I'm writing a story, and I'm nervous.

[Icarus]

I like Ralda, the way that she talks. What Whiteblaze said is true. Her hand hitting the table with no previous emotion expressed is a bit strange. It could, however, be argued that witnessing the crimes Ralda tells over years might have a numbing effect. It's your call.

Something I noticed while rereading, this segment: You should have no trouble finding one with that's not deaf.

PMing comments? Hmm...

[Kesshin]

Sorry about the deaf comment, Icarus. I didn't mean anything by it. I'll go edit if it offends you. And about Ralda, well maybe she's lying, maybe she's not. ^^ You'll just have to see.
This next installment's for Chloe who suggested I add more character development. Here's to you, Chloe.
This story's copyrighted by Kesshin, 2003.

Installment IX
The first thing in the morning, Ralda was up and enthusiastically discussing her plans with Laowra. But all her spare time was spent talking to Kern. They sat in the Main Room, giggling hysterically. Pen lay spread-eagled on her bed in the Sick Room, trying to block out the sound of their laughter. She stuffed pillows against her ears and hummed, but to no avail. ‘What do I care what he does?’ she told herself. ‘He’s a cold little sourpuss, not exactly my type.’
‘But he saved your life’
‘True. I’m grateful, and I like him, but that doesn’t mean...’
‘Maybe it does.’
Her grandmother had told her it was okay to have arguments with yourself, as long as you didn’t lose. But somehow she had the feeling she had lost.
Eventually the giggling became too much for Pen. She walked out of the Sick Room through the back doors. Outside there was a little second-floor patio with hanging plants and a few chairs. She threw herself into one. The busy street below blurred as tears flowed down her face. Someone behind her handed her a tissue. She didn’t use it.
“What’s this for?â€

[Retten]

Good one I am really liking it so far the development of the storie is going nicely oh and the Roman Numeral is IX

[true_noir_chloe]

I really liked your first half of this installment. *thumbs up on the dialogue*

[Icarus]

No, no, no. It didn't offend. The arrangements of the words is what I meant. "With" should have been some two words back, is all. Good section.

[Kesshin]

Whiteblaze: Thanks for the Rioman numeral.
Chloe: Glad you liked it. ^^
Icarus: Oh, I see. It was a typo. I fixed it. Thanks. ^^
I will post my next installment tomorrow.

[Kesshin]

Here you go, the next installment.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Installment X
Two days later, they had the information they needed, and Team B prepared to leave. Laowra showed them their rag-tag collection of weapons and armor, and Kern explained how every firearm worked.
“This,â€

[Icarus]

A fun little section. Thank you for posting.

[Kesshin]

Thank you for reading. ^^
The next installment I will be posting has some action in it. ( But don't worry, Chloe, it's relevant to the story line.) I'll be posting it tomorrow.

[Lochaber Axe]

I haven't commented on your story for quite some time now. The image of Pen, Kern, and Ralda in battle armor is quite humorous to me. The guns themselves probably weigh twice as much as they do.

And now finally some action! I am kidding of course.

[Kesshin]

I'm glad I could amuse you.
Here's the next installment.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Installment XI
Traveling through the desert was agony. The sunscreen kept their faces from being fried, but it didn’t stop the heat from burning their flesh. Grit got into eyes and ears, and any other unprotected place. Pen tapped Sharon on the shoulder.
“How much longer?â€

[true_noir_chloe]

I love action, Kesshin. I just don't like unnecessary action - tossed in because people don't want to deal with developing characters. Why'd you say sorry? 0_o Please don't be.

^_^ Nice section. This is a necessary action section and I like it. *thumbs up* However, slow down and go over this part again, and let it flow a little easier. Make sure to break it up and let us know who's speaking, and when. I'm still confused as to who is Laowra, Sharon and Sheila. Is Laowra the tough one? Is Sharon the boss of the group? Maybe I'm just slow, and I've gotten lost somewhere. And, think about when you later edit to go back and show why Pen is suddenly a capable fighter. Also, try to develop Kern and Pen's relationship a bit more so that we can give reason to why she's jealous of Ralda. I honestly don't know a thing about Ralda and I would have loved to see just a small section of her interacting with someone, just to read her a little better.

But please, take my comments with a grain of salt and write on. You've got a good story developing here.^_^

[Kesshin]

Thanks for your two cents, Chloe. As always, it's appreciated. ^^
In case you're confused as to who's who, this should clear things up. (Yes, I know my story should speak for itself, and I will go edit it, but for now I'm posting this little guide.)
Sheila: tough girl, second in command, paranoid about aliens.
Laowra: leader, rational thinker, wise beyond her years.
Sharon: Sheila's younger sister, gentle, R.N.(registered nurse).
As to Ralda's personality, don't worry. She'll get her moment in the spotlight in a while. ^^ And as usual, I will be posting more tomorrow.

[true_noir_chloe]

Thanks for clearing that up for me, Kesshin.

[Kesshin]

Sure thing, Chloe. Sorry it took so long to post this. I'm having technical difficulties.

Installment XIII
She had lost. Closing her eyes, Pen braced herself for the hit she knew was coming. It never came. Instead she heard a loud scuffling sound. She opened her eyes to see kern fighting the hunter. He was fumbling with one of their guns, trying to get a clear shot. pen jumped on the hunter, hitting him in the head with all the strength she could muster. It was too much for him. He fell to the ground in defeat.

Sorry this one's rather short. I'll post more later.

[Kesshin]

Sorry about how long it's been since I posted a decent installment. It seems like just about everything that could go wrong with my computers has. I was sorely tempted to chuck them out the window. But it's okay now, they're fixed. ^^ I will resume my regular posting. Thanks for your patience.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Installment XIV
Kern held the gun to the hunter’s chin. He shouted to the man’s companions.
“You there, scum. Get in the jeep and drive off or I’ll kill your friend.â€

[Lochaber Axe]

Very good installment, but my only qualm is not really story-wise. In fictional prose, having kids save the day is to me unrealistic. I am not talking about Anime/ Manga because that is totally different. I compare it to Spy Kids... Eck. It is already bad enough when there is always that one dude or gal that saves the world, but kids younger than me? That is my own personal opinion and says nothing about your work as a whole.

I've recently finished a book that would help you out as it did me. It is called Fiction Writing Demystified by Thomas B. Sawyer (writer for Murder, She Wrote and the novel The Sixteenth Man [The Six Teeth Man, that really changes the meaning:lol: ] if that helps any). Though I have a warning if you are interested, the author uses a swear word in about each chapter. Why is there swear words in an informative book for? That is getting OT. Besides before mentioned complaints, it is still very helpful to any writer.

[size=84]One last thing, it is good to see that you do not use a lot of the (though correct, since almost all authors use it) He said/she said dialogue. That does not mean what it sounds like, take for instance in your story: "Well you should have explained it to me. I was worried about you,â€

[churchgirl111]

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK KESSHIN!!!!
i think that it is cool to have a younger group save the day only because it is what we imagined when we were younger and i think that it shows people to not assume that a kid can't kick their gluteus maximus. Keep going!!

[true_noir_chloe]

I don't mind kids saving the world, either. You know how I feel about this last section, I placed it in that last pm. Icarus, haha, it was a pm. And, if I could remember what I wrote at the time I'd let everyone else know. But, I forget everything. I don't even remember this morning.

I've seen the book Loch spoke of, but never picked it up. The Writer's Digest, The Elements of Fiction Writing series covers all this in a very concise manner and they're very PG.

>One last thing, it is good to see that you do not use a lot of the (though correct, since almost all authors use it) He said/she said dialogue.<

I think what you mean is the "talking heads" syndrome. A lot of young writers get caught up in the action sequences and take the easy way out. They have no movement in their dialogue because all effort has gone into the action. Also, you have to remember you're painting a picture with your words. People have to see what you are writing. You have to, by your words, paint them that scene. You convey that with both passive and active voice sentences, which is what active writing is. It brings the person into the world you are writing about. You have to make the characters move in the dialogue by changing it up a little. I'll go copy an example of what we're talking about and paste it next.

P.S. There are three ways to grow as a writer:
1. Do it
2. Study writing
3. Read good writing. Don't limit yourself to mangas and movies.

[Kesshin]

Thanks for your comments, guys. ^^
Lochaber: I stopped using the he said\she said thing a while back because I was overusing it. But you're right, I don't use it enough, do I? Hmm.... I'll have to fix that. There's such a delicate balance. I agree, writing isn't easy. ^^ But it's worth it. And as for young people saving the day, Pen and Kern are seventeen, and Ralda is nineteen, so they're not really kids. (Laowra and the other older people are only in their mid-twenties, anyway.) Do you think I should have made them older? As always, your advice is thoroughly appreciated. ^^
Churchgirl: I agree. Your age should never keep you from doing big things. Woohoo! ^^
Edit: Chloe, I just read your post. Thanks.
I'll go edit.

[true_noir_chloe]

This is an excerpt of "Here Be Dragons," in this writing section. This was some of the best written dialogue, as if she was a published writer. Iesu_no_Senshi wrote this awhile ago, but I can't help but feel this was a truly inspired piece of writing on her part. Read this out loud and listen to how each voice takes on it's own personality between the two dragons. And, you feel as if you are there, actually watching them speak one to another. I hope Iesu doesn't mind too much.

The first thing that Fannie's eyes beheld upon awakening were the doors of her cell, which converged in such a manner as to be reminiscent of two great dragons that had locked their claws together--each one's talons filling in the spaces left by the other. The second thing she saw was Goanuth. His countenance had just enough smugness...just enough self-righteousness in it to make Fannie wish a large and very heavy object would fall on him. She closed her eyes briefly in hopes that when they opened again the painful image would no longer be there and that all would be as it should once more.

"Going back to sleep so soon?" Goanuth's voice grated across her eardrums, setting her teeth on edge. "Oh, but you've only just awakened." Fannie kept her eyes shut. She was determined not to react to him. Goanuth was such a vain and silly thing, and it seemed unwise to stretch his ego any further by way of a response. He continued. " You know, the Guardian came to see you. Even the Queen Mother herself has taken interest. Tell me something, how does it feel to be the focus of such prominent figures at so very young an age, hmmm? Ordinary dragons such as myself would truly like to know. Then again, I would have thought of some other way, a way that was, shall we say, a bit less detrimental to my overall wellbeing. But perhaps you are right in your approach. I most certainly have never gained the attention of the Queen. Next thing you know, old Maisige will be swooping down to latch her claws onto you."

Fannie opened one eye and focused it upon her target. "Fharrugis Ma' thai!" The ancient insult flew from her like arrows drawn from a bow. She closed her eye once more waited for the response she knew would come. "That--that is not fair!" Goanuth growled angrily. "You KNOW I do not understand High Dragon!"

Ah yes, she thought. Goanuth, you are so predictable. Fannie allowed herself the luxury of a small smile. "Really, Goanuth? How silly of me. I must have forgot." She could practically hear his teeth grinding together. Fannie decided to add insult to injury and slowly turned her back on the smaller male. Had there not been a thick wall of glass separating the two of them, she might have worried a little more about a retaliaton. As it was, Fannie had only to suffer the ill fortune of viewing him from the neck upwards; which, was largely in thanks to a small rectangular window just slightly above eye level.

"You just think you're so great, don't you?" Goanuth sneered. "You've always thought that you were better than everyone else. But I know all about you, you Human Lover!" He almost ignored the gasp from Fannie and continued on without a beat. "That's right, I know all about you. I saw you with that human years ago. Disgusting! You have the audacity to want to be something less than what you are, to spit in the face of tradition, and to dishonor the Clan and the Queen Mother. And still you manage to somehow lord over everyone as though you were someone to be reckoned with. Well, you're about to get your comeuppance! The Guardian is meeting with the Queen about you even now. It's just a matter of time before judgement is passed and they come for you. I am personally hoping you get a life sentence full of grunt work and perpetual drudgery. But I am not opposed to your being thrown into a lava pit either. The Queen is wise. I am sure whatever they plan for you will be exactly what you deserve. And then I will go on about my life with great satisfaction and contentment." He smiled at her nastily and continued. "By the way, I told the Guardian about you. I told her years ago, actually. But for whatever reason she decided not to do anything until now. Ah, well, who can understand the mind of the Guardian?"

Fannie turned slowly to glare up at the window. "YOU told the Guardian about the human?" Her eyes scanned the room. "I see, and this is your reward? Being here? Well, it all makes sense now. I wondered how you managed to get a position in a department normally reserved for females and at so young an age at that."

Goanuth smiled. "Ah, but this is merely another step in the direction of my goal. The position I am really looking for is a little higher up in the grand scheme of things." Fannie nodded. "You mean the Elite Treasure Guard. The way you drool and carry on over those stupid rocks ...it's pretty obvious where your passion lies. But you are a fool if you honestly believe you'll ever make it into that department. No male dragon has ever been allowed in the Treasure Guard. You're not even permitted inside the Treasure Chamber!"

"You are wrong! The position has been all but promised to me!" Goanuth insisted. Fannie replied "The Queen would never allow a male into her Treasure Chambers, you are all too vain and greedy! And you, Goanuth are the worst of them. Believe whatever you like, but don't say nobody told you when you find yourself still working the dungeons in a few hundred years." She turned her back on him once more. The conversation had ended so far as she was concerned, and Fannie needed to think about what she had just learned. Goanuth had seen her with the human? No doubt he'd been eavesdropping. And the Guardian knew about it for all these years and yet did nothing. Why? It didn't make sense to her, but Fannie knew it didn't really matter. For whatever reason, the Guardian had held her peace until now.

Fannie stared blearily at the wall. There was nothing left to do but wait. Perhaps the Queen would be merciful and grant her a pardon, but it wasn't likely. Fannie was in trouble and she knew it. She sat down on the cold floor and tried to think more pleasant thoughts.

[Lochaber Axe]

Hmmm... I must have missed something there. I had an opinion that they were younger. I guess I need to read the updates better because such a huge mistake should have not happened. Anyways the age you set is appropriate, do not change it. Oh well, at least you know what I do not like when it comes to heros and heroines (always remember to put an "e" at the end of that word, or you will get something very out of context ).

Good example Chloe.

[Kesshin]

Wow. 0.O Iesu is such a good writer! I'll have to read more of her stuff. Mine pales in comarison. But anyway, the dialogue is masterful. Totally understandable, yet in Lochaber's words, it doesn't "sound like people reading from a script."
Again, thank you, Chloe. You're too nice to me.
Edit: Just read your post, Lochaber. (seems like I'm always one step behind when it comes to posts.) Don't worry 'bout it, I only mentioned their ages once or twice, so it was easy to miss. ^^

[Icarus]

After reading all this, I'm in a slight daze. I'm still reading, fear not on that account.

[Kesshin]

I know what you mean, Icarus. This thread is getting long, isn't it? So much to go through. Glad you're still reading. ^^
Here's the next installment. *yay!*

Installment XV
Sharon had finished dragging her two unconscious patients into the jeep. She looked around for the others.
“Kern, Pen, Ralda! Come on, we’re leaving.â€

[Lochaber Axe]

I would consider a huge overhaul of this one. There are some very vague descriptions in this one. Without becoming gory, you should describe how Ralda was shot. You simply pretty much have the sound of the weapon and she falls, and it reminds me of those old silent westerns (not very good for a story to seem like that). This would have become a hugely dramatic moment and it just fell flat. One thing that book taught me was that no matter what, Writers are Entertainers. Books live and survive on conflict. And audiences live and survive on the dramatic. You aren't writing the script for Ben Stein, so be extravagant, have fun, be gory if you want to (though not on here). Make that moment coup de grace of your writing skills.

Also don't use "boom". For one, it is a too often used onomatapeia, look outside the box so to speak. Two, it describes an explosion not the wizz of a bullet. Like I said think outside the box, imagine yourself there. Hear everything your characters hear, see everything they see. You control the reins until that moment where the characters push you over and they start to make their own lives. Then is when you know that you have little to worry about.

Please take this constructive criticism to heart for if you don't... others that aren't as nice will say the same thing.

[Kesshin]

Okay, Lochaber. I'll go edit. Again. *sigh* It seems I'm doing a lot of that lately. Oh well. Even Tom Clancy has to edit his stuff, and he's a master. That's how you become a good writer. ^^ Thanks for the constructive critism.
I didn't want to be too dramatic, though, and I didn't want to describe her wound in detail because, um... well, you'll see.
This story is copyrighted by Kesshin, 2004.

Installment XVI
When the hunters had vanished over the horizon, Kern dropped his gun. He walked to a far-off spot in the sand and sat with his head in his hands. Pen watched him as his body shuddered with sobs. She was crying too, now. She had never liked Ralda, but that only made it seem worse. All the times she had envied of her seemed cruelly ironic. Gently, Pen laid her hand on Ralda's. She closed her wet eyes.
"I'm sorry I was jealous of you. If you can hear me, please forgive me."
"I forgive you."
Pen stared down at Ralda in shock. her face was no longer pale, and her eyes were back to their apple-green sharpness. Weakly, she smiled up at Pen's expression.
"This is impossible!" Pen screeched.
Ralda just kept smiling.
"I saw that cannon go right through you!"
"No, it just grazed me. I tried to appear dead so the hunters would leave."
Pen opened and shut her mouth like a goldfish in a bowl, and broke out in nervous laughter.
"Well," she quibbled, after a moment of trying to get her thoughts in order, "you're a very convincing actress. But, still, that wound must be serious, even if it did only graze you. I'd better take a look."
Ralda's smile died on her lips as her face went pale once more. Slowly she edged away.
"Oh, that is all right, it is nothing."
"No, really, you need medical attention."
Pen reached towards her.
"Don't!!!"
Pen pulled her hand back. Ralda was looking at her like a frightened animal confronting its predator.
"I'm not going to hurt you. I'll be gentle," Pen explained in a soothing voice. Firmly, she grasped Ralda's shoulder and flipped her over. She was bleeding. This didn't surprise Pen. The fact that the blood was green did.

[Lochaber Axe]

Whatever you do, do not take my following words as critical of your story. You do not have to follow what I am going to say. Also I am going to put it in Spoiler tags just so as not to hamper anyone from enjoying this story.

[spoiler="Science (very) Fiction(al)"]The only reason why I don't read a lot of Science Fiction is that a lot of it is unexplained addons. Take for instance, different color of blood such as your green blood. Why does this bother me? Our blood is red because of hemoglobin inside our blood cells that exibits a reddish color when absorbing oxygen. Without oxygen, the cell starts to change color bringing that bluish color of our veins in our arms or that blueness that comes from strangulation or suffocation around the face and lips. The body is trying to gather as much oxygen as possible but organs still start to shut down and you die. That leaves on how Aliens have different colored blood. We see it used all the time to distinguish between human and alien, without any explaination on why it is that color. Don't get me wrong, to have aliens that look like us and have red blood creates a "B" movie. I liked the use of blue blood in the anime Rah Xephon to distinguish human from Mu. Yet there is no explanation, no information on what chemical is doing creating this color. Research creates better conflict. Just don't go overboard and give swept into your research and start to confuse your readers.

As a final word, this should be a dogma that all writers should follow, it matches the dogma genetists use. Dna makes Rna, and which in turn makes protein. Drama makes confict, which in turn makes stories. Many will say that conflict creates drama, but I say that if you keep your head on the dramatic, then conflict will tag along for the ride.[/spoiler]

I just hope I don't start sounding like I should wear a beret and leotard and spout nonsense like, "No, no, no... you must feel like a butterfly. You must BE the butterfly."

[true_noir_chloe]

I can tell Loch's been studying his writing. Great critiqueing, Loch. I would agree with his last two statements for the most part. I haven't been on CAA for a bit, and so I've been late on commenting.

I, however, disagree slightly on the green comment. I agree, would't it be great if all the sci-fi writer's gave better reasoning for why blood is the color blood is, but hey, not everyone follows that rule and if you don't want to that's your option - the writer. You have other problems to worry about. If you structure your scenes and dialogue well, I don't really care what color the blood is and why. Sorry, Loch.

And yes, you're right, Iesu is a very good writer. She's a very natural writer and she surprises me everytime I read her. She's been very intricate in figuring out the language of her dragons. In that way, I think Loch is trying to pull that out of you. You need to really research this world you're writing about so that it convinces us that your characters are there. I understand you're a very young writer, and in that I applaud you. Because if you think about it, at this point in your life you are so many, many steps ahead of your peers. That's why I keep coming back and reading your stuff. I'm amazed at your age.

Now, eventually you will need to go through some major editing, but don't worry right now. That's later. For now, get your main ideas down. Take the comments you get here and go from there with them. If you can find a mentor, please do. My kids both have mentors for the aptitude they lean toward. My daughter has an artist and my son has a computer whiz.

You and churchgirl are writing at a similar level and pace and I think you both need work in similar areas. You two might want to coordinate ideas and struggles and chat.

Listen to Loch, he's got great ideas.

[Icarus]

Yes, listen to Loch and Chloe, but don't forget to listen to the cheering fans. They're with us, of course, they just cheer in a different fashion. ~_^

> "I'm sorry I was jealous of you. If you can hear me, please forgive me"

This could be interesting. I look foward to Ralda's long term reaction.