Astiroth (Book Title: Work in progress)

[Mononoke]

This is a book I began to write this year, I just started writing again recently after taking a long break as life was busy with work and other events. This is the first chapter of my book, its the rough-rough draft so no need to point out the spelling/grammar mistakes. Once I finish the 14th chapter which im currently writing, im going to go back and "spruce" up my first few chapters to make them more enjoyable to read. But I thought (just for kicks) that i'd get some feedback from my favorite Christian Arts website.

[quote]

Chapter 1 - Astiroth

Snowflakes were gracefully falling down upon the rosy cheeks of a beautiful dark haired woman. Her blue eyes gazed into the vast grey clouds above her, she smiled as she walked arm in arm with her husband carrying her young son of only 3 months old. She rested her head upon her husband’s shoulders and continued to walk through the glistening snow.

It was completely quiet except for the crunching of their boots making contact with the snowy surface and the sound of deep breathing coming from her child as he watched his breath steam out in front of him, clearly fascinated. Her husband closed her in tight to him as she gave a shudder from the cold, she couldn’t remember the last time she felt so calm.

Something changed, she could smell burning as if an explosion had taken place near by. She stopped and looked around, no, something wasn’t right, she looked at her son; what looked like black snowflakes were falling on his face. It was then she noticed that it was no longer snowing, but raining ash. She wiped the ash off her child’s face as he began to cry and spun around looking for the source but could not see anything around her at all, just the white snowy ground speckled in increasing amounts of ash, her breathing became more rapid and frantic as her son continued to scream.

The clouds were now black as if painted over in tar; she then realized that her surroundings had changed. Where was her house? Where did the street they were walking down go? The three of them were standing there, not moving, in the deafening silence. There was nothing to be seen for miles, the horizon seemed to extend endlessly. She began to cough as if the air had turned to soot, then she heard something. Something was approaching steadily, and quickly. She could not place what the sound was, it was so quiet. She saw in the distance a fracture with steam and smoke billowing out of it splitting apart the ground heading towards her and her family. CRACK! A large fissure opened in the ground where more fractures split from it, she screamed holding her baby tightly as steam as smoke poured out of the splits in the ground. The once still and quiet afternoon had erupted into chaos.

The whole ground surrounding them began to split open, she was ripped away from her husband who appeared on the other side of the increasingly larger chasm, she yelled at him for help but he just stood there, motionless. Black faceless creatures were crawling out of the fissure and grabbing at her husband, they were crawling all over him. A sinister smile etched its way across his face as he looked towards his helpless wife and child, it seemed that he enjoyed watching them in peril and did not notice the creatures covering his body. She screamed at him as tears welled up in her eyes. Her tears burned down her face like hot lava, she looked down to her son, he was gone. Her eyes grew large in fear spinning around frantically looking for him, she glanced over to where her husband had stood, he was gone too.

“WHATS GOING ON?â€

[Mononoke]

...Continued

[quote]

She looked up, hundreds of sengus were circling the plateau above them screeching and hissing at the site of her.

“ Please…please don’t hurt me. I have a family, I beg you.â€

[kryptech]

Interesting! Pretty grim stuff. I like the transformation at the beginning - from snowflakes to ash.

I'm a little in the dark about the whole situation but I trust the background and the nature of Metamorphia will be explained in the future?

[Mononoke]

Interesting! Pretty grim stuff. I like the transformation at the beginning - from snowflakes to ash.

I'm a little in the dark about the whole situation but I trust the background and the nature of Metamorphia will be explained in the future?

Thanks for the feedback! Yes the first chapter keeps the reader in the dark about a few things, thats the way I wanted it to start (With questions). Metamorphia gets explained right away in the 2nd chapter, but some of the other details get unraveled throughout the book.

[kryptech]

That's what I figured. I like that style - launching into a story and then revealing things as the tale progresses. I'll keep my eyes open for chapter two.

[Mononoke]

That's what I figured. I like that style - launching into a story and then revealing things as the tale progresses. I'll keep my eyes open for chapter two.

Yes I also like that style (obviously I guess hey? lol) I think its an effective way to keep a readers interest right off the bat. If I get enough feedback then im going to post chapter 2, if not then I'll just wait until Im done the book Thanks again for the comments

[~darkelfgirl~]

I like your story--especially how the scene changes from snowy happiness to dark fear. Poor woman--her family was just an illusion. The villain is pretty interesting too--I wonder why he wants Metamorphia. Makes me want to read more!

[Mononoke]

I like your story--especially how the scene changes from snowy happiness to dark fear. Poor woman--her family was just an illusion. The villain is pretty interesting too--I wonder why he wants Metamorphia. Makes me want to read more!

Thanks for the feedback Comments like, "I wonder why he wants Metamorphia. Makes me want to read more!" inspire me to go write another 5,000 words haha

[craner]

Wow that was really well done! I can't wait to read the rest of this, will you be putting chapter two on here? Your good at keeping the readers attention.