Story Sample

[Lynna]

I haven't posted my story here yet because...well, I'm just really scared of people stealing my story, not that I'm afraid of anyone here stealing it! but... yeah. So, I'm posting the first chapter. Please critic as much as ou like. I want to get as much out of this as possible
This story is set in the fantasy world of Valavia
Chapter I
Aria and Cora
The Moon shone it’s brightest over the ancient land of Valavia sky, trying hard to let its light fill the darkness. But alas, it could not. For only the sun could do that.
Far down below, surrounded by a beautiful city, a seven-towered castle shimmered in the silver light. In a small room at the base of the castle, a girl drifted out of her sleep and allowed her gaze to pass over the moon. “Silly moonâ€

[TWWK]

Hey Lynna, I only read the first part of your chapter, but there are definitely some good things about it. I especially enjoyed this line:

The words repeated themselves in her head, lulling her into a deep sleep. And as she slept, she dreamed…

Of course, every piece of works needs revision. One major thing I noticed is this - the chapter doesn't seem like much of an introduction. Everything is happening way too fast...it would be good if you dwelt longer on the scenes. More characterization would also be great (What do the characters look like? What are they thinking? Would this be a good time to discuss background some?).

Regarding lower concerns, you need to particularly focus on working with dialogue. Below is a sample from your chapter, and below that is a correction.

“Silly moon” she murmured “Why are you trying to shine like the sun? No one can shine like you can”

“Silly moon,” she murmured. “Why are you trying to shine like the sun? No one can shine like you can.”

Keep up the good work!

[Lynna]

Thanks ^_^ And I know I need to work on the beggining. I used to have a prologue, but then it explained things Too Much, and it became too easy for people to guess what's coming next