Postby Jingo Jaden » Sun Nov 27, 2011 1:13 pm
Ok, now that you've gotten that out of your system. It would be a good take a deep breath, sit down, and think about all of this. Rants are never the highlights of a person, but they can reveal important bits. As this has obviously been boiling within you for a long time with no release valve.
Firstly, you speak of God as if you knew his final design. I do believe you can see how foolish that is yourself. That however, came as a result of you having expectations of your own for God, which rarely ever turns out as one expects. As the old Jews wished for the Messiah to essentially be new David to drive the Romans out by waging brilliant wars against them. Which obviously was not the case. However, having expectations for God, or even demands, often leads to a person creating God within their own image, which can only invite disaster. Perhaps recent events are driving you and Andre apart because of this? As far as Andre's life goes. Regardless of how he views Christianity at present. I got the feeling his story has not been told just yet.
I would, however, not speak of the nature of hell lightly, as it is a terror beyond human comprehension, which has had even among the strongest of apostles cry at the very understanding of its existence.
Going deeper into the point I made before that. It is clear that you care much more for Andre than you care for God right now, and that you have a deep affection of him. And that things recently could only have taken a turn for the worse. However, if you have anything, but God at the center of your life, and disaster strikes, you will essentially be left with nothing to hang onto. You will also have no rope for when other things strike. I will not pretend to know you, or the pain, which I wholeheartedly think is crippling. With the added injury of having anything to look forward to. I have been legitimately heartbroken twice. It is a crappy feeling with no equal, and I found myself useless in both cases for well over a month. I know mentioning it, as if I had felt anything equal, feels like a grave insult. However, know that it is not and that I am terribly sorry for the trial you are undergoing.
As far as how much God cares. I am afraid I cannot specifically answer that question. I am not God, so I cannot say how much he has invested in this. What I can say, however, is that he created both you and Andre. Having more hopes for either of you than there are grains of sand at the beach. That alone shows a passion that goes beyond what is human. Jesus himself wept, and I am quite certain, that somewhere within those tears, was him seeing you and the suffering you currently go through. Now, you got to turn your question around and ask yourself if you care about the tears of God? When he wept for all our wrongs and evils. If you care for the blood of God? As he forgave the sins of the world on the cross. If you care for the pain God still feels, as he knows your pain. He is the perfect judge, so it's more than mere knowledge of your pain that God can tell.
Under trials like this, the least thing you should worry about is going to church. Rather, meditate to God honestly. Bring all that you are forward too him, all your imperfections, and all your sufferings and trials. A relationship with God is a living relationship, as must ones faith be. It helps little gathering within safe halls, with all the wealth and comfort in the world if ones faith is in a crisis. This world is quite unforgiving, and your trials will by en large be seen by others as problems you ultimately stand responsible for, even when that's not really fair. That's where it is good to have, and be on good terms with God. He does provide, despite not always giving us what we want.
And I will pray for you. That you can gather your rest whenever you can. That those small, yet pleasant things in life will occur frequently. I pray not for an easy deliverance, but that you will grow stronger alongside your trust to God, so that you never need to suffer like this again, and will help others that struggle with the same. I pray that your energy will be rejuvenated, so you can exercise your creativity and rediscover joy. Since you have contacts within the christian community, I would advice sharing your feelings and concerns to them, to whatever degree you feel appropriate.
There is not much more that I can say right now, as ultimately, this is between you and God. I would take it as a great compliment if you would pm me and share what you have on your mind and heart. As I only wish the best for you.
God bless.
Of two evils, choose neither - Charles Spurgeon.
Unfortunatly there isn't a button to turn negative feelings off or I would have discovered it by now. Hang in there, things will get better some day. Hopefully sooner then later.
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