Having some difficulty

[Arbre]

Until very recently, I had been a very "active" member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the "Mormon" church).
I've thought a lot about things recently, and I've found that I absolutely cannot view some things I was taught there as right. I'm not going into what those beliefs are because this isn't the place for it, and honestly, I'm still trying to put things together.

The challenge now isn't so much refocusing my life on where it should be, on Jesus, but of trying to get out of that church.

My family has been very, very involved in that church for generations. My immediate family has been very "active" since I was born. I've been raised in that church, and taught that it was true. I've been in class presidencies, given talks (mini-sermons) in church on various occasions, and I've played the piano almost every Sunday since I was like 13 or 14. I attended seminary almost every single morning at 6:20am during my high school years. I knew the Book of Mormon well. I knew Mormon doctrine well. I knew all the children's songs and the majority fo the hymns in the hymn book. I planned to go to BYU. Actually, my parents think I still want to.

And there's the problem.

My parents dont' know I don't believe in that church anymore.

The belief in that church is that it is the only true church on Earth... so when they find out that I want to leave it, they will be extremely worried over my eternal welfare.

I'm expected to grow up with faith in that church, marry some nice Mormon guy in a temple, and raise a family who will follow the same pattern.

That's not going to happen. And I'm afraid of how my parents will take this.

There's been conflict between me and my parents recently, mostly because of me wanting more independence than they want to allow me. I'm at fault for handling situations badly, I know that. Right now, the relationship with my parents is less than good. I love them, but I don't always show it. I've seriously disagreed with them on things. And now this... To them, this will be like the ultimate form of betrayal to their teachings and good intentions for me.

I have a terrible habit of not telling my parents things for fear of hurting them or of them being severely disappointed in me. And I'm often not allowed to forget major mistakes (nothing that involves my safety, don't worry). They don't forget my mistakes as quickly as I'd like. Such is life, though.

They will most likely view this as the biggest mistake of my life, at least initially. I'm hoping that they can realize what I did about that church...

I guess... I'm asking for help in knowing how to tell them.

I have to go to church with them every week, and to major meetings. To not would be to attract a lot of attention, because that's so uncharacteristic of me. People would notice. I don't want to go, though... I want to find a Christian church in the area. But I can't. I'm expected to go to church with my family, like I'm expected to go to school, or expected to marry in a temple. I'm just... expected to.

I can be okay with losing my reputation there (if someone leaves, it's assumed that they sinned, usually in some major way, and thus lost their faith. Actually, questioning anything the church leaders say is considered a sin.), but I don't want to tear my family apart or hurt my parents. There will be hurt, but I want to minimize it as much as possible.

One Mormon friend already knows I don't believe in that church anymore. He's not local, though. His reaction? "You're making the biggest mistake of your life." And he hopes I'm happy now because I'm going to not be once this life is over.

I know what people will think, because I was part of that church, too. I've seen people leave (for various reasons), and I've seen how they're viewed. I have a fair idea of how my parents will react because I've seen other parents react to their children leaving.

I don't know what to do. But I feel dishonest going to a religion's church services that I dont' believe in. I'm not able to move out of the house yet for financial reasons.

I have another thing I need to tell them, too. I have yet to tell them about my boyfriend ("Vyse" here at CAA =) ). He's not Mormon, so this is related to the religion issue.

I can downplay the seriousness of my doubts of that church and also not tell them I have a non-Mormon boyfriend (so, we couldn't marry in a temple like is required for the highest form of Heaven according to that doctrine).

Or, I can tell them flat out that I can't believe in that church anymore and explain all the reasons I've found and be prepared for them trying to convince me that I'm making the worst kind of mistake in my life. And then, to make it even more serious to them, I tell them I'm dating someone who will not convert to Mormonism and so if we marry, it couldn't be in a temple. That's like showing them that I'm not going back to that church.

A little help?

Edit: Okay... summary:
I used to be extremely involved in the "Mormon" church. From all appearances now, I still am. Even though I can't believe in it anymore. I've found far too many inconsistencies.
I need to tell my family, but I KNOW that when I do, they will be extremely hurt, especially my mom. There's so much worrying her right now that I'm afraid to add this to it. I want to do this gently, but firmly.
But I can't hold out much longer. Every day, it gets worse. I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel extreme guilt over trying to make it seem like everything is all good at church. But it's not. I'm so afraid that I'll be asked to do something like share my testimony in Sacrament meeting (and say how I believe that church is true). Even taking the bread and water with the congregation... I'm afraid to do that... It's dishonest to join in... I've had various excuses to get out of that part of the meeting the last few weeks, including trying to make myself feel sick enough not to go. But I am EXPECTED to be there. And not taking the sacrament? My mom would notice and ask. The only real reasons for not taking the sacrament that I've heard are usually dealing with immorality... I don't want that kind of impression. Because I'm not into that at all... I want out of that church. =/ And to do that, I have to tell my parents.
I need help... Advice would be good...
Maybe I can just tell them about Vyse later... But it could be easier to hear two different bits (even though this isn't small) of "bad news" at once. Even though I view Vyse and realizing that church isn't what I need as almost positively the best things in my life, this is probably my parents' worst fear regarding me. Having doubts about the church? VERY serious and sure to cause many nights of tears. Dating someone who couldn't marry me in a temple? There goes my eternal salvation (in their belief).
I don't even know how to handle this.

[Vyse]

You know I'm here for you no matter what, I'm so greatful to God for you and for Him working though me to being you to Jesus, I'll be praying for you and I'll never ever leave you no matter what, I promise. I wish I could find more to say right now... but you know how much I care about you and how much I'm behind you.

[CDLviking]

I know how difficult it can be to leave the mormon church (I wasn't mormon, but I come from a very mormon town), so you will definitely be in my prayers. I had a hard time telling my dad that I was entering the priesthood because my dad is an athiest, but when I actually did tell him I found out that he already suspected that something was up. I doubt that it will go that easily with your parents, but I also think that they probably already know that you're having doubts. I'm not sure if there's any way to keep them from being hurt by this, but Jesus did say that following him would cause division amongst families. I hope your parents can understand you in this decision. Also remember that you still have an obligation to honor your parents, they can't make you act against your conscience, but you still have to treat them with respect.

[Arbre]

I know how difficult it can be to leave the mormon church (I wasn't mormon, but I come from a very mormon town), so you will definitely be in my prayers. I had a hard time telling my dad that I was entering the priesthood because my dad is an athiest, but when I actually did tell him I found out that he already suspected that something was up. I doubt that it will go that easily with your parents, but I also think that they probably already know that you're having doubts. I'm not sure if there's any way to keep them from being hurt by this, but Jesus did say that following him would cause division amongst families. I hope your parents can understand you in this decision. Also remember that you still have an obligation to honor your parents, they can't make you act against your conscience, but you still have to treat them with respect.

Thank you very much.

I doubt my dad knows. My family's moving, and he had to start work there before the rest of us can move there with him (we're waiting for the end of the school year). All of these doubts with that church started like a month ago, just before he left for work.

My mom has noticed, I think. I've been late to church a couple of times just so I could miss Sacrament meeting (I still have to be there later because I play piano for the children's singing time). She told me several times tonight that she expects me there on time tomorrow. =/

[alf4office]

I don't think you should tell them till you're out of the house. In fact, unless you're going to try to convert them I don't think you need to tell them. While telling them may free you from the bruden of living a lie, it will rip your family apart. It won't only affect your parents, but also your siblings. If you're planning on telling them you have to understand that your siblings will see you as a sinner who's going to hell. And I do believe your parents have every right to kick you out of the house. I say, until you're able to live without your families support you can't tell them, because once you do I doubt they'll be offering you much support.

[Vyse]

I don't think you should tell them till you're out of the house. In fact, unless you're going to try to convert them I don't think you need to tell them. While telling them may free you from the bruden of living a lie, it will rip your family apart. It won't only affect your parents, but also your siblings. If you're planning on telling them you have to understand that your siblings will see you as a sinner who's going to hell. And I do believe your parents have every right to kick you out of the house. I say, until you're able to live without your families support you can't tell them, because once you do I doubt they'll be offering you much support.

Yes Alf... I have totally agree, I've read stories before where mormon childern over 18 have been kicked out of the house just because they became Christian, and I know you probley wouldn't think your parents will do that, but I'm also sure that the people who were kicked it didn't think that either....

[Aka-chan]

I'm really bad at giving advice, so I won't even try, but I will be praying for you.

[shooraijin]

My mother did a lot with Mormons who would come to visit and gave them a number of things to consider, which surprisingly, a lot of rank-and-file Mormons didn't know about their avowed church (and this actually netted us a visit from a bishop, presumably since people were asking a lot of questions that alarmed him). From them, we could see just how hard leaving the church can be and how much effort goes into pulling people back in.

I'm not sure what to say about telling your parents, though. I'll keep it all in prayer.

[Roll]

I'll be praying for you as well. In the meantime, the best thing you can do about your conflicting thoughts is to turn to Christ in prayer and read the Holy Bible. If you follow God's will, you can't go wrong. If you do discuss it with your parents, it may help to ensure them that you're still dedicated to God. If there's anything else we can do to help, just let us know!

[Vyse]

I'll be praying for you as well. In the meantime, the best thing you can do about your conflicting thoughts is to turn to Christ in prayer and read the Holy Bible. If you follow God's will, you can't go wrong. If you do discuss it with your parents, it may help to ensure them that you're still dedicated to God. If there's anything else we can do to help, just let us know!

Well thats just it, they belive in a different God then the one thats in the Bible, the One we belie on, they belive that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirt are 3 different Gods, in fact they also belive that God the Father was once a man on a different planet who became God by essiently following mormonism under a different god, they also belive that the mormon churuch is the only true church and that other churchs are sinfun and an abomnation to God. They also belive that salavtion though faith is making a mochry is Christ scarfice. In fact they belie that Jesus is the spirt brother of satan. They also belive that if people are "good mormons" and get married in a temple, they can go to the highest level of Heaven and become gods... All of which are very very wrong, This is not a Christian religion... this is a cult started by the con-man, Joseph Smith.

[Saint]

I will pray for you as well Arbre.

[Omega Amen]

Arbre and Vyse,

After reading both of your posts here at the CAA... and especially your open and honest post here, Arbre, this eerily reminds me of what my parents went through (and in a sense, still going through) since before I was born.

Let me be clear of a few differences between your situation and what my parents dealt with for over 20 years.

My family (my parents and I) never were Mormons or ever dealt with Mormonism in anyway. There were two major causes for the never-ending tension in my parents case: my father leaving a Christian domination (a well known one with a long and respected history), and my mother (being Chinese) deciding to become a Christian (viewed negatively by some people of Far East countries as a tool/reminder/poison of unjust western imperialism) and marrying a white Christian man, my father.

I wish I could go into details of my parents' experience to show my sympathy for you two, but I cannot since I do not have their permission yet, and it will sound like I am bashing everybody else who is close to my family... even though that is not actually the case (and I do not want sound like I am bashing them).

However, I can say this. Because of my parents' religious and marital decisions, I have seen and still see one of the most beautiful and strongest Christian marriages unfold before my eyes. However, I also saw everlasting tension and attempts to break them apart, slander them, and hurt them and their faith from people who are close to them... and this still has not ended.

As a note to others, in my parents' situation, remember this turmoil had nothing to do with Mormonism. In fact, it dealt with simply leaving a respected Christian domination and racial/culturual issues, thus this can happen to anyone else in the CAA... I know because I had a front row seat to such events for over 20 years... as a son.

Back to your situation, Arbre and Vyse, I am pretty sure your result will not be as straining since I am guessing Vyse has a network of friends to rely on (my parents were on their own, for the most part).

Some advice, Arbre. I suggest you immediately and quickly establish a network of friends you can rely for support. You might think you can set the time to admit to your parents... but they might confront you first.

Vyse, for you, be prepared to have your Christian patience tested to the limits... and if your story becomes like my parents'... it will be a long time. If Arbre's parents are very unhappy with what she has decided on, you will become a target: "the man who stole my daughter away." I am praying you will not have to go through with what my parents went through.

For the long-term, regardless of how this might turn out, I also suggest you two do the following. You must still respect her parents, even if they may not return that respect. For example, if her parents become seriously ill, you both must attend to them and take care of them with love. This is the toughest part. You must continue to show them the love that Christ shows us, even if they do not care, and you must try to continue relations with them, even if feels like going through a gauntlet.

Sorry for the long post, but your situation really touches my faith in a very deep way. What my parents went through is central to my faith and my belief. I felt it was my duty to warn you and everyone else on how bad this can turn out. I will pray that your situation will be less tense and dramatic than what my parents went through. You have my prayers and full support.

[CDLviking]

Borrowing a bit from OA, Arbre, I think it would be very good for you to find some Christian friends who can support you. That way, if things do go poorly, you will have a support system to help you.

[Vyse]

Thanks Omega... I think the main problem here is that Arbre and I are a few states away from each other, and well I do have some what of a network of friends, I hardly have any locally. My mom already said that we couldn't give her a place to stay if she was kicked out or had to leave... if she gets to know her... I think that might change, BUT, I think one of my aunts might let her stay at their house(they are like 45 minutes away from me), no I haven't talked to them about it yet, but they are more how should I say... hospitable, they also have more room for guests, I really hope they would give her a place to stay till she can get on her feet

I really do wish I could give Arbre financial support, all I get is 20 dollars a week from my parents, the only things I've ever gotten her are phone cards... I want to do more for her, I want her to be safe, I want to protect her. I just feel so useless when it comes to things like this. Orignally Arbree and I had planned on her getting a job after this semister and earning enough money to move to an apratment down where I am and start fresh here. But with the pressure she is faceing... I dont know how much longer she can hold up. I love her, I want to be able to comfort here.... I want to do more

And also, yes I realize I'll probley be marked as "the man who took away their daughter" but as long as she's comfortable and happy, they can call me whatever they want.

[ice122985]

vyse and arbre- i'll pray for you guys. May God give you guys strentgth for the upcoming trials...

[wiggins]

I'll pray for you too.

[Ingemar]

Vyse,

You are not helping anyone by subverting the authority of these parents. You will only cause pain and strife and resentment that will lead nowhere. Instead, be supportive of Arbre (sp?) and simultaneously respectful of this person's parents. The kind of relationship you want with her is at the cost of two good relationships she already has (with the parents).

Things are already hard now. Why make things intolerable?

[Vyse]

Vyse,

You are not helping anyone by subverting the authority of these parents. You will only cause pain and strife and resentment that will lead nowhere. Instead, be supportive of Arbre (sp?) and simultaneously respectful of this person's parents. The kind of relationship you want with her is at the cost of two good relationships she already has (with the parents).

Things are already hard now. Why make things intolerable?

A relationship with Jesus will not lead no where, it will only need to peace and happiness, the mormon relgion however, is causing pain and suffering, would you like to see more examples of the pain and suffering its causing? I mean I know your having your doubts about Christianty, but that doesn't mean you should go around promoting that trying to help someone out of a non-christian enviorment is meaningless.

And Arbre is an adult, not a child, she has authority over what she does and belives in, not her parents. And frankly you don't know what kind of realtionship she has with her parents.

[shooraijin]

*blows whistle*

Let's let it happen as things need to. It's not a solution that can be crafted easily.

[Vyse]

*blows whistle*

Let's let it happen as things need to. It's not a solution that can be crafted easily.

Yes I agree, this is by no means easy, but when you love someone, its hard to standby and do nothing.

[alf4office]

Vyse,

You are not helping anyone by subverting the authority of these parents. You will only cause pain and strife and resentment that will lead nowhere. Instead, be supportive of Arbre (sp?) and simultaneously respectful of this person's parents. The kind of relationship you want with her is at the cost of two good relationships she already has (with the parents).

Things are already hard now. Why make things intolerable?

I really don't think you know what you're talking about. The kind of relationship Vyse wants is one where Arbre doesn't have to live as a Christian in secret. Time after time Vyse has proven his devotion to Arbre well being and suggesting that his motives are selfish is extermely lame. He is trying to lift the burden of an over bearing Mormon cult weighing down on her, not steal Arbre away from her parent's so he can have his gf nearby. By your logic, introducing Arbre to Christianity would be a subversion of her parents authority. Until you know the person you're accusing, you really shouldn't be accusing them at all.

[shooraijin]

Hey, folks, second warning: no more on that particular topic, please. This is the prayer room -- keep it that way.

[Roll]

Well thats just it, they belive in a different God then the one thats in the Bible, the One we belie on, they belive that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirt are 3 different Gods, in fact they also belive that God the Father was once a man on a different planet who became God by essiently following mormonism under a different god, they also belive that the mormon churuch is the only true church and that other churchs are sinfun and an abomnation to God. They also belive that salavtion though faith is making a mochry is Christ scarfice. In fact they belie that Jesus is the spirt brother of satan. They also belive that if people are "good mormons" and get married in a temple, they can go to the highest level of Heaven and become gods... All of which are very very wrong, This is not a Christian religion... this is a cult started by the con-man, Joseph Smith.

ACK!! I had no idea it represented all that! Whew, that does make it a lot more difficult. Keep seeking guidance from Christ about this situation, and I'll keep praying.

[Saint Kevin]

I guess the only advice I could give you is to come to a better understanding of your own faith, and a better understanding of precisely why you are leaving LDS. Some books I could recommend personally are: "The Case for Christ" and "The Case for Faith," both by Lee Strobel. I have also heard that "Reasoning with Mormons from the Scriptures" is also good, but I have not read it yet, and I don't remember the author.

I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Vyse]

Btw, I would like to think everyone that offered pray support and positive advice so far, it means so much to Arbre and me.

I guess the only advice I could give you is to come to a better understanding of your own faith, and a better understanding of precisely why you are leaving LDS. Some books I could recommend personally are: "The Case for Christ" and "The Case for Faith," both by Lee Strobel. I have also heard that "Reasoning with Mormons from the Scriptures" is also good, but I have not read it yet, and I don't remember the author.

I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers.

Since she's at class right now, please allow me to speak on her be half, when I started learning about the bad things in Mormonism, I tried to share some of the sites that I learned these things from. Here are the sites

http://www.carm.org/mormon.htm

http://www.irr.org/mit/stories.html

But after she became a Christian and accept the true Jesus Christ as her savior she started reading this info on her own, she's really realizing how wrong everything they tought was... whenever and issue comes up, I look up a verse in the Bible that talks about what she has a question about and share it with Arbre, which I really think helps a lot. I wish I could do more to help her, but for the moment, I'm doing all I can.

[Rogie]

Wow, this is the first time I've actually found out what the mormons believe. In my area, I don't even think it's an issue, so I'm finding out now.

I'll be praying.