CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is copyright and original by yours truly... because im just that awesome... this is the first chapter of a book im writing ... please r&r thanks a lot ... its just in the infintile (sp?) stage umm i have about 5 more chapters to it but there is going to be more... this is gonna be a looong story ... i want to publish it and have all my friends get a copy because everyone that has read it said it was good but they have told me about some of the mistakes that i made on it... but yeah im glad so that is y it is the way it is now.
Soo to improve it even more ... R&R please ... my english teacher is doing it too!


The Perfect Hope
By Heather Duenas
Part One

Chapter 1

Sunday night...
She was at this moment sitting with the most important people in her life talking about whatever they thought of in Brittany’s smoky living room with alcohol bottles strewn about on the floor beside them.
A few weeks ago before she turned 18 she would have been at church right now.
But she was now officially considered an adult and had no worries about church and she was not going to go back there either.
She had grown up in the church, but she hated it now.
All they did was tell everyone how bad of a person she was, and how to live her life.
No more church, no more preaching, no more parents, and no more worries.
Trying to be a Christian, she thought, was no fun.
All they did was have rules and be hypocrites, one way at church and another at home, or with friends.
Those that she did look up to when she was younger had always let her down.
It was so stupid, she had learned all about God and now that she was considered emancipated she wouldn’t have to worry about trying it again.
Religion is something that causes fights and arguments, so what is the point?
I mean aren’t they supposed to promote peace and harmony?
How Jessica saw it was, if she wanted to be in a religion such as Christianity, she would have to be perfect, and she knew she couldn’t, and that she would mess up all of the time as she had before, so she just decided to stop trying.
It’s easier this way anyways she could do her own thing without worrying about their judgment.
She didn’t need God.
Her boyfriend of two years, Robert, that she is living with now, was all she needed, well, that and her best friend Kaity.
They always stayed together.
The only time they were apart was when Jake, Kaity’s boyfriend of 3 months, wanted some alone time with Kaity, or when Robert wanted to be with her.
After all they had known each other for about 5 years now, after meeting each other in middle school, they hit it off and were best friends instantly.
That had to be one of her happiest memories that she could and would ever want to think about.
Everything else she tried to block out because the were much to tainted from horrible memories that plagued her like some sort of disease, eating her alive from the inside out and decaying what hope she had left.

"Religion is something that causes fights and arguments, so what is the point?"

It seems to me like that should be past tense, but I may be wrong.

Well i was thinking of putting it as past tense but like it still today causes arguments ... like the muslims and stuff ... nothing against muslims they need Jesus too but i was using it as an example... so that is why i said it as i did

Chapter 1

Sunday night... Instead of just listing the time, you might try to work it into the setting.
She was at this moment sitting with the most important people in her life talking about whatever they thought of dangling preposition in Brittany’s smoky living room with alcohol bottles strewn about on the floor beside them.
A few weeks ago before she turned 18 she would have been at church right now I would reword this sentence because it leaves her birthday ambiguous.
But she was now officially considered an adult and had no worries about church and she was not going to go back there either. Since this is still narrative and not dialogue, I would shy away from using a conversational tone. You might reword it to say: But she was now officially considered an adult, and had no worries about church; she was not about to return there.
She had grown up in the church, but she hated it now.
All they did was tell everyone how bad of a person she was, and how to live her life.
No more church, no more preaching, no more parents, and no more worries fragment.
Trying to be a Christian, she thought, was no fun.
All they did was have rules and be hypocrites, one way at church and another at home,I would omit this comma or with friends.
Those that she did look up to dangling preposition when she was younger had always let her down.
It was so stupid, she had learned all about God and now that she was considered emancipated she wouldn’t have to worry about trying it again Since you are transitioning into her direct thoughts here, you should probably italicize it. In general, your line between the narration and her thoughts is a bit blurred, which is probably not a good thing.
Religion is something that causes fights and arguments, so what is the point?
I mean aren’t they supposed to promote peace and harmony?
How Jessica saw it was, if she wanted to be in a religion such as Christianity, she would have to be perfect, and she knew she couldn’t, and that she would mess up all of the time as she had before, so she just decided to stop trying.
It’s easier this way anyways she could do her own thing without worrying about their judgment run-on.
She didn’t need God.
Her boyfriend of two years, Robert, that she is living with dangling preposition now, was all she needed, well, that and her best friend Kaity cool spelling of that name.
They always stayed together.
The only time they were apart was when Jake, Kaity’s boyfriend of 3 months, wanted some alone time with Kaity, or when Robert wanted to be with her. What about Brittany?
After allA comma would be good here. they had known each other for about 5 years now, after meeting each other in middle school, they hit it off and were best friends instantly I would break this into two sentences.
That had to be one of her happiest memories that she could and would ever want to think about This sentence is awkward.
Everything else she tried to block out because the were much toThis should have two o's. tainted from horrible memories that plagued her like some sort of disease, eating her alive from the inside out and decaying what hope she had left.

Your premise feels rather cliché, but you might still be able to make it work. Some questions to consider would be:
Who is my target audience?
What am I trying to accomplish by writing this?
How will this glorify God?

I agree with the what AM said about this feeling cliche. Personally, I think (with where it seems like you're going with this story) that it might be better to tell it from the character's point of view (including the character's beliefs) rather than immediately correcting your character, because it feels like you're criticizing this person you just made as if they were only made to be criticized.

I am personally a big fan of the first person narrative. And if you can actually get into what your character believes instead of what you believe, the story will sound less like a mass-produced Sunday school lesson and more like the compelling narrative I would bet you want it to be.

Oh and FYI, I am personally of the belief that fragments can sometimes be considered acceptable in writing.

Dunedan wrote:I am personally a big fan of the first person narrative. And if you can actually get into what your character believes instead of what you believe, the story will sound less like a mass-produced Sunday school lesson and more like the compelling narrative I would bet you want it to be.

I am horrible at first person lol but thank you all for the critiques ... i am going to work on it later when i have time ... my english teacher i told yall about has written a book so i know she can help me more after i fix it anyways thanks!

Any better? I am going to try to get it in first person to see how i like it then ill post it like that but until then this is all i got... i know theres prolly a lot more wrong with this ... honestly i dont understand how to make it un- cliche because first of all i have no idea what the word really means can someone explain what they mean by that and how to fix it?


On this damp and bleak night of October, with leaves scattered around and the fragrance of rain in the air, a well sized brick home sits on the corner of 5th and Main Street.
A beautiful, spirited, young woman was sitting there with her friend Kaity and boyfriend Robert in the spacious, smoke filled, lavishly furnished living room of Kaity’s house.
About five days ago on the 17th she had turned 18 and was so grateful because this time last week she was in church, just sitting there with nothing else that she could do because her parents insisted that she went.
But she was now officially considered an adult and had no worries about church and she was not going to go back there either.
She had grown up in the church, but she hated it now, she thought about it for some time and had come to the conclusion that all they did was tell her how to live her life and what she should do.
All they knew was how to make rules that they themselves couldn’t even keep and try to play the “fakeâ€

I think this version is better... the formatting is a little cramped, but it's written better.

What is meant by the cliche comments. I believe, is this: there have been hundreds of Christian writers that have written stories that sound almost exactly like this story in premise. That premise seems to be that the woman who turned away from church will find more pain and eventually turn back to Jesus. That's how stories like this usually go.

Sure, details can change... for instance, maybe she falls in love with a Christian guy, or maybe her parents come back for her. Maybe Kaity and Robert bring her to a lower place than she wanted to go, and it's a wake-up call. But the story just reeks of the prodigal-son rewrite.

Another cliched side of the story is the "those Christians are fakes" phrase. It's very tired, very old opinion. I'm sure you mean to amend it in your story, but so has every other Christian author.

I don't think you have to go to first person, that was just a suggestion. If you work better with third person, you should write in third person. It might help you just to write a little in first person to get you in touch with your characters.

I might be being hasty to say that your work feels cliched, too. You could do something very different with the rest of the story from here. Maybe chapter two involves aliens. Just make sure you like what you're doing first, don't write it while making sure you don't challenge any of your own beliefs or anyone else's... because that above all will make it cliched. Be honest with your characters and they will stick out to people.

Anyways, good luck.

I myself like your story...I'm eager to read more....