(No name yet)

[Nami]

Ok, well I don't know if anyone will like it.. but I like it.. it.. it doesn't have anything about God.. which I am thinking about changing.. but.. I don't want to yet.. but if you all like this.. Then Perhaps more chapters will appear..


Chapter 1: Kidnapped To Japan

Shiun walked slowly shifting her backpack uncomfortably, It's so dark! And these streets don't have lights! she groaned What's wrong with people.. Shiun glanced nervously at the dark houses that loomed over her, They look friendlier durung the day.. She heard the crunch of gravel. At first she didn't think much about it, but then she saw someone step out in front of her and block her path. Shiun decided to go around him and trying to keep the fear that dared to boil over down. It's ok Shiun It's just someone walking at 6:30 in the morning!! Suddenly three people can out from their hiding spots, they surrounded her. Shiun froze, they got closer. One pulled something out from under his coat. She couldn't make out what it was in the darkness of the morning. One of the men grabbed her arm and Shiun let out a scream. A hand covered her mouth, the hand stank of cigarrette smoke. The man who had pulled something from his coat walked up and all went black.
Shiun awoke "Where.. where am I?" she was suddenly aware of the fresh cigarrette smoke, she coughed, she had never liked the smell of that stuff. "Ah, your awake" she heard a deep gruff voice that was slightly muffled by something in the persons mouth. "Where am I and what have you done" she tried to sound aggressive but it came out as a squeak, The man sucked in a breath of the ciggerrete smoke, he blew it out into the air. Shiun coughed more, the man laughed evily "You are very pathetic child, Boss told us not ta tell ya anything.. Because.." he paused to take another puff of the cigerrette. "You might be as smart as your old man" Shiun blinked in confusion "Wha? have you ever seen my report cards?" she asked in disbelief. It just hit her that this room was so dark she couldn't even see her own hand in front of her face, all she could see was the cigerrette light.
He bent down and looked her in the face, Shiun could scarcely see him. "I don't trust you" he growled and stood up and took another puff of cigerrette smoke, Shiun coughed and felt herself growing dizzy. "I hate that smell! It's disgusting!" was all she could say before she went unconscious.
Something woke her from her unconsciousness.. (No this is not the end of the chapter.., just I have stuff to do.. sorry guys)

[Sakura15]

Very good sis, the only thing that popped out at me was this.

Walking down the dark street, Shiun walked slowly shifting her backpack uncomfortably,

You already stated that she was walking, so you might want to change this.

[TurkishMonky]

good intro!
just a few formatting things i saw -
paragraphs are easier to read when they have a space between them
and every new voice ("quoted dialouge") requires a new paragraph.
besides this, it's a great start.

keep it up

[Nami]

Heh.. I am not much for all those paragraphs and stuff.. I need an editor lol! Thank you very much

Thank you too sis

[girlninja]

Looks good Nami ^^ The only thing I saw was when you put that someone stepped out in front of you and blocked your path, to put blocked the person's path isn't necessary as it is understood. But other then that it's good ^^ Keep writing!

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Good stuff Nami! Besides the help others have provided I feel there isn't enough time between when she is surrounded, blacks out and then wakes up. It seems a bit rushed. Fill in the details a little more. Keep up the good work mate!

[Nami]

Thanks guys.. Sorry I have been lazy about putting more and fixing it.. I haven't got much time anymore..