I feel absolutely NO motivation to work on school stuff. And it's been this way for several weeks. I mean, I've done the "small" homework assignments for my classes and have done well on my exams so far --it's just that I'm struggling to complete the stuff for my In Progress class from the spring semester.
I still have a fairly simple Excel assignment to complete, but also a Literature Review (a simpler draft than I would use for my formal thesis) and a General/Specific problem paper about my thesis topic. Add to that the stuff my Committee Chair has given me to work on (stuff that I emailed him 2 weeks ago for clarification and have yet to hear back about), and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed makes me not want to work on any of it at all --which, as you can see, won't get me anywhere good.
Sometimes I am tempted to just throw in the towel and quit grad school. So much pressure to perform. So many things at once to keep track of.
But then I remember why I'm in this program and want to get my degree, and then I find that I must continue --I cannot quit now. I just wish I still had a tactile reminder of my goal so I can remember more easily when things get tough --but I lost my necklace in the move.
One of my friends got a music note tattoo to remind her to keep going in her Music Therapy program. A tattoo would certainly not be something I would misplace. I've been thinking about getting one for a good while, but haven't yet been able to gather the resolve to get one, fear of needles/pain being a huge hurdle. Also, there is the question of what to get --something small and coverable, but also recognizeable. And not something like a cow, tractor, or a boot. I'm not in this program to help or work with any of those --I'm in it to help people. I've just fallen so much in love with the people that are in agriculture --and there is a dreadful lack of services available in rural communities. I want to help them get what they need to continue doing what they love.
I don't know...I just need to get my motivation back somehow. This lack of it lately has been very disconcerting. I'm gonna get myself kicked out of the program if I don't get my stuff together and "get 'r done" as they say in my department. I have to get myself out of this funk. Somebody give me a kick in the pants.
Also, my last drug trial for my migraines/headaches failed. This was the 6th medication that failed. And this last one and the one before really jacked with me mentally and emotionally. Like I started having suicidal thoughts and stuff. And having a REALLY hard time processing things mentally. Well, now I've been started on a new medication which, thankfully isn't another anti-seizure medication --it's in the same family as Ibuprofen. I'm just hoping and praying that this one will help.
Also please pray for my referral to a specialist in Houston --my neurologist thinks that I may have a mitochondrial disorder and wants me to see this specialist. But my referral sat in my primary care doctor's office for 2 months before it finally got sent out. I'm really hoping/praying that I can get in. Knowing what my disability actually is would help my treatment team to find ways to help me in daily life better.
But, I DO have some good news! My retired service dog, Pebbles, is spending the weekend with me! She's gained 10 pounds since I saw her last, but she's doing great and is very happy! It is such a blessing to get to spend time with her --I've missed her so much since she retired from service in April. She's still the same goofy, sweet Labradork that I remember!
We have a fun weekend planned!
