Fuman

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Fuman

Postby rsnumber2 » Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:25 pm

I've been a bit stressed out lately so I thought I'd take a stab writing out my aggressions. It's my first story I have written in 20 years, so be easy...
:brow:
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The hot water from the shower soothed his aching back. It was in sharp contrast to what he had been involved in earlier that day. He still felt the ringing in his ears from the large caliber rifle his suit used. His body was tired from fighting Altus’s controls. But that’s not why he was really tired. Work seemed to be his escape…

The military being privatized several years back had made many industrialists quite wealthy. If one could land a job running one, they’d be set for life, as well as their children’s children. Getting there, however, was a different task. Roniyoshi thought he had it made as a child. His father was a legendary solider that worked his way from the battlefield all the way up into his now comfy position as the head of Shirlegeta Heavy Industries. Many of the head of competing companies built essentially junk machines. Built quickly and poorly, for a quick profit. Due to Roniyuki’s experience in the field, the Shilegeta mobile suits were designed differently. Although quite effective on the battlefield, they relied on tried and true technology. Built at a slower pace, the suits were also matched up with the right pilots, and then further tuned to match their neural input for the fastest response times. In their time in service they posted impressive kill ratios. But these new enemies were, different…

As he sat in the shower letting the water cover him like a warm blanket, his mind ruminated over today’s fight. He had tried to spare the live rounds, due to their expense. He had only resorted to close combat as the enemy closed the distance between them. Sacrificing an arm in order to save the small village seemed like an appropriate action. Only 20 percent of the reactor core’s energy had been used, why was he given such a harsh dismissal after the debriefing? After such a successful “removal,” why was he still questioned about his tactics? As he had gotten home, he looked for solace in his wife, only to be brushed aside for the regular family affairs. His young son, knowing nothing of what his father did, sat playing with the large collection of toys in the family den. Dinner was good as always, but just as many dinners before; the only conversation of the evening was their only son’s laughter and refusal to eat. Feeling as lonely now as he did in the transport to the launch site earlier that day, he slipped into the shower to get away, even for just a little while. The hot water seemed to be the only thing that soothed what really ached. His want of a “comfortable” life. Roniyoshi was working his way up through the ranks, just as his father did. Although wealthy, he father felt that one only be given what one needs, then the can earn what they want. It was a good philosophy. Roniyoshi appreciated everything he had. He put a lot of effort into everything he did. He was always ready to sacrifice in order that someone’s life is a little easier. But, he also wanted a little bit of a break. The little green monster of jealousy would occasionally rear its ugly head. Seeing the wealth and privilege his parents lived, sometimes would make his meager life seem so bland. He had a nice house, he had a company car, and his child had a mother that stayed at home to care for him, and he had every toy his heart desired. But, occasionally, Roniyoshi wanted to do something for himself. To him splurging meant spending 400 yen on a copy of a used modeling magazine. In fact, most of his “high-line” luxury items were either ten years old, from his school days, or gracious gifts from friends and relatives. He was appreciative of everything he had; he just wished he could do it himself. For a man to put his life on the line day in, and day out, this was not what he had in mind of his direction in life. He imagined that the hot water was melting away the worries of the day, and washing it down the drain, into a void that it would not return. He reached up and reluctantly turned the valve off. He knew that he had to conserve energy, he didn’t know if his salary would cover his bills again this month or not. As he slipped out of the shower, the cool night air greeted him, sending a shiver down his spine. They kept the heat in the house low in order to save energy as well.

That night he poured over the days happenings again and again. Maybe if he would have requested more close range weapons this time. What if he had been able to suppress the enemy a little further out? What if… What if… What if… Like a broken audio player, his mind kept asking the same question over and over again. He knew his father would take the damages out of his bonus fund at the end of the year. He couldn’t do anything about that now, but the question still kept plaguing his mind until he finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.

The next morning he slowly dragged himself out of bed. And got ready like he does every morning. The house was still quiet as he grabbed a pre-made breakfast on his way out the door. “What changed?” He asked himself. He remembered when his son would come running to the bed in the morning and snuggle between himself and his wife. They would all chat, giggle, and tickle each other as they slowly greeted the morning sun. But now Roniyoshi found himself sneaking out earlier and earlier trying not to wake anyone.

The base was busy that morning. A new unit was to be readied for shipment that evening, and it was Roniyoshi’s job that day to finish matching the pilot to his new mobile suit. The pilot was an outstanding cadet from the high plains zone. He quickly matched himself to the operating system that day. The agility test went well. The live round test went as planned. All that was left was to get a few signatures and send him on his way. Just as he handed him the signature pad, the alert siren sounded. Roniyoshi thanked the pilot for the business and ran to the transport briefing area. Another Wraith class mechanoid had been spotted nearby. The Wraith class, although deadly, was more of a scout than anything else. It was strange that it was by itself, but not highly unusual. Six heavy rounds, and the Heat Sabre were loaded into the weapon pod and at Altus’s side when he got there.

Three. Two. One. Launch. The pit of his stomach sunk. Although he was a skilled pilot, there was always the chance of not coming back. His faith kept him from worrying too much about it. But still, the thought was there. The huge mobile suit left the rail guide perfectly. Self sustained flight was something not yet achieved, but the was being tested. Altus landed hard, with the weapon pod landing nearby, just as planned. The large humanoid figure stood tall with the sun behind it. The white armor with red vents and large green eyes looked more like an ancient Samurai suit than a military weapon. In contrast the Wraith class enemy was deep black, with a purple reflection. It had a more organic look, with long slender arms, and the odd looking “eye” in the center of its globular form. It wasn’t an eye, but it’s power source, whatever it was. Most of these things didn’t leave much debris behind when they were felled. So very little of the enemy’s mechanics were known. What was know was that 15 years ago, they appeared out of nowhere only to destroy cities and “reap” humans by the thousands. It was still unsure what they wanted with humans. In fact all we knew was that they were to be dispatched of.

Roniyoshi reached into the weapon pod and quickly removed the rifle. Taking aim, he knew he only had one shot before he gave away his position. Hovering over the countryside, the Wraith seemed to be an easy target. Slow down, Roniyoshi told himself. Slow down… He tracked it for about 900 yards, and the slowly squeezed the trigger of the control grip. A loud explosion came from his right. With his ears ringing, he watched the monitor to see if his round was on target. The round, actually the size a small car, flew through the air, punching holes in the low-lying clouds. Crap! Roniyoshi yelled, as it clipped the wraiths shoulder. It turned to him and fired its beam round at him. Altus jumped toward the weapon pod and grabbed, Heat Sabre and headed for the projected impact zone….

To be continued.
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Postby Esoteric » Tue Sep 04, 2007 8:22 am

Not bad, not bad... I like the set up. Maybe a little to expository in places, but I like general progression of thoughts and action. Something bad is going to happen...I just know it! *waits for more*

p.s. Thanks for signing my guestbook! I hope things with goufy shumi are going well for you.
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Postby rsnumber2 » Tue Sep 04, 2007 11:37 am

Things are actually going quite well. That's what has caused much of my absence here.. (Someone liked it so much, they gave me free hosting! ^^)

Thanks for the compliments. (looks up the definition of expository...)

Oh, well, yes. When I was thinking about the setup, I was really concerned about the character development. I may have gone a little overboard. Shusaku Endo has been my reading addiction lately, so I was really wanted to get a good feel for the main characters, as well as the world stage. I plan on maybe making it a regular feature at Goufy Shumi... maybe. It's also a bit more "super robot-ish" than I had planned on, but I just wrote what came to me. I plan on it being about internal/external, physical/mental, and worldly/spiritual struggles. Part witness, part therapy, part giant robot. Thanks for the input. I'll try to work out the pacing, and maybe reveal a little bit less, at least not all at once, like this. I'll try not to let you down! Your comment was quite a confidence booster, considering I haven't written in so long!

Thanks again!
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Postby Esoteric » Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:10 pm

I think I should have explained what expository areas I meant. The details about the industrial situation are good...you keep it within interest, adding background without going crazy. I was actually referring to stuff like this...
Roniyoshi appreciated everything he had. He put a lot of effort into everything he did. He was always ready to sacrifice in order that someone’s life is a little easier. But, he also wanted a little bit of a break.

This sort of exposition about how a character thinks leans away from the "show, don't tell" principle. The idea is this: it's much more interesting to discover that Roniyoshi puts effort into everything and sacrifices, by watching his interactions with people, than to simply be told how he feels by the narrator. Does that make sense? Like I said before, you've done an excellent job for so little practice and the flow is good. Just be mindful of showing vs. telling when it comes to emotions and feelings. Whenever possible, 'show'.
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Postby ~darkelfgirl~ » Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:34 pm

Cool. A mobile-suit story^^

Very descriptive...

I'm looking forward to more, hehe!
[color=purple][font=Tahoma][color=royalblue]"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."--[/color]Isaiah 40:31
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Postby rsnumber2 » Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:35 pm

Ah ha! Ok. Done. I'll try to cut back a little. Good advice, thanks!
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