
God gave her a mouth I might change 'mouth' to 'voice' or 'song.'
But she cursed and rebuked Him
God gave her a womb
But she cut out her offspring like weeds

God will cut her out Life for life...? Eye for eye...?
Like she did with her children
She grows numb and brittle
At the brink of death
The light fades in her eyes
She draws her last breath
Her children will fail But they've all been eaten by now anyway...
Doomed to hopeless wandering and slaughter
She will live forever
Hearing their moans and wailing
The sound of their blood
Splattering on the floor I like those last two lines.

She will exist only in anguish
For she held for a lie in darkness
That lie seeded and ate the light Reminds me of Ungoliant.
Till it grew into a shadow of a shadow
Now she is gone. Suddenly there are periods. I assume the sudden advent of punctuation is intentional?
Lost among the deepest pits of hatred, For getting the first period of the poem, her gone-ness isn't very final.
Wailing, moaning, and lamenting.
That she sinned without regret. So at this point she is in the Lake of Fire.

Your work here reminds me of what God has to say about Babylon in Revelation.

I am not sure that your message was in this poem.

[Anna Mae]

"Wallowing in the Lower Level Waters that Lies Between Heaven and Hell: I Will Take Back My Soul Through Force"You've got a subject-verb agreement problem here.

I tried to swallow my pride
But I puked it up againI like that image.
I licked it up while crying But now why did you lick it up?
I smothered my face in filth and disease
You laughed at my heartache
Oh god of misfortune So you are not addressing YHWH here.
A slave to your desires
I salute you, my god
I salute your back
As you kill your followers
I blindly follow, carrying your banner Pointed use of the two use of 'follow' in such close proximity to eachother. Good.
Swords pierce from behind
And gunshots to my head
You make me insane
Inside my inner shell lies a innocent child
Who is beaten
The vileness seeps down its inner walls It seeps down the inside of the shell, so that it will eventually fill up and drown the child?
A waterfall of disease
It swallows its pride Why does the waterfall have to swollow its pride?
I stand there naked You, the child, or have you gone inside yourself?
Devoid of light
Devoid of happiness
Devoid of a god
To call my own
Clothe me O god of materialism
Create me to be your poster boy
O god of everything I hate
These chambers of filth and slime
These chambers of filth and slime I'm surprised that you haven't used the words putrid or cesspool yet.
Don't tell me you love me
But kiss me deeply The thought of kissing at this point in the poem is absolutely disgusting (which was probably your goal).
Love one love one This line does not make sense.
I love you my love one Do you mean 'loved one?'
I only loved once
and now I have to die
on this pyre of bones and gold I liek the way the bones and gold are mixed.
And a broken god
Who failed me
and whom I have failed. Who failed first?

What was the meaning of this poem?

I wanted to run this by with everyone (especially Anna Mae since she posts here most often which I am most thankful for). I like to add a edgy feel to my writing. I don't want to shock people but I want to explore things never explored. Because of that, my writing tends to be rather disturbing and/or offensive. I post my lyrics in several forums however for this forum, I do edit my lyrics to be more acceptable and clean for CAA since this is a Christian site. Now, I dislike censoring my work but I do prefer myself doing the censoring then someone else.
As a Christian, if it's not okay to post it on a Christian site, then I would ask you whether it is okay for you to be writing it at all. If you want to go where no one has gone before, there are plenty of other places to go other than into the mire.

Now, what is everyone's viewpoints on this? Should I leave my lyrics in it's orginal text or censor it out? Censoring as taking offensive material out of the lyrics. For instance, in Wallowing I describe someone being taken into a chamber and being abused. It's obviously metaphorical however can be offensive to someone. As well, I used the word "slave" when originally it was the "b-word". I want my lryics to be enjoyed by everyone yet I enjoy writing in a edgy-type fashion.

Thoughts?

Well, I am not sure about the abusing thing because you did not include it in the poem. You can PM it to me if you would like.

I would say that an important thing to consider would be your motives for writing about what you do and in the way that you do. Just because you enjoy something does not make it right. Read that sentence again; it's important. Pray and ask God for discernment about this. I will be praying too.

[Hitokiri]

She hides herself in the heath Why did you choose heath?

To me, heath always sounds poetic however she hides herself away into a place that is wild and alone.

In her moment of desapir So the baby died?

No, not really. I was more leaning towards her depair in bearing a child.

God has rejected her I expect I'll hear a good reason...

This was just something I wanted to write to try and combine my poetical elements and my favorite book of the Bible, Lamentations. So alot of it can be drawn towards the subject matter of Lamentations and Isreal being cut off from God. As well, the notion of being rejected by God and being cut off, to me, has a huge impact which can be applied to somethings such as a mother rejecting her child. Though we know God does not reject us though we may percieve he has for the time being.

Sleeping with her enemies In the euphamistic sense, I presume.

Yes. A act of trying to appease her sins.

Feeding off her babies So she runs away from the enemy camp and then practices cannibalism on her children in order to survive?

Yes, metaphorically. I wrote this poem in a metaphircal sense.

For she has rebuked him Are you referencing the blaspheming the Holy Spirit thing?

Maybe, not sure.

A princess raped and beaten Yes, which is true. Maybe a self-injure type thing?[/quo That would be a better way to go I think.

How does she life? This line doesn't make sense.

I meant "live"?

God gave her a hand This line and the next seem odd. Please explain.

God gave her a hand but she used it for sin.

God gave her a mouth I might change 'mouth' to 'voice' or 'song.'

Yeah that sounds better.

Her children will fail But they've all been eaten by now anyway...

Yeah, that should go before the eating haha.

Lost among the deepest pits of hatred, For getting the first period of the poem, her gone-ness isn't very final.

Any periods is purely my habit of adding them haha.

I licked it up while crying But now why did you lick it up?
Because despite the fact it hurts you, you are still want it.

Oh god of misfortune So you are not addressing YHWH here.

No, I am not.

The vileness seeps down its inner walls

Drowns in a metaphircal sense.

It swallow its pride Why does the waterfall have to swollow its pride?]b]

Sorry I didn't make this clear. The child is the subject.

I stand there naked [b]You, the child, or have you gone inside yourself?

Myself

These chambers of filth and slime [b]I'm surprised that you haven't used the words putrid or cesspool yet.

Haha.

Love one love one This line does not make sense.
I love you my love one Do you mean 'loved one?'
I only loved once

Yeah, this is my least favorite part and would change this first if I rewrote this.

and now I have to die
on this pyre of bones and gold
And a broken god

Who failed me
and whom I have failed. Who failed first?

Both did at the same time.

What was the meaning of this poem?

Not sure myself. haha

Thanks. I have been re-reading what I wrote and I started to not like it as much. Sure, I like...kinda graphic writing but the main reason why I write is to expose a certain beauty but this isn't exactly it. Thanks though.

[Anna Mae]

Thanks. I have been re-reading what I wrote and I started to not like it as much. Sure, I like...kinda graphic writing but the main reason why I write is to expose a certain beauty but this isn't exactly it.

Interesting. Please elaborate.

Thanks though.

[Hitokiri]

Interesting. Please elaborate.

It's kinda hard for me to express my view on beauty regarding music. It's just something that stands out at me and I just am enraptured in it. And this doesn't come across in what I write recently. My previous stuff did a bit. Like "My Heart, My Heart Whispers Visions", "This Is Long", and "Aphrodite".

[Hitokiri]

"Wintered Halls Fornlorn"

Thy dismal dirge; so pale and weak
Thy soul is lost within
Forgotten answers thoust dost seek.
Bowed by thine chagrin
In endless times; awaiting halls
Thy bride hast now appeared
Her light encased in lumiscent walls
Windowed gazes mirrored.

In the frozen winter
I saw a side of you.
A vision so cold; so desolate.
Piercing my sinew
Frozen, quaking deadly; a splinter
Thy the epitome of hate.

Blue rings cold - thine dreadful day.
Blue rings cold - thy hath awaketh.

Chorus
Thy day is ebbing
Thy strength is leaving.
Thy lay moaning.
In thy wasteland
Thine wonderful wasteland.
Maketh thine time
Thine will and mine.
Thine tougne is sublime.
Snow chills thine face.

Posion seeps down thine walls.
Our putrid deformity.
Men hath married thine own laws.
Thy a slave to conformity.
In a distance lies a narrow path
Walking on down and down
In thine consuming wraith.
Thy innocence shall forever drown.

I saw thee passeth by
Bent from all the years.
Crumbled hands; a wrinkled face
Ever darkens my fears
Thine pyre lain to die.
A sheltered flowering grace.

Blue right cold - in thy silent lands.
Blue rings cold - in thine empty heart

Chorus

Her strike of death
Pours into her heart
In her waking moments
She seeks thine dreadful hand
She waits in her silent watches.
Fearing the gruesome brand
Her bitter tears soak thine blood.
Now she's world's apart.

Breasts full bloom; Divine!

For lo she is utterly spent
She whithers by the hour
Her will cracked; her body rent
A dead, whither'd flower.
Blowing unceasingly by the bitter wind.
For now thou hath sinned

Sweetened full flips; Enshrine!

Dances in the night.
No eyes hath seen her dreadful gaze.
Lost in the haze.
Her silent winter approach thine heart.
In thine halls thy dances with fate.
A dreary duet of mingled souls.
Lethargical whispers; thien sedate!

Thine Heart; Be Mine!

Chorus

Encased stares; sunrise without
Thine days lingerith fortold
Quivering lips wracked with thy doubt
Where dost goest to hold?

In the silent winter
I beheld thee.
So alone and distraught.
Alone thee awaits
For the great awakening
That was to be but
For lo, has yet to com'ith.

[fairyprincess90]

that is amazing good! its so... i dont know... i really really like it. i like stuff that has something to do with seasons... like winter

its really good stuff

you have alot of talent.

[Anna Mae]

"Wintered Halls Fornlorn" Fornlorn?

Thy dismal dirge; so pale and weak
Thy soul is lost within
Forgotten answers thoust dost seek.
Bowed by thine chagrin Good word choice.
In endless times; awaiting halls
Thy bride hast now appeared
Her light encased in lumiscent walls
Windowed gazes mirrored. Interesting line.

In the frozen winter
I saw a side of you.
A vision so cold; so desolate.
Piercing my sinew
Frozen, quaking deadly; a splinter
Thy the epitome of hate.

Blue rings cold - thine dreadful day. I don't quite understand the blue.
Blue rings cold - thy hath awaketh.

Chorus
Thy day is ebbing
Thy strength is leaving.
Thy lay moaning. Shouldn't it be "Thou layist, moaning"?
In thy wasteland
Thine wonderful wasteland. I think that "thy" would be the word in this case. The old English is cool, though.
Maketh thine time
Thine will and mine. Again with the "thine v. thy" thing.
Thine tougne is sublime.
Snow chills thine face.

Posion seeps down thine walls.
Our putrid deformity.
Men hath married thine own laws. This stanza is particularly thought provoking.
Thy a slave to conformity.
In a distance lies a narrow path
Walking on down and down
In thine consuming wraith. Not wrath?
Thy innocence shall forever drown.

I saw thee passeth by
Bent from all the years.
Crumbled hands; a wrinkled face
Ever darkens my fears
Thine pyre lain to die.
A sheltered flowering grace.

Blue right cold - in thy silent lands.
Blue rings cold - in thine empty heart I follow the course of these two-line interjections with interest.

Chorus

Her strike of death
Pours into her heart
In her waking moments
She seeks thine dreadful hand
She waits in her silent watches.
Fearing the gruesome brand
Her bitter tears soak thine blood.
Now she's world's apart. Unless you mean "world's" to be posessive, there should not be a comma there.

Breasts full bloom; Divine! ...?

For lo she is utterly spent
She whithers by the hour
Her will cracked; her body rent
A dead, whither'd flower.
Blowing unceasingly by the bitter wind. Blowing or blown?
For now thou hath sinned

Sweetened full flips; Enshrine! Now why here in particular?

Dances in the night.
No eyes hath seen her dreadful gaze.
Lost in the haze.
Her silent winter approach thine heart. Subject-verb agreement.
In thine halls thy dances with fate. Thy v. Thee
A dreary duet of mingled souls. That alliteration strikes me particularly well for some reason.
Lethargical whispers; thien sedate! [b]As is buddhism?

Thine Heart; Be Mine! I preferred the blue couplets.

Chorus

Encased stares; sunrise without
Thine days lingerith fortold Hmm?
Quivering lips wracked with thy doubt
Where dost goest to hold? Thou, perhaps?

In the silent winter
I beheld thee.
So alone and distraught.
Alone thee awaits
For the great awakening Interesting parallel.
That was to be but
For lo, has yet to com'ith.

Sufficiently abstruce.

[xCAFx]

Your writing is amazing Hitokiri man i cant wait to hear some of that put to music. And id say its perfect for metal:]

[ich1990]

Indeed, these would make good metal lyrics. I like the overall brooding atmosphere of the songs, although they could stand to have a little bit of hope in them (maybe right at the end?).