CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

LOL, okay so you won't die. I'm basically putting this one up so I won't be tempted to cheat and use it for the Writer's Guild. I wrote this one earlier in the year, so I swear I wasn't trying to rip you off, Esoteric. It's about a soccer player in the World Cup who finds his game interrupted in a rather fantastic way. It's not even 4K words, so it's not a big time commitment, right right?

I think the pacing is too brisk; feedback appreciated.

PDF attached.

I wrote this one earlier in the year, so I swear I wasn't trying to rip you off, Esoteric.

Oh Suuuuure. lol. Yeah, I've had that sort of thing happen to me before too. Impressively, the 'read or die' threat seems to have gotten you three other views relatively quickly this time.

The grammar is pretty well polished on this one. I read through twice and didn't catch any real mistakes.
[quote]The reporter continued smoothly, “We just want to ask you one question is all, Diego. And then we'll return everything to normal time flow and you'll be right back where you started. All right?â€

Wow, I'd never thought about that before - 'big' words in action scenes. You've given me something to think about. BTW, Boss is a sort of proper noun for soccer coaches in England. Thanks for reading (twice!), and apologies for the depressing endings. I am sort of depressed as of late, so maybe it's bleeding into the writing, but in general I don't usually do this. I promise my writer's guild one will have a happy ending, k?

EDIT: Darn, you're right! This makes three short stories with sad endings I've put on here. This was the first - http://www.christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=26172&highlight=impact

I liked your transition into his vision. The reader is experiencing a matrix-style pause and suddenly the character is too.

My Portuguese isn't the best, but his last words are something like "Satan... God help me," right?

Throughout the story you use good word choice to vary your terminology. It makes for an interesting read.

Thanks. Yup, your Portuguese is spot-on; that is, unfortunately, all I know of the language. :p

Godly Paladin wrote:I am sort of depressed as of late, so maybe it's bleeding into the writing, but in general I don't usually do this. I promise my writer's guild one will have a happy ending, k?

EDIT: Darn, you're right! This makes three short stories with sad endings I've put on here.

hehe, well don't feel like you have to force a happy ending. Just write what fits and I'm sure one will come along...eventually.

So I take it you consulted a Portuguese dictionary. That's an esoteric (sorry, Esoteric) last line. I don't understand what he means by it, although hearing what the inflection of his voice is would help.