Have you tried talking about your questions with a pastor or a Christian whose walk you respect? Or how about making a thread to ask some of those questions? I’m sure there are many members here who would be happy to share their thoughts on these questions (as would I), but this thread is probably not the place for that.
Anyways, I will pray for you. Also, try taking a look at this video of
Rich Mullins in concert—he shares about rededicating his life multiple times. It’s humorous, but there are also a lot of great thoughts in it; I hope that seeing someone who was so influential talking about how he had given his life to Christ over and over again can be of some encouragement to you.
Oh, and by the way, it’s normal to have questions that you struggle with; working through those things is part of the walk of faith. No one has everything figured out perfectly. It’s possible to give up trying, but to do so would mean stagnation; wrestling with those things is part of what makes us grow.