You ever feel this way?

[Haibane Shadsie]

Maybe this should go in the Prayer Room, I don't know.

It's just that the "Value of Life" topic triggered it... my frightening, ever-churing mind... NO THIS TOPIC IS NOT ABOUT THAT, SO PLEASE DON'T LOCK IT FROM THE GET-GO... This is about some inner thoughts of mine, and wonder if people feel the same, I just got a trigger from that topic.

I was thinking... according to the Old Testament... I should be dead. Seriously. I've never killed anyone... but I have done some bad things in life that, according to Old Testament law, were punishable by death. For example, and what I'm thinking of... I have cursed my parents. I have become so angry at my father that I told him something that... well, I cannot repeat here because of the profanity filter and because I do not want to. It was before I was saved, though... though, I think I might have done it again after getting saved, when I was really upset when he was teaching me how to drive. You don't know my father. He can be exapserating... and, me... well...

This lead me to thinking... though I have repented... and would never, NEVER say any such thing to my parents again, and in fact, I want to honor them now... I wonder if I am under a curse. I wonder if I shall forever be writhing in constant FAILURE in life... right now, I am 24 and living in my parents' house. My father is retired and moved to the retirement property. My mother will soon follow. I will soon be paying rent. The job I currently have is very part time, and I don't get many hours with it. In looking for another job, I've been a bit lazy, and, when getting off my butt to look, largely unsuccessful. I have a very hard time keeping jobs. I have extreme difficulty in being responsible, especially about punctuality, and in relationships with bosses.

I feel... kinda like a failure in life and I wonder if I will always be that way. I worry.

Also, latey, I've just been feeling like my personality sucks. I'm pretty self-abosorbed and socially inept and avoidant. (I have Avoidant Personalty Disorder as a medical diagnosis. I take medication for it, which helps some...) Still... I just feel like my personality is just... not good. I feel like I'm just... a bad person.

I haven't been to church in a while. This is largely due to sleeping in, and largely due to just... wanting to avoid the social interaction.

I find it difficult... if not impossible... to forgive myself for my mistakes. Mistakes of the past come up in my mind, and I think about them, and think about how much I suck. And... I get these bouts/feelings often. I think I shall have them all my life.

If I'm under a curse or something... if I am always going to be a failure... should I end my life now? I kinda wanna die... but I don't want to. I don't want to make people in my life sad... and I'm worried about facing God... Yet, I wonder if I deserve to live, if I'm "fit" enough for this life.

Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I just a nutbar? I probably need psychological help that I'm not wanting to get.

[Ashley]

Father, give me words...I'm at such a loss to say anything. I understand the immense frustration you feel, even though I do not have the same problems in my own life. I have been so frustrated I've thought of ending my own life before---not something I like to share---but I can tell you it's not the right thing to do. Absolutely not under any circumstances. Any. You're not wrong for having such powerful emotions; God created us to be emotional creatures. But you cannot allow yourself to follow through on those.

Now that the scary suicide talk is over...Shadsie, I really wish I had some comforting words to give you, but I'm drawing a blank. All I can tell you is my heart aches for you right now, and I'll certainly be in prayer about you and your situation. I hate to hear that you're struggling with the issues you are right now. I do know that despite all the pain and hardship I've felt in my own life and agonized over in the lives of the one's dearest to me, I can tell you that it doesn't always feel like it, but I firmly believe God will never let you down. Part of me feels hypocritical for touting that, but deep down, my spirit knows the truth. It feels like God has abandoned you sometimes, but I promise He hasn't. It just doesn't make sense. Why would God go through all the pain He endured for your sake just to abandon you now? No, He loves you far too much for that, and He has great plans for ya. So stick with it, keep your chin up, and remember as a good friend of mine always told me, what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, better and wiser.
I'll be praying.

[Lochaber Axe]

Listen... a lot of the punishments of the old Testament no longer apply to us. When Jesus died he took upon himself the death sentences of countless people. That is why he spared the adulteress, because he was going to take the stone himself.

Me and my dad were talking about suicide and if it leds to hell. The bible says that only one sin leads to death, and that is to forsake the name of Christ and not to accept him as your savior. Yet can we be certain that suicide will not allow us into heaven, does any one want to take the chance.

Also about the curse, listen when a person repeats to themself that they will fail a test, they will usually will. You might just be cursing yourself with your own guilt. Let Jesus take it from you, and allow his will to guide your own.

Just wanted to help.

[TheMelodyMaker]

I think I understand, Shadsie... I've felt the same way you do, many times in the past. I've wondered what purpose God has for me, and what He wants me to do for Him. I'm 27 (28 in 4 months) and still living with my parents--though I have part-time work too. Many times I wonder what's to become of me if anything should happen to them... -_-; I've learned that I just need to be patient and let Him make me into the kind of person He wants me to be. And He will not abandon His children.

I don't know if that helps you feel any better, but I will definitely pray for you. (Maybe you could pray for me too. ^_^ )

[Shinja]

yeah, i know what your going though, ive been there, maybe even lower than there. but theres no mistake you can make, no sin you can comit that cant be forgiven, im not good at talking to people, im very introverted in nature. but i will pray for you.

[JediSonic]

Hmm... today I was feeling very depressed myself. I've been pretty stressed about homschooling since we started again at the beginning of the year, always being depressed on/off. Not like what you're going through, though; I think I'm just 13-year-old bag o horomones bouncin back and forth

I will pray for you, shadsie... please don't do anything you wont live to regret

[Azier the Swordsman]

I will keep you in my prayers, Shadsie. Lochabar said it well when he said that the old testament laws do not apply to us under the new covenent. If you have already repented of it, and are truly sorry about it, then it's taken care of. There is no need to worry about it anymore.

As for the topic of suicide, I don't want to debate about whether or not it will lead to heaven or hell, but let me say this: If it DOES lead to hell, I certainly wouldn't want to find out.

[Gremio]

The punishments and law of the Old Testament only applied to Jews under their eternal covenant with G-d. Even then, G-d has mercy and forgives and forgives untill he eventually has to punish them for their wrong doings, but even after he does that he forgives them again.

I certainly know what your feeling, I remember feeling the same way many times myself. But the only comfort I can bring is to tell you that G-d will never forsake you, he loves you and knows your heart, and will always be there for you. He died that we might live....and that in itself makes life worth living.

Just keep following G-d the best you can, these feelings are sent to trial us, but rest assured that everything will be alright in the end!
Il be remembering you in prayer of cource!
G-d bless and keep you!

[EireWolf]

I may or may not be repeating what someone else said, but if so, it bears repeating.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:1-2)

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." (Romans 8:15-17)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:31-39)

Actually, the whole book of Romans is pretty good. Also:

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)

Shadsie, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You are not cursed. Jesus lifted the curse of sin from all of us when he took our sins upon Himself. Now don't go taking it back from Him; you can't carry it by yourself.

We've all done terrible things, and/or thought terrible things in the dark corners of our minds... but the blood of Christ is enough to cover all of that and more.

As for needing psychological help-- maybe so. And that's no shameful thing. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean that you'll never need that kind of help. Please, please consider getting help before you consider ending your life. You are too precious, to your loving Creator and to your brothers and sisters here.

If you need to talk, Shadsie, please feel free to PM me. I'm no psychologist, but I'm a pretty good listener.

You are precious, and you are loved.

[MillyFan]

Maybe this should go in the Prayer Room, I don't know.

It's just that the "Value of Life" topic triggered it... my frightening, ever-churing mind... NO THIS TOPIC IS NOT ABOUT THAT, SO PLEASE DON'T LOCK IT FROM THE GET-GO... This is about some inner thoughts of mine, and wonder if people feel the same, I just got a trigger from that topic.

I was thinking... according to the Old Testament... I should be dead. Seriously. I've never killed anyone... but I have done some bad things in life that, according to Old Testament law, were punishable by death. For example, and what I'm thinking of... I have cursed my parents. I have become so angry at my father that I told him something that... well, I cannot repeat here because of the profanity filter and because I do not want to. It was before I was saved, though... though, I think I might have done it again after getting saved, when I was really upset when he was teaching me how to drive. You don't know my father. He can be exapserating... and, me... well...

This lead me to thinking... though I have repented... and would never, NEVER say any such thing to my parents again, and in fact, I want to honor them now... I wonder if I am under a curse. I wonder if I shall forever be writhing in constant FAILURE in life... right now, I am 24 and living in my parents' house. My father is retired and moved to the retirement property. My mother will soon follow. I will soon be paying rent. The job I currently have is very part time, and I don't get many hours with it. In looking for another job, I've been a bit lazy, and, when getting off my butt to look, largely unsuccessful. I have a very hard time keeping jobs. I have extreme difficulty in being responsible, especially about punctuality, and in relationships with bosses.

I feel... kinda like a failure in life and I wonder if I will always be that way. I worry.

Also, latey, I've just been feeling like my personality sucks. I'm pretty self-abosorbed and socially inept and avoidant. (I have Avoidant Personalty Disorder as a medical diagnosis. I take medication for it, which helps some...) Still... I just feel like my personality is just... not good. I feel like I'm just... a bad person.

I haven't been to church in a while. This is largely due to sleeping in, and largely due to just... wanting to avoid the social interaction.

I find it difficult... if not impossible... to forgive myself for my mistakes. Mistakes of the past come up in my mind, and I think about them, and think about how much I suck. And... I get these bouts/feelings often. I think I shall have them all my life.

If I'm under a curse or something... if I am always going to be a failure... should I end my life now? I kinda wanna die... but I don't want to. I don't want to make people in my life sad... and I'm worried about facing God... Yet, I wonder if I deserve to live, if I'm "fit" enough for this life.

Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I just a nutbar? I probably need psychological help that I'm not wanting to get.

I've been there myself. . .more times than I can count. I honestly have. . .

[mechana2015]

Shadsie, everyone feels like a bad person sometimes. Ive been on that same road before...rejected, feeling alone and helpless/useless. No one feels perfect ever. I know I dont. Dont feel alone, theres people out there that can help you that were once like you, or still fight similar feelings. Ive lost control before and I feel terrable about every time...but the people I hurt were able (for the most part) to forgive me.

I used to ski race and when I started racing I had no experience (as did some other people) but I had the worst times on the team every race - for several years... It took a ton of training and dedication on my and my parents parts to get through it. It got so bad the first year (depressed, angry at myself for not improving) that I actually took some pretty drastic measures. I eventually broke down so far as to cuss my parents out, yelled at some team members and even engaged in some fairly self destructive behavior at a race where I finished last...again. What finally got me around was the fact that people on the team...now some of my really good friends... kept talking to me, kept encouraging me and kept inviting me to hang out with them after the races...they waited for me when I was slow and gave me tips on learning how to ski. Finally I was able to get the confidence to get myself going (im lazy by nature as well) and act in a proper way to get myself trained and equipped for racing...and I had a great time that final year, and placed fairly well in the standings. It just took patience and determination to break through and every time we try somthing it'll be like that.

If I can Ill pick up a book from my house I got from someone I met...Rejections of the Written Famous. It contains many of the letters that famous writers and well known people have recieved as they were trying to get going in life. I think Einstein might have something in there, as well as Michael Jordan (got cut from his high school basketball team) and other people.

Hey just because the car stalls the first time you try to drive it dont stop trying....it may take a burnt out clutch or two before you figure out how to get the car going, but once you get it figured out you can do all kinds of things.

Sorry that I'm a bit random, but I hope this helps.

[Tet-chan]

Shadsie,i know u are frustrated,but u can get through it.
Pray to Jesus and he will give u peace.

Jesus is a forgiving God, a loving friend.U are not in a curse,no God's children are cursed.Maybe Jesus wants u to go through this problem to make u a stonger christian,stronger in faith.

I will pray for u

[Mave]

Maybe this should go in the Prayer Room, I don't know.

This lead me to thinking... though I have repented... and would never, NEVER say any such thing to my parents again, and in fact, I want to honor them now... I wonder if I am under a curse. I wonder if I shall forever be writhing in constant FAILURE in life... right now, I am 24 and living in my parents' house. My father is retired and moved to the
I feel... kinda like a failure in life and I wonder if I will always be that way. I worry.

Also, latey, I've just been feeling like my personality sucks. I'm pretty self-abosorbed and socially inept and avoidant. (I have Avoidant Personalty Disorder as a medical diagnosis. I take medication for it, which helps some...) Still... I just feel like my personality is just... not good. I feel like I'm just... a bad person.

I find it difficult... if not impossible... to forgive myself for my mistakes. Mistakes of the past come up in my mind, and I think about them, and

If I'm under a curse or something... if I am always going to be a failure... should I end my life now? I kinda wanna die... but I don't want to. I don't want to make people in my life sad... and I'm worried about facing God... Yet, I wonder if I deserve to live, if I'm "fit" enough for this life.

First off, I used to feel bad about my past, wondered whether I will really go to heaven and what's my purpose on earth. The Spirit had to kick it into my stubborn and unbelieving heart/brain (whichever refuses to respond) that "Hey, Christ saved you. Accept it: Your past is gone. G-O-N-E. Get it?" And I never looked back anymore.

The fact that you're alive and sharing with us proves that God has something planned for you. So the answer is: Yes, you are definitely fit enough for whatever you're called for. God never puts you through more than you can handle. And He wants you to do His will wherever you are right now. May not make sense, "Gee, what can I do in my current life? Look at me, I'm nothing!! I do this, do that...it's not good enough." It's OK, not to be good enough. That's why we need Christ.

I suspect that (just like many Christians), you need to let go and be less critical of your past and even your current actions in order to let God work in you. Surrender to God! If you have a problem cursing or dishonoring your parents, pray for help. It's true!! Personal testimonty: I tried to love annoying ppl based on my strength and abstain from unholy thoughts but I just couldn't do it! I tell myself, "must not get angry, must not..." [SNAP!!] "What the [cuss cuss cuss]...!!!!"

I was so miserable after that and felt like a failure. "God, it's not gonna work, it's useless trying to be good." But then, the Spirit gently nudged me "Why didn't you ask Me to help you? Isn't that what I'm here for? I didn't ask you to clean yourself by your own efforts. I'm here to release you from your burden."

Oh man, it was so liberating. God was going to help me fix my attitude and character. I prayed and played my part (I avoid temptation, read certain verse for strengthening etc) but I truly surrendered this effort to fix myself to God. And guess what, it was so easy to change. I can't describe what happened. A new spirit and feeling was in me and it sure wasn't by my doing. It's God. ^^ I hope you'll experience that too when you surrender to Him coz it's amazing.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Josh 1:9)

[Azier the Swordsman]

One thing I know is: with the kind of people I have to deal with everyday, it would really stink to not have God in my life.

[MillyFan]

I hope I'm mistaken, Chris, because it seems as if you're judging her relationship with God-and please don't do that if you are. God is in her life, as far as I can tell as a human being. . .

[JediSonic]

I don't think that's what chris meant, milly; at least I didn't take it that way.

As a matter of fact, I agree with almost everything anyone replying to this thread has said!

[Azier the Swordsman]

Forgive me if that came out wrong. I was simply stating that I'm glad to have God in my life. This statement was in no way refering to Haibane.

[Haibane Shadsie]

Thank you so much, guys!


I think I'm okay for the moment, except for physically not feeling well, but it will pass, as I know it is a thing that will pass. Ugh. I'll spare folks, though.

I'm hoping someday I can be one of those famous people - for writing. I've sent query letters to get my novel published out, and gotten rejection letters (of course, I expect them). I painted a wooden box that I keep them in. I have it in the Novel section of my site... this box I painted with my novel creatures all over it... I have a fun little collection! What I find cool, though, is that not all the letters are standard rejection. I got one saying that the fiction portion of the publisher got folded over because of the actions of a con man in the group. It was just... interesting.

[Azier the Swordsman]

You know, some of the most famous authors in the world had their works rejected many times. I'm sure you'll find the right publisher eventually!

[Lochaber Axe]

I'm hoping someday I can be one of those famous people - for writing. I've sent query letters to get my novel published out, and gotten rejection letters (of course, I expect them). I painted a wooden box that I keep them in. I have it in the Novel section of my site... this box I painted with my novel creatures all over it... I have a fun little collection! What I find cool, though, is that not all the letters are standard rejection. I got one saying that the fiction portion of the publisher got folded over because of the actions of a con man in the group. It was just... interesting.

In my opinion, it is only God telling you that it is not time yet. Take the story that I believe my pastor said once (my memory is pretty fuzzy and I am only 17! ) and I might make a few errors because of that problem.

Well anyway, a man once felt that it was his calling to minister overseas, but God would tell him that it wasn't time. A year later that feeling still remained and the man asked God again. God once more told him that it was not time. Years past and the man reached into his fifties and then God told him to go. When he got to the village, the man found out that to the tribe only a man with gray hair could be a religious man.

Sorry if it isn't actually how my pastor said it but you could the point. So in short I am saying that God has his own timing, just don't worry if you feel that it is slow.

[Edit: I guess I am just collaborating what Chris said , and should have typed faster.]

[Mithrandir]

It could also be that God wants to teach you something in the 'no thank you' letters. There are infinate possiblities. If you think it's worth publishing, don't let anyone stop you from trying. Luis Lamore was turned down over 100 times before he was accepted. 50 years later, he now has hundreds of books in circulation. (He's a very prolific western writer). So don't give up!

[Azier the Swordsman]

Maybe I should write a bestseller... might be good for some quick cash. I just have to get over my laziness... =P

[Lochaber Axe]

Oldphil... the writer's name is Louis La'mour. Sorry but I have the Dark Canyon starring at me from my library.

[Edit: and will you stop doing that Chris!]

[Mithrandir]

Huh. I never took french. Just eigo, spanish, some on-my-own german, and japanese. I never really got around to french. Thanks for the correction!

[Azier the Swordsman]

Oldphil... the writer's name is Louis La'mour. Sorry but I have the Dark Canyon starring at me from my library.

[Edit: and will you stop doing that Chris!]

[Lochaber Axe]

Huh. I never took french. Just eigo, spanish, some on-my-own german, and japanese. I never really got around to french. Thanks for the correction!

Neither have I. I know a little german and japanese myself, though propably couldn't utter a coherent sentence with it. And how dare you make such a typo that I would cause me to go way off topic.

How could you?

JK..JK

[Haibane Shadsie]

My rant was just a general rant about how I feel like I'm a failure at life.

As for my novel, I'm not sending queires to publishers right now. I'm on haitus from doing that, and I'm glad it didn't get picked up by a publisher yet. Why? I found a writer's club. (Dynamic Christian Writer's club. The club head is a published romance novelist). Anyway... I've been sharing my novel chapter by chapter with the group and getting feedback. I am in a polishing stage with my novel thanks to that. My polishings are making the story much, much better. I've been critiqued before, by honest people, and my first few chapters by an online sci-fi and fantasy workshop, but I needed some extra eyes on it, more critiquing. Thanks to that club, I'm seeing areas where my writing can, and needs to be... improved.

I don't want my novel published until it's really good. By the way, I posted the first chapter of it here in the Writing forum if anyone wants to read - the "I think it's done now, tweaked somewhere between 5-50 times" version of the chapter.

Maybe my depressive feelings serve a purpose, too. In DCW, we have a member who is trying to write a Christian self-help book... I've skimmed some of her snatches/chapters... and told her flat out that I couldn't read some of it, because of how it seemed toned to me. The poor dear doesn't mean to sound preachy, or to sound "elevated in faith above those of you who need help right now", she sincerely wants to help, and writes from her spiritual life experiences, but... to me.. I am very defensive, take everything personally, and have almost 0 self-esteem (except when it comes to my creative work, in which case I have an ego the size of Alaska). Anyway, I just tell her how the writing feels to me. I take nearly any kind of help-advice in the faith as being "Oh, you don't have enough faith." A kind of "You aren't good enough" idea lodged in my brain, "You're bad because you have the sin of pride and not enough faith." or "You're bad because you are focusing on yoruself and wallowing in self-pity".

It's not what is written, it's just how I interpret almost every kind of faith-advice. When speaking to me in a helpful way, you have to be very careful in how you speak... And this writer's self-help work doesn't help me much when I look over it... so maybe I can help this person understand better how to write for the depressed people she wants to help.

Though, at one meeting, on a day when I felt especially despressed... I got an e-mail from the club head that night diciplining me for making a personal attack on this writer with my words. I didn't! I mean... I didn't mean to!

So, that's where I am... even in trying to help someone who is trying to write for depressed people understand the mind of someone who has emotional problems - I mess up.

Gah!

[Fsiphskilm]

Wow, I've gone through seriously almost the SAME thing

[JediSonic]

Thanks to that club, I'm seeing areas where my writing can, and needs to be... improved. I don't want my novel published until it's really good.

That's great! I used to think I would become a writer, but I'm kinda slow with good writing ideas, and don't have the patience to write a novel, let alone polish it to perfection!

Though, at one meeting, on a day when I felt especially despressed... I got an e-mail from the club head that night diciplining me for making a personal attack on this writer with my words. I didn't! I mean... I didn't mean to!

So, that's where I am... even in trying to help someone who is trying to write for depressed people understand the mind of someone who has emotional problems - I mess up.

Well that stinks [about the email]. However, please don't feel bad about having difficulty in "trying to help someone who is trying to write for depressed people understand the mind of someone who has emotional problems"... it sound complicated! Sometimes it is difficult to give someone constructive criticism without sounding too -- critical However, I think it's great that you want to help the person improve their writing style; if there's anyone who can put their thoughts into words, it's an experienced writer like yourself

[true_noir_chloe]

I should share rejection letter stories with you Shadsie. I'm now glad for all the rejection - - it's made me a better writer. I think. I know Mary Higgins Clark, another prolific writer like Louis L'Amour, was rejected around 100 times as well. After you read a few rejection letters you start to wonder if they actually read the same book you wrote. I've always wondered what God has in store for me. I've had success with my songwriting only; and yet I keep writing stories. I think EireWolf gave you some great scriptures that covered all the bases. I know how you feel sometimes because I've struggled with depression and it's okay to seek out counseling as a Christian. I'm praying for you and pm me if you want to talk over writing/publishing war stories or anything for that matter.

Here's a few hugs, that's what cheers up my daughter.