CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

He knew this day was coming, for today was the day he would stop being a boy and finally become the man he always dreamed of being.
He spent his entire life thinking that being a man was measured only by his strength but today he had realized that being man had nothing to do with that.
It was about being aware of everything and person he touched. He prayed as he walked into what he knew would be his final saga.
He prayed not for himself but asked the Lord to forgive his enemies and to grant peace unto those who wished him well.
He came across the people he was looking for. They were hardened men, deep into their 30s, most of them had scars on their faces from their past conflicts and they wore dark Armani suits. He approached them, to confront them on their wrongdoings and threatened their leader distinguished by his red pinstripe tie.
They all turned their attention to the boy who was shaking with fear. They gazed into his eyes and began to laugh hysterically. The boy’s fear quickly turned into anger as he charged and tackled the leader tearing off the top button of his suit.
The boy was restrained immediately and was beaten to point where he could barely breathe.
The leader pulled out his Beretta 92, rested it on his temple and pulled the trigger.
Immediately after the sounding of the discharge, the sounds of sirens could be heard from all directions. Within two to three minutes they were surrounded by armed police officers wielding semi-automatic M16 rifles.
“They” were the Gambino Crime Family and “he” was Levi Thompson; a seventeen year old boy from Brooklyn.

That night Levi's mother relaxing that night watching her T.V. when she heard a knock at her door.
At the other end of the door were two police detectives who explained the to her the fate of her son and how is sacrifice led to the conviction of the Gambino Crime Family. Sgt Miles then handed the mother a note "We found this in your sons pocket I think it was meant for you.

It read:
"No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."(John 10:18)... Remember mom the Good Shepherd dies for His Sheep.

She began to weep immensely knowing that her son had found his way home.
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It's really High-Contexted so a lot of people find that it drags on a lot but I felt that it was okay. Probably not one of my best but I tried.

I really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing. For me personally, this was an exceptional story. Stories about martyrs are the best kind, in my opinion. It could use some work as far as grammar and run-on sentences, but overall I enjoyed it a lot.
Good job.

ClaecElric4God wrote:I really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing. For me personally, this was an exceptional story. Stories about martyrs are the best kind, in my opinion. It could use some work as far as grammar and run-on sentences, but overall I enjoyed it a lot.
Good job.

LOL Yeah for sure. Thanks for you input.
I always had to proof read my work 2-3 before it was perfect. As you can probably tell I didn't proof read this at all.

Troy wrote:He knew this day was coming, for today was the day he would stop being a boy and finally become the man he always dreamed of being.
He spent his entire life thinking that being a man was measured only by his strength but today he had realized that being man had nothing to do with that.
It was about being aware of everything and person he touched. He prayed as he walked into what he knew would be his final saga.
He prayed not for himself but asked the Lord to forgive his enemies and to grant peace unto those who wished him well.

So far, not bad.

He came across the people he was looking for.

...he just... came across them? Where were they? On a busy street? In a posh office? In a family diner?

They were hardened men, deep into their 30s, most of them had scars on their faces from their past conflicts and they wore dark Armani suits. He approached them, to confront them on their wrongdoings and threatened their leader distinguished by his red pinstripe tie.

Okay, why? Why is he so concerned with bringing these guys to justice that he will give his life? There are plenty of really great people in the world who won't give their lives to send a crime ring to jail, not without really good, really personal reasons, and not without trying absolutely EVERYTHING else. Why is this boy so determined? What did they do to him? How have their crimes affected him? And what else has he tried to bring them to justice?

They all turned their attention to the boy who was shaking with fear. They gazed into his eyes and began to laugh hysterically. The boy’s fear quickly turned into anger as he charged and tackled the leader tearing off the top button of his suit.
The boy was restrained immediately and was beaten to point where he could barely breathe.
The leader pulled out his Beretta 92, rested it on his temple and pulled the trigger.

Not to sound calloused, but I don't care. Why should I? I know nothing about this kid other than that he is a Christian obsessed with martyrdom. Again, if I knew his reasons for being so determined (or suicidal), it would help me to feel some kind of pathos at his sacrifice.

“They” were the Gambino Crime Family and “he” was Levi Thompson; a seventeen year old boy from Brooklyn.

You could have used this opportunity to expand on Levi's motivations and history. A little late, but anything would have been better than nothing.

That night Levi's mother relaxing that night watching her T.V. when she heard a knock at her door.

I can tell you didn't proofread because this sentence is kind of a mess.

At the other end of the door

"On the other side," you mean. Otherwise this is a bizarrely long door.

It read:
"No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."(John 10:18)... Remember mom the Good Shepherd dies for His Sheep.

She began to weep immensely knowing that her son had found his way home.

...this kid thinks he's Jesus? Who are his sheep? And I'm sorry, I think her reaction would be a lot more complex than that. If it were me, and my son just randomly let criminals kill him in order to put them in jail (I'm assuming it's random because, again, we have no history and no real reason why he would be doing this; we don't even have an idea of the Gambino family's crimes before this kid's murder), I would feel a whole lot of anger and confusion. Why my son? Why do it this way? Am I so terrible a mother that he felt like committing suicide? Because without background that's basically all he's done here. Noble suicide. What about my son's life was so horrible he felt like he couldn't be a man unless he died?!
Also, nitpicky detail: how does one weep "immensely"? I mean, she could weep in immense despair, or immense grief, but the act of weeping could better be described with words like "uncontrollably" or "violently."

It's really High-Contexted so a lot of people find that it drags on a lot but I felt that it was okay.

Two things: 1.) What on earth does "High-Contexted" mean?
2.) Who told you that it drags on? This story is all of 425 words long. It needs to be slower! We need a lot more establishing of who these people are, what their relationship is to each other, what their motivations are, and so forth. We need tension to be built between the time the boy decides his only recourse is to die to bring these guys to justice, and the time his plan is carried out. We need to feel anxious about this kid. Will his plan succeed? Does he feel the pounding of every heartbeat, the dragging of every step, the trickle of every bead of sweat as he steps into the room where he knows he will die? I mean, the Bible gives us more development than this when Jesus dies, talking about his agonized prayers in Gethsemane, sweating blood, rebuking his disciples because they can't even keep watch with him for one hour.
Your story needs to drag more. Otherwise your readers don't feel anything about this kid and his sacrifice.