Rock bottom. Throw me a rope, we've got plenty of shovels down here

[Mullet Death]

A little more than a year ago, I posted a prayer thread attempting to relay what was going on in my life here. Consider this the successor to that. I never really made good on my promise to respond to everyone on an individual level, and I've only kept a few of you updated, with sparse details at that. I apologize if for whatever reason that bothered anyone. This may be difficult to follow and yet probably still won't adequately cover everything. My brain is even foggier than normal as I write this, so try to bear with me.

Around the end of last year I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and severe psychotic depression, for which I have not received much in the way of treatment. That is no one's fault but my own I suppose.

A man I knew once told me, when I speculated long ago that I may have mental illness of some kind, "Merely giving what you live every day a label won't solve anything." I guess I understand what he meant now, because that's precisely how it's gone down. My "conditions" have been officially named, but that hasn't panned out into some kind of "cure" or even "answers." I still have no stable, consistent sense of self. I still don't particularly like that guy in the mirror even when I think I do have some idea.

I still don't connect with people the way I want. I keep myself shoved up in my room and pretend my problems or other people's problems don't exist, because that's all I've ever known: running away. Looking away. Escaping into fantasy. If there's anything I've gained recently and in all this, it is the overwhelming knowledge of my utter helplessness. I am a coward. I cannot live my own life. I am trapped; I'm all alone in this world. I carry a lot of regrets and live a life that seems hopelessly pointless. At the moment, I feel quite comfortable saying it is, in fact, pointless, since it's been a life largely without actively allowing God into my life for a number of months, or perhaps years now.

I won't attempt to divulge all the nuances of my thoughts and feelings or how they relate to being depressed, much less borderline; I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not in a good position to even speak as someone with that disorder, given how little therapy I've attended. Suffice to say that right now I am in such a dark place that the previous paragraph is 100% sincere, yet other times, I'm on top of the world. Those extremes can even coexist multiple times a day, though recently it's been much more of a downward, dissociative spiral. I've hit rock bottom when it comes to sexual sins and pmo. I can't focus when trying to work or study. I don't enjoy my beloved anime, manga, games or computer crap. I'm reckless and neglectful with my money, my physical health, and relationships. I'm just all around miserable.

In other words, looking back at that old thread, it looks like little has changed. I'm the worst I've ever been or felt-- such emptiness-- but if that thread, my now cloudy memory of the Bible, and a view into my own heart are any indication, that's kind of just par for the course. I think Proverbs 26:11 puts it well when it says: "As dogs return to their vomit, so fools repeat their folly." I'm a wreck, and enough is enough. I desperately need to repent, change, do something about my actions, inaction, and poor state in life. I have to believe again and reestablish a relationship with God.

Please pray. I don't want to or know how to pray myself any more. My heart has been hardened.

I'm going to make an effort to give some kind of update within this thread at least once a week. Maybe the accountability of sharing more will incite me to change.

[Midori]

I will pray. You don't have to keep me updated if you don't want, but you may if you do want.

I was gonna say all the stuff, like, you're not alone in this, and sin affects all of us, and we're all worse on the inside than we admit on the outside, but you know all that I'm sure.

Instead what I want to say is that I see you as a role model. All of us are soaked in sin, the wages of which are death. But the worst sin is pride, which keeps us from even acknowledging that. Somebody like you, who has a diagnosed psychological disorder, is not in much danger of becoming prideful. I can rattle on about how bad it is that our society has a prejudice against people with psychological diseases, but at least it has that protective effect. Perhaps you may, during a period of negativity, convince yourself that you are prideful, but that very thought proves itself incorrect.

I think that you are a lot safer, from a salvation perspective, than I am. I have my own sins, but I have a respectable facade, an alibi. I can convince myself that I am spiritually okay and a good person. I do this sometimes, and I really shouldn't. Compared to you, I am the rich person, the one about whom Jesus said it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for the rich person to get into the kingdom of heaven. You are the poor in spirit, whom Jesus said is blessed, because theirs is the kingdom of heaven. The world tells us that to be a good person you have to feel good about yourself, but that's nonsense.

I don't think things are going to get better for you right away. God has his own timeline. I think that you have made some progress already; you may not feel it, but in fact getting a diagnosis is a big step forward in dealing with mental illness. But don't feel like you have to be in a rush to fix yourself. The world is very much in a hurry all the time, but God tends to have a more leisurely pace. I do think he'll bring you up to shape eventually if you can just hang on until then, but I don't know how long it'll be. Perhaps you'll have to fight with this the rest of your life, but even still you are his valuable child, and he won't throw you away just because you're kind of broken.

[Sheenar]

Praying for you, my friend.

You are loved!!

I'm having trouble finding words right now. But I wanted to respond to let you know you are loved and that you have many people who care and who will be pulling for you all the way. And a God who loves you more than any person ever could.

We're all terribly broken. Some just have their brokenness more visible and apparent than others. I recently had a conversation with a friend about this because I've been struggling with feeling broken myself.

Hang in there, Mullet.

[goldenspines]

I will be praying for you, Mullet.

Sometimes instead of throwing us a rope, God will grab a shovel and start digging a tunnel back to the surface with us.
Lame analogy, I know. There are so many things I want to say to try to help and encourage you, but none of the words seem to work well right now. :\

[artisticDreamer]

I'll be praying for you.

[Nate]

Sometimes instead of throwing us a rope, God will grab a shovel and start digging a tunnel back to the surface with us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b97zJxKEqAk

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying for you, Mullet. I don't have fancy words for you right now, but I'm praying.

[Panda4christ:3]

I'm no psychologist, so I won't pretend to have an extensive knowledge on any of this or any special words to sooth you, but I'm most certainly praying <3

[Kraavdran]

I've read a bit about borderline and depression, but know very little in terms of what treatment looks like. I also can't comprehend how tough it must be for you.

But, regardless, I just wanted to say that I'll be praying as well. To be honest, I don't know what else I can say that would help. But, sending lots of support/encouragement your way