Help me?

[Bunny]

So I'm in this creative writing class and my teacher is really testing me. Our second assignment was to write a snake poem because, "all good poets have at least one poem about a snake." I guess I decided to tackle the idea of a snake from a standpoint of Biblical symbolism. Anyways, a lot of things could be explained about it but the bottom line is that I was told to re-write the poem without all the abstract elements.
Now, I have never claimed to be a poet. I'm not particularly fond of writing poetry. That's why I could use some help with this. I can't stop being abstract with this assignment.

Here it is:


Darkest hours in gardens
corruption is the fruit so sweet
that turns our eyes from glory
and the song of curiosity
pours through glittering scales
of irresistible beauty
coiled in waiting
a deadly embrace
all around the bark of a tree
and eyes that linger and call to you
how subtle is seduction
that leads us to our downfall
nonetheless
in light of grace
a kind of redemption is born
and scales that dragged
man through the flame
now line the way to healing
when embracing a blessed rod
curious and hopeful eyes
fall upon the winding, serpent form
that is the mercy of God
Therein is the duality
that is all our own
we who are lowly now can rise up
if only we could embrace the blessing
to build or destroy
to harm or to heal
and life makes snakes of us all.


I wrote it at work but the idea is that there are two pictures we are given about snakes in the Old Testament. The garden fall which brought destruction and the rod of Moses that brought healing. The poem was supposed to relate those images to humanity and our capability to be the best or the worst of what God has made us.
It needs work. A lot of work. It's not even really about snakes. I don't know. Help please?

[QtheQreater]

Ok...The first half is perfect. Don't change it. It's the second half, the part about Moses's rod, that is very unclear. Out of curiosity, is said teacher familiar with the scriptural reference? Because it's not really all that abstract.

Btw, it's a good poem. I only changed a few words...but it is easier for me to understand like this.

Darkest hours in gardens
corruption is the fruit so sweet
that turns our eyes from glory
and the song of curiosity
pours through glittering scales
of irresistible beauty
coiled in waiting
a deadly embrace
all around the bark of a tree
and eyes that linger and call to you
how subtle is seduction
that leads us to our downfall
nonetheless
in light of grace
a kind of redemption is born
and form that dragged
man through the flame
now shows the way to healing
when embracing a blessed rod
curious and hopeful eyes
fall upon the winding, serpent sign
that is the mercy of God
Therein is the duality
that is all our own
we who are evil(or wicked) now can rise up
if only we could embrace the blessing
Thus, we build or destroy
we harm or heal
and life makes snakes of us all.

[Bunny]

Given, this is the re-write of the original. I honestly think it's a lot less abstract than the last but I'm not sure anyone would know what I'm getting at without the explanation.

And, no. I didn't really bother trying to give her the background on it as she was in a very animated rampage against it for about ten or fifteen minutes.

I'll seriously consider your suggestions on changing it.

[Esoteric]

All good poets have written a snake poem? 0.0 I'm not so sure your teacher's right about that one.

I agree that the second half need more work. The first half has some snake descriptions, the second half should have some too, like fangs, venom, lashing tongue, slither...something to keep us thinking about that fearsome little reptile.

I'm also wondering if the the poem is too short for an effective duality statement. The story of the bronze serpent is one of the more obscure in the Bible, and frankly I found myself thinking more of Apollo's staff (or is it Mercury?)when healing was mentioned. (you know, the medical symbol of two snakes entwined on a rod).

I'm not sure how you should proceed, but if you're going to keep the duality of roles, both need to be equally strong.

[Bunny]

Yeah, it's Mercury's staff. I think you're probably right about it being too short but I don't want to get too long on something that's supposed to be a relatively simple assignment either. I might just wind up putting in a couple more lines in the second half as you suggested with a little more imagery of the actual snake.

[QtheQreater]

Eh...not to be rude or anything, but putting more snakiness in will kill the poem. My suggestion is that you write another one, but keep this one pretty much the way it is. It's too good to ruin by trying to appease your teacher.

[Bunny]

See, I'm tempted to think the same but if that's truly the case, then why bother taking the class? The truth is, this teacher does have something to teach me and I have to be flexible and open-minded enough to work with her criticisms.

[QtheQreater]

See, I'm tempted to think the same but if that's truly the case, then why bother taking the class? The truth is, this teacher does have something to teach me and I have to be flexible and open-minded enough to work with her criticisms.

The thing is...your poem isn't about snakes in the non-biblical reference form. Without you're so-called "symbology" it is completely meaningless.

Open-mindedness is something your teacher appears to lack, not you. Write another poem. Improve that one according to what the teacher says. I'm not dissing the teachers abilities, I just think this poem is too good to ruin.

[creed4]

That's weird I known many writers, and havn't seen a snake poem, I've writen many poems, And maybe mention snakes but never a poem about one. I kind of agree that quite about snake, you seem to be using them for a medifor (please excuse my spelling) I would agree with increasing it. The Firysurpents is a good story to use

[allpayedatcross]

.

...And, no. I didn't really bother trying to give her the background on it as she was in a very animated rampage against it for about ten or fifteen minutes. ...

why on earth did she go into a rampage? I see no plausible reason for such emotion...what were her complaints and thoughts against it?

[Ratrace]

See, I'm tempted to think the same but if that's truly the case, then why bother taking the class? The truth is, this teacher does have something to teach me and I have to be flexible and open-minded enough to work with her criticisms.

this about a teacher who said all great poets wrote about snakes and then said yours was abstract. no offence ment to the teacher, but since when where there rules against that? I was always told abstract was hard and poets were supposed to be good at it.

[Bunny]

Apparently she thinks the real problem stems from my "deliberate obscurity." Really, it's very rare for me to be deliberately anything. Whatever. If she wants me to work on concrete communication, that's fine with me.
The only thing that set me off about her tearing me down on this is that afterwards she found my mom (who works at the college) and told her that although I was very good, I don't accept criticism well. So not only did I feel like she was fully set against me but I felt patronized by her little improvised PTA meeting. I thought that was completely middle-school of her.
I think maybe she's just hard on me because she actually does think I'm good. I'm trying very hard to work with her on her input and comply. It's hard on the pride.

[martinloyola]

I reccomend doing another one but simply as a descriptor poem. That is to say describe a snake. Use nature, human, other metaphors. avoid referencing any other literature. What I'm seeing is that she wants to see you use the subject "snake" not necessarily without poetic elements but with a more sensory approach. "abstract" here means "with metaphysical concepts and ideas" things you can't touch or see or experience. Someone mentioned Apollo...any mythology would probably be abstract. Things like "freedom, love, faith, etc." are abstract
the opposite of abstract would be "concrete."

[Maledicte]

I like the poem, except for the line "A deadly embrace..." seems like an overused phrase.