Agent Fluffy!(funny, very funny, trust me)

Postby **Inferno** » Thu Feb 05, 2004 10:51 am

I know That this story is kind of weird, but it's picture writing. I took three pictures of a baby chicken and had to make a stary out of it. I would like feedback on the grammer, spelling, and how you liked the story its self. Kind of childish i know....

The Dark Side of the Moon
By Zen
Curiously a young chic, who is an Agent stares intently at the enemy (hose). On a desert on the dark side of the moon is where the battle sequence started. Young fluffy was on a mission. His boss, Mr. Crower, the Crow, had sent him to deliver food to a human race on the dark side because he was their only hope to survive. On the way there he was attacked by enemy sparrows of the evil empire. He was partly blinded, but determined to do his duty! When he got the human camp, he was so thirsty, his lips were dry, and his stomach was growling. Then on top all his problems there was an enemy mutant snake in his way! Agent fluffy charged his razor sharp beak first! Little did the cute little chick know, this was not a mutant snake. It was a hose!
[size=84]Fluffy pecked the hose violently hard because he thought it was an enemy. In the human camp Fluffy had charged his razor sharp beak first, but the enemy got first attack! A wave of freezing cold water swept over fluffy! â€œAt least Iâ€™m not thirsty any more!â€

Postby **Inferno** » Thu Feb 05, 2004 2:24 pm

Pleaze i really need feed back before school next week!

Postby **Spirit_Wolf8356** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 6:49 am

Go, chicky, go! That was really good! I want a plasma gun! It was awesome, Inferno! Very nice. It made me laugh. The spelling and grammar looks ok to me.

Postby **Inferno** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 6:51 am

thanks alot for your help!

Postby **Spirit_Wolf8356** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 6:53 am

Like I said, no biggie. :brow:

I'm always up for reading someone's stuff.

Postby **Knives** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 7:18 am

GOOOOOOOODDDD

Postby **firestorm** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 7:27 am

foget waht I just said that was a friend of mine writing for me, it's good and for get the other comment

Postby **Master Kenzo** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 1:39 pm

Absolutely hilarious!

A few grammatical things though:

Curiously a young chic, who is an Agent stares intently at the enemy (hose).

should be something like
Curiously a young chick who is an Agent stares intently at the enemy hose.
or
A young chick, who is an agent in disguise, stares intently at his nemesis: the hose.

His boss, Mr. Crower, the Crow, had sent him to deliver food to a human race on the dark side because he was their only hope to survive.

I don't think you need a comma in "Mr. Crower, the crow"

On the way there he was attacked by enemy sparrows of the evil empire.

I think Empire is a proper noun.

Agent fluffy charged his razor sharp beak first!

Fluffy is his name right? If so, don't forget to capitalize it!

Fluffy pecked the hose violently hard because he thought it was an enemy.

Hard is not necessary, it is implied by "violently."

When Fluffy got His chance to attack,

Usually capitalized pronouns (Him, Her, Them, Us, Me) are reserved for deity (i.e. God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit). In this case, "him" would be lowercase.

All in all, your story is amazingly funny. Sorry about the long post.

Postby **Inferno** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 2:37 pm

ok thanks for your feed back!

Postby **Zilch** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 9:06 pm

(shakes head) Dear Lord, what do they teach our children in school these days?

Postby **Inferno** » Sat Feb 07, 2004 7:15 am

what do you mean?

Postby **Inferno** » Sat Feb 07, 2004 10:13 am

what's wrong with my story?

Postby **Zilch** » Sat Feb 07, 2004 11:18 am

No, no, no! Please don't take it that way, I was just commenting on the creativity of it. I wasn't insulting it in any way. I thought it was quite well written. You've got skills.

Postby **Inferno** » Sat Feb 07, 2004 4:42 pm

thank you i always love complements!

Postby **Zilch** » Sun Feb 08, 2004 5:46 am

Geez, who doesn't? I love compliments!

Postby **Lochaber Axe** » Sun Feb 08, 2004 3:08 pm

Its pretty good. What I came here to say is that Kenzo is incorrect in some capitalizing rules. First, empire should be capitalized if it is in the name of something such as the Japanese Empire, Selxin Empire, etc., it should remain empire in the way you used it (of course, if you mean it as the Star Wars "Empire" then there is a difference). Secondly, always capitalize at the beginning of a sentence no matter what. Just making sure that you know that in case you have a pronoun at the beginning in the future. Kenzo is right about deities though.

Postby **Inferno** » Mon Feb 09, 2004 4:32 am

kay thank for your feed back!

Agent Fluffy!(funny, very funny, trust me)

Agent Fluffy please would like feed back.(funny, very funny, trust me, need feedback)

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