CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

[EDIT]I'm attaching a document containing everything I've posted of the story so far to this post. It just makes it easier if you missed something to find it without searching through all the pages.
It's a .doc document, so if anyone actually wants to read it but doesn't have Microsoft Word, please let me know: I'll attach a rtf format version for you.
Document up to date as of: 3rd July 2007[/EDIT]


I added the 'new' to the title since I'd made another thread for my shifters story... however this is a new start using the main elements of the other idea but with a lot of changes to plot, locations, etc. I haven't yet finished it, but I've already written quite a lot.
Posted because Felix asked. ^_^ Please tell me what you think.
Constructive criticism is welcome though please temper it with kind words.

Chapter One, Part One

As quickly as it had overwhelmed him, the condescending chatter of his teacher and classmates wove into the distance and vanished. Yet still he couldn’t bear to open his eyes. For a long time he lingered in that darkness; his eyes closed, his hands over his face and his chest pulled in close to his body as he tried to shut out what was happening.

‘Somewhere safe,’ he thought furiously. ‘I’m somewhere safe… with trees… and forests… a clear, cloudless sky, and lots of sunshine. Where there is no one else; no one at all…’This thought rolled around and around in his head, and even as he continued to add more details to his mental list (dew-studded grass, laden fruit trees…) certain feelings, sounds and smells came to his attention. They were ones he knew, he really, really knew would not be found in a schoolyard. Then he noticed that he was no longer lying on his side. Instead he was sitting –sitting on a ground completely unlike rough, solid concrete. It was something softer, something firm and yet cushiony. And all around him, there was a sighing, rustling sound.

Not too far away he heard a snort like a dog sneezing, and there was a loud thudda thudda as something stepped forward a few paces. It was this that finally made him open his eyes and, after a frightened minute, spread his fingers apart so that he could see through them.

A sudden change had come over the world. Instead of the stern painted lines running across his school courtyard, there was a field of long, swaying grass that bent and rippled as a cool breeze blew through. Terrified (and yet slightly comforted by the beauty of the place) he let his hands fall completely away. As his fingers swept by on their path down his face, something else came into view.

He could only stare. But the creature (whatever it was), completely ignored him. It just flicked one of its long, rabbit-like ears before clomping another step forward to nip at a different patch of grass. Such a creature –with huge ears, three toes, a long, dog-like face, and a strange tail that sat on its rear like a streaming puff of smoke –such a creature could not exist. And certainly the whole herd of similar creatures sprinkled across the forest-hedged field before him couldn’t possibly be real.

As this thought registered, Zack jumped to his feet and backed away. At his movement the strange, yet friendly looking beast blinked at him softly, then turned back to eating.

‘I’m not here,’ Zack told himself furiously. The numbing agony of the last ‘normal’ moments before his arrival in this strange land was temporarily forgotten. ‘I’m not in a field -which is not surrounded by trees. There is not some rabbit-llama creature standing in front of me…I’m at school. I’m on the pavement with…’ and here he finally remembered what he’d just been through. The arrival of this piece of memory hit him like a physical blow. Without even realising what he was doing he had collapsed into a loose sitting position. His eyes were fixed firmly in front of him, and they continued to stare unseeingly.

‘No,’ he finally thought softly, ‘I’m here. Not there. Nothing… no, nothing can take me back there.' His eyes trailed back to the ground, where they stared blankly as he tried once more to forget.
“I don’t know if I’m going mental,â€

I remember this...well in name anyway. The opening is very different from what I remember, but it's good, actually even better.

As far as criticisms...I'm really wanting to know what had just happened at the school yard to make him so afraid of returning. When he suddenly remembered and it 'hit him like a physical blow', it would've been nice if the events had then been related to us. As it is, I'm left to wonder what had been so dreadful that Zack prefered to remain in an unknown land surrounded by alien creatures.

But i'm definitely interested in reading more. Keep writing!

Thank you. ^_^
In regards to the lack of details about the school yard scene, it's a mystery that I'm planning to reveal later on. So I think the lack of details in that department might be justified.

Yes, it's a complete rewrite of the old story. Or rather, more of a total rewrite of the plot and everything. I've tried quite a few different starts on this one story idea, but this is the one I'm sticking with. ^_^"

Thank you for the feedback, Eso. ^^

Chapter One, Part 2

Appearing from nothing, a glint of light caught his attention. He rolled his head to the side to stare at it unemotionally. It hung in the air like a leaf on an invisible thread: a cluster of silver, twinkling, dancing lights. Zack’s emotionless state quickly slipped by as fear and apprehension shot through him like a bolt. He scrabbled with his legs and arms, trying to stand up; but before he could change to a better position the lights burst apart in a glittery, noiseless fireworks display. In the middle of them something blinked into existence.
It was a girl.

Nothing was making sense. Why had he suddenly found himself here? What on earth were those strange creatures nearby? And now… who was she? How had she just appeared like that? Even worse… what was she? He felt like bolting from the scene, but instead stayed still –trapped by uncertainty.

The girl, who appeared about fourteen, looked around briefly. Then her deep blue eyes stopped on him. He felt the hair on the back of his neck go up as her eyes locked on his. All at once her eyes seemed to harden, and her lips twitched upwards in a wry smile.

“I wondered when you’d arrive. How long have you been searching? And by that, I mean altogether.â€

Hmmmm, much is happening! I really like the opening paragraph. Very nice, very visual.
A few of my comments may or may not be relevant depending on more information later in the story. As it is, here are a few things that's caught my attention.

He felt like bolting from the scene, but instead stayed still –trapped by a horrible sense of curiosity.

Reading this, I imediately thought to myself that curiosity maybe isn't the best explanation. Based on Zack's behavior so far, indecision or the realization that there's really no place to run to, would be more likely culprits for this course of action.
[quote]“Me?â€

Ah! You're putting this up again! ^_^ Yay, thanks!

Man... this is just so awesome so far. I loved the version I read, but this one is evern better! I don't think there's really enough good things I can say about it, especially since I'm not one to go heavy on criticism. Well, there isn't much I could criticize, even if I wanted to... but enough rambling!

I love this first chapter. It's really drawing me into the world - what we know of it so far - in a very fresh and well-paced way. And the diologue and descriptions are genius ^_^

It really captures that magical feeling that a fantasy world is supposed to have, kinda like the feeling when you're about to go out on abig adventure. It takes great storytelling and writing skills to really create that magical sense about a world that makes you want to dive in and explore it, and you have that in spades.
Wonderful job so far! I can't wait to read more ^_^

Thank you both so much, Eso and Felix. Your comments are really encouraging. ^_^

And Eso, I appreciate the pointers; I wondered about changing a few of those myself, and now that you've pointed them out, I'll go ahead and correct them (in bold, and maybe a different color too since I use bolding as part of my writing style ) in the post (and on my own computer copy ). Others, such as why she felt sad while looking at the deer, etc, are part of what will be explained. But she's being sarcastic when she refers to them as being 'deformed deer', as well. ^_^

As for the avi, I think the crab is winning too. You're the second person to tell me that the crab looks like its winning. But then again... when Muffin the Monket gets hungry enough, I doubt the crab will stay around for long.
I'm glad you like my new avatar! ^_^

Gracias! And I'll get around to editing and posting more of what I've written (as well as writing more on the story

Thanks again. ^_^

Here we go, Felix! ^^



Chapter Two


“So…â€

Pulled back? Ooo, I have a bad feeling... Nice! Not to too much to say about this segment. I like Zack's disorientation, it's really good especially with the shifting and then the pull back, but I would avoid having him seem distant and incoherant for too much longer. The audience (okay, me) really wants to get to know more about him. It's hard though, when he says and does so little.

His mind, which had seemingly recovered from the abrupt change of place, stopped and started to pound.

His mind stopped and started to pound? Hmmm My mind stops when trying to understand that sentence!
Poor Zack, I have a feeling he's about to revisit his 'not so happy' place.

Oooh, maybe he's shifting to another world? maybe not. Can't wait to see =] I really like this segment. The diologue is great ^^ You do a great job of making the world(s) seem unique and neat, but totally normal at the same time (not quite sure what I mean by that, but hopefully you get it.)

Wow. I really think you have something going here. You've done a great job with the descriptions.

I'm looking forward to reading more.

His mind stopped and started to pound? Hmmm My mind stops when trying to understand that sentence!

Whoops! Guess I should change that to 'his mind stopped and his head started to pound'? o_O?

Danke, Felix! Glad you found the world descriptions to your liking. ^_^ They're not really too different from anything on earth... yet.

Gracias, Aileen. ^^ I'm glad you like it and the descriptions too. I will try to keep it up! *o*/

Will post more tomorrow, if everything goes according to plan. ^_^ I need to actually write some new stuff on the story. At the moment I'm posting what I've edited. ^_^" Hope I don't catch up to where I'm currently at too quickly. XP

How about "His mind froze, then began to pound"? ^^; Just a suggestion. It doesn't seem too odd to me the way it is now.

You're welcome ^_^ Well what I mean is that you make the world's seem kinda normal, but like there's tons of stuff to see and explore in them, even if they are Earth-like. I guess it's like they're hiding a lot of secrets or something ^^;
Okay, good luck writing some more!

Whoops! Guess I should change that to 'his mind stopped and his head started to pound'? o_O?

Yes, something along those lines would be better. I was pretty sure I knew what you meant to say, but it could've been said more clearly. ^^

*notices there is now a spell check function in the reply form. Wow.*

That's cool. ^_^ I'll edit it to that, then. It sounds good.
...There's now a spell check function in the reply form? o_O Wow. That's cool!

Now for more story postage. And I'm not talking about stamps. (Yes, a lame joke, I know. )

Chapter Three


“Dad!â€

Yay, more story! But what happened to Zack? Where did he go? I guess I'll just have to wait to find out...

The part with him being attacked by the monket was pretty funny.

Heh heh, thanks. ^_^ I like a little bit of unusual action in my stories.

Will probably post some more later today/early tomorrow. ^_^ Gracias for reading!

...There's now a spell check function in the reply form? o_O Wow. That's cool!

It's either that or something's been added to my browser (I just upgraded firefox). If no one else experiences this, then I must just be me...

A monket?! Well, I guess we know which planet you come from now. JK!! Hehe, that was a nifty touch.

Thank you. Yeah... had to put the monket in one of my stories somewhere. XD

I haven't seen the spell check function yet, but perhaps I'm not looking hard enough.

This next part... well, I think some of it could be unnecessary to the plot. ^_^" But ah well; see what you think. Once I've finished writing the whole thing, then I'll look back and decide what should be added/subtracted from it.

Chapter Four


Zack stopped and just gaped in amazement. It was a house –not just some tatty, thrown-together structure that would hardly last the year… it was a full blown island hut, woven together with flax walls and insulated with a layer of husky brown fibre. Its windows were perfect, square openings with a thin ridge of wood around the edges and horizontal ledges inside, where you could lean your elbows while you admired the view.
And what a view! Somehow, out of all those trees, had appeared another clearing. One with a beach. Its sand was no mere yellow, it was a pure, glistening white; swirled through with black, glittering specks of iron and glinting with chunks of something like gold. Zack’s gaze switched from the house, to the beach and then back again. He couldn’t decide which astounded him more: the beauty of the beach or the fact that there was a house, a symbol of civilisation, amongst all this untamed wilderness.

For a long time Chase totally ignored him. However the monket, which was now scurrying around trying to keep out of her way, suddenly turned towards him, stared at him for a long moment, and then flung itself towards him with an ‘eee!’ of delight. This time, slightly more prepared, he managed to catch it in midair. It blinked blankly at him as he held it away from him with rigid, outstretched arms.
Then, with a happy cry, it wiggled its arms up and down until it squirmed out of his hold and jumped towards him. Immediately it wrapped its hands around his neck and stayed there at his chest, purring joyfully.
Rolling his eyes, Zack put his hands around it in awkward embrace, and let it be. He didn’t need the added hassle of trying to deal with this creature. His brain was already trying to sort through other issues.

Chase, striding from place to place with a single-minded frown, would at odd times, totally disappear. Just like that, she’d go from a purposeful stride across the beach, gathering driftwood, to sudden non-existence. And then a few seconds later she’d walk out from behind a tree; one she couldn’t possibly have been behind. In her hands she’d be holding an extra piece of wood, and would swing it onto the growing pile in front of the house.
It happened so often that in the end, Zack accepted it. He decided it was just one of the weird quirks of this imaginary world of his. Seating himself on a sand-sprinkled log, he waited for the purple-haired girl to notice him again.

Returning for the umpteenth time, Chase chucked yet another scrap of wood upon the pile. This time, however, she didn’t suddenly disappear off to who knew where. Instead, she stared at the wood thoughtfully, put her head on one side, and then raised an eyebrow in Zack’s direction.

“What do you want?â€

(continued from last post)

“…Chase,â€

AHH! Monket!! XD I love the Monket. That scene was great. At first I thought that maybe it was Fly from the version of the story I read, hehe ^^;;

Anyway, this is awesome! Your conversations and diologue are really the best. They're clever and engaging and a lot of fun to read. I'm really intrigued by Chase's shifting abilities. Great work! I hope I get to read more soon ^_^

Good, good, always good to read more! I like the extensive 'shifting' used by Chase. The fire was particularly unexpected.
[quote]He nodded, digesting this information. Then, “Muffin?â€

Ah well. Maybe no spellcheck update... unless I need to upgrade my version of Firefox? o_O *Is unsure*

I'll go back and clarify that. Thanks for pointing that out, Eso. ^_^

Hehe! Glad you liked the monket part, felix. Nope, it wasn't Fly... but I'm planning on bringing her into the story at some point. I like her character: especially how she dotes on humans so much. XD Also, thank you for the encouragment on the dialogue. Dialogue sometimes seems to take up too much of the story... so I'm glad that it read well. I don't like dialogue-extensive scenes and try to avoid them where I can. However, doing this story in a way that no one speaks is out of the question, too.

All righty: I'll post the next part (and actually write some more newer stuff. I've put that off over the last day or two). Here we go!


Chapter Five

Finishing her mouthful, she stole a look at him. He caught her eye, and she looked away. A little while later she looked back, and caught his eye once more. This time she didn’t shift her gaze.
“Whatever your name is,â€

\o.o/ More chapters!

You really are doing a good job with dialogue. And I like how Zack is still telling himself it's all a dream.

I had a question on one part, though.

[quote] “What do you mean?â€

Chase is cutting Zack off mid-sentence, right? I could be wrong, but don't ellipses usually signal someone trailing off?

Hmmm. I'm not sure either. *picks up grammar book and reads* Well, according to the 4th edition of the Bedford Handbook for Writers, ellipsis are correct in this situation. But I've seen it done both ways, and I don't think it matters too much for us amateurs.

Well, according to the 4th edition of the Bedford Handbook for Writers, ellipsis are correct in this situation.

Ah. Well, you learn something new everyday.

Hmm... that would probably work better, but at the moment I'm tired and don't want to change it. ^_^" Thanks for the suggestion though, Aileen; I think that's a better way to create the same effect. Yes, the '...' ellipses make it seem more like the person is trailing off.

And sorry for my absence: CAA going down, as well as tiredness and other people using the internet among my family have made posting on every thread I want to on CAA not possible. ^_^" Well, here we go. Next chapter. ^^
...Oh man! Somehow I deleted the edited version I was doing for my story! XO I've still got the full version which I add too... but it's so annoying to lose what I've already edited. *Sigh* Ah well. If I make any errors in the following chapter, please forgive me. I'm still kinda tired. ^_^"


Chapter Five (continued)

As his fingers tightened around her hand, a strange feeling came over him. He looked around, and somehow his surroundings had become even stranger. He could still see the monket ‘Muffin’, and the beach and tangled forest too… but they looked as if they were ready to slip away. Every time he turned his head, he felt as though the world moved further away from him.

“Right now,â€

Hehe, Chase could've picked something safer than lava for Zack's first try! There was some confusion in my mind at first as to who was doing the imagining, since it focused more on her description than his visualization of the place. But after rereading, I figured out what was going on.

Haha, yup. Definitely wasn't thinking too sensibly when she chose a lava pit.

Thanks for letting me know about the confusion; I'll try to make a note to reread it and clear the issues up. For now, though, I feel a little blah about editing. ^_^" However, the tips and things you point out are excellent, and will be of great help when I (re)edit. ^_^ Thank you for all the constructive criticism.

Wow, great job! I absolutely love the world changing, it's so alive and descriptive and I can really imagine it clearly ^_^
Don't worry, it wasn't confusing to me, I really liked this section! Keep it up =]
I hope you feel less blah and more authorish soon ^^/

Hehe, thanks. 'Less blah and more authorish' -I like that.
I'm glad you liked the last part. ^_^

Chapter Six

Chase kicked her feet as they sat together, perched on the edge of safety and the yawning canyon below. The rift belched up regular blasts of heat and smoke.

“How’d you like to try getting us home?â€

Thanks for letting me know about the confusion; I'll try to make a note to reread it and clear the issues up. For now, though, I feel a little blah about editing.

Yes, I certainly understand about editing...( ack--that was the last thing I've wanted to do lately, and I had to force myself!) I'm glad you find my comments helpful, and please don't ever think I'm being critical of your story. I'm enjoying it very much! But I do try to be honest with feedback, (perhaps too honest sometimes) and will forget to point out good elements in addition to the bad. It's a bad habit of mine.
That said, Zach's confident attitude is a very pleasant change. He's finally starting to get used to this whole shifting business, which is good considering how much of it the story involves! Yay, keeping writing Soph!