CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

PostPosted: **Fri Mar 05, 2004 4:29 am**

The moon is falling, the sun is calling, Singing of the break of day...The Stars are shining, the Clouds are crying, weeping out wind and rain...The world is moving, but are we improving, for what we are is not what we say.
The Earth is turning, and the Soul is yearning, to speak what only hearts can say.

Wind and Rain, sorrow and pain, they are of an equal kinds... But if Rain is tears, and Sorrow is fears, then what will the Spirit unwind? For we are wrapped up merrily, in all the things we say, But how can the heart bare it, to lie and lie this way? I Went to seek Answers, and yet all I found were Questions.

Hope for the world, becuase no one else will. Take action to stop injustice, less it is allowed to continue. Seek God's will in all things, and never be afraid to speak to him. These are the words spoken by the heart, written by the soul, and dictated by God.

Zarn.

PostPosted: **Fri Mar 05, 2004 8:22 am**

I guess no one likes poetry..*pouts* Hey Ashley, could you move this to writing? Maybe I'll get alittle more love there than here...

PostPosted: **Fri Mar 05, 2004 8:29 am**

I'm not Ash (But I play one on... No wait. That doesn't work...) but I'll move it over there. Er, here. Anyway, I like it. I might have put "-Zarn" on a differnt line, as it could be misinterpreted how it sits now (not that I did, but someone could...)

PostPosted: **Fri Mar 05, 2004 9:53 am**

I am not the world's best poet or bard by any stretch. However, I have extensively studied by poetry and music, so I will formulate a calculated opinion. Remember, this is an opinion and critique only, meant to help and not harm.

Voted: Needs Improvement. Why?

Poetry is supposed to flow like water in a babbling creek. Each droplet gushed over one rock to the next, and followed its brother. Up and down, round and round, it all flowed the same.

Though you may not write like Shakespeare in Iambic Pantameter, the syllablels (line by line) should be kept as close to the same number for the themes you're scribbling. Yes, even free-verse un-rhyming poetry should follow this rule. It is what makes poetry poetry. Also, it dictates what the reader should pay attention to with the underlying coursing of the words.

Example:

The moon is falling, (5 syllables)

the sun is calling, (5)

Singing of the break of day... (8)

The Stars are shining, (5)

the Clouds are crying, (5)

weeping out wind and rain... (8)

For the most part, your poem does flow beautifully. Here are the lines which - in my opinion - need changing:

The world is moving, and but are we improving (Take out "and".)

the Soul is yurning, to speak what only the heart can say (Take out "the heart" and put in "hearts.)

For if Rain is tears, and Sorrow fears, then what will the Spirit unwind? (Remove "for".) (Add in "And Sorrow is fears".)

I sensed a change in rhythm toward the end of the poem: this dictated the minor mood change as well. Nicely done! It is very touching and a nice read.

One last thing: write poetry as if you are saying it aloud, not reading it from a book.

Cheers!

PostPosted: **Thu Apr 19, 2007 1:02 am**

This poem is still terrible, comparitively, but I see some of my writing still...hasn't changed, style wise.

I still mean every word though.

CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Words for the Universe....

Words for the Universe....