'Shoutotsu Shinro' a story by

[God's Samurai]

Although I'm relativly new here, I felt I would go ahead and post my latest work, "Shoutotsu Shinro". I hope you enjoy. It's a bit short but this is only the beggining. Comments, Suggestions, and Flames are welcome. I don't really care to have my work insulted, although it would be a first. But now I've spoken all too much, without further adue...

Shoutotsu Shinro

A story by God's Samurai

"So, you ready for your Science test?" inquired the tall, slim boy to his medium sized compatriot. The boy didn't reply he just continued to type on his laptop. "What are you doing man? You haven't gotten off that thing since you got it. Not that I can say anything, I'd do the same thing if I got a new laptop." "I'm on an Anime site. This thing has like every anime you can think of on it, a few I haven't even heard of." The taller boy rubbed the back of his neck and replied, "They got DBZ on there?" His friend just shot him a short cold stare. Was that a real question? Every single site that had anything to do with anime had something about Dragonball Z on it. Jon couldn't blame Nash though, that was about his extent of this wondrous thing called anime. Jon was a bit deeper than that. He wasn't exactly an elitist but was nowhere near being a novice on the subject. His favorite was Naruto, that or Rurouni Kenshin. He had always enjoyed anime since he first saw it when he was eight. He was an aspiring artist and writer. He had even gotten an honorable mention in several cons he had went to. "Yeah, it's got DBZ on here," Jon replied after a short time almost sarcastically. "So you and Beth an item yet?" Nash taunted. Jon and Beth had been doing this dance, you see, for the past few months. They flirted continuously but neither desired a true relationship. At least Beth didn't. Jon had asked her several times but to no avail. It almost became a joke between the two of them. Jon would ask, "So Bishoujo, ready to be my girlfriend yet?" and she would always reply, "Not yet Jon." Besides she was out of his league by far. They were friends though and it seemed to Jon they may never become a couple. Jon wanted to give up, but his feeling were so strong for her that his heart wouldn't let go. Jon shot back with a comment, " Your IQ risen yet?" Nash smiled. "Any day now," Nash laughed. They were best friends really. Nash and Jon had been friends since they became Christians. That was four years ago.

Just then the door opened. In walked Aaron, Jon's other friend and part time rival. They where friends but often competed in kendo and their studies. "Mornin', Little Jon," Aaron said as he took his seat. "Lookin' forward to the kendo match this Friday? I sure am." "Oh I know you are." Jon and Aaron had matches all the time. Aaron usually won except that one time when Jon pulled out the upset. Aaron had taken lesson since he was four and still took them. Jon had very little formal training. Jon couldn't really afford a trainer, he was doing good to be able to come to the Christian school he was now in. "Oh yeah, Aaron, I found this pretty cool site last night that I think you'd like." Jon said, opening his Favorites list and scrolling down to a site titled 'Shoutotsu Shinro'. "What's it about?" Aaron inquired questioning why Jon felt he'd like it. "It's an Anime I've never heard of." Jon replied as the page loaded. "Sure it isn't Fan Fiction?" Aaron said disbelieving its validity. "I don't think so. It looks pretty pro to me. Here," Jon turned the screen so that Aaron could see it. Suddenly a flash video began to play on the screen. "Are you ready for a Collision with your destiny?" an eerie voice beaconed. "Uh, is it supposed to be showing the vid man?" Nash questioned. "Well, it didn't befor- -" Jon was cut off by the voice. "Get ready...For the beginning...Of eternity." the voice came, louder this time. "That's pretty cheesy." the voice of Beth came from over Jon's shoulder. Had she been there the whole time? Jon didn't get to finish his thought before the menu to a site opened. "That's weak dude." Aaron came at the site that the video took less than half a minute. "This isn't the same site I was on last night. The address is the same but it looks like it got a complete overhaul. Well, what ever." Jon tried to move the cursor but it didn't respond. "Ah, man! It froze up! Stupid viruses! I just got this thing!" Jon exclaimed. "Oh great, you got on a hentai site and now you can't get off. What'll Pastor say..." Aaron joked. Then suddenly the cursor moved up on its own and clicked 'Enter'.

The screen flashed a bright red light, scarlet actually. The light blinded Jon, rendering him paralyzed for a moment. The room seemed to rotate on end. He felt as though he had been bound up in a chain and slung over someone's head repeatedly. Then everything went black. Jon felt something push him and he fell backward. His chair disappeared beneath him, his eyes blinked furiously trying to gain any visual image. Nope, no luck. He felt as though he were falling for an hour before he finally hit. His head bouncing off of the awkwardly hard floor. He felt his body lay flat then he lost consciousness. When he regained thought it was still black. Then he realized his eyes were closed. He opened his eyes to find that he was now outside, laying on the ground underneath...Cherry Blossom Trees?! "There aren't any Cherry Blossom Trees in Oklahoma!" He shouted inside his mind. He struggled to roll his head over. Nope, not Oklahoma. There also wasn't anyone nearby apparently. He lay there for a few minutes making sure he was awake and that he still had fingers and toes, and a head. "That'd be weird if I were just a head without a body huh," Jon though aloud. Then he saw the branches of the trees above him begin to sag.
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Reviews?

[Esoteric]

Hmmm, interesting beginning. Alright, you want some feedback? You got it.

I like that you try to give the reader a good introduction to the main characters. So often, writers neglect such details in favor of cutting straight to action. But in light of that, feel you try and give too much information right away. It's all lumped together and pretty obvious.

For example, take the statement that Jon and Nash have been friends since they became Christians four years ago. It's good information, but that's all it is at this point...information. It has no real significant reason for being mentioned at this point in the story. The dialogue very effectively reveals that they are friends, and to start off that's all we really need to know.

Instead of having the history of their friendship casually added by the narrator, it would be much more interesting if it were revealed in a meaningful conversation along the way. Information is always better when delivered throughout the text in bits of dialogue and description. When it's too obvious, it can feel like a textbook.

The dialogue is good, pretty natural, but hard to follow because it's lumped into big paragraphs. Everytime someone different is speaking, a new paragraph should begin.

I am curious as to what strange occurance has befallen Jon, (and perhaps the others), so you've done a good job at creating interest. You've got the basic skills down, your style just needs polishing...as does mine and every other aspiring writer's. I struggle with these same problems all the time, so by no means take all of this personally. Excellent writing requires tons of mental work, but if you're willing to put forth the effort, you'll get there.

On a small side note... The depth of information pertaining to anime does to some extent require the reader to already be 'in the know'. Since you're posting this on an anime site, that's a safe assumption to make, but if you're planning to targeting an audience without knowledge of anime, then certain terms will require definitions woven into the dialogue.

[God's Samurai]

Thanks Esoteric, I really appriciate the feed back and suggestions. I'll make a note of it and will try to improve my writing accordingly. As for the next part of the story, I intend to have it posted by Sunday. I'd also like to add that this is my first writing in novel format in two years. I got used to writing in script format so I appologize for the errors, I'm out of practice.

[Esoteric]

Thanks Esoteric, I really appriciate the feed back and suggestions. I'll make a note of it and will try to improve my writing accordingly. As for the next part of the story, I intend to have it posted by Sunday. I'd also like to add that this is my first writing in novel format in two years. I got used to writing in script format so I appologize for the errors, I'm out of practice.

Cool. I'll check back after sunday then. Two years is quite a sabbatical!

[God's Samurai]

I just finished writing this part. Hope you like it.


Jon immediately rolled his head to face the sky. He saw a black blur fly past his face then stick into the ground. He could tell out of the corner of his eye that it was a kunai knife. He tried to sit up, he tried to jump up, he tried to roll over. His body didn't respond. It was there, he could see it. He had just moved his appendages not two seconds ago. He then saw the other kunai to the left of his face. His mind became paranoid, as anyone's would in this situation.

" Who are you?" a voice called from above Jon. He looked up and saw nothing more than a short blur of black atop one of the branches. Jon wanted to answer but suddenly his voice failed him. He wanted to scream for help. He wanted to defend himself, but he had no chance, no ability.
"There's no need to struggle boy! My kunai will keep you in place until I get what I need." The voice came again this time from a different spot in the trees. It was then that Jon felt it. An almost invisible wire that stretched from one kunai to another, and there wasn't just the two that bound him, there was a series of them going down the sides of his body. Jon just tried to calm himself and began to recite the Lord's Prayer in his mind.
" Stop that mumbling kid! Now answer my question, Who Are You?" The man demanded in a harsh tone. Jon though, " Can he here me thinking? Yankee doodle dandy!"

" Yes I can hear you thinking, now can we get on with this? Who Are You!" The man came yet again, increasingly violently. " Uh, my name is Jon. Where am I?" Jon thought.

" I'll ask the questions 'Jon'. Where did you come from?" The man replied. Jon thought, " You get more flies with honey..." "Just answer the question before I decide to Take the information!" the man yelled.

" Okay Jeez! I'm from Oklahoma." Jon thought back at the shadow. " What's your business here Jon from Oklahoma?" the man asked. " Uh, I kinda was forced into coming here" Jon thought back.

" Who forced you?" The man inquired. " HOW THE CRAP SHOULD I KNOW?! ONE SECOND I'M SITTING IN MY SEAT SURFING THE NET AND THE NEXT I'M BEING INTERROGATED BY A STUPID NINJA!" Jon shouted in his mind, becoming angry.

" That's enough Dori-mu," an obviously younger and calmer voice came from above Jon's head. " He's telling the truth." The boy continued. Then, as quickly as they'd shot out, the kunai returned to the trees.

The boy walked over to Jon and helped him up. The boy had a katana sheathed by his side. He was slightly taller than Jon, had sapphire colored hair that came down to about his shoulders, smoke gray eyes that reminded you of a raven. He was well built, well better than Jon, and wore baggy black pants and a tanktop. He had an overall peaceful presence about him.
The boy smiled and introduced himself, " Hi, I'm Ko Masurao. Sorry about the trouble. Dori-mu just doesn't trust people he hasn't seen before."

"And I'm usually right..." Dori-mu interrupted.

" Hey, Masurao, everything alright?" A voice called running closer. Before long three other people were standing next to Masurao. " We could hear Dori-mu from the camp. you okay?" A man with short black hair in a gi asked.

" Who's the kid?" A girl in a red robe with hair that matched asked, studying Jon.

" Is this who Dori-mu was interrogating?" A tall blond man in red armor asked.

" Yeah, his name's Jon," Masurao answered them. " Let's go back to camp. You can come if you'd like Jon." Jon though to himself, " Huh, I wonder, should I go with the guys who could kill me or do I try to fend for my self. I think I'll take the shelter!"

And with that they took the path back to the camp. It was apparently pretty early as the sun was just rising as they entered the camp. It really was a beautiful setting, the sky was gold with light shades of blue following the gold and red all around the rising sun. Jon took a few minutes to take it in.
" Hi," A girl's voice broke the silence from behind Jon. " My name is Ru Maru. And you're Jon right?" Jon turned. He was astonished at what he saw, she could have been Beth's exact double. Well, except for the tail and ears that gave her a feline characteristic.

" Uh, huh." Jon eventually spat out.

" I heard you aren't from around here. Where are you from?" the girl asked in a calm, pleasant tone.

" Uh," He wasn't sure what to say. "I'm from Earth." He decided that was best. It always worked in anime so why not in this techni-color wonderland. Ru Maru giggled.

" This IS earth!" Ru Maru replied, quite to Jon's surprise. " Where are you from ON earth?" Ru Maru reasked her question.

" Oh," Jon said, sweat forming on his face as he rubbed the back of his neck and smiled insecurely. " I'm from...America. Oklahoma to be more exact."

" Where's America? Is it off the mainland?" Ru Maru asked puzzled.

" Uh, the mainland of Where?" Jon asked matching Ru Maru's confusion.

" Japan silly." Ru Maru said.

" Is that where we are? It doesn't seem like it. Where in Japan are we?" a million questions formed in Jon's mind. He'd wanted to come here since he was nine and here he was.

" Well, right now we're in Edo..." Ru Maru began until Jon cut her off.

" Edo? You mean Tokyo? Wait what year is it?" Jon asked.

" Well right now it's 2006, or at least that's what Masurao told us. And where's Tokyo?" Ru Maru asked, once again confounded.

Jon leaned back against a wall of one of the houses and slumped down. " You mean the year is 2006 and Tokyo is still called Edo? Well tell me this, who is in control of this country?" Jon asked, his mind racing to comprehend how it could be 2006 and Ed--...err..Tokyo still looked like it did in Rurouni Kenshin.

" Well right now there's a war begin waged between Janseng Yajuu and the Shogun Nobunaga Oda over the control of Kyoto and most of southern Japan. But Edo and northern Japan are currently divided between the Europeans and individual clans still loyal to the Emperor." Ru Maru answered.
Jon just sat down. Everything he knew about history had been thrown out the window here.

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Not quite a rough draft but not extremely polished. Not every new part will be up the next day but I'm shooting to have another up by Sunday which, knowing me will make two more by Sunday night. ^_^' Peace and review.

[God's Samurai]

Thanks Jerry, glad you joined the site. Ladies and gentlemen my brother Jerry. More coming soon.

[Esoteric]

If I were Jon, I'd seriously be questioning the claim that I was still was on earth, In fact, I'd probably be pretty sure I was dreaming at that point. I mean, the history, names, and people are all jumbled up, just like in a dream, so whether or not this really is a dream, (or an alternate reality or Tron-esque experience), I suggest having Jon treat it a little more as such at first. Sure he can be scared of the ninjas, but in the back of his mind he should be struggling with how crazy his situation seems.
I like Dori-mu's apprehension, and considering there is a war in Edo right now, I think the others (Masurao and Ru Maru) should treat Jon with a little more caution, or at least curiosity. Masurao may believe Jon is telling the truth, but does he know where Oklahoma is? Don't you think he'd at least ask a few more questions before letting him waltz into their camp as a friend?
Just some thoughts.

[God's Samurai]

That will all be explained in the coming additions. I have good reason behind Masurao believing Jon and well I don't want to give too much away. Next post should have a new episode in it.

[God's Samurai]

As promised, a new one on Sunday...

Jon's mind raced. "Is this a Dream?" Jon though aloud. Only afew moments ago he had been with his friends in school, now he was in a twisted version of modern Japan. Jon put his hands on his forehead and his elbows on his knees.

" You should go talk to Masurao when you're up to it," Ru Maru chimed in as she put her hand on Jon's back to comfort him. " He could tell you more than I can."

Jon stood up, he felt dizzy. " Where is he?" Jon asked. " Anyone who could know anything about how I got here is a welcomed advisor." Jon thought to himself. Ru Maru led Jon to a small house in the center of Edo. They went in.

Inside, Jon saw four people huddled up by a fire. He saw a fifth man leaned up against the wall opposite the door. The unseasonably cold weather made the fire necessary Jon assumed.

" Hey Masurao!" Ru Maru called out. Musurao stood up and walked over to them. " I want you to, y'know tell Jon about the last few years here. You're a much better story teller than I am." Ru Maru blurted out loudly.

" Alright," Masurao said, taking Jon back out side. They walked over and stood near a tree not far from the house. " What do you want to know?"

" Well, first off, what's with this place? I mean if this is Earth and the year is 2006 Nobunaga Oda would be long dead." Jon said rather frantically. " And why did you believe me when I said I wasn't a threat? And--" Masurao cut him off.

" Slow down. First, this is in fact Earth. Ya see back in the feudal era Nobunaga aspired to unite Japan in to one nation. That's what history officially records. What it doesn't say is that he was and is, in reality, a Demon from hell. He led his clan to great victories over many armies but in the end he was supposed to be assassinated by one of his vassals correct?" Jon nodded.

" Instead he slew the vassal and ate his heart, embracing his Demonic heritage. He conquered all of Japan and tried to declare himself Shogun. However the Emperor challenged his divine ancestry and declared Nobunaga a blasphemer. In one fell swoop Nobunaga devastated the Imperial ranks by attacking the Emperor in Kyoto. The Emperor narrowly survived. He escaped to northern Japan and rallied those still loyal to him. That was over 2000 years ago. Today Nobunaga still attempts to take the rest of Japan. However the new Emperor continues the fight against him. A few years ago a charismatic young leader named Janseng Yajuu challenged Nobunaga in the south, he's not loyal to any other faction and claims to be the true Shogun. On top of that England and Russia have invaded the Emperor's territory and taken over most of it. The advent of new fire power enchanted Nobunaga and he began to replicate it. That leaves us. We've sided with the Emperor. We don't have the fire power of the Oda or the Europeans, nor do we have the numbers of Yajuu. We're basically out gunned on all terms." Masurao finished.

Jon scratched his head. " Yeah, that totally makes sense. It's obvious that... I'M DREAMING! I musta fell asleep at school today or maybe I'm still in bed..."

" I know, it's a pretty hard thing to comprehend at first. But you get used to it." Masurao added.

" What do you mean, ' I know'?" Jon inquired.

" Well, ya see I was from Japan, the real Japan anyways. Then my dad sent me this sword, I went to sleep, and woke up here." Masurao said almost laughing. " Now that seems almost like a dream." Masurao added.

" So that's why you believed me..." Jon said.

" Pretty much! So how'd you say you got here?" Masurao said looking at Jon out of the corner of his eye.

" I was...uh...on the internet." Jon said disappointed. " Why couldn't I get a cool way of entering an alternate world?" Jon thought to himself, kicking some dirt.

" That's pretty lame," Dori-mu's voice came from above them. They looked up and there he was on a branch looking down at them. He continued, " You must be some kinda looser to come in like that."

Jon gritted his teeth. " Oh yeah then how'd you get here tough guy!?" Jon completely forgot he was afraid of Dori-mu.

" Heh, I don't feel of liberty to disclose that information." Dori-mu shot out.

" He was summoned here." Masurao said almost causing Dori-mu to fall from his branch in surprise.

" By who?" Jon wondered aloud to himself.

Then there came a loud eruption from the woods. Jon, Masurao, and Dori-mu looked towards the sound and saw a great number of trees flying up in the air.

" I'll check it out." Dori-mu said then vanished.

Within a few moments Dori-mu returned. " It's not good Ko. You should take a look." In a flash the three of them were off.
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There ya are, review! ^_^

[Esoteric]

Ah ha.

Question, when you say Nobunaga is a demon...do you intend to mean a Christian demon or a Japanese supernatural monster? I'm wondering because we've got a Christian kid in a historically Shinto/buddist society. The Japanese Emperor himself claimed divinty as the descendant of a Shinto god. So, I'm wondering how you're going to handle the two conflicting religions without compromising one of them, or both. Tread carefully.

Also, how old are Masurao, Doru-mi and Ru Maru? From the way they talk, they're all coming across as teenagers...well maybe not Dori-mu, he could be older.
My second small question is, does Jon speak japanese, or do they all speak English? Masurao is from Japan, and these people aren't afiliated with the Europeans, so... I'm just wondering about the lack of a language barrier...as well as the mind reading...

I have a few more questions, but I'll reserve them until I read a little more.

[God's Samurai]

Nobunaga is a demon as in the Japanese monster definition. Ru Maru, Ko Masurao, and several others who will be mentioned later are teens, Dori-mu, I'm not willing to say but he deffinately older that the others. The Christian/Shinto/Buddist thing is going to have an effect on the story but not quite yet. The language barrier is a bit of a problem, but it is safe to assume Jon speaks Japanese and English. I'll try to address that later in the story. The mind reading will also be explained soon. As for the other questions go ahead and ask them.

[Esoteric]

Nobunaga is a demon as in the Japanese monster definition. The language barrier is a bit of a problem, but it is safe to assume Jon speaks Japanese and English. I'll try to address that later in the story. The mind reading will also be explained soon. As for the other questions go ahead and ask them.

Okay, then I suggest you make it evident that Jon speaks Japanese back when the story starts...perhaps he's always explaining the definitions of japanese words to his friends or something. Similarily, you could use this to make it clear this is a Japanese demon, by having Masurao call Nobunaga an 'oni' or one of the other words the Japanese use. Then have Jon ask questions about oni, or compare his own (perhaps flawed) knowledge of these mythical monsters. Were Oni demons really believed to eat the hearts of thier victims?

Another thought just came to mind. Does Nobunaga's army consist of humans or demons? Since his position was shogun, the assumption would be humans, however, if the knowledge of Nobunaga's true nature is common enough for Masurao to know, wouldn't his army know too? -and flee from him? You don't have to answer this question right away in your story, but as long as you already have an answer in mind, you'll be able to reveal it when the proper time comes.