Stone Cold Times

[teen4truth]

All right guys, this is my first poem to post, so all comments, suggestions, and the like are highly apreciated. I have never really had any special 'training' as far as poems, so if there is some specific structure or something I should have done this is in please do tell. thankies^^

P.S. we can put short stories in the writing forum, correct?

Stone Cold Times

On these stone cold nights
Its so hard to fight
The hate inside of me,
It wants to take over me

In these stone cold moments
It gets so hard to do this
To stay near to you,
To keep pleasing you

With this stone cold heart
That is tearing us apart
I feel so far…
I want to be close, but I am far

In these stone cold times
That creep into my soul to beat me with their clubs of darkness.

But you are always there,
Always drawing near
Just waiting for me;
Longing for me

And you always know what to do,
I just have to reach out to you,
And you will show me the answer;
You always know the answer.

And then you say, “So what are you waiting for?
Why won’t you come to me, for I am your Lord.â€

[SnoringFrog]

Again, very nice poem you have here. Good job.

[creed4]

Good Job, Keep it up

[Anna Mae]

Congratulations on posting your first poem!

All right guys, this is my first poem to post, so all comments, suggestions, and the like are highly apreciated. I have never really had any special 'training' as far as poems, so if there is some specific structure or something I should have done this is in please do tell. thankies^^

There are all sorts of specific forms that you can use as tools for writing poetry, but my favorite type of poetry is the kind that just flows freely without worrying about using an exact format.

P.S. we can put short stories in the writing forum, correct?

Indeed.

Good. I like the message. The phrase 'stone cold' has odd connotations in my mind, though. I know what you're trying to say, but perhaps a different phrase might serve your purpose better.

Stone Cold Times

On these stone cold nights
Its so hard to fight
The hate inside of me,
It wants to take over me The phrasing here seems a little bit awkward at first, although it fits with more sense in context with the rest fo the poem.

In these stone cold moments
It gets so hard to do this
To stay near to you,
To keep pleasing you I would note that this line makes it sound as if our relationship with God is based on works instead of faith. I understand the desire to please our Lord, but this makes it seem as if God is a fickle diety who demands entertainment. We can never be perfect, but the great thing is that God loves us anyway. Or, is that part of the point that you are trying to make and I am just not getting it?

With this stone cold heart
That is tearing us apart
I feel so far…
I want to be close, but I am far Adjectives for each of the 'far's would add to the emotion.

In these stone cold times
That creep into my soul to beat me with their clubs of darkness. This phrase could be made to be more coherent.

But you are always there,
Always drawing near
Just waiting for me] I would change it to say "Though you always know the answer, you ask."[/b]

You, my Jesus, have been , are, and always will be faithful.
Please creep into my soul with your loving light.

Your rhyme scheme is interesting. I like it.

Overall, very good. I can connect with the feeling of longing for God that you portray.

[teen4truth]

thankx guys^^

Wow, thankies for the advice, it is very helpful! I was afriad I wouldn't get any advice, but this is good.

I know what you mean by the name being odd...it even reminds me myself of like a newspaper or something lol. But it was really all I could think of. Maybe I should replace stone with dark and add a comma?

It wants to take over me The phrasing here seems a little bit awkward at first, although it fits with more sense in context with the rest fo the poem.

hmm, I could change it to 'it wants to control me' or something like that.

To keep pleasing you I would note that this line makes it sound as if our relationship with God is based on works instead of faith. I understand the desire to please our Lord, but this makes it seem as if God is a fickle diety who demands entertainment. We can never be perfect, but the great thing is that God loves us anyway. Or, is that part of the point that you are trying to make and I am just not getting it?

I did not think of that before, but now that you mention it, it really does need to be changed. I think maybe I should put, 'to keep seeking you.' Yea, that would go along with the rest better! What do you think?

I feel so far…
I want to be close, but I am far Adjectives for each of the 'far's would add to the emotion.

distant? far away? far off?

That creep into my soul to beat me with their clubs of darkness. This phrase could be made to be more coherent.

heh, what does coherent mean? I am guessing it means uum..like not smooth or something like that...if does, then I agree with you there. That line is just so rocky and randomn it bugs me, but it was all I could think of.

Though you always know why, you ask. I would change it to say "Though you always know the answer, you ask."

agreed

[Anna Mae]

I know what you mean by the name being odd...it even reminds me myself of like a newspaper or something lol. But it was really all I could think of. Maybe I should replace stone with dark and add a comma?

Hmm. Actually, what would you think of it without the comma? That would be interesting.

It wants to take over me The phrasing here seems a little bit awkward at first, although it fits with more sense in context with the rest fo the poem.

hmm, I could change it to 'it wants to control me' or something like that.

That would be good.

To keep pleasing you I would note that this line makes it sound as if our relationship with God is based on works instead of faith. I understand the desire to please our Lord, but this makes it seem as if God is a fickle diety who demands entertainment. We can never be perfect, but the great thing is that God loves us anyway. Or, is that part of the point that you are trying to make and I am just not getting it?

I did not think of that before, but now that you mention it, it really does need to be changed. I think maybe I should put, 'to keep seeking you.' Yea, that would go along with the rest better! What do you think?

Much better.

I feel so far…
I want to be close, but I am far Adjectives for each of the 'far's would add to the emotion.

distant? far away? far off?

I was thinking along the lines of unbearably, horribly, unbridgeably, desparingly, and that kind of thing.

In these stone cold times
That creep into my soul to beat me with their clubs of darkness. This phrase could be made to be more coherent.

heh, what does coherent mean? I am guessing it means uum..like not smooth or something like that...if does, then I agree with you there. That line is just so rocky and randomn it bugs me, but it was all I could think of.

Coherent is like the meaning is clear, what you are saying is understandable, that type of thing.

Read over your phrase carefully. Your sentence is incomplete. I would suggest changing it to "These stone cold times creep into my soul and beat me with their clubs of darkness."