Women pursuing men

[ChristianKitsune]

Or, he's realized the terrible truth, that women are the Most Frightening Creatures Known to Man in the History of Since Ever.

Boo!

In all seriousness, I'm not sure where i stand on this... I liked pursuing guys for a while, but after three turn downs I'm just kinda letting it glide you know?

My heart's been broken a lot by this I guess..^^]

On a related note, perhaps women are getting fed up with waiting for men to ask them out and that is why they are pursing men more often? I know my generation is marrying later than the ones before us.[/QUOTE]

This.

meh. *slinks off to corner of the thread*

[Jaltus-bot]

This made me laugh. I don't like aggressive guys. :/ they're usually jerks.

True, but if a man is ever to be a leader in a family, he should be a leading in a relationship-maybe not all the time, but certainly not leaving it all to the woman.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

You know who's the most aggressive guy ever?

Gaston.


Is that really the type of man you want? Every time you say yes, Shinji cries.

So we switching gender roles then?

[Midori]

Are there many Christian men who are nice guys without being this sort of "nice guy"? Men should be a little more assertive than women, since they should have more testosterone.

I wonder if sometimes guys are taught to not pursue dating women much. What do you guys think? Is that too much of an off topic question to ask, because I was reading Boundaries in Dating, and it referred that very popular book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and one person who was at seminar with Dr. Cloud (Boundaries author) and asked if dating was biblical. This was so different than Dr. Cloud had come across before that he wasn't sure he had heard right. I have heard things against dating from other Christians (please forgive my focus here) and the idea that we should only do courtship, so if you are not ready to consider marrying someone, there is no reason to go on a date from them. I don't often hear of this distinction in the secular world, but have heard of it and read of it from Christians. What think ye?

Personally I think that's merely the fact that Christians tend to be more socially conservative than others. Courtship and "calling" are more old-fashioned than dating, but in the end they're just a different style of romance, I think.

[Atria35]

I have heard things against dating from other Christians (please forgive my focus here) and the idea that we should only do courtship, so if you are not ready to consider marrying someone, there is no reason to go on a date from them. I don't often hear of this distinction in the secular world, but have heard of it and read of it from Christians. What think ye?

On a related note, perhaps women are getting fed up with waiting for men to ask them out and that is why they are pursing men more often? I know my generation is marrying later than the ones before us.

I know that because I really don't have time to hang out with guys, dating really is my only way of getting to know whether I want to marry a guy. He's just flipping the process that we're familiar with as dating and calling it something else.

As for being few up, I know that's part of my case, but also because I'm really bad at sending signals that I'm interested. Just.... really bad. So the only way I can express to a guy that I like him is by asking him out.

[Jaltus-bot]

[quote="ChristianKitsune (post: 1471684)"]My heart's been broken a lot by this I guess..^^]
I've been told I don't give guys a chance. I'm not sure how many are actually worth one.

I love you. I always have and I always will. What's your name again?


On dating vs. courtship

First reply
So what else exactly else exactly are Christian woman who would rather start a relationship with dating and then go to courtship if things are going well do if then never ask a guy out? Dating their platonic male friends? Court friends with brotherly love? Pretend they live several decades ago?

Second reply
I see courtship as a lot more serious than meeting for coffee or seeing a movie together when there might be some interest. Also, I have rarely heard of dating as having a chaperone past high school, and courtship done "properly" does have a chaperone, so I think it still carries an old fashioned connotation. This is what bugs me about it.

Love the role-reversal picture.

[K. Ayato]

I really couldn't care less what you decide on calling it. Dating, courting, going together (okay, that was the '80s), whatever. It's still a guy and girl spending time with each other and seeing if the attraction goes beyond platonic. And no method is "holier" than another.

Okay, I'm done.

[Jaltus-bot]

:mutter: I really couldn't care less what you decide on calling it. Dating, courting, going together (okay, that was the '80s), whatever. It's still a guy and girl spending time with each other and seeing if the attraction goes beyond platonic. And no method is "holier" than another.

Okay, I'm done.

Reality and perception-not always the same, not always taught well.

[Maledicte]

Yamamaya, you took the words right out from under my fingertips.

What if a man doesn't want you and you're a girl. Do you do the pursuing?

Yes, I don't see why not. I would much rather prefer to be the one being turned down than have to be the one doing the turning down. I hate having to turn people down, it makes me feel awful and like I owe them something even when I don't. Again, it's a personality thing. I prefer making the first move, and knowing where I stand. If the fact that I approach a guy first throws him off and he says no, then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Also, MSP, thank you for that.

[Sparx00]

One of the guys actually told me "You know...guys are supposed to be doing the pursuing..." and I was like "Well, I don't see any harm in telling you how I feel..."

One of the most awkward days of my life. ._.

I think it's just as much awkward both ways Kitsune.

Don't feel too bad about it.


Also, (just throwing something out there for you guys to chew on for a bit)

Do you girls find it more umm... satisfying? when the guy pursues you, or when you pursue the guy?

[Mr. Hat'n'Clogs]

I agree with this. Some men, like me, who are tremendously lazy will simply wait and hope for the girls come to them. Despite that not being very successful that mindset surely does exist.

Why is that being lazy? I'm shy, I'll admit it. I've asked two girls out in the past(both in middle school, ahaha) and it is incredibly awkward and terrible. Maybe if it wasn't the Worst Thing Ever, I'd be more inclined to pursue someone, but I'm not ever going to consider asking someone out unless there it really looks hopeful to me. I really dislike the insinuation that I'm lazy just because I don't want to ask girls out.

[Sheenar]

It took me 3 years to get up the courage to tell a guy friend how I felt about him.

And I got turned down.

So, yeah, not sure where to go from here.

On a related note, perhaps women are getting fed up with waiting for men to ask them out and that is why they are pursing men more often? I know my generation is marrying later than the ones before us.

I also want to second this.

[Atria35]

It took me 3 years to get up the courage to tell a guy friend how I felt about him.

And I got turned down.

So, yeah, not sure where to go from here.

Do like the guys do- pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and do it again.

[Maledicte]

Also, (just throwing something out there for you guys to chew on for a bit)

Do you girls find it more umm... satisfying? when the guy pursues you, or when you pursue the guy?

I find it satisfying if a guy pursues me, but I was interested in him already. Likewise, I'm sure guys like it if they pursue a girl, and find out that she was interested in him already too.

I haven't yet experienced pursuing a guy and finding out he liked me back, but I have experienced pursuing a guy who wasn't interested in me (not satisfying, but I got over it) and being pursued by a guy and having to regretfully tell him I didn't like him the same way (not satisfying to either party).

[Yamamaya]

Are there many Christian men who are nice guys without being this sort of "nice guy"? Men should be a little more assertive than women, since they should have more testosterone.

because I was reading Boundaries in Dating, and it referred that very popular book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, .

Just because something may be natural does not mean it is the correct way to act. That's applying a normative ethic.
In addition, I Kissed Dating Goodbye is a horrendous book. I've had many rants about it, so I won't talk about it on here.

True, but if a man is ever to be a leader in a family, he should be a leading in a relationship-maybe not all the time, but certainly not leaving it all to the woman.

There's a difference between joint responsibility and being the MAN IN CHARGE. No one in a relationship should just be leaving everything to their partner. Joint responsibility is important.

So we switching gender roles then?

No one reverses gender roles like Gaston!

Do like the guys do- pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and do it again.

I love you.

[ChristianKitsune]

I think it's just as much awkward both ways Kitsune.

Don't feel too bad about it.


Also, (just throwing something out there for you guys to chew on for a bit)

Do you girls find it more umm... satisfying? when the guy pursues you, or when you pursue the guy?

I just would be happy either way XD If a guy says yes, that is almost the same as asking me out. Or if he asks me out and I say yes.

Either way it ends up with a relationship! XD

On the other hand, it also depends on the guy, like Maledicte said earlier I'd feel really lousy if I had ot tell someone "no" even if I'm totally allowed to...

[Rusty Claymore]

For the sake of avoiding agrumentative explosions about gender roles, Rusty Claymore opts out of being involved here. From that you can prolly guess where I stand on the issue. XP But the beauty and the beast picture of today's gender role models was enough to get me to post here. Mr. SP, you earned yourself a whole pan of brownie points. XD

[Atria35]

Do you girls find it more umm... satisfying? when the guy pursues you, or when you pursue the guy?

Since I've only experienced the latter, I nothing to compare it with.

I love you.

You're welcome!

[Nate]

Unfortunately TG sort of stepped on a rhetorical land mine here.

I'm quoting this to emphasize I agree with all of mech's post (but didn't want to copy the whole thing). While TG obviously didn't mean what Shiroi said, the problem is that as mech stated, those kinds of things are what perpetuate the kinds of things that Shiroi said.

Basically it's the equivalent of pointing at the ghetto and saying "Look at those people, someone should do something about them." You may mean "we need to do something about the poor and less fortunate," but it's the same kind of thing a white supremacist might say to perpetuate racism against minorities.

Basically what Atria, Shiroi, mech, and myself are saying is that those kind of statements will continue to perpetuate the "All men are evil and want to hurt you and take advantage of you" and the "All women are pure and innocent and should never show sexual interest" stereotypes, which is absolutely a bad thing.

Again, while TG wasn't saying those things, he was saying things that would continue to allow those stereotypes to exist. That's why Shiroi got upset initially, and I don't think she was being as rude as some might say.

But to take the focus off TG (because I don't want him to feel like he's being bashed), I'm one of those who thinks women have every right to pursue men. There's no reason they shouldn't be allowed to or looked down upon for it. Just doesn't make any sense to attach any sort of stigma to it. Besides, I personally am pretty dense...it'd take a girl to be assertive and stuff for me to have any clue she was interested in me. I assume no girls are interested in me, which means I don't pursue any. Which is pretty much why I'm FOREVERALONE.jpg

[Okami]

So we switching gender roles then?

What is this I don't even-

[goldenspines]

So....why can't it be both the man and woman pursuing? I mean, it doesn't really matter if one over the other starts things off (breaks the ice of shyness, that is), but a relationship should be a team effort, otherwise it would be a stalker-ship. o.O

[Mr. Hat'n'Clogs]

So....why can't it be both the man and woman pursuing? I mean, it doesn't really matter if one over the other starts things off (breaks the ice of shyness, that is), but a relationship should be a team effort, otherwise it would be a stalker-ship. o.O

You make stalking sound like a bad thing.

[ChristianKitsune]

So....why can't it be both the man and woman pursuing? I mean, it doesn't really matter if one over the other starts things off (breaks the ice of shyness, that is), but a relationship should be a team effort, otherwise it would be a stalker-ship. o.O

I think the op was talking about an initial "Hey I'm interested in you, wanna go for coffee sometime?" or something like that (note: that's probably not how you should ask a guy out XD maybe coffee first, then discuss.... )

But I agree it's a TEAM effort to keep a relationship alive.

[Maledicte]

So....why can't it be both the man and woman pursuing? I mean, it doesn't really matter if one over the other starts things off (breaks the ice of shyness, that is), but a relationship should be a team effort, otherwise it would be a stalker-ship. o.O

If I'm not mistaken, I think we're taking the word "pursuing" to mean "making the first move to initiate a relationship."

(Ha ha, Kitsune and I seem to be watching this thread like hawks.)

[TopazRaven]

Yeah...I don't see a problem with women pursuing men. Just as I don't see a problem with men pursuing women. Me personally, I'd never chase after a guy. Just the thought of a guy asking me out (which will never happen unless they are blind or something) makes me panic on the inside. I'm so socially awkward it's sad.

[goldenspines]

If I'm not mistaken, I think we're taking the word "pursuing" to mean "making the first move to initiate a relationship."

It takes more than a first move to initiate a relationship though. And that responsiblity shouldn't fall to one side or the other. :\
I see what you're saying though. Sorry if it seemed I misunderstood.

EDIT: Oh! Read CK's post. I didn't get that from the intro post, but I did include that in my response. It doesn't matter who starts it since both the man and woman will be working at the relationship if/after it gets started, ya know?

[ashfire]

I can say I had two ladies that dated me for a reason. One was a freind of my brother and his wife. She had met a friend of mine in the vol. fire dept and they dated for a while until he broke it off. She then started dating me to keep tabs on my friend until he married someone else and then she broke off from me and dated and married someone she was working with.
Then a friend of our vol. fire chief and his wife who wanted to work in our auxiliary seen me at the station and wanted the chief to talk to me about meeting her.
We went together for a few years until her mother died and then she stop wanting to go out and to see me. After that her father moved out of the area to be closer to the job he had.
If she could drive without having medical problems we could have still been together or maybe married but there were a lot of people that didn't think it would have worked out for us.
Now I know my brother had different ladies chase him before he got married and many years later divorced and then chased after by a lady who was separated and acourse later divorced and married my brother.
Now I far as I know I don't have someone pursuing me now.
In my working job I don't see many ladies around there to be interested in me.

[Maledicte]

It doesn't matter who starts it since both the man and woman will be working at the relationship if/after it gets started, ya know?

I agree with you. The issue seems to be that some people (not necessarily in this thread, but in Christian culture at large) think that men should ALWAYS approach a girl in order to date her, and the other way around just simply Isn't Done.

[Lynna]

So....why can't it be both the man and woman pursuing? I mean, it doesn't really matter if one over the other starts things off (breaks the ice of shyness, that is), but a relationship should be a team effort, otherwise it would be a stalker-ship. o.O

My opinion exactly

Also, about guys being agressive, it kind of creeps me out. Especially since guys my age never think of talking with the girl and making friends with her first. So when they ask me out, it always makes me panicked and awkward. I've never tried persuing a guy before, because all of them either had girlfriends, or barely looked at me.

[Atria35]

Also, about guys being agressive, it kind of creeps me out. Especially since guys my age never think of talking with the girl and making friends with her first. So when they ask me out, it always makes me panicked and awkward. I've never tried persuing a guy before, because all of them either had girlfriends, or barely looked at me.

I honestly think this is because of the 'Friend Zone'. They're afraid that you'll get so used to them being friends that they'd ruin the friendship and any relationship they have with you if they become friends and then ask you out. They risk everything that way. Just plain asking out? You have the opportunity to date someone and don't risk having them drop out of your life.