The Pain That I Endure

[Syaoran]

I don't know if this is the spot for this. I hope no one minds if this is no in the right spot. Just to let you know that my spelling is not that good and my gramer, vocab and punuation(sp) are not that good eather.


My name is Jonathan and I am 18. I will telling about the pain that I had for the past 13 years and still have the same pain that will go on till the day I get called home. This is my life, the life that I lived and still living. I started Kindergarden at the age of 5 like all kids do. On my first day of school I met a kid there that was lonly and had the same pain that I did so instenly we becam friends. I was bulled in Kindergarden by a few kids and same with my friend. this bulleing lasted for 13 years and still going. I would take this to my teacher but she did nothing about it and my Pairnts tryed to do some thing but had the same resalts. In grade 1 I acsepted Jesus Christ into my life with my dad. Grade 1 to 3 was hard years for me and my Parents. As the years whent by a specilest found out that I have a learning disability that afects my reading, spelling, and pronocing words. My friend Jason, was there for me when my Parints were in a on going battal with the school to get me the help that I needed. We would hang out and play games use are emaduation to make new worlds for are selfs. If I was bulled Jason was there to get me out of it, and if he was bulled I was there to get him out of it as well. In Grade 4 about haf way into the year things stared to get worrs from there. Jason moved away and another friend of mine move away as well. The bulleing got worrs to the point that I hurt some one realy badly. My parients did not know what to do with me when that happend. All they did was sent me off to a canciler to sort out my problems. It helped some what but the bulling still whent on. All this anger, hate, sorrow, and distrust bilt up to the point that I can't trust my Parients, brothers, friends, and my Teachers to this day on. Grade 6 was another bad year, I got into a nother fight with some one and they got realy hurt from me. Again another problem that my parints could not help me with, and same with my teachers. I got into alot of fights with my Dad this year and I still hate him to this day. Grade 7 was a allright year with some minor bulliing here and there, which I tryed to ignor. If my best friend was here I would not have been bullyed so much and I would proboly be a bitter kid and can trust others. I don't even trust my self. Grade 8 I still hate this year............There was this kid named stuert that keeped hourassing me. He even found out my Phone number and email address. He would send hate messages and thrent me and my family. then one day all this anger let go and I could not controll it any more. over the years I learnd how to controll my anger and hide my emotions from every one. I was in another fight this time I was going to kill this kid (stuert) for buging me and bugging me. I almost killed him when my teacher jummped in to stop me but I rebelled and I knocked him uncontions for tuching me. 5 Teachers had to hold me down to stop me. I was fuled by anger, hate, distrust and the earg to kill. from here I stared to fall form God. Stuert was sent to jail for hurassment and provock attack. I on the other hand was sent to my paster to sort thing out. I did not like this one bit......I was having a spirtal battle in side of me. there were days when I went back to God and days when I walked away form him. I was having trubles to trust him secnce I can't turst any one eals thanks to all the years of bullying that has happend to me. There were some nights were I would brek out in tears crying to God to help me but I got no help. It felt like he was punishing me for what I did in the past. I cryed for forgivness and help each night. My life was on a crash corse for suicide. I don't know what keeped me form killing my self but I am still here talking to you. Grade 9 and 10 were hard years as well by now I learnd to put all my emotions in to my wood work projects and not to turst any one. I was alone and lost......no one to got to for help and for comvert...........I would use dark woods for when I was sad, angery, and distrust. I would use light wood for when I was happy, loving, and when I felt loved. some times I would mix the two types of woods when My emotions were every were. I distient my self form friends that were a friend that were not like the way Jason was to me. I distent my self from my parints, my brothers, my paster, the whole church that I go to, and to God. I was lonly I had no one that I could trust. In grade 11 I was bullyed again to the point were I slamed him into the locker, even Grade 8 students were picking on me. I tryed my best to ignor them put my anger was to great to hold back. I sprong and some of the grade 8 go hurt realy badly. I got sent home then my Dad kicked me out of the house to think on what I did. In Grade 12 I have this hole in my sole. I had a lot of spirchal battels with my self in my sleep.....each night geting wors........one night I was confronted with a deamen and a angal they were both side by side looking at me then a war broke out. It was like this is how my battal was........ I tryed to talk to my paster about this but he was shocked on how I was confronted by the two people.......to this date I still can't trust any one and the battle still rages on...I am slowy going back to God. this is my pain that I endured so long and will continue to carry this pain till the day I get called home. This pain is my pain, that no one will under stand. I Walk a lonly road with this bearden on my back, with no friends to turn to......I have no friends that I can trust. My life is harder then any one can emadgon...............There are days were I pleed with God to take me home....to end my pain....my soffering.....my gilt.

[Syaoran]

I am finly done now you may post if you want to.

[holysoldier5000]

This was very brave of you to post your story. It is the first step to recovery when someone is willing to talk about their problems.

I can understand and relate to your story more then you can ever know. Growing up was hard and rough for me. It was a long hard journey to get where I am today. I have seen more then my share of troubles and tribulations. Growing up was hard. I have been in and out of more churches then I wish to count. When I was young my Dad was a pastor without a church. He would be called to pastor this church and that church but they were all alike: filled with legalist, judgmentalist, and hedonist. They treated my family awful and they gave me a view of the “churchâ€

[Sakura15]

Sy-chan, you may walk a lonely road, but you never walk it alone. From what you've said it sounds like you've had a pretty rough life. But, no matter what you've done God will forgive you, and keep on loving you. God says to,

"Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28


"Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." 1 peter 5:7

Go to Him, pray, tell him how you feel, Give it to Jesus, your feelings of loneliness, of pain, and sorrow. He understands them better than anyone ever could. What will He do with these offerings? nevermind, He knows what to do.


"Lo, I am with you always." Matthew 28:20

Nevermind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.

This is something that is very hard to do, but you need to refuse self-pity, absolutely. It's a deadly thing with the power to destroy you, instead turn your thoughts to Christ who has already carried your griefs and sorrows. Accept your loneliness, it is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God, it will not always last.

You may or may not believe this, but these struggles, may be bringing you closer to God, sometimes we have to endure hardship, to grow. If all struggles and suffering were eliminated, the spirit would no more reach maturity than would a child. The heavenly Father wants to see us grow up.


Spend daily time in His word, and prayer. Draw close to Him. He loves you more than you can ever know. And will never ever leave you.

It's good to know that even if its slowly, you are going back to God, continue to go back to Him, He will always be there with open arms.






( Btw, great post HS *thumbs up* )

[holysoldier5000]

I did not go through public school, and I thank God for that. I had such a temper back in those days of trouble that I would have probably done much worse then you. I know that there are so many pressures in school that can lead a person away from God. But you have been able to keep your faith in God. It may have staggered a bit from time to time, but you still haven’t given up on God, and that is so wonderful. You have retained, even if it is just a small piece, of the hope that God is still there. You have been able to keep off the Devil’s attacks, and still you hold on to God, I can see that. This is something you must continue to do. Don’t ever give up on God because he never gives up on you.

I don’t know how your relationship with your father is but I will challenge to try and talk with him. I hated my father for the pain he caused but I eventually got around to forgiving him. How did I do this? I understood that my father was just another sinful human in need, just as much as I am, of the grace and forgiveness of God.

Ask your Father this, “are you deeply encouraged by how much you mean to me?â€

[holysoldier5000]

What a Friend We Have in Jesus
Text: Joseph M. Scriven, 1820-1886
Music: Charles C. Converse, 1832-1918

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

[Sakura15]

[quote="holysoldier5000"]What a Friend We Have in Jesus
Text: Joseph M. Scriven, 1820-1886
Music: Charles C. Converse, 1832-1918

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged]

I love that song ^^

[holysoldier5000]

I love that song ^^

See, we don't walk a lonely road, becuase Jesus walks it with us, I walk it with you, and so many others. Syaoran, your not alone for we all are walking together.

[Sakura15]

See, we don't walk a lonely road, becuase Jesus walks it with us, I walk it with you, and so many others. Syaoran, your not alone for we all are walking together.

*nods* Yep! ^^

[Mr. SmartyPants]

i know what you are going through is really tough.... if ya read the book of Job... he had it tough too

Job lost his ENTIRE family... they all died... he lost his home, his posessions, his livestock, etc... and Job was just sitting down... and his friends came to console with him... telling him to forget it, get a new wife, etc etc etc... but Job had faith in God EVEN at his MOST DARKEST time... loosing everything... everything going just... horribly wrong...

in the end... he got like... 10 times more then what he had to begin with... and Job was suffering for... like many years

so even in your deepest darkest times.... rely on God! Stay faithful! Good will come! OF course it won't be instantaneous! But itll come! Even if you have to wait YEARS.... he will pull you through

In life... we all have trials, but there is NO trial that we cannot overcome... because God is faithful and he will NOT test us beyond our strength

God Bless you Syaoran, stay faithful

[Fsiphskilm]

That

[ChristianKitsune]

I am sorry about everything that has happened to you, Syaoran...but I agree with everything these guys have already said... WE are never alone...YOU are never alone...God IS always there! ^_^ He loves you and has a plan and purpose for your life...^_^ (see Jeremiah 29:11 )


I know life as a teenager can seem hard! But if you give all your problems to God, and look past everything negative...and look toward the things of worth and value that you DO have...than life will get so much more easier!! ^_^

I find that if one always looks at the negative...their way becomes cloudy...and they can't see straight...life becomes a dark dreary world that almost seems to never end... but, that is only a nightmare that can be woken up from!

Allow GOD to wake you up, buddy...give him EVERYTHING! Your worries..your anger..you fears...your pain...and he will change it into something good! Maybe not now...but soon...^_____^

God has a plan for all of us...and if we just remain faithful and patient and wait for HIS timing...than it will become known and will work for his glory...^_^

Always try to stay positive my friend...and life will be MUCH easier...

WE love ya here at CAA!!

[Sakura15]

:hug:

I am sorry about everything that has happened to you, Syaoran...but I agree with everything these guys have already said... WE are never alone...YOU are never alone...God IS always there! ^_^ He loves you and has a plan and purpose for your life...^_^ (see Jeremiah 29:11 )


I know life as a teenager can seem hard! But if you give all your problems to God, and look past everything negative...and look toward the things of worth and value that you DO have...than life will get so much more easier!! ^_^

I find that if one always looks at the negative...their way becomes cloudy...and they can't see straight...life becomes a dark dreary world that almost seems to never end... but, that is only a nightmare that can be woken up from!

Allow GOD to wake you up, buddy...give him EVERYTHING! Your worries..your anger..you fears...your pain...and he will change it into something good! Maybe not now...but soon...^_____^

God has a plan for all of us...and if we just remain faithful and patient and wait for HIS timing...than it will become known and will work for his glory...^_^

Always try to stay positive my friend...and life will be MUCH easier...

WE love ya here at CAA!!

Amen CR-chan! ^^

[holysoldier5000]

I have given you words of encouragement and I hope that you head them, now as a friend, I hope you will heed my rebuke. You mentioned suicide in your story and I wish to write on that subject. In John 17:15 Jesus said these words, “My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.â€

[Syaoran]

Thank you all.....your words are Encourageing and have love in them. thank you.

[holysoldier5000]

Your welcome Syaoran buddy. ***gives a big bear hug*** When ever you need a friend I's be hear for you.

[ChristianKitsune]

As will I, Sy-KUN! *hug*

[steelbeliever]

Hey dude, its good for you to let these things out y'know? I'm pretty new here and I have some hairy stories too, but trust in God, let him take you in. I mean, there is no life but in Christ, am I right?

[Syaoran]

Ya you are right about there is no life but in Christ.