Zion's Gift

[Kokhiri Sojourn]

I just sat down in the goof off section and this came out... I don't know if it is good or not, but tell me what you think. The title is definitely subject to change, but that's what first came to me. This is my first contribution to the writing section, and of course it'd have to be an unedited freewrite... just like me!!

Zion stands at the top of a hill
locked in an embrace, blushing -
Enmity lost, love for what is not...
Dark hair flowing, cast upon the earth
(vision downhill clearer than before)
wrapped in a scarlet robe, feeling...
Praise of righteousness, beauty -
Zion rests alone at the top of a
hill - waiting for her Lover's fruit...


Tell me what you think!

[Kokhiri Sojourn]

Anyone at all? Well, I'm really not liking the line in the parenthesis, so I think I may try and change it. Also, the conclusion is a bit odd... hmmm... what to do, what to do...

[Icarus]

I read this before and didn't post because I couldn't quite understand it. The line in parenthesis is a bit out of place. All I could say is expound. I'd like to see what you do with it.

Keep in mind when reading anything I say in critiques that I know next to nothing. I've found that helps immeasurably.

[ShiroiHikari]

Hmm, I think this could be really cool ^_^ (very elaborate critique, eh?)

[true_noir_chloe]

>>and of course it'd have to be an unedited freewrite... just like me!!

This was my favorite part. No, I'm joking, although I thought this was clever. Sorry I didn't comment earlier. I know nothing of poetry, but this one sounded fine. I didn't really understand it, but that could be because I know nothing of poetry.

[Kokhiri Sojourn]

Yeah, I've heard that basically every time I've written something. It's probably me being vague. Anyway, in my head, I see it more as symbolic images, or pictures. I don't know if I should entirely go into it and tell everything of what I want it to be, because I have never been able to instill in my writing as much meaning as I can think in my head when I see and write it. Confusing? Of course! Anyway, Zion is a girl/woman, and a symbol. She is "locked in an embrace" with herself, which I didn't specify, because she is cold. Also symbolic. Blushing - symbolic. Enmity - symbolic of Gen 3:15. There's a start. I don't know how to communicate all this though, in a relevant way. Maybe next time... *shrugs*