The Fires of the World, 2

[spiritusvult]

Let me know what you think. Really, hosesty is the most important part of this. OK, I know I have feelings too, but really, I'd like to get better at this whole writing bit, so any advice you have to offer would be appreciated. If it's not your preferred style, say that too. So, here it is.

The Fires of the World, 2

Darkness. Dripping water. A cold dampness with traces of dust.

"What are you looking for?" asked Daniel.

"You wouldn't understand even if I told you," replied Jack.

"I've followed you into this hole in good faith. I think I deserve a little better than that. Besides, you know I hate it when you patronize me like that."

"OK, Daniel. Right now I'm looking for a light of some kind."

As Jack walked he could feel the stones littering the the cave floor underneath him.

"You wouldn't have to do that if you hadn't decided to go shopping at Bob's Discount Life-Saving Supplies and Burgers. Especially on a flashlight. I wonder if the food you bought is any good." They plodded on, the walls of the cave as their only guide.

"You know, I noticed that you mentioned a lot of how I paid for stuff, not unlike the last hundred or so meals you've eaten," said Jack.

After a pause, Daniel replied, "Good point boss. Lead on then."

"And his faithful dog Spot," said Jack.

"So, boss, all joking aside, what are we looking for?"

"Didn't you hear the conversation coming from the booth next to ours at that diner we ate at a couple of days ago. What was it called. Oh yeah, the Aren't You Hungry?"

Daniel replied, "There were too many people who all seemed way too close to me for me to remember a single conversation."

"Well, if you had, you might have heard the woman say that she'd seen the light and that it could be found on Earth. So about ...."

Daniel interrupted, "You're telling me that you traveled thirty-seven light years just on the words of some woman who claims to have found enlightenment on a rock that would be better off forgotten? Hell, Jack, she wasn't even talking to you!"

"Usually the pretty ones aren't but in this case, that was a good thing. You see, since she didn't know I was listening, she felt more open. She told more than she might have liked to, in a public place," said Jack.

"Yeah, or she knew you were listening and deliberately led you here in order to waste your time because of something you did to her, or one of her feminine friends."

"Hey Daniel."

"What?"

"Shut up."

Daniel replied, "What...."

Jack interrupted "And if you don't, you might find that I'm not so willing to fill that blabbering mouth of yours the next time you're hungry."

As they walked on, shoes soaked from stepping in puddles they could have avoided if they'd seen them, they saw a glimmer of light. They continued silently, and at a slightly quicker pace. As they approached the light, they felt the heat of its brilliance warming them.

The heat had continued to grow so that, by the time they reached the cavern from which the light emanated, their shoes and legs were dry, but their faces and backs were moist with sweat.

"Jack," said Daniel. "Is that a man?"

"Be quiet," said Jack.

In the middle of the room sat a short but stout man sitting in the Lotus position. The man's hair was standing on end, and his clothes were worn, not from use, but as if they were simply rotting off while the man sat virtually motionless.

Jack and Daniel began circling the man, but as they did, Daniel said, "His head is following us. Do you think he sees us?"

"I would say no," said Jack. "Mostly because his eyes are closed, but he surely hears us."

In an accent that could not be traced, the man said, "If you only look with your eyes, then you will only see with your eyes. But I can tell, Jack, that you also look with your heart."

"Jack, how does he know your name?" asked Daniel.

"Because you said it, more than once," Jack replied.

Turning his attention to the man, Jack said, "What do you know of my heart?"

"A heart is a hard thing to know. I didn't say I knew your heart, I said you see with it," said the man.

"Why would you say that?" asked Jack.

"Because it's not rational for a man to walk over three miles into a cave when his light went out several hundred feet into the journey. If you trusted your eyes alone, then you would have turned around and headed back to the only light you could see. And that was coming from the entrance of the cave."

Jack walked back around to the front of the man, and sat down. Daniel stood at a distance, near the way through which they had come.

The man continued, "Why did you come here, Jack?"

"Because.... Why should I tell you?"

"Why shouldn't you?"

"You might be a thief."

"Thieves don't usually wait in the middle of the remains of a planet waiting for the rich to come to them."

"So you're a little strange for a thief."

"You don't really believe that, so why say it?" said the man.

"If you know what I believe, then why ask questions of me?"

"Perhaps I ask, not to get an answer, but so that you can see what it is you believe."

"I know what I believe," retorted Jack.

"And what is that?"

Jack was silent for a moment before he answered. "I believe in myself."

"And what about your friend there?"

"You mean Daniel?" The man nodded his head.

"He comes along because he also believes in me."

"Why do you think he does that?"

"I have no idea?"

Daniel started to look at the ground, and then seated himself against the cavern wall, watching.

"You have an emptiness in you, Jack," continued the man. "You're trying to fill it with the admiration of Daniel, or the gathering of money, but that hasn't worked has it?"

"Why do you care about me, old man?"

"I don't. You came here seeking something, and I don't really have anything better to do right now." Jack was silent.

The man said, "A bit deflating for your ego, isn't it?"

"Let's say that you're right, that there is a hole inside of me that I'm trying to fill. What should I use to fill it?"

"Jack, I'm just a man, and not very much of that anymore. People like you come every day or two. You all think that I have some kind of answer that will cure all your ills and save the universe. You think that life can be turned into a machine and taken apart as such."

"Hey, old man," said Jack. "I'm no philosopher. Start making sense."

"Very well," said the man. "I'll leave you with two questions. What do you want?" With that the man went silent.

Jack could hear the trickling water of a stream deep within the cave. He could see the twinkling lights of the crystals embedded in the walls of the cavern. He notice, for the first time, that the whole cavern was lit, but from no discernible source. And beyond all that, he could hear the silence, burning through him, forcing him to acknowledge his emptiness and total lack of capacity to change his situation.

He knew that he could resign himself to that fact, begin a futile fight against it, or enjoy his present state. With that thought, he had an answer. "I don't want anything. I have everything I want."

"What are you talking about?" asked Daniel.

"I'm talking about you, and this room, and everything."

"Jack, you're starting to scare me."

"You're right Daniel. I think it's time to go." And with that, they both rose from the ground and started to leave. As they were leaving the cavern, heading back into the darkness, Jack turned to the man. "What was your second question?"

With a smile, the man said, "What have you brought me as a gift?"

Jack turned to look at Daniel, who shrugged his shoulders. Jack then reached into Daniel's pack and pulled out one of their Hyper-Efficient Meals for Spacers on the Go. He walked over to the man and set it before him. Thanks for the help. The man did not respond.

With a gleam in his eye, Jack led the way back into the cave. After a few minutes of walking, they heard the man in the distance, "Do you have any idea how sick of these things I am. You people always come, searching for the answers to your soul. And as a sign of your gratitude you bring me this processed, double dehydrated, soybean-extracted, and left in a pool on the second moon of Zeados for a month, cake! That's it! No more answers for any of you."

After they had walked on for a few more minutes, Daniel said to Jack, "I heard that Earth used to be quite a place. What happened?"

"I guess people just got tired of the same old thing and moved on, hundreds of years ago."

"Don't tell me that you believe we actually came from this planet," said Daniel.

"I'm not saying we did. You're not human Daniel, in case you've forgotten about that third eye in the middle of your head. But I think my ancestors did."

"Hey, maybe this eye makes it so I don't need people like that old man to tell me that my life is going fine."

"And what about those stupid sunglasses you wear?" said Jack.

"I like them."

"But they only cover the one eye?"

"You just don't get it," said Daniel.

"I guess not. Anyway, feel like a burger?

"Sure, I think I saw a Bob's somewhere near Centauri.

[true_noir_chloe]

"His head is following us. Do you think he sees us?"

On this part, did you mean his "eyes" were following them? According to this it makes it seem like his head is detached and following them. ^^ *heh*

I'm not sure I really understood this. It seems you wanted to write some snappy dialogue, and it is snappy (this is the good comment), but there is no set-up, no scene, and no description. There is a lot of so-and-so said and talking, and very little of anything else. I never felt brought into the story/scene. Sorry, but I think if you went back and really worked on what these two guys and what you - the writer - are actually looking at, smelling, feeling, touching, sensing here, it would really help. All I got from that was one person said this and the other one said that. I think they were also in a cave.

Please, I hope I didn't make you cry. I do think you have talent, you just need some time spent on honing your skills. I'd suggest you read some good resources on setting up a story and scene structure. Of course, I'm not really one to talk and this is basically one person's opinion. So please, take this however you like and definitely with a grain of salt. ^__^

[spiritusvult]

True_noir

No!. Thank you a lot for your oppinion. I need all the input I can get, otherwise, I might as well keep my stories to myself. Actually, I noticed that there wasn't any action too. It was really just a sketch. Thanks for reading. Also, Eirewolf says great things about you, so your oppinion means more than simply a voice in the dark.

[spiritusvult]

True_noir

No!. Thank you a lot for your oppinion. I need all the input I can get, otherwise, I might as well keep my stories to myself. Actually, I noticed that there wasn't any action too. It was really just a sketch. Thanks for reading. Also, Eirewolf says great things about you, so your oppinion means more than simply a voice in the dark.

[girlninja]

i agree with True noir tho i think that the dialogue has a lot of thought amusement etc, it is left open handed due to the fact there is few plot though i did notice you tried to show that in your dialougue regarding a time/place setting but alot of the gaps weren't filled in.

I would try to not get into using "said" alot because it makes it a tad boring. though i really really like the philosophy you put into it i think you tried to make the story too fast instead of developing the characters a little more...however i really do like the story

Please keep writing ^^

[spiritusvult]

Thank you girlninja. That's just the kind of feedback I was hoping for. :-)