In need of advice please...

[TopazRaven]

Wow, my second thread today. Is everyone sick of seeing me yet?

Anyway though, I'm feeling a bit confused right now, so I could use some advice. I'm going to be going to see a movie and have dinner with a male friend tomorrow night, more then likley alone. One of my fellow female friends said she would come so as to save me from the awkwardness of being alone with him, but she's acting all weird so I'm sure she's not coming now. This guy likes me. He has since we where in 10th grade. So that's about 5 years he's had some sort of strange attraction to me. He's asked me out more times then I can even count. I've always said no. Why? I never felt anything more then friendship for him. Yet he kept asking and asking and pestering me and he tends to make semi-perverted commants sometimes. It got to the point where I was being quite mean and cold to him to try and make him not like me and leave me alone. He must like mean women because it only seems to make him like me more. -_-

Anyway, a few months ago I attended a friend's party that he went to as well and one of his friends kept badgering me telling me to stop being a snob and give him a chance. I felt a bit harrased. Am I really being snobby? I've been sure to let him know that tomorrow night is NOT a date, but I've come to the conclusion I don't know how I feel about this anymore. I think for some reason I might be starting to like him and I don't know why. He's kind of an idiot. Anyway, I'm not so sure what I should do now. I mean, I've actually punched this guy in the face before because of something he said to me. So I'm not afraid to be alone with him, he knows I'm cabable of beating him up if I need to, I'm just well confused...

[Dante]

It doesn't sound like you really want to go out with him, there just isn't anything there for you. And given how he's obviously disrespected you in the past, I'd say your gut instincts are telling you the right thing here. In that case, it has nothing to do with "giving him a chance" or you "being a snob", its just how you feel and that's that (on top of his own mistakes). If you want to break out of it, just say you don't feel right about going. End it.

People make mistakes and given that this one resulted from peer pressure to some extent, it's not entirely your fault if you just break off with it now. After all, it was his dumb friend that tried to pressure you to begin with. If they noticed you didn't want to go out with him, THEY should have left you alone, if he gets a little hurt, its more their fault then yours.

So, break it off. If it ends badly, I can't really say it's a major loss given how you've described him as a somewhat crude character.

[Atria35]

^ Pascal has pretty much said it.

You should never feel forced to go out with someone that you aren't attracted to, especially if they've been disrespectful to you before. You aren't being snobby- you're being truthful about your feelings.

And the most important thing is to tell him that in no uncertain terms. He may be mean about it, but that's his problem- if he can't handle being rejected, then he's not mature enough to be dating anyway.

He might think that you're playing hard to get. Especially since you go between friendly and being cold. That's why you need to be clear that you think that there are girls out there that will date him, but you aren't one of them and never will be, and he should stop wasting his time with you.

[TopazRaven]

He has dated other girls, yet he's always kind of continued to flirt with me when he had a girlfriend and it's like, 'dude, what the heck!?' This little outting actually doesn't have anything to do with peer pressure. He's my friend after all. Even if he is rude and strange sometimes. About two weeks ago he was having a bowling party and he invited me and all his other friends. Originally I agreed to go, but then something came up and I had to cancel it. I said I'd make it up to him and we could hang out or something, so he decided on a movie and then somehow getting food got thrown into the mix to. I'm not really all that troubled about going. I've made it quite clear to him several times that I'm not interested in dating him so he should know by now. I can't stand to be to mean. Lol. Believe it or not he does have some redeaming qualities. He actually asked me if I ever wanted to be married one day and I said yeah, then I decided to go on and tell him if I ever started dating I wouldn't want to have sex before marriage and instead of scaring him off he seemed ok with it. *Sighs*. I don't know, I'm probably giving off mixed signals to everyone now. Sometimes I feel like I like him more then a friend and then other times I feel like it would be a bad idea.

[Atria35]

The thing is, if you're not interested in dating, then you should never say 'yes'. That's leading him on. And you should never let him flirt with you if he has a girlfriend. Again, letting him get away with it says that it's okay, and that you might be interested. Mixed signals galore.

[TopazRaven]

I never told him it was ok to flirt with me even when he doesn't have a girlfriend. Whenever he makes a weird commant I tell him to cut it out. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he doesn't. I also made it quite clear to him this isn't a date, after all a third friend was supposed to come, but I think she's backing out on me.

Edit: Bleh, I just don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to date, but I'm also kind of afraid to for some reason...

[TopazRaven]

Hehe, another edit. I suppose I didn't really need to make this thread, but you both have helped. Seeing as it is probably going to be just me and him tomorrow I think I'm just gonna be completley honest and talk to him about everything because despite what I've said before he's not a bad guy and he might not even know how uncofortable he makes me sometimes. He can't know how I feel if I don't tell him right?

[Atria35]

^ I didn't say that you told him it was okay to flirt with him- from what you said it sounded like he was doing it on his own. It was that you didn't say here that you told him you didn't want him flirting with you that I was thinking was the problem.

But I'm glad to hear that you're gong to talk to him

[TopazRaven]

Hm, I don't feel so well today anyway and my friend informed me she would be able to go if we postponed until Sunday, so hopefully he'll go for that. It will make things a whole lot less awkward. I did talk to him a little last night and he said he understands we're just friends and this wouldn't be a date. Then when I told him I was going to bed he said stuff like I love you and I was kind of like...why do you keep saying stuff like that? Did he hear anything I just said? I know I'm not ready to date yet, in least I don't think I am so even if I did really like him that way I wouldn't want this to be a date. Does he think if he keeps pursuing me that it will make me change my mind someday or something?

[Atria35]

That means he doesn't get it. You're still going out with him, even if it's with another friend along.

I don't think he's going to stop unless you set some clear boundaries and have some way of backing them up. He's crossing them because there's no real 'punishment' or incentive for not doing so. He gets away with it.

You need to set some clear punishments for not listening when you say you aren't interested in him like that. And then you need to start distancing yourself from him- long-term. If it sounds like something a boyfriend and girlfriend would do, don't do it with him.

[TopazRaven]

He always did seem hard headed. I did stop talking to him after high school. He found me on FaceBook. Curse you FaceBook! I did ask him once again to stop making commants like that because they where awkward and weird, but then I got off. Pfft, I don't do anything with him really other then talk to him on-line, where I make it quite clear I don't find his antics funny. One minute I can be having a serious or normal conversation with him and then he ruins it and says something stupid.

[samurai10]

ahehehe....*has had experiences like this on facebook* if you want, you can PM me, and i can tell you a way to block him, and if you already know how to do that, just dont want to, then i can tell you how to be rid of him on FB chat.

Hope this helps!

[TopazRaven]

Thanks! I think the point though is that I don't want to be rid of him. He is my friend. I just want him to stop hitting on me. xD

[Hiryu]

Is everyone sick of seeing me yet?

No, not at all. Can't get enough of you.

I feel that this could be a dangerous situation to be in. Getting someone else to go would be helpful.

What you can do is try to show some inferior qualities, like complaining too much, not paying attention to him, talking way too much,giving him the feeling that you're not so "truthful" etc. In general, be a miserable "date", but not too miserable.

[TopazRaven]

No, not at all. Can't get enough of you.

I feel that this could be a dangerous situation to be in. Getting someone else to go would be helpful.

What you can do is try to show some inferior qualities, like complaining too much, not paying attention to him, talking way too much,giving him the feeling that you're not so "truthful" etc. In general, be a miserable "date", but not too miserable.

Lol, would you believe me if I told you I've been doing this for years? I already complain to much and am miserable by nature. I don't need to pretend, I probably would be a terrible date! I could be quite mean to him at times to. He still likes me. He still liked me after I punched him in the face. I think this guy needs some therapy!

[Nate]

This may not sound like very good advice. But trust me.

Never be alone with him in a room with a TV. And if you are, make sure you aren't standing in front of it.

Don't ask why. Just trust me on this one.

Seriously though I can't think of any useful advice. I honestly don't know what else you can do at this point other than just stop being friends with him entirely until he learns better. I know he's your friend, but if you're constantly telling him to stop, have physically harmed him when he's crossed the line, and he's still doing this stuff, then he's not going to get it until you give him the message "I refuse to continue our friendship until you respect me more."

If nothing else, tell him this. Tell him "Until you respect me, I do not wish to talk to you or hang out with you anymore." If you do this and he still continues, remind him of this, and tell him the police will become involved if need be. It may be harsh, but if he's really your friend and really cares about you, he'll respect that.

[TopazRaven]

Lol, ok thanks for the advice. Just to make it clear, he's never actually touched me or tried to touch me. I punched him because he jokingly said he was going to rape me. Joke or not rape isn't funny so I got mad and punched him. This was pretty much how the concersation went.

Him: *Hanging on one of my friends*.
Me: Will you leave her alone? She doesn't want you touching her. What are you trying to do, rape her? (Ok, so I started the joke, I have no one to blame but myself.)
Him: No, that's going to be you tonight.

And then I punched him. Without even thinking. Then all my other friends told me I'd been to harsh and should apologize for hitting him. I'm stubborn so I never really did say sorry. I guess it was my fault though. I kind of did walk into that one. That happened over two years ago in high school. I really don't think he's dangerous, just an idiot.

[TWWK]

Maybe the bigger issue is how to decide who you're going to date, and to decide why you're going to date. If you figure those things out, then a decision about your friend might be more clear.

When I was in college, it seemed that anyone who was interested in dating me was non-Christian, or at the very least unchurched. Eventually, I figured out that I wanted to date someone who was Christian, like me - with whom I could (hopefully) grow with spiritually and share prayer and other Christian activities/thoughts with. As God became the center of my life, it became the center of everything, including dating.

And then, I thought about the purpose of dating. For me (and I'm not saying this is the right or wrong way), I wanted to date, not for fun (well, I wanted to date for fun, but I felt I should do otherwise), but for the idea that one day I might marry this person (courtship). That helped change my frame of mind.

Does this make sense? For me, I ended up breaking a relationship off with a girl because she was agnostic and because she wanted a more open relationship - I knew the first part would cause me a lot of pain if the relationship continued and I didn't agree with the second part in terms of dating.

If my thoughts don't match your own, at the very least, I think it's really good advice to pray and to look at scripture. God's concerns are our concerns, and who knows? He may give you a clear answer quickly.

[TopazRaven]

I can totally understand what you're saying. I don't want to date for fun, mostly because dating doesn't sound fun to me. xD Seriously though, if I do date someone I want it to be because I would consider that they may be the person I someday marry. I really don't think my friend is that person for me. In least not right now. So yeah...no dating for me yet!

Edit: On another subject, as for dating a non-Christian, isn't there always the chance you could show them faith? Help them believe, help bring them to God? Then again, I guess it all depends on the person right?

[TWWK]

Edit: On another subject, as for dating a non-Christian, isn't there always the chance you could show them faith? Help them believe, help bring them to God? Then again, I guess it all depends on the person right?

Yeah, that's frequently brought up. And certainly there's that chance...but I can think of three negative aspects:

1. Is is biblical? There are the verses in the Bible about being yolked with a non-believer (2 Corinthians 6:14-18).

2. What happens if that person doesn't become a believer? That's going to cause a LOT of heartache for you. And if you eventually marry a non-believer, there are going to be very big difficulties in your marriage and family life.

3. Kind of related to the verses in my first point, influences travel both ways. You could be the one who starts to change rather than the other way around.

[Tsukuyomi]

I would suggest not going out on this.. get together, but you did say you were starting to like this guy, right? I'm sure this dinner date will be somewhere public right? So, you'll be alone, but not alone.. y'know? You should give it a try if you're not uncomfortable with all of it ^^ Nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend, right? He might think otherwise, but be sure to tell him you wish to remain friends and if something were to happen, you wish to get to know him first ^^

[armeck]

just curious, would you be uncomfortable being alone with a friend that is a guy who doesn't "like" you? like, just two friends hanging out and what not?

[TopazRaven]

just curious, would you be uncomfortable being alone with a friend that is a guy who doesn't "like" you? like, just two friends hanging out and what not?

Honestly...maybe. I'm very shy, especially with those of the opposite gender. Though I was fine on the few occusions I was alone with my best friend's boyfriend so I don't know.

[armeck]

Honestly...maybe. I'm very shy, especially with those of the opposite gender. Though I was fine on the few occusions I was alone with my best friend's boyfriend so I don't know.

okay, well i was just wondering because of... well i don't want to get off of subject so if you want to know i can pm you. but it's not a big deal or anything

[TopazRaven]

You can PM me if you like. xD

[That Dude]

I don't know if you've already gone on this get together yet (which it sounds like you haven't) but if you don't mind I'll toss in my two cents...

If, in spite of everything you do to say that you don't like him, he continues flirting and trying to win you over, there's really only one thing that you can do...Cut it off. He may be your friend, but he will never learn if there isn't consequences for his actions. I've learned over these last few years that the only real way to have a guy get over you is to crush all his hope of ever having anything. We guys will hold on forever if we see even the slightest opening. So...What I'd personally do in this situation if I were you would be to set up some guidelines and give him one more chance to respect them, and if he doesn't, completely cut him off for as long as it takes for him to realize it's time to move on. It doesn't sound nice, but trust me, it is the most loving thing that you can do for him.

There's my two cents for you.

[TopazRaven]

I don't know if you've already gone on this get together yet (which it sounds like you haven't) but if you don't mind I'll toss in my two cents...

If, in spite of everything you do to say that you don't like him, he continues flirting and trying to win you over, there's really only one thing that you can do...Cut it off. He may be your friend, but he will never learn if there isn't consequences for his actions. I've learned over these last few years that the only real way to have a guy get over you is to crush all his hope of ever having anything. We guys will hold on forever if we see even the slightest opening. So...What I'd personally do in this situation if I were you would be to set up some guidelines and give him one more chance to respect them, and if he doesn't, completely cut him off for as long as it takes for him to realize it's time to move on. It doesn't sound nice, but trust me, it is the most loving thing that you can do for him.

There's my two cents for you.

Thank you very kindly for the advice. I have not yet gone, it's been postponed until Sunday and another friend should be coming with us so I feel in least a little more relived. I can see your point. I'll have a talk with him in person some point soon about this. I don't think having a convo like that over Facebook would be appropritae. Lol.

[That Dude]

Yeah a facebook conversation wouldn't be the best...I wish you well in your conversation, just remember to be resolute regardless of how you feel at the moment...It will be the best for him if you can cut it all off long enough for him to get over you. (Which may be a while...But it's what's needed) Anyway good luck! Just let up a little prayer that things will go well on Sunday for you.

[TopazRaven]

Thank you! FB, I am addicted to it I think.

[That Dude]

Ahh Facebook addiction...Fun stuff.