My life

[Aedin]

I was gonna post this in the prayer request section, but it's not a prayer request. I was gonna put it in the introduction thread, but I"m not new to this site.

I'm just posting, to help people maybe understand me a little bit, and to hopefully maybe find some of the people I"m looking for.


There's so many details, it would take months, if not years, to explain it all, so I'll try to keep it simple. And a few years (around five years ago) something happened, that I still don't fully understand, but it made me forget the vast majority of my life, so I'll just say what I can remember.

My family, growing up, basically tried to convince me to always hold everything inside, to not talk to anyone about anything. Everytiem I tried to talk to them about things, they'd twist things to make it my fault, or basically just act like none of it mattered. Just grew up basically being told that almost every single thing I did was wrong, everything I thought or believed was wrong and untrue, and that nothing I did was ever good enough. A lot of the times I was happy or excited, my family shut me down. There was so much stress in my life, that I had no way of letting out, I eventually started making myself forget what happened. That gout out of hand, and now I don't remember most of my life. I now have deep-seated issues that everything I do is wrong, I"m a horrible person, and noone can ever love me or be my friend or put up with me. And that's been reinforced by almost every person I've met. Almost every person I've met in my life, has ignored me, or i try to talk to them about common interests and stuff, and they ignore me. Then I break down, talk about my problems, and they get **** at me about "always talking about my problems" and "manipulating people to feel sorry for me" and stuff like that. Yet they always ignore the times I tried to talk about things besides my problems, and they just wouldn't talk to me. I'd literally say 80 to 90 percent of the people I've met, have for some reason always twisted things to make everything wrong, look like my fault. And I have deep-seated issues with blaming myself for everything, and hating myself, so I'm definetely not the kind of guy who blames everyone else for everything, I blame myself for everything. I've met people who saw that, and told me not to blame myself for everything. Yet every time that person then did something to hurt me, and I tried to talk about things and clear them up, they'd get **** at me and tell me to stop blaming everyone else for my problems. 80 to 90 percent of the people I've met in my life, have lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me, confused me, un apologetically, and tried to convince me everything wrong isalways my fault. Most of those people have been Christians. And I continue to meet Christians like that. I've tried to find Churches in my area. Except everyone in the churches I've been to, have been like the people I've met. They don't know you, so they ignore you, and if you try to get to know them, they basically make you feel terrible about yourself, and twist things to make you feel worse. I've been in an extreme anxiety attack, all day every day, for the past week or so. Two or three nights ago, I almost decided to OD on my anti-anxiety pills, to put myself into a coma, believing that noone would ever care or miss me. And that's what hurts the most. Not that so many people, so many Christians, have done those things to me, or made all my emotional issues worse, but that so many of them have never cared. That they're not sorry, and so many things have happened to me, for so long, that it's gotten to the point where I'm fully convinced I'll never have real friends. And that if I do make friends, I'm still convinced they'll abandon me or lie to me or betray me. I've been working on getting closer to God and all, but yet I still don't see how anyone will ever love me or put up with me, especially because people I trust keep showing me that that's true. I don't want to be the guy who talks about my problems all the time. I just want friends who can help me with my Christian walk, who will care about me, and talk to me, and who we can share interests with and talk about them together, maybe play videogames together. Yet it feels everyone I meet who could be that person, something goes wrong. I screw up, they abandon me, or they won't talk to me on the one form of communication that doesn't give me anxiety attacks, or whatnot. I'm not going to name names, but I've even had multiple people on this site, who I felt insulted me, belittled me, and demeaned me, for having serious problems I needed help with. And then I tried to talk other people, and most of teh people I tried talking to, just defended the ones who hurt me. And that hasn't happened just here, it's happened on other Christian sites too. I used to be on one Christian site, where a staff member told a suicidal girl to just kill herself. I lost my temper (because stuff like that makes me really angry) and just kinda railed at the guy. Yet everyone on that site only cared taht I railed at the guy, they didn't care at all that he told a suicidal girl to kill herself, and then he called her a "pseudo-Christian".

I'm just tired of people always only caring what I do wrong, or never caring how I'm hurt, or acting like everything I do is wrong, and ignoring my explanations, or twisting my explanantions to make me sound worse.

I've been on the verge of tears, and in the middle of an anxiety attack, all day every day for the past week or so. I've decided to try to find sites, to hopefully find Christian gamer friends who can help me (Christians because I"d like to discuss faith, and discuss books about faith that I've been reading, and gamers, so we have some common interests to talk about). And every site I find, I realize, I have no freakin clue how to meet people or talk to people. Most of the tiem, on sites I find, I post things, and people usually barely respond. Then I go through random profiles, send messages to random people, and I find friends that way. I Joined this one social anxiety site, but there's always like a hundred people logged in on that site, same with another Christian site I found. I can't go through hundreds of frickin profiles, with my susceptibility to stress and depression and anxiety, it'll drive me insane. And I can't stop thinking, what if I meet peopel that seem cool, but they betray me too, or things just don't work out. I'm tired of being a freak noone can love or put up with. I'm tired of things failing no matter how hard I try. I'm trying to keep hope that like, I'll find a site, post a bit in some sections, and people will respond, and I'll find friends that way, and maybe some help with the site, but that hope never sticks with me. I hate myself so much, especially because all the people I've met who have been mean to me because I have problems, they always have some group of friends who loves them and thinks they're awesome, and it always makes me think, what's so bad about me, that nooen can love me and put up with me, yet all these people that seem so mean and uncaring have all these friends. Why is it that so many people have been so mean to me, ignored me when I try to talk, then later rail at me for talking about problems, yet noone cares about that stuff? I'm not gonna bore everyone with the details, but I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and while I'd never kill myself (I don't have any way to pull it off, and I researched the meds I take, and ODing on them would never result in suicide) I'm still struggling with feeling alone and hopeless, like nothing will work out, noone will ever love me and support me, I'll never find the friends I want, and it sucks so much. I know of all these people who are close friends, and either hang out all the time, or were onlien friends, and then met up, and are still close friends, or got married or whatnot, and I just wish I could have hope that something like that could happen for me. But it just feels like alld my online friendshps, will either go nowhere, or I'll be betrayed me, or they'd never trust me to meet me in person. I just feel so **** lonely and hopeless and it sucks. Trying really hard that if I find sites to post on and make friends on, that either it'll be easy to find the people to talk to, or that they'll find me and contact me, but right now it's too hard to believe.

Edit: As expected, I forgot to add some stuff. I'm a big fan of justice. When someone does something wrong, or hurtful, it bothers me. It drives me insane, and sometimes it takes a long tiem, and therapy, to cope with it (because it bothers me that much) so when it happens again and again, especially to me, it really screws me up. Just hard to get over my anger and frustration at those situations. I've also been betrayed by almost every girl I loved. My first girlfriend, she left me for a man she knew to be an alcoholic pedophile (not even joking, and then she left me again for a guy she knew lied to her about everything about him, and used her to cheat on his girlfriend he had two kids with. SHe knew all that when she left me for him, and then most of the girls after that (except one) either just lied to me, or left me for guys who had either already cheated on them, or it was incredibly obvious they would cheat and wouldn't be good boyfriends. Just gets annoying. It really hurts the self-esteem, that I tried so hard to be so caring, to always be tehre for them and love them (and I didn't do any of the stuff you see in lists like "Top Ten Things Nice Guys Do Wrong") and then they always pass me up for, orl eave me for, guys that either it's obvious they'll be bad people, or they end up being bad people.

[SeraphicCharm]

hang in there, Aedin. I'm praying my heart and soul out for you. God feels your pain, and so do I. You are loved, treasured above all that this world could ever give.

[goldenspines]

Aedin, I'm going to be very frank with you, please look over your post and notice how many times you use "always" and "everyone". I am deeply sorry for the terrible ways you've been treated in the past, but you cannot generalize everyone into one group because of the small amount of people you've met (the world is a huge place and no two people are alike).

But please, Aedin, take a deep breath and look around you. Has anyone ignored your threads here? Or ignoring any comments you've been making? You can't hold onto the past and assume that every Christian site will be the same. And you also can't assume that things will never get better. No one knows the future, only God knows it and He has your best interests in mind.

An example coming from my own life concerns another Christian site I was on a while ago, with people I trusted dearly. Yet, when I was attacked by another member in a brutal and emotionally abusive way, these "trusted friends" of mine wouldn't back me up at all. In fact, they blamed me for it and called my own behavior "shameful". I had been a loyal member of that site for 5 years and they threw me out and spat back at me like I was yesterday's trash.
It seems from your post that you can relate to this feeling. Yet, I knew that not all Christians were like that. Granted, it was hard to open up to others after that, it is something I struggle with God over.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for sympathy for my past, I'm simply illustrating that you're not alone in your struggles in life, Aedin. No one has a perfect life. In fact, many people have sucky lives.

But, please, please, if you get nothing else out of my post, please understand this. Place your trust in God. Don't worry whether you will be accepted or loved by people. Because God will always accept you and love you, so you don't have to worry.

[Beau Soir]

I suggest that you push the idea of blaming aside. It doesn't solve anything, and it seems to be making you more upset. What I think is that it doesn't matter whose fault it is or whoever did something, it's how the situation is dealt with when it comes at hand. When someone wrongs you or hurts you, the choice is yours whether to be offended and become angry, or to keep moving forward, learn how to handle the situation better next time, and forgive them like you would want to be forgiven.

I see that you keep demeaning yourself, and while I do not intend to blame you, I will say that honestly that insulting yourself does not help either... in fact, I think it is holding you back and stunting future growth. If you don't love yourself and don't think you're worthy of anything, I wonder how it is that you expect others to think the opposite? Because you do not seem to trust others, think of yourself as your own biggest fan- and God as well, because His healing love for you is unfailing and persevering. According to Romans 8:39, "No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If you keep clinging onto the wrongs and picking at the scars that others have done to you in the past, they will continue to sour your outlook on people. How I wish you lived near me so we could hang out and talk about this! I love to listen and give advice when it's welcomed, and in fact I do it on a daily basis. If you want to talk more about what's troubling you, please feel free to tell me. I would also love to get a reply here!

Speaking of friends, I responded to your private message! You were the first person to talk to me on this site, and I can't tell you how happy and welcomed it made me feel to have someone strike up a good conversation even though I'm new here. I'm waiting patiently for your reply!!

[Aedin]

Mainly responding to goldie here.

I undersdtand everything you mean. I believe the reason I"m like that, is a result of the stuff I've gone through. One thing I'm gonna talk to my Christian counselor about, is helping me let go of the past and all. And it';s like, I know not every Christian will be so bad (I'm Christian, and I'm not like that, and I can't be the only one) it's just when something happens again and again and again, the fear starts to slowly build up, ya know? And it's also not just fear taht everyone will be mean or ignore me or whatever, it's also teh fear I'll always screw up and drive everyone off. Just used to people not taking the time to get to know me, or getting to knoww me and then disappearing on me and becoming mean to me. Takes a while to get over years of issues like that

Also, goldie, you mind PMing me the name of that forum you used to be on? I'd like to know the name of it so i can avoid it if I come across it.

And since my edit on the original post was too long:


I've been shy my whole life,but I try my best to talk to people, and make friends. Because of my anxiety, I like taking things slow, and talking on stuff like AIM, which is the only online form of communication where I barely feel any anxiety. Just hoping to make some Christian anime/gamer friends who are willing to support me and try to understand me, and me them, and have patience, and talk to, and basically just hang out discussing things and play games together. That, or that God will bring those people to me lol. Just talk about games, anime, life, and books with. I've also been reading lots of Christian help books lately, stuff like "Where Is God When It Hurts" and stuff like that, and I Think it'd be fun to discuss that stuff with friends, whoever I make friends with or whenever it happens. I guess that's really all I"m looking for.

[goldenspines]

[quote="Aedin (post: 1369904)"]Mainly responding to goldie here.

I undersdtand everything you mean. I believe the reason I"m like that, is a result of the stuff I've gone through. One thing I'm gonna talk to my Christian counselor about, is helping me let go of the past and all. And it']
I understand. A built up fear like that can't be got over in a day or even in a short time. But the fact that you actively try to get over it and pursue God is a step in the right direction. Therefore, I will keep you in my prayers and hope I can encourage you in your journey.

On the subject of not looking back to the past, I don't hold a grudge against the site I mentioned since it wasn't the whole site that mistreated me, but only a selected few members. I believe in second chances and even though I was mistreated, I think the site deserves to not be held accountable for the actions of a few members. Therefore, I'd rather not give out the name of it. I hope you can understand.

[That Dude]

Aedin, first of all, feel free to PM me any time, I'm not always a great friend or the best christian or anything, but I will listen and pray for you.

Secondly, I think it might do you good to study deeply into Christ's atoning work on the cross...We do constantly screw things up and act like idiots (I'm not saying that you are or aren't) but Christ died so he could take all your personal crap onto himself and carry your burden for you. It wasn't just a little thing that he did so people could go to heaven...It was so much more. So that might bring some comfort to you.

I know that it isn't easy, I've had my own issues, and it's a daily struggle but just remember to give it up to the Lord...And remember that like the old hymn says; "there is no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey." God doesn't want our faith to be based on our works, but our works to be an out-flowing of our faith. So remember the only thing that you can do is just trust God and obey him and allow him to take your burdens upon himself.

Also one other thing to take comfort in is that there are many other people who are every bit as screwed up and emotionally damaged. There's no shame in being that way, in fact in in our weakness God is made strong, read 2nd Corinthians 12:1-10.

So as I said, feel free to PM me, I can't offer much but I will offer whatever I have.

[Anystazya]

Hmm...I had a long post written out in reply, but after refreshing the page and seeing others' replies as well as yours, I'll shorten and change some things a bit.

Basically, I'm not really understanding why you are so caught up in how humans think of you or treat you, when all that really matters at the end of the day is God. Well, I know that it's hard, because I've had Christian friends and people I trust stab me in the back and be truly mean to me, but back then, to state it simply, I was immature and ignorant. I didn't know God like I do now. Sure, what they did was not right or Christian-like, but the way I handled it wasn't as I should have. I didn't need to cry myself to sleep those nights, or torment myself with thoughts of things that happened and do not matter anymore. Because God loves me. What greater love is there than the love of the One who created every detail of the universe? He sent Jesus, his son, to die for you. He would have done it even if you were the only person on Earth, because He loves you.

You seem to be yearning for the imperfect love of humans more than God's perfect love for you. I think it's good that you're looking to let go of the past, and I'll also pray that God's spirit will come and allow you to do so. Looking back on my life, and how I used to hang on to things, I'm understanding you a bit more. I hope and pray you'll be able to move on and lead a God-lead life. Pray and ask Him to let his love wash over you and fill your heart.

You're free to PM me any time if you need someone to talk to.

May God bless you.

[steenajack]

Hey there Aiden,
I just want to say no matter what the circumstance God is always with you. Jesus loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. He will never let you down, He will never hurt you, He will always come through, and He will be your everlasting friend. He is there to talk, to listen, to counsel. He is always available cause He's right there in your heart.

If you would like, feel free to PM me anytime. I'll be willing to listen (or read) what you have to say, and offer wise counsel when needed.

[SnoringFrog]

Not gonna say much because most of it's been said already, but hang in there. Life sucks, we all deal with that to some degree, the trick is learning to realize that the way to deal with it is to rely on God to get you through it. The worst part about that is that He's not always going to act immediately. Sometimes, God might just being trying to teach you something that you're not getting into your head for whatever reason, other time, you can be doing everything right and it'll seem like He's not helping out at all; I've been there, it was horrible, but soon after that had passed I began to see why it had happened. That has helped me learn to deal with various other trials too.

Stay in Scripture, stay in prayer. Being close to God no matter how tough it gets is essential. A few good (and pretty short, so they're easy to memorize and recall) verses that help me out are Philippians 4:13 and 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. You should check those out and work on keeping them in your head and following them. I guarantee you're not always going to want to live them (especially 1Thess5:16 and 18), but you'll be better off if you do.

I'd tell you to PM me, but you've already done that. Feel free to keep that up.

[Lochaber Axe]

As many people here have said, and it is truthful, you cannot rely fully upon mortal man for fellowship and love. You can find it, but it is transient; it doesn't last long. People sometimes betray or neglect someone simply out of ignorance and not malice. Sometimes out of fear, they lash out at the people closest to them because they know nothing better. People choose horrible partners out of a need they feel they possess.

People make bad choices because sometimes they just don't see the better alternatives.

None of this is your fault. You are in control of only your own actions. If you did nothing to cause an effect to transpire, then give it to God. When you feel blame settle inside you, commit it to Him in prayer right then and leave it there. The worst thing you can do is play keep away with God.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2012:22-34&version=NIV

The Lord has a use for what has transpired in your life. Since you still live and breath, it has not defeated you. If you abide in the Lord then it cannot because it is powerless in His presence.

Lastly, ask unto to the Lord for joy. Pray constantly for happiness and joy in your life. Where there is this, there cannot abide anxiety. Even if this prayer is not answered, just by praying do you draw closer to God. There is nothing else that is as tangible and perfect.

Brother, none of us are alone, we who are called by the Shepherd. Commit His words to your mind and heart and revel in His love.

[AnimeGirl]

Just never stop praying, Aedin-kun! It is your vital connection to God, a connection that NO ONE can take away from you! There's been alot in my life that has happened that I didn't understand, but by looking back I know why it happened, and I am glad it all did, otherwise I wouldn't of gotten up to this point. Like it says in the book of James "Count it all joy when you go into various trials" it can seem like a hard pill to swallow, but sort of look at life as a story, and God's the author. Of course, He is only the author if you let Him take the pen, otherwise something else could be writing it. Just always pray, even if you spill your heart out and soak the floor with tears, give everything to Him, let Him take control, and constantly pray and read your Bible. One of the most amazing feelings is when He answers your prayer, knowing He's listening. You WILL find true friends, just ask God to bring them to you!

[Phantom_Sorano]

Aedin...

It hurts me greatly to read what you have gone through and what you are feeling. My childhood was quite similiar and I had sooooo many days that you have described. Even though you might not be able to see it now, God WILL make things happen. Things...and changes for the better.
When you have been told all of these negative things, you begin to believe them and you have become what they have wanted. God loves you and knows this is not true, even though sometimes you don't. You ARE strong, you ARE smart, you ARE talented, you ARE amazing! God made you that way! And He will never put you down!
He wants you to talk to Him, He wants you to cry out, to let it all loose, to bury your head in His shoulder and just to let it all out. Do it! It will make you stronger! Talk with Him, in anyway possible, and NEVER give up hope.
Jeremiah 29:11.....my code. Read it. Remember it. He will bring you out of this. He has a better plan for you, I promise.

[rocklobster]

The beginning of Jeremiah should also be committed to memory too.

[That Dude]

Woops sorry wrong tab! Anyway I hope that you've been able to find encouragement Aedin!

[Lynna]

I cried as I read this thread.

Theres not much I can say that others havn't said. However theres this : try and forgive the people who have hurt you. Why? Because holding bitterness and anger in your heart is like tieing brick after brick after brick onto your back. Bitterness can destroy you, and I have seen what it can do to people in my life, far more times than I would ever wish to. The road of forgivness is a long and hard one, but it's worth it it really is.
God loves you more than you could ever imagine. I know you have probably heard that so many times it's getting a little tiring but it's far truer than anyone could possibly discribe. Try to listen to his voice, because he willl never ever ever put you down or make you feel ashamed. He will encourage you and lift you up. He will never betray you or let you down. The people of thas life will, but he never ever will. You can trust him with every thing
Don't put yourself down, It is a lie of the devil!(did you know that 'Satan' means 'accuser'?) of course, you're bound to mess up sometimes, and all we have to do then is go to God and ask for forgivnes, and he will wipe our sins away, so it as if they had never happened
also, please don't kill yourself. God has a wonderfull plan for your life, a plan of Joy and Happiness. If you give up now, you will never see it.
You can PM me anytime! I often feel lonely to, so I would just love it! You can talk about anything it deosn't matter what! I'll listen, I promise.

[TGJesusfreak]

Aedin, I want you to know that I can feel your pain. None wanting to exept me for who I am everyone rejects me. The "Christians" are not true christians. I try to be excepting of the fact that they just don't care to hear my problems... But it's hard for me. They always shame you into that its always your fault. It may be partly my fault for something but according to them it's "all your fault and shut up and move on."

I all for moving on. But when they say things like that it doesn't help for you to "move on." Because I understand that my freind is Jesus. I hold to him. He will provide for you. He will be your shelter in this storm. He will hold you in his arms and he will never let you go. even if you turn away he is behind you waiting for you. I guess what my point is here is that Jesus is there no matter what. He LOVES you. We love you with the love of God and anyone who doesn't is not a good christian.

I have a sister who is multi-handicapped she loves life. One of our best freinds has a mild form of autism (he's silly and random has OCD but he's pretty much a regular guy). What I'm saying is that I accept you for who you are just as I accept my friend and my sister You are a child of God.

As for me I would like you to know that I am willing to be your freind and I have already accepted who you are, no matter what your problems are. I am willing to be there to help you if you want. I will listen to any thing you have to say. feel free to PM me.

I am also a fan of justice I don't like peop;e getting away with things that are obviously wrong. Especialy if it hurts another person.

Know that my prayers are with you Aedin.

However theres this : try and forgive the people who have hurt you. Why? Because holding bitterness and anger in your heart is like tieing brick after brick after brick onto your back. Bitterness can destroy you, and I have seen what it can do to people in my life, far more times than I would ever wish to. The road of forgivness is a long and hard one, but it's worth it it really is.

Very very good statment.

[Aedin]

I'm gonna make a general response first, and then respond to each specific message (a mod or someone is gonna have to combine all my posts into one, cause I don't know how to do multiple quotes).

First off, I try not to generalize, I'm not even sure how I got into the habit of saying stuff like "always" and "everyone" I guess it's cause stuff happened so often, or so many people did something, it just became easier for me (since this has been going on since I was young) to say always and everyone, instead of trying to figure out real numbers.

And goldie's right, so far, it doesn't feel like anyone's been ignoring me, and to be honest, the site seems a lot better now than it used to be (I won't name names, but some of the people who in the past, helped cause me to decide to leave for as long as I did, have been posting in my threads and seemed nice) it's just for so long, I've had people I trusted, who betrayed me, and friends, who I thought everything was cool (including my stepsister) and then one day, out of nowhere, they either get angry and rail at me, and then either I feel really bad, and try to talk it out, get it all sorted, and they won't listen, and blame me for it all, or they just stop talking to me. People I've known for years, this has happened with. Just recently, I lost one of my best friends, (I'm actually crying about all this at the moment, to be honest) and recently one of her friends started talking to me, about how my friend thinks I'm like a creepy stalker, and something about me wanting bikini pictures and to have sex with her (which none of that was true, and even if it had been true, I wouldn't have mentioned it to her) and it's just like, stuff like that has happened so often, I think things are ok, then people get mad at me, or turn out to be crazy, or get their friends to rail at me, that I can't stop thinking, how often does that have to happen to me? How many people do I have to meet, that seem nice, seem to care, and then make things up about me, twist me, or just plain get sick of me and mad at me? I know I"ve always been an emotional wimp, but it still hurts, and it still gets to me, and builds up, and it's made it so even on a site like this, where lots of people (I don't know how many, at least ten) have responded to my threads, and seemed nice and helpful, some part of me still thinks "how many of them will get sick of me and leave? how many will end up thinking I'm some kind of creepy stalker weirdo and stop talking to me?" And I don't mean to be distrusting (hopefully everyone who has read this thread will understand, but I've even talked to people off of this site (on stuff like AIM, which is my preferred method of communication) and I still can't stop wondering if anyone will stick with me. I loved my friend. I was in love with her. I still can't believe she's gone. I'm trying to trust God more that everything happens for a reason, that all the people I didn't meet (like tons of peopel who seem to have disappeared from this site and other sites I've visited, or people i see at school) that there's a reason I didn't meet them, and that maybe he'll guide me to the friends I want. I just wish I Knew how he would do it. I'm gonna see my Christian counselor tomorrow, hopefully he'll help me learn how to let go of the past.

Kaede's response is gonna take a lot of thought, so I'll respond to it later lol.

[Aedin]

[quote="That Dude (post: 1369911)"]Aedin, first of all, feel free to PM me any time, I'm not always a great friend or the best christian or anything, but I will listen and pray for you.

Secondly, I think it might do you good to study deeply into Christ's atoning work on the cross...We do constantly screw things up and act like idiots (I'm not saying that you are or aren't) but Christ died so he could take all your personal crap onto himself and carry your burden for you. It wasn't just a little thing that he did so people could go to heaven...It was so much more. So that might bring some comfort to you.

I know that it isn't easy, I've had my own issues, and it's a daily struggle but just remember to give it up to the Lord...And remember that like the old hymn says]

You bring up many good points. Any suggestions on studying that kind of stuff and "giving it up to the Lord"? I'm trying to be better about just giving things to him, but I've never really learned or been taught how to do that, and I've met a lot of Christians who talk about that kind of thing, but they always ended up being total flakes, and never seeming to truly care about anyone or anything, so I'm trying to get over those "concepts" too ("concepts" are what I call beliefs that have like, grown, and taken hold over years, like, you know, almost everything I"ve talked about in this thread). You're right about the whole "no shame" part. I'm just too used to people just being less than nice, or less than supportive, or just mean, cause of my stuff. And then I've met people who know my issues, and still got mad and fed up with me. So I know there's people out there who have my issues, or similar issues, my worry is just whether they'll accept me or not.

[Aedin]

Hmm...I had a long post written out in reply, but after refreshing the page and seeing others' replies as well as yours, I'll shorten and change some things a bit.

Basically, I'm not really understanding why you are so caught up in how humans think of you or treat you, when all that really matters at the end of the day is God. Well, I know that it's hard, because I've had Christian friends and people I trust stab me in the back and be truly mean to me, but back then, to state it simply, I was immature and ignorant. I didn't know God like I do now. Sure, what they did was not right or Christian-like, but the way I handled it wasn't as I should have. I didn't need to cry myself to sleep those nights, or torment myself with thoughts of things that happened and do not matter anymore. Because God loves me. What greater love is there than the love of the One who created every detail of the universe? He sent Jesus, his son, to die for you. He would have done it even if you were the only person on Earth, because He loves you.

You seem to be yearning for the imperfect love of humans more than God's perfect love for you. I think it's good that you're looking to let go of the past, and I'll also pray that God's spirit will come and allow you to do so. Looking back on my life, and how I used to hang on to things, I'm understanding you a bit more. I hope and pray you'll be able to move on and lead a God-lead life. Pray and ask Him to let his love wash over you and fill your heart.

You're free to PM me any time if you need someone to talk to.

May God bless you.

I'm not sure what you mean by "immature and ignorant" because I know generally, I try, and succeed, to be neither.

As to all your other points, it would take way too long to explain why I am the way I am. I also don't understand the parts of your post about like, well, just to straight quote "Well, I know that it's hard, because I've had Christian friends and people I trust stab me in the back and be truly mean to me, but back then, to state it simply, I was immature and ignorant. I didn't know God like I do now. Sure, what they did was not right or Christian-like, but the way I handled it wasn't as I should have. I didn't need to cry myself to sleep those nights, or torment myself with thoughts of things that happened and do not matter anymore." The part about crying and tormenting myself and all, those are aspects of me that have been building up for years, I don't remember why, I don't remember most of my life, all I know is that's who I am.

I haven't been Christian very long. I've met lots of Christians who talk about different concepts "giving it all to God, feeling God's love for you" and all stuff like that, but none who have helped me figure out how to do or understand those things. Doesn't help I've had a learning disorder my whole life that it took nineteen years for anyone to figure out anything about.

[steenajack]

Hello Aiden,
I've read your posts, and I want to offer you a little piece of hope. Something I've learned in life (and from other people) is that all the people you meet in life are like a tree. It's kind of like a family tree. Let's just say, you are the trunk of that tree, and all the leaves, branches, and roots are people that have been a part of your life.
Some people are like leaves, you know them for a short while but they will only be with you for a season. They are weak and have shallow bonds. They eventually fall off season to season, you may get new ones, but sooner or later they'll fall off as well. These represent people who are there for a season. They are there to teach you a lesson that will only take a season to learn, then they fall away.
Next, we have branches. They seem to have a strong bond at first, and last a bit longer than the leaves, but sometimes they break off out of nowhere. Again, you may grow new ones, but they may break as well. These represent people that are there for a reason, they teach you lesson that has a much bigger impact than the seasonal lessons.
Finally, we have the people who are like the roots. They are a bit rare, and hard to find, but they have such a strong impact. Strong enough to last a long time. They will never leave. These people are there to teach you a lesson that lasts a lifetime. Their bond is firm and their love is true. They won't break away, they'll only grow larger and stronger, and help you become stronger on your path as well.
God is different from the roots because He is the one who gives you life. He is the soil that fertilizes you and your roots, the sun that energizes you and your leaves, and the water that nurtures you and your branches. Like the sun, soil, and water God's always gonna be there, no matter what.
That is what the Holy Spirit led me to say to you. I hope these words offered some insight and made you hopeful. I'll be praying for you my fellow bro, and I'll let you know that I'm listening and God's listening. God has a big plan for you. He has many great things in store for you, they may not happen right away, but when they do it'll be joyously wonderful. God's timing is not our timing, but it's always perfect.

[Rusty Claymore]

Heya Aedin, First off, you played an all to familiar tune in your first post. Many times I have felt similar, yet you have definately felt a higher level than I ever have. But I think all you have to do is look at these 21+ posts to know you are not ignored here! n.n And, I mean this seriously, God FORBID that I should ever say something is all your fault, or any similar statement. Period. I honestly hope to be able to connect with you sometime and chat!! But keep in mind that, as quoted from one of my fav authors, "I am mortal and liable to fall!" but, "The righteous man falls seven times, but the wicked man falls once and is destroyed." May I be an encouragement to you! n.n/)

[Aedin]

but sort of look at life as a story, and God's the author. Of course, He is only the author if you let Him take the pen, otherwise something else could be writing it.

you don't know how close that comes. The truth is, though, he's always the Author anyway. My connection to God has always been more intellectual, not so much emotional like everyone else's. The only thing that bothers me, is the thought of not being able to make local friends, and having online friends, that I can never meet. I'm so massively screwed up in the head. I have online friends who want me to travel and meet them. KagayakiWashi and I are planning on meeting up eventually (Which is nice, cause he's one of the best friends I've ever had, and I love him, it also feels weird posting that on CAA, since everyone here knows Kaga) yet for some still reason I'm afraid every close online friend I make will think I'm a creepy stalker or something, and nothing will work out.

I really need prayer. Because the more I think about it all, the more I realize a ton of my problems stem from feeling alone, and unloved. And the last few people who made me feel loved, betrayed me, in ways I'd rather not detail. I just want to be known, to share knowledge I can't begin to put into words, to be loved. I Know it sounds like I'm being self-pitying, and just being stupid or whatever, but for years now I haven't felt loved by anyone, and it's gotten to the point where I wonder if I can ever feel loved. I think that's part of my problem with God. It's late, I'm rambling and not making any sense, I should shut up lol. I guess it's just, I know I'm a good person, just had years of literally almost every person in my life trying to convince me otherwise. I just want to be known and loved, and I've had so many people leave, or not to get to know me, I'm afraid I'll become close friends with people, yet never truly know them or them know me. I hate this. I hate feeling alone, and feeling unloved, not being able to see ways things can work out. And as pathetic as it sounds, I can't even ask for help.

And what I hate most, is that there's reasons for people to not get as close to me as I'd like. There's so many screwed up people out there, that people have to stay safe, and that means I have to (most of the time) miss out on what I'd like.

I've been praying for so long, to have peace and joy, to find the friends I want. YEt something always go wrong, I always find people I don't connect with, or they live too far away, or we don't have any common interests. I just wonder if anything will ever work out. I wish I knew how God would lead me to certain places or sites or people. I wish people could see and understand my life as I do. Because to be honest, it's the most beautiful expression of God I could ever imagine.

[Aedin]

I cried as I read this thread.

Theres not much I can say that others havn't said. However theres this : try and forgive the people who have hurt you. Why? Because holding bitterness and anger in your heart is like tieing brick after brick after brick onto your back. Bitterness can destroy you, and I have seen what it can do to people in my life, far more times than I would ever wish to. The road of forgivness is a long and hard one, but it's worth it it really is.
God loves you more than you could ever imagine. I know you have probably heard that so many times it's getting a little tiring but it's far truer than anyone could possibly discribe. Try to listen to his voice, because he willl never ever ever put you down or make you feel ashamed. He will encourage you and lift you up. He will never betray you or let you down. The people of thas life will, but he never ever will. You can trust him with every thing
Don't put yourself down, It is a lie of the devil!(did you know that 'Satan' means 'accuser'?) of course, you're bound to mess up sometimes, and all we have to do then is go to God and ask for forgivnes, and he will wipe our sins away, so it as if they had never happened
also, please don't kill yourself. God has a wonderfull plan for your life, a plan of Joy and Happiness. If you give up now, you will never see it.
You can PM me anytime! I often feel lonely to, so I would just love it! You can talk about anything it deosn't matter what! I'll listen, I promise.

I do try and forgive. It's one of the things I Buy Christian books about, and it's something I talk to both of my counselors about.

One of the things that's bothered me most about people, is when they give up on talking to me because they think they're just repeating the same again and again or whatever. Telling me the same thing, again and again, helps reinforce it. Telling me the same thing, again and again, is never tiring. What is tiring, is when people give up on telling me things. I wish I Knew better how to hear his voice, what he says. I don't have any way to kill myself. None of my pills will do it, and I can't pull it off in any way without a gun, but guns are expensive, and I Know if I had the money for a gun, I'd always end up spending the money on something else. Also still have the memories of all the attempts, and the hotel rooms. So no, no suicide for me.

It's four in the morning, so I Just wanted to add this before I forgot. I Think part of my issues with trusting God, and feeling his love, and my belief of my inability to feel loved, stem from family issues. I'll expand more tomorrow if anyone asks, but to keep it simple, my dad was barely around growing up, then he walked out on us for another woman. He has not, to this day, every admitted he did anything wrong, or been the least bit sorry. I also have two half-sisters, one I haven't seen, or talked to, for fifteen years. Had a really weird family life.

[rocklobster]

Since you read Christian books, allow me to recommend a really good one: Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.

[steenajack]

I'd like to recommend a few books to you as well: The Misunderstood God and The Relationship Code both by Darin Hufford. I've never read these, but my mom has and she told me they were really good.

[Aedin]

Had a big panic attack today. Was dragged out shopping for hours, and I was just surrounded by people for so long, nad it just kept reminding me how I've never been able to make friends in this town. Everyone I meet either leaves, or aren't a good friend, or like to go out and party a lot or whatever, and it just made me feel so alone, made me feel like there's no hope. I'm trying to keep faith that GOd will send me friends, and the kind of relationship I want, but I keep seeing people, it keeps reminding me how alone I am, and I Just can't take it anymore. I hate being alone, I hate having to sit in front of a computer to talk to people, I wish I could text people, or hang out in person, or something, yet I've never been able to find those kind of people here in my town. JUst been on the verge of tears for literally like five hours today. And then I got home, and my mom was annoyed at me cause I hadn't emptied the dishwasher yet (she told me about it yesterday, but today she said she told me four days ago) and it's like, I'd been gone literally all day, and as soon as I come home, she's annoyed at me for not having done something that was physically impossible for me to do. Let alone the fact that I've beeni n the middle of an anxiety attack this pas tweek. She just doesn't care. Just grown up around people who don't care.

And I'll check out those books when I get a chance, thanks.

[That Dude]

Aedin, remember that the world doesn't have to suck so bad. Things are never going to get better while you keep thinking like that. Yeah life will always suck, people will never live up to your expectations, but despite that life can be good.

I know this might sound really mean, but you need to learn to get over yourself. You're focusing on things beyond your control and expecting that you can change things that you can't do anything about. You need to realize that this only causes you more pain and it's pointless. Nobody here wants to see you hurting, I know for sure I don't. But you need to change your way of thinking and viewing this things otherwise you will never be able to get out of this depression and over all your hurt. Christ died so he could take all of it on his shoulders...And it hurts him when you try and shoulder all the pain when he died so you don't have to do that.

Realize that you are loved and that the best way to grow is to reflect that love on to others. It's amazing how much good can happen with a little change of perspective.

I'm willing to help out as much as I can, but more importantly you need to be changing your perspective so you can overcome this.

[Anystazya]

I'm not sure what you mean by "immature and ignorant" because I know generally, I try, and succeed, to be neither.

As to all your other points, it would take way too long to explain why I am the way I am. I also don't understand the parts of your post about like, well, just to straight quote "Well, I know that it's hard, because I've had Christian friends and people I trust stab me in the back and be truly mean to me, but back then, to state it simply, I was immature and ignorant. I didn't know God like I do now. Sure, what they did was not right or Christian-like, but the way I handled it wasn't as I should have. I didn't need to cry myself to sleep those nights, or torment myself with thoughts of things that happened and do not matter anymore." The part about crying and tormenting myself and all, those are aspects of me that have been building up for years, I don't remember why, I don't remember most of my life, all I know is that's who I am.

I haven't been Christian very long. I've met lots of Christians who talk about different concepts "giving it all to God, feeling God's love for you" and all stuff like that, but none who have helped me figure out how to do or understand those things. Doesn't help I've had a learning disorder my whole life that it took nineteen years for anyone to figure out anything about.

I want to be able to say more and be of help to you in understanding. As for the parts in my previous post about how I was immature and ignorant before, I've simply come a long way from that point in my walk with God. I'm dealing with different things that affect me deeper now. (I'm more afraid of what demons can do to me than what humans can). People aren't going to be at the same point in their walk with God, and as you said you're a new Christian, I'm able to understand that you aren't at the same place I am. What I'm dealing with now as a Christian is the death of my grandma and the extreme realness of demons. Going through these things, and looking back on my old problems that I worried about, those things seem so little, so unimportant to me now. I guess that's how it's going to be in Heaven some day too. When we get there, nothing in this world will matter. This life on Earth will be like the blink of an eye.

If I'm still being confusing about something, just ask me, or anything. Read books if that helps, but the best book of all is the Bible.

I'm lucky to have been raised in a Christian home, be a pastor's daughter, with four close siblings and good friends (for the most part). I can only sympathize with you and what you've been through there, and I understand that what you're feeling isn't something I can understand. I understand that you've been hurt more than I have, and have been through some pretty harsh stuff. I also don't think it's wrong to cry. I still cry. But I ask God to comfort me and be there for me, and I know He is, because He's my Daddy and He loves me.

He loves you because he made you. He understands how you're feeling better than anyone else ever could. And to understand Him better, spend quality time in His Word. If finding a church is a problem, listen to pastor's online. You could get a better explanation there than I could ever give.

That said, I'd like to show you this video my sister showed me once. I believe it can be applied to your situation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-zR3h2UsR4

What he says is true. Jesus wants the Rose, even if the world doesn't. And I think That Dude is right. Christ died so he could take your pain onto his own shoulders.

Praying for you =)

[Aedin]

Everything's getting worse and I Don't know why. Posting all this was probably a mistake. I'm sorry if I bothered anyone.