Eternal Fire

[Emanku]

Okay, so I'm making this fantasy story with a Christian style to it. I've written three chapters (though I only have one typed up so far ) and was hoping I could get some advice on it. Most of the deeper spiritual implications should be obvious to the majority of Christians but, for those that are a little slower , I take time at the end of each chapter to explain.

I'd appreciate any comments (even those as simple as: "That was great!" or "That sucked!") and any helpful advice you can give.

Enjoy

Update 1:
I've put in the second chapter along with its explaination.
Thank you for the positive feedback. (please tell others about this story if you liked it )

[starstoryteller]

That was wonderful I liked how you incorperated turth w/ fiction fansty. please continue. Be some what cauous w/ the story, but not fearful.

[*Hope*]

More, more MORE!!! That was awesome! Keep it comin'!

[Emanku]

That was wonderful I liked how you incorperated turth w/ fiction fansty. please continue. Be some what cauous w/ the story, but not fearful.

Thank you for the compliment. And yes I am being careful. I have my parents and my youth pastor look at my works then I post them here in hopes of additional confirmation that I am correctly following God's leadings.

More, more MORE!!! That was awesome! Keep it comin'!

Sure! Here you go! *goes and updates* (see first post)

[Lunis]

That is awesome! I love how you fit spiritual meanings in the story so perfectly! You obviously know a lot about Christianity! I wish I could sort out all my thinking onto paper so well. And it was so easy for me to read and understand the meanings! I feel like it's doing me a lot of good by reading this.

[ShiroiHikari]

Well... I can't get the attachment to DL so I'll come try it again later...

[uc pseudonym]

General commentary on my part, written as I read:

Often your paragraphs are slightly too long. This is not a bad enough problem as to effect readability, but it is observable. Often just one more break would solve the problem; most of your paragraphs shift emphasis at a specific point anyway. On the other hand, your paragraphs are not bad, so going overboard in the opposite direction could also have negative consequences.

Your writing style itself is decent. I had no complaints and occasional praise, though I will not bother stating all of that here.

In your initial post you referred to deeper spiritual implications; these are not as obvious as you may believe. They are very present, but unfortunately too ambiguous.

At least... that was what I had intended to write before your explanation. I was looking several layers deeper, and attempting to discern meaning where none was intended. This explains the prior ambiguity, and negates it. For the level a which you were working, you have worked well.

There are a few times when a semicolon would be better used than a comma (generally, when the comma seperates two sentences that could serve just as well on their own). Also, the sentence "Gideon saw no need to answer, Robert already knew the answer." is slightly redundant, in that "answer" is used twice in a short period of time. But I feel certain a writer of your caliber will be easily able to find another method of stating this.

Other than this, I have basically no suggestions for improvement. I hope that you took this in the proper manner, and that it was helpful?

[Emanku]

:o That is awesome! . . . I feel like it's doing me a lot of good by reading this.

Thank you, Lunis, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I'm even more glad that you feel my story is helpful.

Well... I can't get the attachment to DL so I'll come try it again later...

I hope you have better luck downloading it next time. (I don't really believe in luck, but it seems like a nice thing to say in this instance)

General commentary on my part, written as I read: . . .

Thank you for the feedback. I'll look into shortening some of my paragraphs and changing a few commas into semicolons. In that one sentance, you were right, using "answer" twice was pretty dumb]Coming soon:[/B]
-Minor grammatic changes recommended by uc pseudonym.
-Chapter 3

[uc pseudonym]

I believe it was an attached document that has been severed from that post (likely by server changes among other shifts).