Juggling Plums, ops needed on style

[true_noir_chloe]

Hi. I'm working on a youth fiction piece titled, "Juggling Plums." I just liked the name. I'm not sure if this will become a novel or short story. This is definitely a work in progress - which means there will be errors.

I've used a different style for experimentation. Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think of the rotating voices. Thanks.

Juggling Plums


Juggling was easy. Getting the plum juice out from under the refrigerator would be difficult. Explaining to my mother why the floor is sticky would be a whole other problem entirely. But, I could handle it. I handled many things while mom was at work and I was the full-time freebie baby-sitter for my little brother.
“I saw what you did.â€

[true_noir_chloe]

(cont.)
Glory speaking:
The doorbell rang. Short and irritating one was out back, so I went to answer the door. I looked out the peep hole. The eyes were blue, the hair brown and the smile spectacular. A hotty was just outside my door.
I opened, not too fast; I didn’t want to seem desperate.
“Hello,â€

[true_noir_chloe]

(more cont.) This is longer than I thought it would be.

Henry speaking:
I would have to get out my notebook and jot down the facts of the newfound treasure I had stumbled upon on my dig. This was a find of tremendous proportion. This root was possibly bigger than any sequoia.
I brushed dirt of my jeans and would wash my hands in the kitchen sink. I wasn’t very muddy and the wind had picked up outside, so I’m sure rain would be here soon. I needed to grab the measuring tape and then measure the section I had dug out before it started to rain.
Glory stood at the foot of the refrigerator when I walked in through the back kitchen patio door. She was staring at the refrigerator.
“Is this some new ritual, before you open the refrigerator and find which fruit will be sacrificed, Glo-ry?â€

[EireWolf]

Cool, a tree-haunting... I like the story a lot! I think you have Glory's "voice" down really well, and she acts like a teenager. The only critique I would have is that Henry doesn't really sound like a 9-yr-old. Besides that, it's really good! I like the rotating voices, but you'll probably have to come up with a cleaner way of switching them (without saying, "Glory speaking" and "Henry speaking"). I've played with the idea of rotating voices for a story of mine, and I've thought to alternate chapters, but the sections in this story aren't really long enough for chapters. Asterisks, maybe?

[true_noir_chloe]

Thanks EireWolf. Schwoo! I need to figure this one out. It might take a few days. I may end up on Glory being the only speaker, but if not - um... how do you do the asterisk thing?
I agree with the chapter break being the most plausible; James McBride did this in his book, The Color of Water, and it flowed very well.(pun ^-^).
I'll play around with things. Oh, what if Henry was 11? He talks somewhat like my daughter who wants to be an archaeologist. Something to think about.


Thanks again.

[ShiroiHikari]

This is cool ^^ Your stories are kinda charming :] I'd comment about the voices and stuff but EireWolf kinda took the words out of my mouth ^^;

[true_noir_chloe]

Thanks Shiroi-Hikari. You have a new avatar again, huh? I like.

[EireWolf]

how do you do the asterisk thing?

Oh, I just meant that if there's a chance of scene or some other kind of break in the story, many authors will separate the sections with asterisks or something similar.

* * * * *

Now this is a new scene, but the sections aren't long enough to warrant a full chapter.

* * * * *

As for Henry being 11 instead of 9... I guess I don't really know any kids well enough to know. Did your daughter talk this way when she was 9 too? My guess is that you'd know a lot better than me on that count. I don't really even remember being 9 or 11. hehe

[true_noir_chloe]

Thanks EireWolf. My daughter reads a lot and that could be why she sounds mature. Her friends, also avid readers and sixth graders, sound more like adults than she does. So, I'm going to rewrite and tone him down, but probably keep him literate. Ugh! He needs to be more like a young boy, not a girl (They're quicker with stuff.).

Yeah, the asterisk thing. After I left the boards I remembered what that was.

* * *

I've used it before.

Thanks for your help.

[EireWolf]

[Mimichan]

I love this story!! It's so creative

Any suggestions I might have had were already covered by Eirewolf..so all I can say is Sugoi sugoi!!

by the way: Don't tell her I told you this, but Eirewolf ? *whispers* She's not really a wolf. I saw her wedding pictures on Oldphil's website, which is how I found out.