The decision not to have kids(a rant).

[TopazRaven]

I think if I hit 30 or 35, have a stable job, and there's still no possibility of marriage in sight, I'm going to see what my options are for fostering/adoption.

That's pretty much the way I see it to. I really hope by that point in my life I'll actually have a job and my own house instead of mooching off my poor mom like I am now. In all honesty I do know how you feel, sometimes I feel like I really want a family so bad it can hurt. I'm so shy, awkward and anti-social though I highly doubt I'll ever meet anyone. It's all just in God's hands I guess.

[Shao Feng-Li]

TO OUTER SPACE!!!

Anywho, I'll go ahead and put in my deux pennies. I used to think the idea of having children was terrible, I never wanted to have kids. I had a lot of trouble dealing with them, and still do.

There's a big difference in dealing with your own kids, as opposed to someone else's. For starters, you don't love someone's kids with that paternal/maternal love.

[Atria35]

There's a big difference in dealing with your own kids, as opposed to someone else's. For starters, you don't love someone's kids with that paternal/maternal love.

You know, one of my friends used that logic to say why they didn't feel uncomfortable adopting...

[Shao Feng-Li]

You know, one of my friends used that logic to say why they didn't feel uncomfortable adopting...

Huh, I'm not sure what to respond with... A friend's kid is a bit different than an orphan. I'm just saying, I had a fear of holding my friend's baby, for fear of being spit up on. Mom told me you don't care so much when it's your own kid.

[TWWK]

There's a big difference in dealing with your own kids, as opposed to someone else's. For starters, you don't love someone's kids with that paternal/maternal love.

This is true.

I was never a baby guy. I didn't think they were especially cute, and they seemed to be a lot of trouble (and boy, are they!). I liked playing with slightly older kids, but again, I didn't feel paternal.

Having your own kid certainly changes things. The fierceness of your love toward your children is almost indescribable and unlike anything I've ever experienced. And their utter devotion to and love for you is breathtaking. It's a relationship that's hard to express in words and I think impossible to emulate.

I just wanted to throw this out there for those of you who think you may not have kids because you don't especially like children.

For those of you who feel you're called to be celibate, that's awesome!

And for others who have differing thoughts, I just hope that you'll let your heart be open to the possibility of children somewhere down the line and that you'll seek God in that decision when the time comes.

[Sheenar]

I think if I hit 30 or 35, have a stable job, and there's still no possibility of marriage in sight, I'm going to see what my options are for fostering/adoption.

I'd have to be married or at least live long-term with another person to be able to adopt --even if I got a stable job, raising a child alone would be very difficult for me physically --unless maybe if the child was a little older and could do some things themselves (bathing, making their bed, help me cook, etc.)

[Tarnish]

I hate children, especially babies. It's not like I go around saying this to everyone, but when asked, I've made my position clear in that I have absolutely no desire to pollute the world with miniature versions of myself. But since I live in Texas, everyone knows that because I am female I should, and will, eventually want children of my own. This is a fact, apparently.

So in attempts to soften my stone Grinchy heart, I constantly get family memebers trying to win me over with their hideous, screechy spawn, that only seem to get less endearing with each passing year. Making me hold their gurgling bundles of bacteria despite my best efforts. "You'll change your mind, someday!" They insist. The scariest part of all of this, to me, is that I realize I have a lot of growing up to do, and they may very well be right. What if when I'm 30 I feel such a need for validation that I decide to breed just so I'll have something that loves me by default? That thought sickens me. It's gotten to the point that I resent children, in of themselves.

But I'm not, like, bitter or anything.

[aliveinHim]

I loooooooooooooooooooove children. Do I want my own? Well, I want kids but I'm scared to death at the thought of being pregnant and giving birth (I think it's a bit immature on my part and I'll prolly outgrow that fear). I like to tell my dad that I want do only adopt but he wants me to have my own (so my kids can look like me, cuz then they'll look like him). It's ok if certain people don't want to have kids. Maybe God's calling them to do other things and children would get in the way. The only reason why I'd want my own children is for breastfeeding (because it's healthier than bottle feeding but that's another discussion. My bro read this one article how breastfed babies grow up to be healthier and smarter).

[Maledicte]

Definitely on the same boat as Yuki-Anne.

I don't want to have kids of my own, but my heart really aches for kids with nowhere to go or who are constantly bounced around by the system. So I'd much rather spend my time, resources, health, and energy on helping them live safely and well cared-for than passing on my own DNA.

[shooraijin]

I constantly get family memebers trying to win me over with their hideous, screechy spawn

[TWWK]

But since I live in Texas, everyone knows that because I am female I should, and will, eventually want children of my own. This is a fact, apparently.

Hey, hey, HEY!

Wait...you know, you're right. Texas is kinda like this.

[Yuki-Anne]

I know a couple who adopted five special needs kids. I think that's the most amazing thing; I can't imagine wanting to do that.

[Rewin]

I was never a baby guy. I didn't think they were especially cute, and they seemed to be a lot of trouble (and boy, are they!). I liked playing with slightly older kids, but again, I didn't feel paternal.

Having your own kid certainly changes things. The fierceness of your love toward your children is almost indescribable and unlike anything I've ever experienced. And their utter devotion to and love for you is breathtaking. It's a relationship that's hard to express in words and I think impossible to emulate.

I just wanted to throw this out there for those of you who think you may not have kids because you don't especially like children.

THIS!!!

I'm definitely not good with babies. Even my own little 4 week old I'm still awkward with. But what a difference between dealing with her vs my 3 nieces and 1 nephew. To me it seems dealing with other peoples' kids is so difficult partly because when they're doing something you disapprove of you can't really say anything, but when it's your own you can take care of it. You get to raise the kid your way.
My wife and I have discussed adoption a lot and will likely do it in the future, the real question now is how many of our own we want first. I'm still really nervous about the whole adoption thing, wondering if I can treat an adopted child the same as my own. But after seeing some friends adopt and how well it has gone for them, it has warmed me up to it even more.

[Lynna]

A lot of people who say they hate children all seem to think that their children will be miniture versions of themselves. Well, let me break it to you, they're not.
CHILDREN ARE THEIR OWN UNIQUE PEOPLE WHO WILL GROW UP TO BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM YOU OR ANY OTHER PERSON THAT HAS EVER LIVED.
I'm no expert on children, but that I'm pretty sure of.
I want to have kids a lot ^_^ but not till I'm older.

[Cognitive Gear]

I've got to be honest, I don't know if I will ever feel ready to be a Dad. I do feel a general desire to be one, but I don't think it will be the end of the world if I never get the chance.

Basically, for now I am just waiting to see how life plays out.

[shooraijin]

I don't think anybody's ever ready. Ask the dads in this thread.

[Nate]

To me it seems dealing with other peoples' kids is so difficult partly because when they're doing something you disapprove of you can't really say anything, but when it's your own you can take care of it. You get to raise the kid your way.

No. All babies poop and cry and have to be fed. Forget that noise. At least cats are cute and you can pet them, and you don't have to pay attention to them constantly.

Besides I don't feel like being responsible for raising another human being. I'd leave my M-rated video games lying around the house without caring, I'd wander around in nothing but my underwear when it was hot, I'd ignore my kid asking for help with their homework because I'm watching MLP or Super Hero Time...it'd be a mess. Totally not worth it.

Besides, they'd expect me to buy them stuff. I already have enough stuff to buy for myself without having to buy someone ELSE stuff too.

[Yuki-Anne]

Yes, those things are nasty, and I have to admit that I'm not looking forward to that, but I think most of us would (and probably will) find that our love for those kids completely outweighs how much we are inconvenienced by them.

[Rewin]

No. All babies poop and cry and have to be fed. Forget that noise. At least cats are cute and you can pet them, and you don't have to pay attention to them constantly.

Besides I don't feel like being responsible for raising another human being. I'd leave my M-rated video games lying around the house without caring, I'd wander around in nothing but my underwear when it was hot, I'd ignore my kid asking for help with their homework because I'm watching MLP or Super Hero Time...it'd be a mess. Totally not worth it.

Besides, they'd expect me to buy them stuff. I already have enough stuff to buy for myself without having to buy someone ELSE stuff too.

True, but I don't change the diapers
The crying can get frustrating, especially when you can't figure out the why. Worse yet, my wife always takes her and almost instantly she gets quiet
And I agree, Nate, not everyone is made to have kids. And I agree with Yamamaya, it's nobody's business if you don't want to have kids (well, besides a possible spouse, but you know what I mean).
@Shooraijin I don't know about the other dads, but I know I wasn't and I'm still not.

[TWWK]

[quote="shooraijin (post: 1484010)"]I don't think anybody's ever ready. Ask the dads in this thread. ]

If someone tells you he's ready...I think he has any idea what he's getting into.

[quote="Yuki-Anne (post: 1483961)"]I know a couple who adopted five special needs kids. I think that's the most amazing thing]

That's AMAZING. That's really incredible.

On the topic of adoption, since it's been brought up so much here - I'm just very encouraged by hearing so many of you want to/plan to adopt. I'm hoping that my wife and I will do so in the future, but the more I hear from those who have gone through the process and the more I research, the more I'm discouraged by the cost of adoption, even with available financial help.

[Yamamaya]

No. All babies poop and cry and have to be fed. Forget that noise. At least cats are cute and you can pet them, and you don't have to pay attention to them constantly.

Agreed. I'd rather have a kitten than a baby, because kittens are awesome and adorable even when they grow up and become cats.

Besides I don't feel like being responsible for raising another human being. I'd leave my M-rated video games lying around the house without caring, I'd wander around in nothing but my underwear when it was hot, I'd ignore my kid asking for help with their homework because I'm watching MLP or Super Hero Time...it'd be a mess. Totally not worth it.
.

Yup. It would get pretty annoying after a while for me. As a person, I like my alone quiet time, which would be more difficult to have with a little kid running around. Plus, I plan to load up on weapons(mainly Medieval) when I get my own house. With kids, it's harder to just leave swords and bows in plain sight.

[ShiroiHikari]

<rant> I'm 28, married, and have no children. Being childless is not my choice, either. If it was entirely up to me I'd have had a kid by now. I ain't getting any younger. And I'm getting tired of EVERYONE I KNOW asking me when we're going to have kids. And I'm tired of everyone around me being pregnant and talking about parenting and posting baby pictures and all that nonsense. </rant>

I don't think couples are morally obligated to reproduce. If that was the case, it would be a sin to be physically incapable of reproduction, and that's obviously not true.

If married couples want to be childless, that's fine by me as long as they're not jerks about it. Some "childfree" couples are a-holes to people who do have kids, and that's not cool. Do whatever you want, but don't put people down because they don't make the same choices as you.

If people want to foster-to-adopt, that's awesome too. I have friends who have done that and while it definitely has some serious cons (kids with emotional trauma are not easy to deal with), it can really be rewarding too and is a great option if one or both partners is infertile. I would like to try this myself if doing it the traditional way doesn't work out within the next few years.

[ashfire]

A lot of people who say they hate children all seem to think that their children will be miniture versions of themselves. Well, let me break it to you, they're not.
CHILDREN ARE THEIR OWN UNIQUE PEOPLE WHO WILL GROW UP TO BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM YOU OR ANY OTHER PERSON THAT HAS EVER LIVED.
I'm no expert on children, but that I'm pretty sure of.
I want to have kids a lot ^_^ but not till I'm older.

One thing as a EMT. Children are not handle the same way as adults. They have to be treated in a differnt ways. Heart rates and breathing are different at different ages. Sometimes its hard for the EMT or Paramedic to learn what is wrong with a child because they may not communicate what is wrong and they will be afraid of someone that is not their parent.
Sometimes medical people have to be counseled if something goes wrong. It can be on a medic mind for a long time.

[Okami]

<rant> I'm 28, married, and have no children. Being childless is not my choice, either. If it was entirely up to me I'd have had a kid by now. I ain't getting any younger. And I'm getting tired of EVERYONE I KNOW asking me when we're going to have kids. And I'm tired of everyone around me being pregnant and talking about parenting and posting baby pictures and all that nonsense. </rant>

I know my mentor and her husband tried to have children for nine years before she finally became pregnant with triplets. We've conversed quite a bit on the subject; she was helping to relate to my feelings of isolation due to all of the couples and children and such around me in everyday life...she understands the feeling. It's difficult, beyond so, when everyone is constantly questioning and your friends around you are getting pregnant (and also in her case, her younger sister), and so forth. You are not alone.

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

I've never come across this couples not having children stigma. Infact, I've witnessed more the opposite. If you have children, you're selling your freedom and indepence (which in part is true) but what about the blessings?
The simple truth is that there are great couples out there who deserve children and can't have them and there are terrible couples out there who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children. Not everyone should have children (for everyone's sake).
What I don't appreciate are the demographics in churches. Much of the stuff seems catered to families, that's fine. The rest seems to cater to married people (or soon to be married people). What about everyone else? The single groups are few and far between and a complete joke (and rather patronising). I realise that's not intentional but that's how it rolls.

[Mouse2010]

<rant> I'm 28, married, and have no children. Being childless is not my choice, either. If it was entirely up to me I'd have had a kid by now. I ain't getting any younger. And I'm getting tired of EVERYONE I KNOW asking me when we're going to have kids. And I'm tired of everyone around me being pregnant and talking about parenting and posting baby pictures and all that nonsense. </rant>

This actually relates to something I've been thinking as I read through the whole thread. Most people in this thread have been talking about having children or not having children as if it were completely within an individual's power to choose. But it's not. First, it's not within an individual's power to choose because it's a decision couples have to make as a couple. It's good to be aware of whether or not you'll want children before you marry, because it might affect your choice of spouse, but don't forget that if you do marry, the decision becomes a joint one! (For all of you who say you don't want kids: what will you do if you fall head over heels in love with someone who longs to be a stay at home parent? Or those who want to adopt: what if your spouse is uncomfortable with adoption? Some people are, unfortunately.)

Second, it's not entirely within a couple's power to choose because no one gets to control circumstances like health, finances, etc. You might want children but realize that you can't afford them. You might NOT have wanted children, and then get to a point when your life is so rich that you want to share it with others.

Thirdly, it's not entirely within a couple's power to choose, because not even sterilization is 100% reliable as a means of birth control. Some people who don't plan on a pregnancy end up with one anyway. It may only be 1 out of 1,000, but it still happens. If you want to be in a sexual relationship, you have to accept that doing so means you might end up a parent, no matter how much you hate kids.

Finally, as Shiroi Hikari's post suggests, it's not entirely within a couple's power to choose whether or not to have children because some 20% of couples who are trying to conceive have trouble doing so. The idea that reproduction is something you can just switch on at will if you think the time is right is false. For some people, it really is that easy]is[/I] true that reproduction can't always be controlled as much as we'd like. Just something to keep in mind whether you think you want children or not.

[Yuki-Anne]

My heart hurts for people who want kids and can't have them. My aunt is one of them, and now she and her husband are too old to adopt.

[ADXC]

@ Mouse- Amen. I'm glad someone brought all of that up.

[steenajack]

Alright, here's my opinion on this. Different people are called to different things. Some were called to have children, and others were not. I myself to want to marry and have children one day, and I also want to adopt (Believe it or not, Kung Fu Panda 2 actually kinda made it official for me that I do want to adopt one day.) I understand if people don't have a desire to have children or marry, or simply just cant due to circumstances. I respect that we're not all the same, although I do feel sad for the people who want to but can't. I fully do support adopting kids though. I believe that's a very loving thing to do.
I second everything that TWWK says, kinda based on expiereinces I've witnessed. I've heard parents say very similar things....and I can't help but feel a sense of longing to experience that sort of love one day. What can I say, I'm a lover, and I love to ust love on people. Not saying that single people can't do that, I'm just saying that's something I love to do.
It just so happens that I'm one of those people that dreams of having a family one day, and loves to love others.
Now, here is what I cannot stand: When people say that the only reason they don't want kids is because THEY HATE KIDS.
I'm sorry....but to me that's just wrong. And to be honest, I don't think people who say that really do hate kids. They hate the "trouble" or the "inconvenience" or "hardness" of it. Which is more understandable to me, but seriously: You're saying you hate a human being. Doesn't God call us to love one another, despite age? I mean, remember that one passage in the Bible about when the children all wanted to come to Jesus, and the deciples (sp?) turned them away? But then Jesus was like, "No let the children come," then He went on to say how we must become like little children in our hearts. (As in receiving God with the innocence of a child if that makes any sense.) So in other words, children are God's beautiful creations and are human beings. They may be young and inexperienced, and may even be downright annoying. Still does that mean we don't love them? Does that mean we treat them like they don't matter? No one would do that to an adult....at least most people wouldn't.
And you know what else? If someone were to say "I hate teenagers," or "I hate adults," most would probably think that there was something wrong with that person, or "What on earth has this person experienced to say something like that?" But when someone says "I hate children," our society tends to think that's normal. I mean c'mon, we are all human beings. It doesn't matter how small or young or old, we all were created by the same God and all deserve a chance at life, and were all created to love and be loved. I'm sorry if I sound like a hyper little conservative here....I've been around kids a lot and know from experience that they do not deserve to be hated.

Also, very interesting point Mouse. I never thought of it that way. Really puts things in perspective.

[teigeki_calesa]

Now, here is what I cannot stand: When people say that the only reason they don't want kids is because THEY HATE KIDS.
I'm sorry....but to me that's just wrong. And to be honest, I don't think people who say that really do hate kids. They hate the "trouble" or the "inconvenience" or "hardness" of it. Which is more understandable to me, but seriously: You're saying you hate a human being. Doesn't God call us to love one another, despite age? I mean, remember that one passage in the Bible about when the children all wanted to come to Jesus, and the deciples (sp?) turned them away? But then Jesus was like, "No let the children come," then He went on to say how we must become like little children in our hearts. (As in receiving God with the innocence of a child if that makes any sense.) So in other words, children are God's beautiful creations and are human beings. They may be young and inexperienced, and may even be downright annoying. Still does that mean we don't love them? Does that mean we treat them like they don't matter? No one would do that to an adult....at least most people wouldn't.
And you know what else? If someone were to say "I hate teenagers," or "I hate adults," most would probably think that there was something wrong with that person, or "What on earth has this person experienced to say something like that?" But when someone says "I hate children," our society tends to think that's normal. I mean c'mon, we are all human beings. It doesn't matter how small or young or old, we all were created by the same God and all deserve a chance at life, and were all created to love and be loved. I'm sorry if I sound like a hyper little conservative here....I've been around kids a lot and know from experience that they do not deserve to be hated.

THIS.

Honestly, all the misopedia (child hating) in this thread has been bothering me, and steenajack summed it all up. It's as if children are seen as sub-human and not deserving of any form of human dignity.

But I do know how the people who are pressured to have kids feel. I mean, here in the Philippines, the "institution" of the family is as sacred as the Catholic faith itself; that it's almost like an obligation for any woman of marriageable age to marry and have kids. When I tell them that I want to prioritize my career first, the people here tell me almost patronizingly that I just "haven't found the one" just yet, and I need someone to take care of me when I'm old...not to mention that they take my unwillingness for marriage as a sign that I'm an adult child that refuses to grow up, aside from watching cartoons. I definitely do NOT hate kids, and I don't mind the idea of marriage, but I'm just not yet ready for it. And I don't want to saddle my future kids with the responsibility of caring for the elderly, no matter how much it is embedded in our culture.