CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is a part of the novel I'm writing.
Tell me what you think.
One note: it starts in medias res, in the middle of the story.
All kinds of constructive criticism are welcome.

Here it is:


The events of the last month were still fresh in Kevin's mind. He had met the archangel Michael, the cherub Ashley, two Spirits, Flood and Nyro, two Solar Guardians, Shadow and Reah, and above all, God Himself.

"What'cha thinkin' about?" Tamahara inquired.

"Just all that's happened in the last few weeks. The lot of us have thwarted a Jovian conspiracy to eradicate Mercurians. We've become personally acquainted with—" he stopped when the group of six heard the guttural groaning emanating from the sea about three hundred feet away. Kevin changed to Nyro and teleported the group to about fifty feet away from the beach where the miserable wail originated. He alone wandered toward where the ocean met the sand. He changed to the Spirit of Water and studied the deep.

With no warning whatsoever, a gigantic, clawed appendage grabbed at him. He screamed at the others, "Go, NOW!!!" Everyone but the Guardians complied.

Reah hollered, "What is that?!?"

"LEVIATHAN!! I SAID, ‘GO’!!" he answered as he forced them away. Another appendage crushed Water, impelling him into the sand.

He shed his human guise and made his way up the creature's limb. The massive Leviathan dragged itself out of the depths of the water, onto the grainy beach, pulling its titanic head out of the foamy sea.

The Spirit made his way onto the beast's head.

"You and Nyro are temporarily revoked from Kevin's arsenal."

"Who is next?"

"Strength. Kevin, you must slay this most impressive of beasts."

Kevin stood atop Leviathan's head, and drew his swords, neutron matter forming the blades.

He readied himself to deliver the blow, when the mammoth monster shook itself, like a dog drying himself. This flung the One of Prophecy off its head, about seventy feet to the right of the animal. He reached the sand thirty feet below, his weight from the fall driving him deep into the gravelly shards of rock. Leviathan caught the sight of the sand billowing up from the site of impact and made its way lumbering to the eleven-year-old boy.

Zipora was forcing her way back to the beach, wanting to watch. What she saw stole the color from her flesh and the strength from her legs. Her brother was dwarfed by the gargantuan beast that was looking for its next meal. Tommy caught up with the girl and yanked her away from the mortifying appalling sight.

The One of Prophecy was straining against the huge monster's overwhelming jaws. He lunged himself out of the beast's mouth, rolling over the sand. Leviathan pawed at the boy, crushing him into the beach.

Kevin forced the beast's claws up, out of the grainy sediment. He darted out from under the appendage. One of the claws formed a deep gash in the boy's flesh. Blood began streaming from the gaping wound. Leviathan swiped at him again, but this time, he jumped onto its talons.

Leviathan attempted to shake the One of Prophecy off of its limb. It was unsuccessful. Kevin crawled along the monster's limb towards its head.

Shadow had made his way back onto the beach and was firing shock bombs at the massive beast's gut. All he succeeded in doing was agitating Leviathan into an even higher level of rage. The creature's tail swiped into his side, sending him flying into a sheer granite rock face nearby. The armor covering his body began malfunctioning because of the immense impact. He removed the armor, something he hadn't done for seven years.

Kevin once again prepared himself to claim the life of the enormous monster. The beast reared up on its hind legs, propelling the One of Prophecy high into the air, and bellowed with a deafening groan. Kevin pulled his arms back, above his head, getting into position to take this chief beast's head. He began his downward trajectory, heading straight for Leviathan's trunk-like neck.

The heavy blades of Kevin's swords glided through the mammoth animal's flesh without resistance, severing its cranium from the rest of its body. The head of the now-conquered Leviathan fell unsupported to the sandy beach, and the remainder of the great beast's corpse collapsed to the ground. Oddly enough, when the creature was decapitated, no blood was to be found within its body.

Kevin forced himself toward the trees, blood still pouring from his back. As the One of Prophecy dragged himself toward the rest of the party, he passed by the male Guardian, who noticed his limping trudge and his difficult breathing. "You okay, kid?" asked Shadow, out of genuine concern. The boy didn't acknowledge the person speaking to him.

When he finally reached the rest of the party, he continued his pain-filled lumber to his sister, and groaned, "I got us dinner." He then saw the glyphs Yäk-Urik-Katör-Asheron-Ahd-Möt, a strong, expressive face, then blackness.

Zipora, with her eyes filled with tears, pleaded, "Kevin, please tell me you're okay," and placed her hands on his shoulders, after which he succumbed to his several injuries and fell to the ground, unconscious.


End.

So, what did you think? Be gentle.

Anyone?

First things first. If this is the start of your story, I don't recommend introducing all your characters off the bat like that. Better to introduce them as the battle commences. Also, leave off the explanatory dialogue. I'm really bad at this too, but try to show instead of tell.
for example, instead of saying "Kevin was scared", write, "Kevin wiped the sweat from his palms onto him pant legs and looked up at the daunting creature." That way, we still know he's scared but got to figure it out for ourselves.

Yeah, this isn't the beginning of the storyline; it's the first part of the second installation. That's why I didn't explain how Shadow's armor could malfunction, or what "shock bombs" are.
As for the second part, I'm not quite sure what you mean. I mean, is it too wordy, too explanatory, or what?

Chronicler1701 wrote:As for the second part, I'm not quite sure what you mean. I mean, is it too wordy, too explanatory, or what?

It makes your story more interesting. It's boring to read "Kevin saw a large dog. He was scared. Kevin ran away."

I still don't know what needs to be done.
Perhaps if you gave me an example of the text that needs revision?

A lot of times when it comes to description, less is more. I struggle with that myself. You can get a little creative in describing things or actions, but again take care not to be too wordy or explain too much (whether in narrative or dialogue).

For example, say you want to describe one character reacting in shock to another character's words. There are a few ways to do so. One is something like "For a moment all Kara did was close her eyes in response to Jacob's harsh words. When she opened them again, she looked as though he had slapped her in the face." Or you could write the same scene as how Jacob would perceive it, like this. "Jacob continued to berate Kara and her recent choices in life, not caring to take notice that with each statement, her features were crumbling and she was slowly backing away from him."

I see.
What about the actual content?
What did you think about the story?

I think that the story itself is incomprehensible, due to it not providing necessary information to allow the suspension of disbelief necessary to make the part you've provided us to read work. 11 year old with swords that effortlessly cut through things? Random sudden attack by a monster? Powers with no idea how or why they work? Most of what can be considered here are style and technical issues, not content, due to there not being enough content of the right types to actually evaluate the story on a content basis.

I see. I'll try to work on that.

Your story looks interesting.
I'm no good at critiquing so I'm not going to try but I did see that you had wrote " Tommy caught up with the girl and yanked her away from the mortifying sight."
I looked up Mortifying and the only definition that came up was feeling embarrassing or filled with shame. I don't know if you misused the word or meant for her to be embarrassed but that does not make much sense, at least not to me.

I see what you mean. I meant it more like: "Tommy caught up with the girl and yanked her away from the appalling sight."
I'll change it.

Also on a mechanical level you have a point of view problem. You're sort of in Kevins head at the beginning, talking about his thoughts and what he sees through his eyes, but after he passes out, without warning we're abruptly outside him, which just plain doesn't work if it happens in a single line like that. Most books that do that in particular will make the new character a new chapter at least or something, but first person shifting around is rarely done, because it's quite difficult to do well.

Alright… I have some work to do.

Okay, just a heads-up, I love critiquing stuff, and I'm not trying to be mean at all. I've got a lot to critique but understand that I'm saying all this not because I'm being nitpicky or I want to tear you down. I think it's cool that you're writing a story, and I think you've got an interesting concept here. So, whatever you do, don't get upset or feel like your story is hopeless or that I hated it or anything like that. I'm just going to be really specific. I hope you don't mind if I do a blow-by-blow critique.

Chronicler1701 wrote:The events of the last month were still fresh in Kevin's mind. He had met the archangel Michael, the cherub Ashley, two Spirits, Flood and Nyro, two Solar Guardians, Shadow and Reah, and above all, God Himself.

"What'cha thinkin' about?" Tamahara inquired.

Okay, this is probably due to it being the middle of the story, but these scene is not set up well. I have no idea where we are or who is present. On the first reading I thought all of the people listed in the first paragraph were part of this scene, so, subsequently, when the battle commences, I wonder why there's this crowd of powerful beings on the beach and none of them are helping Kevin.

"Just all that's happened in the last few weeks. The lot of us have thwarted a Jovian conspiracy to eradicate Mercurians. We've become personally acquainted with—" he stopped when the group of six heard the guttural groaning emanating from the sea about three hundred feet away. Kevin changed to Nyro and teleported the group to about fifty feet away from the beach where the miserable wail originated. He alone wandered toward where the ocean met the sand. He changed to the Spirit of Water and studied the deep.

With no warning whatsoever, a gigantic, clawed appendage grabbed at him. He screamed at the others, "Go, NOW!!!" Everyone but the Guardians complied.

Again, it sounds like the whole crowd of the first paragraph, including God Himself, is just kind of standing there slack-jawed while Kevin is attacked. Also, now that you mention it... why isn't anyone helping him? Just because he tells them to leave? There might be a couple of people in a party of heroes (I'm assuming there are some brave, powerful beings hanging out here) who do that but what might make it more interesting is if you have some characters with enough bravado and pride that they're not going to let an 11-year-old do all the fighting. I'm not impressed with any of these characters at the moment, because, One of Prophecy or not, if they have even the slightest bit of power at least one of them should feel like they've got a responsibility to help. This is especially glaring at the end when this happens:

As the One of Prophecy dragged himself toward the rest of the party, he passed by the male Guardian, who noticed his limping trudge and his difficult breathing. "You okay, kid?" asked Shadow, out of genuine concern.

At first I was like, "I don't know why this guy is a 'guardian' or what a guardian is but he sounds like a pretty useless one to me. It's hard to believe he's genuinely concerned when he didn't lift a finger to help the 11-year-old." But then I realized I missed this:

Shadow had made his way back onto the beach and was firing shock bombs at the massive beast's gut. All he succeeded in doing was agitating Leviathan into an even higher level of rage.

However, this makes me wonder, again, how many people are in this party and why is this one guy the only one even trying to help? And why do you have a group of people at all if all the other characters are completely useless, even the ones who try to help? The only thing I get out of this is that Kevin is the only person who matters because he's the only person who can do anything at all. I feel like you've got this group of people who exist only for the sake of the main character, and they have very little in the way of personality or substance. Who are they? What do they want and what do they talk about aside from Kevin? These are probably unfair questions to ask at the moment because this excerpt is an action sequence mainly featuring Kevin, but it's hard to get into because I have no idea who anybody is or why I should care about them at all.

"LEVIATHAN!! I SAID, ‘GO’!!" he answered as he forced them away. Another appendage crushed Water, impelling him into the sand.

...do you by any chance watch Supernatural? Also, here's a definition of impel:

1. to urge or force (a person) to an action; constrain or motivate
2. to push, drive, or force into motion

This leads me to the next thing I noticed about your writing style: you're using fancy words when normal words will do. For example, the sentence will be just as interesting if you simply say "driving him into the sand." It's an easier word to imagine, not only because you've incorrectly used the word "impel," but also because it's a word we use in our everyday speech.

Speaking of which, "appendage" is a really vague word. I have no idea what I'm supposed to imagine. Is it an arm? A tentacle? A segmented spider leg? All I know is that it is "clawed." Try to use specific words rather than broad words when you can. Another example:

He shed his human guise and made his way up the creature's limb.

Rather than "made his way," using a more specific verb will help your audience get in the action. You could say "climbed" or "grappled" or "slithered" (after all, maybe when he sheds his human guise he looks like a snake?). Again, you don't have to get fancy and use a word we never use in every day speech, but getting more specific with your verbs will help a whole lot.

The Spirit made his way onto the beast's head.

"You and Nyro are temporarily revoked from Kevin's arsenal."

"Who is next?"

"Strength. Kevin, you must slay this most impressive of beasts."

I have no idea what is happening here. Who is the Spirit? Is it Kevin? Because last I saw Kevin was fighting alone and clambering his way up the massive beast, so... Kevin is the Spirit? But then why is he talking to himself? Who is speaking? Wait, what? Is Strength a character or an Element? I'm getting really confused about your concept here.

Kevin stood atop Leviathan's head, and drew his swords, neutron matter forming the blades.

Okay, hang on a second. Not only can Kevin switch between magic powers, but he also has neutron blades of ambiguous origin? Is that an option all the time, or is it only available now because "Strength" is up next?

Leviathan caught the sight of the sand billowing up from the site of impact and made its way lumbering to the eleven-year-old boy.

Again with the "made its way" thing. You should just avoid that phrase altogether, since you can always replace it with a more interesting verb. Actually, you used the more interesting verb redundantly. You could just say, "It lumbered over to the eleven-year-old boy."

Tommy caught up with the girl and yanked her away from the mortifying appalling sight.

Who? What? There are too many characters here and I have no idea how anybody's related to anybody else, aside from Zipora being Kevin's sister. Also... just as a matter of interest, your story predates the name "Kevin." (http://www.behindthename.com/name/kevin) I bring this up because I'm wondering why, in the midst of all of these fun fantasy names (set in the 1100's, correct?), there are people named "Kevin" and "Tommy".

He lunged himself out of the beast's mouth

Don't need "himself"; "He lunged out of the beast's mouth" does just fine. Once principle of creative writing I learned in college: If you can cut a word out of a sentence and not change the meaning at all, do so. Make your sentences as concise and crisp as possible.

Leviathan attempted to shake the One of Prophecy off of its limb. It was unsuccessful. Kevin crawled along the monster's limb towards its head.

Okay, this is another distracting thing: Kevin. The One of Prophecy. The eleven-year-old. The Spirit (?). There are so many ways you're referring to this one person and it's kind of difficult to follow. Just calling him "Kevin" will probably do for most scenes, because you've got enough characters and names as it is without adding more complications.

The creature's tail swiped into his side, sending him flying into a sheer granite rock face nearby. The armor covering his body began malfunctioning because of the immense impact. He removed the armor, something he hadn't done for seven years.

Wait, wait, wait. He's been wearing the same suit of armor since he was four? Hasn't he, like, grown at all in seven years? Or is this weird magical armor that grows with him? Does it bathe him, too? Are there holes in it for when nature calls?

For that matter, why is your character so young? Is there a reason relevant to the plot why he has to be eleven? When was the last time you met an eleven-year-old boy you would trust the fate of the world with? How does the pressure of having to save the world affect this child developmentally? Does he ever think about what it would be like to be a normal eleven-year-old? Speaking of which, what did normal eleven-year-olds do in the 1100's, aside from try not to die of plague? Where are this kid's parents? How do they feel about all this? Please don't tell me they're dead, because freaking everybody's parents are dead. What about his sister? Does she feel jealous at all that her brother gets all the powers and attention? Does she have powers? Does this run in the family? WHO IS THIS TOMMY PERSON?!

Sorry, there are just so many questions. I don't know if you've thought about all this stuff but these questions may help you to flesh out this character and the supporting characters a bit more. I just have a hard time accepting an eleven-year-old named Kevin as the Prophesied Hero of a fantasy novel, especially if you're asking me to believe that he's been doing it since he was four.

The heavy blades of Kevin's swords glided through the mammoth animal's flesh without resistance, severing its cranium from the rest of its body. The head of the now-conquered Leviathan fell unsupported to the sandy beach, and the remainder of the great beast's corpse collapsed to the ground. Oddly enough, when the creature was decapitated, no blood was to be found within its body.

Again, overly wordy. Permit me, again, to show you how to make your sentences more crisp and concise. "Kevin's heavy swords glided through the mammoth's flesh, severing its head." You don't need "without resistance" when you use "glided", nor do you need "from the rest of its body"; the word "sever" helps me figure out the rest. And that's the beauty of using concrete verbs! You don't need half these adjectives and nouns when you use the right verbs. "Leviathan's head fell to the sand, his corpse collapsing behind him. Yet there was no blood in its body." Did the way I rewrite your sentences change any of the content? Not really. I said the same thing you did, but what you said in 63 words I found a way to say in 30.

He then saw the glyphs Yäk-Urik-Katör-Asheron-Ahd-Möt, a strong, expressive face, then blackness.

...I'm assuming this is something that will be or has already been explained elsewhere.

Zipora, with her eyes filled with tears, pleaded, "Kevin, please tell me you're okay," and placed her hands on his shoulders, after which he succumbed to his several injuries and fell to the ground, unconscious.

What mechana said about point of view.

Critique over. Sorry if it seemed a little rough. The English teacher in me doesn't come out to play often, and she is a harsh mistress. But I hope that by getting very specific critique, you now have some concrete ideas about how to improve your story.

Thank you, Yuki-Anne. This is what I needed.
I'll do a bit of an overhaul on it and re-post it when I'm done.
I might ask you for advice in the future.

A further note on the glided thing... don't use glided. Glided is just an awkward word in general and there are better words to describe cutting through something. I'm not even sure if thats the right tense since it's such an odd word.

It actually is correct, it's the past tense given by Miriam Webster. Though it is a weird word.

Also "The heavy blades of Kevin's swords glided through the mammoth animal's flesh without resistance," like Yuki mentioned, you use phrases redundantly at times, the fact that there is no resistance is generally implied by the fact that you said it glided. I suppose if you must make the fact more obvious you could say "he heavy blades of Kevin's swords glided easily through the mammoth animal's flesh"

As for the awkwardness of glided, a possible substitution would be coast(ed)- "move effortlessly; by force of gravity"

Edit: Also, I just want to point out, as others already have, the names Kevin and Tommy are not names that would have existed back then, assuming that, as you said in your book thread, this is taking place in the 1000's. Not only that, in my opinion, they are some of the most generic names you could have picked, aside from John and Jane Doe. Of course, don't go naming characters "Flowerchild Apple Moon Unit Diva Muffin Dweezil the 3rd", but amid all the exotic names of your other characters, naming your main character Kevin seems out of place. Maybe try and pick from names not listed on the "100 most popular baby names"

Or you could always try to make up names.

I'll take all of these into consideration.
Thank you all for your input.

Chronicler1701 wrote:All kinds of constructive criticism are welcome.

Okay, great, I've done some criticism stuff here before, maybe-

Be gentle.

Oh.

Haha!