CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Here's a poem I wrote on the fly tonight. It's addressed to my mom. I wish I could have made it more artful. But these were my thoughts tonight. I wish I could really express what's going on inside me...man, this healing business is...well, words can't describe it.

Let me know what you think.

Also, please continue to pray for me. It really means a lot. More than you know.

I know I already shared my testimony here, but I feel a strong leading to keep sharing it in other places--to spread it. I used to feel embarrassed about being abused, but now I see it as something God can use and make good out of. Only God could have brought about that change in perspective.

Anyway, the poem:

Mom

Mom, why do you do the things you do?
Mom, I love you so much. Don't you know that?
Mom, why do you push everyone away?

Mom, I trusted you. You are my mom. I looked to you for love and acceptance. Why can't you love me as I am?
Mom, why...why did you say such hurtful things? Why did you tell me I was a mistake, unloved? Why? Why did you hit me when I did nothing wrong?
Mom, why did you get so angry when I would cry? Why did you yell "I'll give you something to cry about!"? Didn't you know that would just make me more afraid?
Now I am embarrassed to cry...so I cry alone where no one can see.
Mom, why did you think that you could earn my love by buying me things? Didn't you think I'd rather have you?
Mom, why do you harbor so much hate inside? Don't you know it will destroy you? Don't you know it will eat you alive?
Mom, why did you push me away?
Mom, do you know the scars I now carry?
Mom, I do still love you. But know that I had to leave. I tried so hard to love you and to break through somehow.
But I just could not handle the abuse any longer. I could not handle the hurtful, wounding words any longer.
But know that I do still love you.
Mom, now I don't have a home to go to. But, again, your house never was really home.
Mom, now I am left to pick up the pieces of my life. I am a broken person and only God can mend me now.
But Mom, I do still love you. I don't hate you anymore. I feel sad for the choices you've made.
Mom, let God change your heart. Don't keep pushing everyone away. We want to love you and have you in our lives.
Mom, I know you have hurts too. God knows too. Talk to Him.
Mom, I know that I can't change you. God knows I've tried. But I do know that God can change your heart. I pray He does.
But until that time comes, I will keep praying for you.

God, please, please change Mom's heart before she winds up all alone...You're the only one who can help her now. She needs You.

Mom, now I am on my own. I have to start my journey of healing now. And I pray that you start yours too. Then maybe we can be a family...a real one.

*cries* I went through the same thing with my mom... this poem I can realte to alot

Your poem really touched my heart. Not only because I recall those same questions of "why?" but also because I saw myself start falling into the same hurtful patterns with my own kids, and I never want them to have to run away from me one day because of pain I've caused... It's a humbling feeling to know that so much anger and hurt can exist in the hearts of those who have come away from the torment of abuse.

You are very brave to share your story and bare your heart here. Know that you, and your mom, are in my prayers. And I want to share this verse with you: “He places the solitary in families” (Psalm 68:6). Know that even though you may *feel* alone, that you may not have your "mom" with you to guide and love you as you need... you are never going to be alone. God will send people to you who will build you up. He will send the right people through your path so that you can receive that love and acceptance that you long for.

Hold your head high and know that your life and story has purpose. God is working a miracle through you.

Thank you both. Your words are so encouraging. They give me hope that God will use all this to help someone somehow somewhere down the line.

Yes, God does send people to meet needs. My Christian family here from church and from campus has been so wonderful--God has been so faithful!

Again, thank you for your kind and encouraging words.