Anyone willing to revise my essay?

[Mr. SmartyPants]

well i had to write an essay about the characteristics of romeo... and like... i dunno... i guess my thing is okay... but when i write, i tend to get carried away with emotions (cause i really dislike the character romeo) so XD if anyone could revise and proofread if you want that would be awesome!

note: theres no conclusion, my teacher said not to worry bout that for now*




*essay starts*


In the play Romeo and Juliet, Romeo has a very distinct personality. His character is extremely flawed. And due to his mental immaturity, his bad judgment, obsessive nature, and his overall childish character. Romeo is unable to cope with his mixed feelings.

It is blatantly obvious that Romeo is obsessive about such things he lusts after. He was practically craving for Rosaline. Act 1 Scene 2, lines 84-89, Benvolio tells Romeo: [I]“At the same ancient feast of Capulet's. Sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so loves, With all the admired beauties of Verona. Go thither, and with unattained eye Compare her face with some that I shall show, and I will make thee think thy swan a crow.â€

[Silvanis]

and his overall childish character. Romeo is (there should be a comma, not a period)

is in total love with (good, but to say "is deeply in love with" sound more professional)

stupid. Because (once again, comma not period) (perhaps "pointless" instead of stupid, because then it sounds like you're holding a grudge)

is a big joke, (perhaps "game" would be better instead of "big joke")

I'll finish this up later. I've gotta go to school! Well done so far.

[Silvanis]

False alarm.

a grand mistake of killing (grand sounds good, but terrible sounds better)

Perhaps the two last paragraphs should be broken into two paragraphs each. That way it looks like more work and is formatted correctly. I also suggest you write about a few good qualities of Romeo if you have time.

My congrats to you on a great paper!

[Angel37]

Ok I'm in AP English Lang so forgive me if I go evil editing Nazi on you.

-NEVER begin a sentence with and or because or but. Make it a compound sentence with the one before it by using a comma or taking out the and and because and inserting a semi colon.

-In the first paragraph, combine your second sentence with either the first or the third one because as it stands, it is a fragment. take out the and at the beginning of the sentence.

-Second paragraph- blatantly obvious is too strong. Just use obvious. you can combine the first and second sentences to read "...obsessive over things he lusts after for he was practically..." or "...lusts after as he was...". Either way'll work. In the sentence beginning "But as soon as.." take out but and just use "As soon as...". "pretty stupid" is both too strong and rather immature sounding (no offense, not saying YOU'RE immature or anything). Use something else like "illogical, because he doesn't know the inner Juliet at all" or something to that effect (and be sure to combine that sentence and the "because he doesn't.." one together.).
In the senetence beginnig with "Although it is true..." take out the but, however keep the comma there. I liked Silvanis' suggestion of using game instead of big joke. In that same senetnce it is understands with an s, not understand. Comine the sentence beginning with "Although one could argue..." with the sentence directly after it by placing a comma where the period is. Likewise, combine the last sentence in paragraph too with that same sentence.

-Paragraph Three- First paragraph, take out the words 'very'(it sounds better without them). Consider changing the sentence to read: "Romeo is also irresponsible and incapable of making good decisions." In the second sentence take out the "about a" to sound more secure in your logic. After the quote, which needs to be lower case and have a comma before it. or you could take out which and make it an entirely new sentence. by saying "This is more of.." Don't use "seems to be" Be secure in your argument! ^_^ In "Romeo also made a.." take out grand and just use "mistake" there (it sounds better). Also, combine that sentence with the one directly after it. The whole part about romeo being utterly stupid is WAY too strongly opinionated. Consider writing it this way: " Romeo's decision to avenge Mercutio was immature because of his banishment thereafter. He should have let the proper authorities handle the situation instead of blindly jumping ahead to kill Tybalt himself. Romeo also attempted to kill himself in Friar Lawrences's place (Act 3, Scene 3) which was another mistake on his part because instead of facing his problems like a man, he chooses to attempt taking the fast way out of things, even if it leads to certain death. Finally, Romeo again showed his immaturity in taking his own life simply because Juliet appeared "dead". Instead, he should have (insert your opinion here)."

That's just my opinion and, like I said, AP English turned me into the editing Nazi so....but i do agree with your points! Romeo was dumb. . Hope it helped! ^_^ Feel free to pm me if you have any questions or want me to revise anything else.
<3 Angel

[Mr. SmartyPants]

stupid. Because (once again, comma not period) (perhaps "pointless" instead of stupid, because then it sounds like you're holding a grudge)

you're right i am holding a grudge XD lol

thanks to you both for your revisions, ill finish it up at home!

[Silvanis]

Cool! Glad I could help. Editing is one of my specialties, so let me know if you've got anything else you need checked, I'll be happy to help!

[Ingemar]

-Second paragraph- blatantly obvious is too strong. Just use obvious.

Actually, never say "obvious," period. If something is obvious, it should be stated as a fact, or as a quotation (and ALWAYS CITE YOUR REFERENCES!). If what you say is "obvious" is actually something you are trying to argue, then it is not obvious at all. The fact that something has to be argued and supported with textual evidence is an obvious indication (yes, pun intended) that it is something not obvious.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

GAH THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!!! YOU GUYS HELP ME A LOT!!! ^_^

now to turn it in tomorrow!

[Ingemar]

I have an essay due on Wednesday. Good luck, I guess.

[Silvanis]

Good lucks to you as well Inegmar.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

o_O i got a 100 on it... and so did another kid... but that kid did his in a 1 period sitting... i did mine in the span of like 2 days.... lucky him

[Silvanis]

Go you! The other kid must be a computer in a human body or something.

[Linksquest]

That's just my opinion and, like I said, AP English turned me into the editing Nazi.

yay! Im in Ap Eng Lang too! we are the elite!