Coming back to the Cross...
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:56 am
Okay, so I found the testimonials sub forum, and the threads on here... I have perused some of them and indentified with many things I found. I have debated over whether or not to share my own testimony, but maybe in sharing, it will help someone else, you know?
So... I was raised in a (sort of ) Christian home. My mom is a believer but has always had a problem with rage and used to be very mean to me at times. I was yelled at, put down, and sometimes smacked around.My dad's not a believer, but he was always a good dad to me, even though he often let me down. And if he somewhere deep inside he *does* believe, he doesn't live it. So anyways, I got a lot of mixed messages in my childhood. I was fortunate enough to go to a Christian school for my entire school career, and was a faithful attendee of Church (because my mom made me go, really) until I graduated from highschool. However my relationship with God was distant. I wasn't really living my faith, although I believed with all my heart, I was trapped in sin.
Right after I graduated, I met an older guy (I was 17, he was 24) and even though I knew it was wrong, I ended up sleeping with him. I got pregnant from that encounter and had to decide what to do with not only my life, but my child's life as well.
I chose to keep my baby and raise her the best I could. I spent the first year and a half of her life living with my parents, until I had the opportunity to move out on my own. Once I did, the guy that I had been dating on and off since my daughter's birth moved in with me.
Once we were living together, I found that he was much more disturbed mentally than I originally knew. He became agressive, then abusive to me within the first few months of our cohabitation. He drank, smoked cigarettes and weed and did other drugs as well.
He was mean... but I was "in love", so I let it all slide. Then, I became pregnant with my second child. He wanted me to have an abortion, but I refused. I told him that I would give the baby up for adoption, so that he would not have to worry about being a father and he moved to California.
I found that I could not bear the thought of giving up my baby, and decided that no matter what, I would keep and raise him. My then boyfriend moved back from Cali to stay with me again, but kept insisting I give the baby up, even to the point of telling me that day I went into the hospital to give birth that I had "better come home alone". He didn't even look at his son for the first three days of his life.
We continued to live together for a few years, with him becoming increasingly violent and cruel to me. I went through many periods of hopelessness and depression, where I would cry out to God to save me from the hell I was living in. Many people tried to convince me to leave him, but he had me completely convinced that if I tried to leave, he would kidnap my son and I would never see him again.
So I stayed, and endured.
Finally it came to the point where the authorities got involved. I was told in plain terms that either I left him, or the state would take my kids. So I packed up and left. It was the best thing I ever did, because at the rate we had been going, he would have killed me for sure.
Of course, like many silly girls who are still in love, I had hope that he would change, that he would come home and we would all be a happy family. We actually tried again to have a "sort of" relationship, two years after we broke up, but it was a disaster. I got pregnant again, and this time I made the hard and horrible decision to have an abortion. I was terrified of having another child with him, and that fear helped me to rationalize and justify killing my own baby...
That pain has stayed with me over these last years, and I don't think it will ever go away fully. I picked up and tried to keep moving on, I asked God for forgiveness, but never felt truly forgiven. Then I met the man I am with now.
We were just friends at first, but we began to have feelings for each other, which grew into love. We were both believers, but neither of us were living right and it showed by the type of relationship we evolved into. He made the decision to leave his hometown and move to Florida to be with me.
He came down only last Spetember, yet right after he moved in, we began to have problems. I found out that he had been talking to other girls. My heart was completely broken, my trust for him disintegrated into ashes on the wind.
We talked through much of it, but it changed us both. From that point on, there were numerous incidents of betrayal and mistrust, and each incident left me more broken than the one before. That is when I realized that I could not keep living my life outside of God's will. To do so would mean suicide: death to my fragile and severely wounded spirit. I began to search for answers and I began that long trek back to the Cross, begging that God would forgive me and restore hope and joy to my heart.
Since then, I have been doing my best to change my life. To be the woman that He wants me to be, to be the mother my children deserve... To do my best every day to live like Christ. I fail continually, but I never give up the desire to be like Him. I had to give up control of my relationship with my boyfriend (I call him Ichi-sama, since he's always been my Number One...), even though my heart still fights against it. But I realized that pleasing God MUST be more important than pleasing my own selfish desires. If for some reason, He wants us to be together, He will make a way, and we will have a chance to do it right this time, without the sin that has followed us from the very beginning...
But even if He doesn't, I can now trust God to take care of me. I only wish that the lessons I have learned these last six months were things I had learned twelve years ago... my life would be radically different. But I am grateful that I learned them at all... some people never do.
So that's my story. I have hit rock bottom a dozen times but each time God brings me out. And then I can climb a little higher and draw a little nearer to Him.
So... I was raised in a (sort of ) Christian home. My mom is a believer but has always had a problem with rage and used to be very mean to me at times. I was yelled at, put down, and sometimes smacked around.My dad's not a believer, but he was always a good dad to me, even though he often let me down. And if he somewhere deep inside he *does* believe, he doesn't live it. So anyways, I got a lot of mixed messages in my childhood. I was fortunate enough to go to a Christian school for my entire school career, and was a faithful attendee of Church (because my mom made me go, really) until I graduated from highschool. However my relationship with God was distant. I wasn't really living my faith, although I believed with all my heart, I was trapped in sin.
Right after I graduated, I met an older guy (I was 17, he was 24) and even though I knew it was wrong, I ended up sleeping with him. I got pregnant from that encounter and had to decide what to do with not only my life, but my child's life as well.
I chose to keep my baby and raise her the best I could. I spent the first year and a half of her life living with my parents, until I had the opportunity to move out on my own. Once I did, the guy that I had been dating on and off since my daughter's birth moved in with me.
Once we were living together, I found that he was much more disturbed mentally than I originally knew. He became agressive, then abusive to me within the first few months of our cohabitation. He drank, smoked cigarettes and weed and did other drugs as well.
He was mean... but I was "in love", so I let it all slide. Then, I became pregnant with my second child. He wanted me to have an abortion, but I refused. I told him that I would give the baby up for adoption, so that he would not have to worry about being a father and he moved to California.
I found that I could not bear the thought of giving up my baby, and decided that no matter what, I would keep and raise him. My then boyfriend moved back from Cali to stay with me again, but kept insisting I give the baby up, even to the point of telling me that day I went into the hospital to give birth that I had "better come home alone". He didn't even look at his son for the first three days of his life.
We continued to live together for a few years, with him becoming increasingly violent and cruel to me. I went through many periods of hopelessness and depression, where I would cry out to God to save me from the hell I was living in. Many people tried to convince me to leave him, but he had me completely convinced that if I tried to leave, he would kidnap my son and I would never see him again.
So I stayed, and endured.
Finally it came to the point where the authorities got involved. I was told in plain terms that either I left him, or the state would take my kids. So I packed up and left. It was the best thing I ever did, because at the rate we had been going, he would have killed me for sure.
Of course, like many silly girls who are still in love, I had hope that he would change, that he would come home and we would all be a happy family. We actually tried again to have a "sort of" relationship, two years after we broke up, but it was a disaster. I got pregnant again, and this time I made the hard and horrible decision to have an abortion. I was terrified of having another child with him, and that fear helped me to rationalize and justify killing my own baby...
That pain has stayed with me over these last years, and I don't think it will ever go away fully. I picked up and tried to keep moving on, I asked God for forgiveness, but never felt truly forgiven. Then I met the man I am with now.
We were just friends at first, but we began to have feelings for each other, which grew into love. We were both believers, but neither of us were living right and it showed by the type of relationship we evolved into. He made the decision to leave his hometown and move to Florida to be with me.
He came down only last Spetember, yet right after he moved in, we began to have problems. I found out that he had been talking to other girls. My heart was completely broken, my trust for him disintegrated into ashes on the wind.
We talked through much of it, but it changed us both. From that point on, there were numerous incidents of betrayal and mistrust, and each incident left me more broken than the one before. That is when I realized that I could not keep living my life outside of God's will. To do so would mean suicide: death to my fragile and severely wounded spirit. I began to search for answers and I began that long trek back to the Cross, begging that God would forgive me and restore hope and joy to my heart.
Since then, I have been doing my best to change my life. To be the woman that He wants me to be, to be the mother my children deserve... To do my best every day to live like Christ. I fail continually, but I never give up the desire to be like Him. I had to give up control of my relationship with my boyfriend (I call him Ichi-sama, since he's always been my Number One...), even though my heart still fights against it. But I realized that pleasing God MUST be more important than pleasing my own selfish desires. If for some reason, He wants us to be together, He will make a way, and we will have a chance to do it right this time, without the sin that has followed us from the very beginning...
But even if He doesn't, I can now trust God to take care of me. I only wish that the lessons I have learned these last six months were things I had learned twelve years ago... my life would be radically different. But I am grateful that I learned them at all... some people never do.
So that's my story. I have hit rock bottom a dozen times but each time God brings me out. And then I can climb a little higher and draw a little nearer to Him.
.