Still not feeling accepted around others...

[Davidizer13]

Going off of what Yuki said - not to be too presumptious, but what if God's been speaking through this forum the entire time and you've been too fixated on what you want to listen to what he's been saying?

[Atria35]

So why am I getting basically not revalation in my love life that doesn't exist? Basically, I tend to only get revalation when it comes to stuff from the Bible. I might be getting some stuff in other areas in my life, but never with any confermation with any other area than the Bible. Basically, I'm just wondering why I can't hear from God in this area even though I already know he's talking.

Course, it does make things worse when my friends are trying to cheer me up(and failing). Then they pretty much go from that to talking about one of them that does have a girlfriend, then there's my other friend phrophsiying to him about how things are gonna get even better between him and his girlfriend. and still there was not phrophsy/word of knowlege for me/ confermation what I think I might have hear, or really any type of hope that I'll ever get married. Which made me more depressed. I just don't get why I'm not hearing from God about this area when it's so important to me

Your friend was not prophesying. It's either a) encouragement (which, believe it or not, happens quite a lot and has nothing to do with prophesying), or b) being familiar with this couple and their ups-and-downs. I know it's a total and utter revelation, but depending on what the issues are, other people might be familiar enough with them to tell whether or not the couple can and will get past them.

The one thing that's been said over and over in all of your threads is that there is absolutely no guarantee that you will ever find somebody. So stop being upset over it and move on with your life. You will be much happier when you do. And trust me, the moment you STOP needing a girl in your life, the more attractive you'll be. Because right now, your total and utter desperation is a major turn-off.

[SilverToast]

The one thing that's been said over and over in all of your threads is that there is absolutely no guarantee that you will ever find somebody. So stop being upset over it and move on with your life. You will be much happier when you do. And trust me, the moment you STOP needing a girl in your life, the more attractive you'll be. Because right now, your total and utter desperation is a major turn-off.

This.

I don't see why you focus on not having a romantic relationship instead of enjoying yourself. From what I read on your threads, you have friends who care enough about you to cheer you up. The users on CAA and that christian singles forum are trying to help you too. Why should you be so sad over what you don't have? That is a waste.

Your problems won't go away instantly because you have a relationship. This world isn't Disney or a fairy tale. You will probably have to deal with your partner's problems and still deal with yours. That is double the problems not zero problems.

What Atria said is true. I used to worry about not being a romantic relationship or having a wife and once I moved on I felt so much better. Now I am content and wish I moved on earlier.

I hope you learn some way man, even if its not through this thread.

[Vilo159]

Ok, so there's no gurantee he finds a spouse, but does that make it bad to want one? Every time he says anything about wanting a spouse, you all get all riled up and tell him to stop trying, stop focusing on it, just enjoy yourself, etc. Well, he's gotta start sometime, right? He's not gonna get a wife if he never looks. Getting a wife doesn't just happen. The way you guys say it, its like you think relationships are bad things. I understand that he may not be socially ready yet and its probably best if he waits a bit, but I don't see it as the horrendous thing you all see it as. Just because he wants a wife doesn't mean he's obsessing over it, because the obsessive part is gone and the social part is way better. He's at that age in life where people start thinking about marriage, and thats not a bad thing. I know you all think that marriage is horrible to consider at any age, but some of us think marriage is important. Cut him some slack.

Dothack, I'm not going to suggest you just give up and move on, I'm going to suggest you keep trying. It takes time, just be patient. If you really want it to happen, then you're gonna end up liking someone at some point, and if you build that and the other person likes you and you do it right, it will happen. But it takes lots of effort and time, and lots of patience.

[K. Ayato]

The point is he's not willing to accept that it might not happen. That's the problem. It's okay to want a spouse and work at being a better person so that you can support both yourself and another. If that were the case with dot, we'd all cut him some slack. The problem is his posts indicate that he's only focusing on getting a wife, and not stopping to think that just maybe this isn't what God wants for him AT ALL.

[Vilo159]

His posts from a month ago show that. His posts from recently DON'T. He's shown major improvement. He hasn't focused on a wife, instead fucusing on just developing his social skills. Just like you have all suggested. He does need to accept that possibility (even though I personally don't believe it), but you are all using that as an excuse to tell him to stop trying completely. Don't say thats not the case, because I haven't seen a single word from you guys that supports Dot's desire to one day marry.

[armeck]

you know I've heard it said before that the best time to meet someone, or start a relationship. is when you are content within yourself. like, if you spend all of your time longing for someone then that's probably not a good time to start a relationship because you'll be needy or have very low standards. but when you are content and okay being single that's the best time to find someone.

[Yuki-Anne]

Vilo, I'm pretty sure nobody said the words, "Give up." None of us think he should do that. What we do think is that his desire for a wife borders on scary desperation. Yes, there has been improvement in recent months. But at the same time it seems like there's still this underlying thought that God HAS TO give him a spouse, that God has promised him a spouse, and that underlying thought seems to influence a large portion of what he says and does.

[Xeno]

Ok, so there's no gurantee he finds a spouse, but does that make it bad to want one? Every time he says anything about wanting a spouse, you all get all riled up and tell him to stop trying, stop focusing on it, just enjoy yourself, etc. Well, he's gotta start sometime, right? He's not gonna get a wife if he never looks. Getting a wife doesn't just happen.

You're on the right track here, but you're walking in the weeds. You're absolutely right that getting a wife doesn't just happen, in fact several people have stated this several times, but he doesn't seem to be getting that. Wanting/desiring/searching for a wife is a bad thing. It takes priorities off a number of other far more important issues. Issues like personal identification, career, self-fulfillment, and general wellbeing. These things come before looking for a mate. I can understand his wanting companionship, but as has been explained before, a number of times, companionship can be provided by close friends as well. Not to mention there are people who are quite happy living their entire lives never having been in a functional relationship with someone.

The way you guys say it, its like you think relationships are bad things. I understand that he may not be socially ready yet and its probably best if he waits a bit, but I don't see it as the horrendous thing you all see it as.

None of us are calling it a "horrendous" thing. Relationships can be great things for those who are ready to be in them. But you have to be mentally mature and ready to be in them. If you would have taken the time to actually read the thread you'd see that this is what people have been saying, but I guess 16 year olds are just too busy with whatever it is you guys do nowadays to take a couple extra minutes to make sure you comprehend what people are saying.

Just because he wants a wife doesn't mean he's obsessing over it, because the obsessive part is gone and the social part is way better. He's at that age in life where people start thinking about marriage, and thats not a bad thing. I know you all think that marriage is horrible to consider at any age, but some of us think marriage is important. Cut him some slack.

Not a single one of us think that marriage is horrible, and I'm not sure where you're getting that concept from. A few of the people posting in this thread are actually married or engaged. Again, delicious reading comprehension. And guess what, he is still obsessing over it. His posts still tend to indicate that, and if you check the other Christian Chat site he linked to, it's pretty obvious that he still is. So no, it's not gone. And people at my age (which is a year older than dot's reported age) start thinking about marriage when they have a significant other, as in when they are in a relationship. I don't just sit around thinking about how incredibly awesomely amazing it would be if I was married. That's insane. Again, I'm not sure what the hell it is you kids these days do and think about, it's been a while since I was your age, but stop acting like you know what it's like to be my age because you don't.

Dothack, I'm not going to suggest you just give up and move on, I'm going to suggest you keep trying. It takes time, just be patient. If you really want it to happen, then you're gonna end up liking someone at some point, and if you build that and the other person likes you and you do it right, it will happen. But it takes lots of effort and time, and lots of patience.

Dot, if you take anything from this quote, take it as encouragement to continue working on yourself, and if you find someone, continue to work on yourself and slowly build a good friendship with that person. Things happen naturally, not forcefully.

His posts from a month ago show that. His posts from recently DON'T. He's shown major improvement.

They've shown some improvement, not major improvement. There is a difference. A major improvement would be him not asking a number of the questions he's asking and being on the verge of realistically asking a girl out, which he's not prepared to do.

He hasn't focused on a wife, instead fucusing on just developing his social skills. Just like you have all suggested. He does need to accept that possibility (even though I personally don't believe it),

Good to know you don't believe it.

This just in: Your opinion on the matter is irrelevant. You're 16 and don't know anything about adult relationships.

but you are all using that as an excuse to tell him to stop trying completely. Don't say thats not the case, because I haven't seen a single word from you guys that supports Dot's desire to one day marry.

It's not the case.

And now I'm going to go back to lurking. Sorry to everyone else for violating my leaving post.

[Yamamaya]

And now I'm going to go back to lurking.

Honestly doc, the only thing we can really tell you is to stop obsessing over it. In fact, many romantic opportunities arise when you stop obsessing over it and just let it occur naturally. But you can't afford to make that your main focus right now, especially with all of your other issues.

And, desperation sucks, so stop indulging in it.

/thread

[Yuki-Anne]

You know what they say about how you find someone when you stop looking?

Yeah, I thought it was BS too, but when I finally actually legitimately said to myself, "Forget it, you're not finding anyone this time" and meant it, I met somebody. True story.

Of course, the ironic thing about that is that you start to tell yourself, "Okay, I give up. I'm not meeting anybody today," because you secretly hope that it's somehow some kind of magical spell that will help you meet somebody if you cast it on yourself. Which it isn't. But the principle here is that when you stop being desperate and just start conversations and relationships with people based on the fact that they're people and you're interested in who they are, not who they could be to you, you become five times more attractive by default. Because you're not subconsciously putting pressure on them by hoping they could be "the one".

[Vilo159]

You're on the right track here, but you're walking in the weeds. You're absolutely right that getting a wife doesn't just happen, in fact several people have stated this several times, but he doesn't seem to be getting that. Wanting/desiring/searching for a wife is a bad thing. It takes priorities off a number of other far more important issues. Issues like personal identification, career, self-fulfillment, and general wellbeing. These things come before looking for a mate. I can understand his wanting companionship, but as has been explained before, a number of times, companionship can be provided by close friends as well. Not to mention there are people who are quite happy living their entire lives never having been in a functional relationship with someone.


None of us are calling it a "horrendous" thing. Relationships can be great things for those who are ready to be in them. But you have to be mentally mature and ready to be in them. If you would have taken the time to actually read the thread you'd see that this is what people have been saying, but I guess 16 year olds are just too busy with whatever it is you guys do nowadays to take a couple extra minutes to make sure you comprehend what people are saying.


Not a single one of us think that marriage is horrible, and I'm not sure where you're getting that concept from. A few of the people posting in this thread are actually married or engaged. Again, delicious reading comprehension. And guess what, he is still obsessing over it. His posts still tend to indicate that, and if you check the other Christian Chat site he linked to, it's pretty obvious that he still is. So no, it's not gone. And people at my age (which is a year older than dot's reported age) start thinking about marriage when they have a significant other, as in when they are in a relationship. I don't just sit around thinking about how incredibly awesomely amazing it would be if I was married. That's insane. Again, I'm not sure what the hell it is you kids these days do and think about, it's been a while since I was your age, but stop acting like you know what it's like to be my age because you don't.


Dot, if you take anything from this quote, take it as encouragement to continue working on yourself, and if you find someone, continue to work on yourself and slowly build a good friendship with that person. Things happen naturally, not forcefully.


They've shown some improvement, not major improvement. There is a difference. A major improvement would be him not asking a number of the questions he's asking and being on the verge of realistically asking a girl out, which he's not prepared to do.


Good to know you don't believe it.

This just in: Your opinion on the matter is irrelevant. You're 16 and don't know anything about adult relationships.


It's not the case.

And now I'm going to go back to lurking. Sorry to everyone else for violating my leaving post.

Welp, glad to know my opinion means nothing. I am young, so obviously I'm a mindless idiot who doesn't do his research and posts nothing jibberish garbage, having no regard for what is going on or anything. I'll just shut up now so nobody is bothered by my completely worthless opinion and ideas.
You're right, I'm a kid. I don't have the experience you adults do. But please don't insult me by saying my opinion is irrelevant. I make mistakes, I don't know everything, and when I hear an argument I consider it and revise my opinion to fit how much I agree with the argument. I'm not an idiot, I learn from my mistakes. I've read this whole thread, I did my research. Sorry if my opinions differ from yours, but I'm young. They change a lot, as they will now.

Now, regarding the various arguments against me:

General points: The reason I stated my belief on the matter because it shows that I come from a different point of view than the rest of you, therefore my opinions will differ more. This view is fundamental in my posts, so I'm stressing it. I don't believe that God just chooses that some people were never meant to marry. Therefore I can't just accept that one can just "move on"and accept that they never marry. That seems to me like nobody should ever pursue marriage, just that they should take it if it comes along, which I don't think is how God wanted it to work. And that is my personal belief, not a debatable point, so please don't argue with me about it. This also means, Xeno, that I give marriage a bit of priority, and think it's kind of important. Also, I know I exaggerated how much he has improved. That is my fault, I apologize. He's still got a long ways to go. But I have seen improvement, and it just seemed like you guys weren't giving him much credit for it. Not that you weren't at all, just not as much as I think he deserves.

Armeck: I mentioned that it would be good for him to wait longer, keep working at it. You are right that content people are more prepared for relationships, but if he desires marriage then he's never going to be truly content, and I don't believe he can just "move on". So he's got to be a bit proactive in the matter eventually, even if he's not a 100% content person. I do think he needs to wait, but if you want him to be perfect first than he will wait forever.

Yuki (and Xeno for the first part): Nobody outright said it, but the tone definitely seemed to imply it to me. And you are completely right about the rest, I failed to address that. But I think he has been improving a bit on those things.

Xeno (quote by quote): I don't believe wanting/desiring/searching for a wife is a bad thing in any way. Someday, I plan to have a wife. My priorities are different than yours, that doesn't make them wrong.

I was exaggerating. Every single person on this forum who commonly participates in discussions does it]could[/I] be on the verge of asking a girl out in the nearish future if he continues on the current course of improvement that he has. Again, I don't think he needs to be perfect first.

Already addressed all this.

Exaggerated a bit, but I think my point still stands. I haven't seen much encouragement from many of you.

Yamamaya: Yes.

[Yamamaya]

You know what they say about how you find someone when you stop looking?

Yeah, I thought it was BS too, but when I finally actually legitimately said to myself, "Forget it, you're not finding anyone this time" and meant it, I met somebody. True story.

Of course, the ironic thing about that is that you start to tell yourself, "Okay, I give up. I'm not meeting anybody today," because you secretly hope that it's somehow some kind of magical spell that will help you meet somebody if you cast it on yourself. Which it isn't. But the principle here is that when you stop being desperate and just start conversations and relationships with people based on the fact that they're people and you're interested in who they are, not who they could be to you, you become five times more attractive by default. Because you're not subconsciously putting pressure on them by hoping they could be "the one".

Considering the fact that this happened to me too, I can attest to this. Appearing desperate and attempting to force relationships to happen has a way of easily blowing up in your face.

When you stop worrying and start just putting your best foot forward, things can happen. Relationships are complicated, and you can't force them. They have to happen naturally. It's frustrating and it takes a lot of work, but that's life.

@Vilo. I have to say I agree with you. I hate the attitude that if you are young your opinion is automatically irrelevant and stupid. Just because you are young does not mean you are automatically incapable of logical thinking. It is true that young people lack the experiences of older people, but being condescending and dismissive is rather inappropriate and doesn't foster learning.

[dothackzero]

I understand that he may not be socially ready yet and its probably best if he waits a bit, but I don't see it as the horrendous thing you all see it as. Just because he wants a wife doesn't mean he's obsessing over it, because the obsessive part is gone and the social part is way better.

Actually, I probably still do obsessive part. It's just now I'm doing more to try to fix things, and just going around depressed about it about all the time. Though there are still times like yesterday were I do get depressed over it.

you know I've heard it said before that the best time to meet someone, or start a relationship. is when you are content within yourself. like, if you spend all of your time longing for someone then that's probably not a good time to start a relationship because you'll be needy or have very low standards. but when you are content and okay being single that's the best time to find someone.

That's why I'm trying to build a group of friends that I can hang out with alot. That way, I'll still get the fellowship that I need and will make me less lonely.

Yeah, I thought it was BS too, but when I finally actually legitimately said to myself, "Forget it, you're not finding anyone this time" and meant it, I met somebody. True story.

I think I know it's true too, I'm just having a problem giving up on this area. Though looking at other area of my life, when I tried giving up trying to fix things on my own things just got better in those areas.

[K. Ayato]

I'm not sure if the aim of our advice is to be "less lonely", dot. It's more along the lines of "get your mind focused on other things that require a more productive use of time and energy". Having a larger circle of friends is a bonus, not the end result.

[dothackzero]

So then how do I ask a girl I know from class to hang out. Not exactly sure if she's Christian or not, but she is fun to be around.

[K. Ayato]

Just ASK! It's not as hard as you're convinced it is!

If you're looking for some magic formula to make you confident in approaching anyone, let alone, a girl, SURPRISE! There ain't one.

[dothackzero]

Actually, I guess the more important question is how do I let go on this? I'm starting to think that you guys are right, I haven't been listening to God on this. I think he as been telling me to just let go on this(like you guys have been telling me to.) I just haven't been wanting to hear it. Well, actually I think he's also been telling to wait till after I find a better job too, but I never really got confermation on that one. But it's weird I know letting will allow Jesus to move in this area. Since this has been a proven fact in other areas of my life were I've stopped trying stop porn, OCD fears, social anxiety(Though none of them are completely better yet, but that have gotten a lot better since I stopped trying to fix them with my own efforts.) Really, I do seem to better around girls from work and school(since these aren't the girls I'm looking for as a wife)...

[Yuki-Anne]

Just be honest in your prayers. I always ended up praying, "God, you know how much I want somebody, but whatever happens, whether you've got somebody in store for me or not, my life is yours." God knows what you want, and it's okay to want those things, but you have to be willing to follow God and trust Him completely whether He gives you what you want or not. So by all means, pray for a wife, and pray that God will make you worthy of her, but always remember, "Not my will, but yours be done."

And don't make romance your motivation for talking to every girl.

[K. Ayato]

Piggybacking on what Yuki just said, I learned from a pastor friend to pray "Lord, if it's your will, then allow (insert want here) to happen. And if not, then do everything in Your power to keep me from going after it because it's not Your will and You want what's best for me."

Not an easy prayer by any stretch, but I can say from experience that it's helping me become more sensitive to God's leading and has in the end kept me out of serious trouble.

[Sheenar]

Piggybacking on what Yuki just said, I learned from a pastor friend to pray "Lord, if it's your will, then allow (insert want here) to happen. And if not, then do everything in Your power to keep me from going after it because it's not Your will and You want what's best for me."

Not an easy prayer by any stretch, but I can say from experience that it's helping me become more sensitive to God's leading and has in the end kept me out of serious trouble.

Very much so. This has been so very true in my life --not just in the area of relationships, but in other areas as well. Sometimes you just have to stop striving and know He is God. Especially if the thing you're striving after is something taking your focus off of Christ and the work He has for you to do.

[dothackzero]

Though this really does get harder when I'm already feeling lonely...

[Yuki-Anne]

Prayers have their utmost value in maturing us and strengthening our faith precisely when they the most difficult to utter.

[dothackzero]

I do talk to God when I'm lonely, though it also seems like I need social interaction from other people too.

Anyways, I'm probably am a ambivert. Though I am more introverted leaning. But yeah, I basically have the needs of an introvert, and I also have some of the needs of an extrovert. Anyways, this probably explains how an introvert can be lonely. I'm just not getting the level of social interaction that I need. And basically I don't have the social skills I need for the social interaction for when I am lonely. Honestly thinking of things this way, it's kinda obvious why I looking for a wife so hard, and why I'm getting lonely when things aren't going as planned.

[Atria35]

I do talk to God when I'm lonely, though it also seems like I need social interaction from other people too.

Anyways, I'm probably am a ambivert. Though I am more introverted leaning. But yeah, I basically have the needs of an introvert, and I also have some of the needs of an extrovert.

90% of the people on the planet fall into this category. You're overanalyzing yourself, and descriptions like those fail to have the minute Broad, basic definitions fail to take in that people mave many shades of in-between.

[Yuki-Anne]

Introverts get lonely sometimes. It's not like being an introvert means you don't need people. And being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean you're shy, either. It just means that you need alone time to recharge. Not "alone time all the time every day because who needs people people suck."

I mean, you can be a gregarious introvert. That's not a contradiction. For the last time, introvert =/= shy. And being shy is not necessarily bad.

[dothackzero]

Introverts get lonely sometimes. It's not like being an introvert means you don't need people. And being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean you're shy, either. It just means that you need alone time to recharge. Not "alone time all the time every day because who needs people people suck."

I mean, you can be a gregarious introvert. That's not a contradiction. For the last time, introvert =/= shy. And being shy is not necessarily bad.

I do need time to recharge after a night with friends or a night out, but the problem is that I'm getting too much time alone.

[Xeno]

Well since you can't dictate people's time and lives, I suggest you find some hobbies that you can do by yourself. The hobbies don't have to be thing that you actually directly involve yourself in like model building or anything, but if you you're interested in politics or science or what have you, just start reading articles/books/magazines and such on it when you have nothing to do. If you have a Kindle, Nook, or other e-reader, start downloading non-fiction books on various subjects you're interested in and read those during your downtime. Listen to music, and take the time to explorer new and different genres to find stuff you didn't know existed. Or just go out searching for new places to spend time. You may come across some hole in the wall you didn't know existed filled with people that are really cool.

[dothackzero]

Anyways, I'm gonna go back to psycologist for the lonelyness/depression. While I'm there, I'm gonna see if she knows of any good places to go to work on my social skill and other proper people skills. I'll probably end up at that toast masters things that I think someone mentioned in here.

[Xeno]

I think that's a great idea, the psychologist thing. I don't know much about toast masters, but I think that's more about public speaking, I could be wrong though. But if it's something that'll help you in the long run, by all means give it a shot.