Um..some help, please?

[Sayuri]

I was thinking of starting a story like this:

There was he hated most in this world. Boredom, heat, Mondays, and odd numbers. All of which seemed to compile into one day. At least someone up there has a sense of humor.

Boredom nagged at him like an ingrown toenail. He leaned casually against the wall of building that used to be a train station that had burned down almost a century ago. The sun relentlessly shined down upon his pale skin, burning him with its rays of heat. How he hated summer time. The word Monday kept informed him that he should have stayed in bed today. But being the idiot that he was, he took the risk of sunburn, boredom, and walking down Third Street...on a Monday. He should have ignored his hunger pains .He wondered why even bothered to go to work today.

He inhaled the toasted air to sigh. Luckily he had managed to pick his clothing with some intelligence. A white t-shirt was worn loosely over a pair of faded blue jeans, along with comfortable black tennis shoes. Today he wore his onyx locks in a disarray on top of his head and slightly in his red orbs.
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But I don't know if I should....

[~darkelfgirl~]

You can start it like that--the sudden intro really makes it interesting (sudden intros rule!).
There's some grammar mistakes though, but it the story makes me curious. Give it a try if you want--seems Ok to me ^^.

[Esoteric]

Greetings, I don't think I've seen you in the writing forum before!
*reads*
Hmmm...Mmmhmm. It's not a bad intro at all. As a general rule, the sooner author gets us involved in the action, the better and you've done a nice job of getting us in line with this guy's annoyance. You have an option however, that will effect the narration of the story....

There was he hated most in this world. Boredom, heat, Mondays, and odd numbers. All of which seemed to compile into one day. At least someone up there has a sense of humor.

By including this opening paragraph, you establish a style of narration in which the narrator actually comments. It tells us that the story to some extent will be filtered through the narrator's point of view. If you omit the commentary paragraph and jump straight into the next one, everything more or less feels to be coming directly from the character. Neither way is better than the other. It depends on what style of narration you want in your story. But minus a few typos I think it's a very good beginning!

[ShiroiHikari]

This is actually a pretty good hook.

[USSRGirl]

Chairwoman Temulin approves! XD As the character reminded me of exactly the kind of things I'd been saying all yesterday (Monday... Mondays are evil... especially Mondays in summer). You did a good job of plunging us into the character's head and making a protagonist that's realistic and easy to sympathize with.

I'd say go ahead and write it. Just have fun with it at first and worry about the grammatical stuff later (one typo I'll point out though is that the first sentence seems to be missing a word "There was he hated most in this world." Maybe: "This was what..." or "There were three things he..." Just a suggestion). Overall, you have a great writing style that packs in a lot of character. Go! Write more!

[Sayuri]

~darkelfgirl~:
I agree, sudden intros get the reader going.
Forgive the grammar errors, I just started the 9 th grade, so I'm having some issues
I think I'll continue it.

Esoteric :
yeah... this is the first time I've posted in here.
I'm going to start some action don't worry.

ShiroiHikari:
Thank you ^^


USSRGirl:

Yay! thanks!

I didn't have time to proof-read, sorry! I'll fix it!

[creed4]

Very good start. You do well with getting my attention and making me want more. Good job.

Note about the grammar, this is an area I struggle as well, finding other who will read and point out the mistakes help. But keep it up very good intro