Shadow Crisis: The Series (Violence)

Unleash your creative writing skills here.

Shadow Crisis: The Series (Violence)

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sun May 29, 2005 7:52 am

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Sun May 29, 2005 1:52 pm

Cool! I like the character development of Xan, and some of you ideas for the monsters. I enjoyed this chapter even more than the last one. But I have got a question -what do these other characters look like?
Another tip though, is just that if there's any way around repeating a word when it's near to the sentence (or in the same sentence) when you originally used the word, it helps the sentences to flow. Sometimes you can get around that by calling it something else -for example, here's a random sentence using your mole monster:
'The mole monster roared in agony as Shia struck it. The terrible beast lurched towards Shia, trying to kill him before he did any more damage.' So sometimes it's just a matter of changing its name to a description of it -mole monster could become monster, beast, creature, etc.
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sun May 29, 2005 10:22 pm

Yeah, that's right. I haven't submitted any Xan, Jason, or Tajco drawings. I'll have to get on that.

Thanks for the tips. heh.

I'm going to start the next chapter now.
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Mon May 30, 2005 12:43 am

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby girlninja » Mon May 30, 2005 4:50 am

Very good story ^^

I do have some suggestions if you would like to listen ^^:;;
When your doing your description of emotion like Shian felt aggravated etc often it's better to let their actions describe their emotion such as:

insteand of Shian feels aggravated maybe something like, "Shian grit his teeth." a

the only other thing i saw was you used the same would alot sometimes, such as "charged" but other then that good story so far ^^
"If not now then when? If not me then who?-anonymous

and of course now i must instill the Dancing BANANA'S!
:dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance:

WHY AM I CRYING IN FRENCH-Vash the Stampede

ORORORORORO!-Himura Kenshin

:jump: :lol: :thumb:

"It is not weak to value human life!"-Raiden, Mortal Combat II

98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.

*ADOPTED BY* ..yea i know scary I got a adopted ~_^

Nami
User avatar
girlninja
 
Posts: 388
Joined: Sat Dec 25, 2004 3:03 pm
Location: On the rooftops *ninja poofing*

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Mon May 30, 2005 1:19 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Mon May 30, 2005 1:36 pm

That's cool; it's great to read more. I'll have to comment a little later in more detail, though, since I need to get moving. Just posting to let you know that I've read and enjoyed it. ^_^

<EDIT>All right I'm back. ;)
I noticed that you've mixed up the sentence starters a little more ("...Before the bullets hit the computer...", "Everything started going at normal..."). I'd like to see that a little more, but it's still good. I also liked the way you used 'commanded', 'gasped' and 'exclaimed' instead of 'said' all the time. :thumb: . It was great to read more, and I liked some of the moves you described. Your names are cool too -Xan, Shia, Trap, etc. You also wrote your speech well too, in a way that made it interesting rather than just explanatory.
Great writing. Keep it up!
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Tue May 31, 2005 12:09 am

.
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Tue May 31, 2005 9:28 am

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Tue May 31, 2005 2:28 pm

That's cool -it's a really interesting story that just seems to build as time goes on. I like the flash backs too; it makes a story interesting when you switch time zones.
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Tue May 31, 2005 10:56 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Wed Jun 01, 2005 10:33 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:35 pm

Cool! It's good to read more. ^_^ I like the actions you described.
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:56 am

Edit: Whoops! accidentaly clicked "post quick reply".
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sat Jun 04, 2005 7:28 pm

Edit: Clicked it again.

Where the heck is that freakin delete button!?
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Sat Jun 04, 2005 7:56 pm

I dunno... maybe only the mods and admins can delete posts? *shrugs*
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sat Jun 04, 2005 9:17 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Sat Jun 04, 2005 9:34 pm

That's cool. Thanks for posting s'more!
I like the new character. ^_^ Go chicks! :evil: ;)
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sun Jun 05, 2005 9:35 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:28 pm

Another cool chapter!
I noticed you put 'semi' instead of 'semi-automatic'; IMHO, if you put the full word it helps people understand it better, since not everyone will know what you mean by semi.
Great!
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:29 pm

heheh... um... a semi is a truck that holds cargo. lol.

Thanks for the comment.
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Warrior 4 Jesus » Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:34 am

Nice work mate! Yes, a semi is a type of truck in Australia also.
User avatar
Warrior 4 Jesus
 
Posts: 4844
Joined: Tue Sep 07, 2004 10:52 pm
Location: The driest continent that isn't Antarctica.

Postby Photosoph » Mon Jun 06, 2005 2:23 pm

:grin: Well, it's good to know that, guys. Thanks for the explanation! :lol:
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Mon Jun 06, 2005 2:54 pm

heheh you're welcome.
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:27 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:28 pm

had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:42 pm

Oh and, I've edited the most notable mistakes (Warrior 4 Jesus).

So you don't have to point out the really bad ones including the end to Xan's segment.
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Postby Photosoph » Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:36 pm

Cool, lots more! :jump: You're bringing out more excellent characters, character designs, and ideas. I'm really enjoying it. ^_^
(0)>
((_\//
mm

[Quote=Photosoph]Well, t'was a good deduction, Mr. Holmes! *salutes Mr. Myoti Sherlock Homes* [/QUOTE]
Myoti wrote:Elementary, my dear Watsoph. XD

\(^_^)/
Still in rest and recovery mode. Posting may be sporadic at times. :pinned:
User avatar
Photosoph
 
Posts: 1528
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2005 8:32 pm
Location: Kiwiland... fighting for mankind in the battle of human vs. sheep.

Postby Warrior 4 Jesus » Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:49 pm

What?!! I didn't say anything about editing! Did I? Anyway, I love your ideas and characters. Great work! How long are you planning this story to be? (roughly)
User avatar
Warrior 4 Jesus
 
Posts: 4844
Joined: Tue Sep 07, 2004 10:52 pm
Location: The driest continent that isn't Antarctica.

Postby Shia Kyosuka » Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:41 am

LOL!

I said that because I noticed you were reading (that thing on the bottom that shows who is viewing the thread), and there was this REALLY bad, embarrasing mistake near the end of Xan's episode segment. I just KNEW the first person who saw that was going to mention it. heheh.

Yeah.... It was that bad...
had enough.
Shia Kyosuka
 
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:23 pm

Next

Return to Writing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 125 guests