Releasing

[Kiba-kun]

I actually like criticism. It helps me know what needs to be considered for fixing. About the issue though; you're right. I do want the reader to know exactly how my characters look. I noticed in so many books that the author will, as you said, generalize the description and that isn't fair to the reader. I'm not sure what you meant by detract (my vocabulary has failed again!) so you'll have to explain it for an answer. As to why he wasn't "screaming at the top of their lungs, writhing half-consciously on the floor until the pain was gone," that will be explained in a later chaptar about his lineage. To the say the least, his parents passed on more than a demonic transformation. Thanks for replying to this. When I get Becoming completed, I'll post the rest and I anticipate more of your creative criticism.

[Esoteric]

Okay, I'll trust that you'll explain later on how he handles the experience so well. On detail....
--There are different schools of thought. Some people like to include very little description, which is argued to allow the reader to imagine characters looks how they want (and it's typically someone similar to themself). And others like to describe everything, leaving little to guesswork. If you prefer including all the small details, that's fine, but you must be fair. What I mean is, you never tell us what Dante looks like before. You never tell us what his mom looks like, or even Jo and Nick. Nada, zip, no descriptions at all...then suddenly two full paragraphs describing his demon form. It's terribly unbalanced. I don't even know what the bowling alley looked like.
--Now you might argue that the bowling alley wasn't important enough to describe in detail, but that's really for the reader to decide. If you aren't consistent with the level of detail throughout your story, the reader will feel a bit cheated whenever you skimp. Does that make sense?
--Oh and what I meant by detract...each time that you referred to a character from another story, as the reader, I was suddenly pulled out of this story as I imagined stuff from those stories. It hurt the serious intensity of your scene when I suddenly started thinking of Beast dancing with Belle in a ballroom. Get me? So, if you can find a way to describe him without referencing other characters or franchises, it would be better.
--But as a writer, it's very good that you like criticism and feedback. You'll go far with an open attitude toward your work and improve much more quickly. It can hurt sometimes though, I've had more than one person slam my work in writing classes. I know how that feels so I always try to honest, yet tactful.

[Kiba-kun]

Alright I can see what you mean by not adding descriptions for Dante (human) and his mom and his friends. I just don't think I can add their descriptions in this chaptar. I can and will make a note to add their descriptions at the end and the chaptar I'm working on now will have his mothers description since she plays an important role in this story. The reason I didn't go into detail on Dante, Jo and Nick is because I don't like focusing on something somebody sees every day (humans and I'm pretty sure most readers have been in a bowling alley and fit it in their head). From the people at my school who have read it, they love it that I go into detail for the demons and demon sides cause it pushes their imagination to construct it in their heads and my goal as a writer is to entertain and develop imagination.

As for the detracting, I honestly don't know how to fix that. I suppose it was rude of me to asume that others do what I do and just fix that one detail in their mind to construct the character. But without changing and adding to the already lengthy paragraphs, I'm afraid I can't fix that.

[Esoteric]

Well, don't worry about trying to fix everything now. Finish your first draft and later when you reread it after some time, perhaps some different ideas will present themselves. I must say, I am impressed by the volume of work you've written so far. You certainly have drive and that's important.

[Kiba-kun]

Thanks. My chaptars are short so I try to make alot of them.