I give up

[Riggidig]

15 years of praying to God to take away this hate I constantly feel for myself, to take away (or at least help me fight) this constant addiction I have to lust. I'm tired. I don't want to anymore. I'll never be a strong man for God, be a good man for my wife (who would marry me anyway), a role model for my children. I'll always be drifting through life like this. I'm already 31 and haven't lived or done anything worth mentioning in my life. I suck. I'm useless, and no matter how many times people tell me "Jesus loves you", I just, don't, BELIEVE THEM. How can anyone love someone like me, with my constant mood swings and easily-triggered temper. No wonder I don't have many friends. You'd have to be insane to put up with my nonsense.

So, I give up. I'm tired of fighting (not like I did much fighting to begin with, lazy bum).

[K. Ayato]

You hate yourself. Why?

[Sapphire225]

Don't Give Up

Do you know how long it took for my grandfather to stop smoking and drinking the way he did in order to do what God tod him to do? Over 50 years. My mom suffered from depression for several years, even after I was born and growing up and finally overcame it around my teen years. She's 46 now. When John 3:16 says is that God so loved the world, not single individuals, not certain groups of people, but the world, meaning everyone who has, is, and will reside here.

You are not alone in your struggles and will never be; it takes longer for some people and shorter for others to get over our issues that we struggle with on a daily basis. Either way, we all struggle with something in our everyday lives, whether it be computer addiction, porn addiction, drug addiction, etc. Don't call it quits when you still have much potential (and yes, you do have much potential, don't try to argue that fact) and a life ahead of you. You've probably done many things in your life that are worth mentioning, but if you continue to override it with such pessismism, you'll forget the extent of your capabilities. If you truly believe you haven't done anything, then start. You're only 31, which is older than me but not at all old. Besides, Jesus hung out and ate with prostitutes and tax payers, healed the ear of one of the people sent out to come for him, and all of his disciples and apostles consisted of sinners, which we all are.

After becoming a true christian, having been an agnostic who attended church only because my parents took me, I began to doubt and wonder to myself how such a hypocrite such as I, who had went to church but couldn't truly bring myself to believe could possibly be loved. I had those thoughts for quite some time, believing myself to be nothing more than someone who got many things but deserved nothing. It took me some time to actually believe that God loved me and forgave me, even when I tended to back-slide from time to time.

Proverbs 24:16 says this:

For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down my calamity.

Also, the second quote on your signature says it nicely.

We all have flaws and sometimes the overwhelming feeling to give up, which is basically the devil trying to wear us down enough. That doesn't mean we have to. Don't hate yourself when you're more likeable then you give yourself credit for.

In any case, I will be praying for you definately.

[Nami]

Yea, what Sapphire said.

Rig, you are a good man. Suffering from addictions is a harsh reality that takes time, patience and trust in God. If you don't trust God to take your burdens, then you will forever carry the heavy load on your back instead of falling on your face and screaming to God, "Take this from me." And trusting, that through Him, you have the power to over-come ALL odds, big, small, horrible, true, old, new, brutal, or painful. No mountain is too big, no wind too strong, to keep you from the power of God. In fact, the real thing that holds people back, is no more than themselves. Putting up a gate to control their life.

Its all about control. Whether you, or even I, realize it or not, we are afraid to let God handle our lives, we feel we know best! We can do it! We know this road. Too bad its the same road we always stumble, always get hurt, and almost always fall over on. With God, He takes us down a separate path, with no roots to trip on, no trees to stop us. Its clear, its beautiful. You may not be able to see the end of the road, but its that road that will take us to where we need to be.

God is waiting Rig, all you have to do is let Him hold you. And welcome you back into His Fatherly embrace. Let Him take your worries, your fears, the control you feel you need, let Him wash away the sins of the past, so you can begin anew, with fresh breath, strength and courage like you've never felt before. Let it all go. And be made new every morning that you wake up to the sun and the birds praising God.

Don't hold on to what makes you feel worthless. You are worthwhile. And Jesus Christ was tortured and died all for you. Don't waste such a precious Gift. Embrace it. Hold it. And most of all, remember it.

I'm praying for you.

[bigsleepj]

I'm not going to repeat theological points that others have already made. I'm just going to say I've seen this thing before. I have struggled with self-loathing as well and I know it is a struggle you can't do alone. It like a cancer it feeds on loneliness, and finding someone to talk to (whether a psychologist or family member) is essential.

But more importantly, even if you can't find someone, one thing I have learned is that self-hatred is delusional. It exaggerates, twists things and bend talents and ideas until something that means something seem to mean nothing and inflates things that are small into illusionary mountains. Many creative, intelligent people suffer from self-loathing and it manifests in many things (particularly perfectionism), but it doesn't mean it is true. It may seem and it may feel true but like a phantom limb it is not there. It is part of a bigger problem and finding a Christian psychologist or counsellor would help.

Also, I've seen your deviant art site. I think your art is wonderful. I can't draw like that. So if you say bluntly 'you suck' then I know its your depression talking and not you. I know that from experience as well.

[Tenchi]

I guess the main issue that seems to make you think poorly of yourself here is your addiction to lust. I haven't seen much talk in the previous posts about this... it's not an easy thing to talk about, but here are my opinions.

I may just be 20 years old, but I've talked to my father about this subject before. He said that even after he was married, he still struggled with lust up until he was somewhere in his early thirties. And I'm sure he still had to fight the battle and had his downfalls after that.

It's an ongoing battle, but it is possible to win, and what really matters is that you persist towards this goal. When you fall down, accept that you're human and get back up. It's when you give up that you've lost, because then there is no hope. That's right: whether or not this can be overcome is your decision, using the conscience, intelligence, and free will that God has blessed you with.

Now, another thing that I realize MIGHT be the case from my own personal experience, is that in the age of the internet that we live in, the access that you have to practically anything at your fingertips may make you think that you've done terrible things or you've become someone strange, a filthy, abnormal creature that is so extreme that he deserves to wallow in his filthiness. But you're wrong.

No matter what you do or think you've done, you can always come back to God's grace. Even if you've developed habits that seem to only be getting worse, and you fall over and over again, God doesn't hold it against you. Or, rather, he doesn't WANT to hold it against you. He died on the cross so that you and me, and everyone else, might be saved. No matter what kind of fall to human nature we have taken. It's up to you whether or not you want to accept this and try again.

Whenever I fall to sexual sin... I feel terrible as well. Like it's something I couldn't have helped, and now that it's happened, it'll probably happen again, and again, and it won't end anytime soon, and I'll just be hurting God everytime. Perhaps I will do it again. But instead of giving into this, I pray. I say sorry to God as quickly as I can. I don't desensitize myself to the fact that I sinned by doing this; I reinvigorate my will so that instead of thinking about when I might fall again, I think about how God is forgiving, and that with the strength that his eternal grace gives me, and will strive to keep moving in the right direction.

The results don't matter to me. Even whether or not I showed any real effort to stop from sinning before doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I get up and try again, as that is the only way to a brighter future.

May God bless you, and may you be surrounded with friends. You may think ill of yourself, but you have good intentions. As long as I know that, I know you can do it.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

The only reason why I'm going to bring this up is in case if it may come to any sort of benefit to Riggidig.

I guess the main issue that seems to make you think poorly of yourself here is your addiction to lust. I haven't seen much talk in the previous posts about this... it's not an easy thing to talk about, but here are my opinions.

This doesn't make much sense, and would be very very unlikely. If anything, it could be the opposite -- i.e. having sexual/lust issues because of low self-respect. But even this isn't likely. Everybody lusts. People with lots of self-respect and people with no self-respect. So having issues with lust is not the root cause of low self-esteem. Feeling guilty after doing something and having a perpetual sense of no self-respect are pretty different from each other.

Riggidig, you're allowed to be patient with yourself. Part of loving yourself includes being patient with yourself. And that's what you have to do first: Love yourself.

There's a book with one chapter that I think covers this topic really well, and above that I think you'll really enjoy the writing style of the author. It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It's not too expensive and you'll love reading it. Everyone I know has. I recommend that you check it out.

[AnimeGirl]

As someone who has self-loathed herself many times, don't self-loathe yourself (not matter how much of a horrible person you "think" you are). It not only hurts you, but actually those who love you. I also have a friend who doesn't like herself, and it pains me. I can relate, but God and my family has helped me and I've tried my best to see myself as God does. We all feel worthless at some point, but it's not how God sees us. We struggle, but God can help us. No matter how many times we fall, never give up. Keep praying, keep fighting, and try to find things you like about yourself. Now I am not asking you be become arrogant and go "I am awesome!" all the time XD!! But my dad told me that if you don't love yourself, how can you love others? There's no love to give. And by loving yourself, I mean being comfortable and happy how God made you. Think of yourself as a one-of-a-kind masterpiece by the Greatest Artist in the whole universe ^.^ No a mistake, not someone who can't overcome sin, but a masterpiece. And know that Christ can help you overcome, that is why He died to save us.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

[Tenchi]

The only reason why I'm going to bring this up is in case if it may come to any sort of benefit to Riggidig.

This doesn't make much sense, and would be very very unlikely. If anything, it could be the opposite -- i.e. having sexual/lust issues because of low self-respect. But even this isn't likely. Everybody lusts. People with lots of self-respect and people with no self-respect. So having issues with lust is not the root cause of low self-esteem. Feeling guilty after doing something and having a perpetual sense of no self-respect are pretty different from each other.

Riggidig, you're allowed to be patient with yourself. Part of loving yourself includes being patient with yourself. And that's what you have to do first: Love yourself.

There's a book with one chapter that I think covers this topic really well, and above that I think you'll really enjoy the writing style of the author. It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It's not too expensive and you'll love reading it. Everyone I know has. I recommend that you check it out.

Yeah, I agree. I assumed a bit much there, sorry. This is a better way to put it.

[Okami]

There's a book with one chapter that I think covers this topic really well, and above that I think you'll really enjoy the writing style of the author. It's called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It's not too expensive and you'll love reading it. Everyone I know has. I recommend that you check it out.

Seconding Blue Like Jazz. It is my favorite book. And MSP...are you mentioning the chapter on Penguins? Because that was the first to come to mind! XD

Sapphire, Nami, and BSJ already summed up my thoughts. Like many others have mentioned, I too have dealt with self-loathe. I have scars on my wrist that are daily reminders of where I have been - but not only that, they are also reminders of Christ's healing in my life. My pastor once used my (anonymous) testimony during a sermon, a one-minute example among others of God's power to change people's lives, even within our church. I'd be more than willing to share the sermon with you, just let me know.

God is still in the business of changing lives. Yes, even yours. Yes, even when you don't see it, and can't possibly imagine things being different. Patience, friend. These lyrics say it better than I can right now.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

No! Well... maybe? XD I'm talking about the chapter towards the end where he's talking to some lady/sort-of therapist about his relationship problems and one day while depressed in a bathroom he realizes what it means to love yourself. XD

[agasfas]

So, I give up. I'm tired of fighting (not like I did much fighting to begin with, lazy bum).

If you did not do much fighting to begin with then why are you
surprised/sad that things are the way they are?

The one question I would like you to ask yourself is, "Are you living for yourself or are you living to serve the Lord?" Put your trust in Lord and His Word, and He will take care of you.

I will pray that the Lord will comfort you and give you guidance. I hope things get better.

[Yuki-Anne]

I'll always be drifting through life like this. I'm already 31 and haven't lived or done anything worth mentioning in my life.

You know what? You don't have to stay this way. Do you volunteer in any way?

Also... it's never too late to pray and see if missions might be something you should look into, even if just for the short term. Of course, service isn't going to solve your problem, but at the same time, if you're sick of being useless, then it seems to me that the antedote would be usefulness. Trust me, there are a ton of needs out there that you can help with, you just need to look for them.

If you hate yourself for being lazy then... stop being lazy. Pray that God will show you where He wants you to serve. And don't sit around and wait for Him to hit you over the head with a stack of bricks that He wants you to use to build a house for a poor family or something. Find something to do and start doing it. God'll put you where he wants you.

[SincerelyAnomymous]

I never, ever in my life did anything worth mentioning. But eventually I did do sd.omething worth mentioning because I tried hard to be a good influence and be a good Christian. I'm still trying har

Don't hate yourself, because God doesn't hate you. No matter what you do, God will never hate you. He loves you, no matter what

[Riggidig]

I feel like I need to give some sort of response, since a lot of you went to a lot of effort in your replies here I see. Honestly I'm not really sure what to say, because I'm not sure if I'm coming off as attention-seeking by responding. Then again, I'm worried I might come off as a jerk by NOT responding. So, I'll just say:

Thanks.

Other than that I'm not really sure what to say at the moment.