Purity

[aliveinHim]

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people. In the homeschool community, this is a never ending conversation. I've made myself my list.

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.
2.) No sexual intercourse until after I'm married.
3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.
4.) I will not move in with a boyfriend until we're married.

I wear a purity ring to remind myself. I know that God has the special guy planned for me. I have my list of qualities I want in a guy.

1.) He must love God first and foremost.
2.) He must love me.
3.) He must love our family.
4.) He must love the church.
5.) He can be an otaku .

What do you all think?

[Nate]

Hey if that's how you wanna do it, more power to ya. I hope you keep them all. :3

I couldn't do that though. XD If I ever dated a girl and she said she wouldn't kiss me, I'd end it right then and there.

[firestorm]

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people. In the homeschool community, this is a never ending conversation. I've made myself my list.

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.
2.) No sexual intercourse until after I'm married.
3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.
4.) I will not move in with a boyfriend until we're married.

I wear a purity ring to remind myself. I know that God has the special guy planned for me. I have my list of qualities I want in a guy.

1.) He must love God first and foremost.
2.) He must love me.
3.) He must love our family.
4.) He must love the church.
5.) He can be an otaku .

What do you all think?

I agree completely with this though I've already had my first kiss so yeah but that's a great standard to go by.

[Ella Edric]

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people. In the homeschool community, this is a never ending conversation. I've made myself my list.

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.
2.) No sexual intercourse until after I'm married.
3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.
4.) I will not move in with a boyfriend until we're married.

I wear a purity ring to remind myself. I know that God has the special guy planned for me. I have my list of qualities I want in a guy.

1.) He must love God first and foremost.
2.) He must love me.
3.) He must love our family.
4.) He must love the church.
5.) He can be an otaku .

What do you all think?

Oh my gosh youre my clone. O____________O I feel the exact, EXACT same way!! That's always how I've felt, and my friends think I'm wierd for it! XD; *gives aliveinHim a high five* Youre way awesome, girl. XD

[aliveinHim]

[quote="Ella Edric (post: 1460374)"]Oh my gosh youre my clone. O____________O I feel the exact, EXACT same way!! That's always how I've felt, and my friends think I'm wierd for it! XD]

*e-hug* You are totally awesome too! We're both homeschooled and around the same age-ish! People laugh at me for saying this but my friends at church support me (80% of my friends at church are married so it helps to have other Christian married friends).

There are a few couples at my church who never kissed anyone except their spouses. Those people are the happiest married couples I've ever seen.

[Cognitive Gear]

That's pretty great that you know what you want. I think that is important. Good luck!

As for myself, my guidelines are pretty simple:

1) No sex before marriage.
2) It's a friend date if there isn't a kiss somewhere in there. If it's romantically inclined, there should be a kiss.
3) I date to look for a wife, not just for fun. (Dates should always be fun.)

As for anything else, I think that it really depends on the convictions of who I am dating at the time, and what the situation is otherwise.

[ShiroiHikari]

Well...┐(´～`；)┌ People probably think you're weird for it because it IS weird. No offense.

[Htom Sirveaux]

@aliveinHim: My statement would pretty much echo yours except I've got no problem with kissing. But if she does, I could live with that.
Though an interest in the otaku subculture would be a nice bonus, it's by no means a requirement. I used to think so, but there are many amazing and worthy women out there whom it would be a big mistake to overlook just because they're not into that sort of thing.

[aliveinHim]

Most pople do think it's weird. I know that but I want to prepare myself for a happy marriage.

[Atria35]

My parents were like that before they married- no sex, no kissing even. They have an awful marriage.

[Okami]

I used to not want to have my first kiss until marriage, keep myself abstinent before marriage, not have sex until marriage (going along with the abstinence)

And then God asked/called me to pursue celibacy; now my entire lifestyle is complete abstinence and purity (which is difficult when people twist your words or take them out of context and make them dirty...ugh)

[KhakiBlueSocks]

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people. In the homeschool community, this is a never ending conversation. I've made myself my list.

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.
2.) No sexual intercourse until after I'm married.
3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.
4.) I will not move in with a boyfriend until we're married.

[font="Trebuchet MS"][SIZE="4"][color="RoyalBlue"]Well, that is admirable. I love the fact that you have specifics and standards about how you want to handle the situation. However, I do question #3. "Courting" in my eyes means that "I have every intention on marrying this person". That seems like a lot of stress to me and it leaves you open to be hurt if it doesn't work out (granted, there is a chance you could get hurt while dating, but in my book, it's not that hard of a hit as compared to "I was gonna marry this person). I think dating is okay, so long as you both are in agreement as to what can and cannot happen during a date.[/color][/SIZE][/font]

[aliveinHim]

I've met some people who date and they date with the intention of getting married someday. Courting has some negative connotations sadly.

[firestorm]

negative connotations?

[TopazRaven]

I admire your goals aliveinHim, even if I don't agree with some of them. I wouldn't say they are weird, they seem strange to me, but that doesn't make them wrong or not right so I think it's a bit unfair for people to say it's weird. I come from a household where I grew up without a real concrete hold on Christianity. My parents where very lax on religion, I could follow any religion I wanted in my house and they probably wouldn't mind. If I'd grown up in a stricter Christian household who knows, my requirments might have been closer to yours then.

[ShiroiHikari]

My parents were like that before they married- no sex, no kissing even. They have an awful marriage.

Quoting this for emphasis. Just because you were "pure" before marriage does not, does not, DOES NOT mean that you are destined for The Best Marriage Ever. Many, many factors are involved in a marriage and sexual abstinence before marriage doesn't necessarily make a person a better marriage partner, just as being sexually active before marriage doesn't make a person a worse marriage partner. While I do believe that sleeping around is wrong for a lot of reasons (which I will not discuss at this time), I also don't think it's a good thing to be holier-than-thou regarding your sex life or lack thereof. Sexual purity alone isn't going to get you into heaven.

Also, physical intimacy is a very important part of a romantic relationship and I think that downplaying it is unhealthy. Sure, if you don't want to take things past a certain point, then don't, and make that clear to the other person from the beginning. And if they have a problem with that, then they're probably not good partner material for you. But saying, "You can't touch me until we've got the marriage license" is...probably going to put people off. I can't imagine marrying a person without even kissing them first. At that point, might as well just have your parents arrange an "advantageous marriage" for you.

[Mr. Hat'n'Clogs]

[quote="ShiroiHikari (post: 1460389)"]Well...┐]This, pretty much. I still don't get why people think it's a negative thing to kiss before you're married.

[Nate]

I still don't get why people think it's a negative thing to kiss before you're married.

Well, there's two schools of thought on this.

One is the group that doesn't think kissing before their wedding day is bad, it's just they hold the belief that your first kiss being on your wedding day is "special" somehow. I'll hold my tongue on that lest I offend some people. XD But it's not that they think kissing before the wedding is bad, it's just a matter of "I want to save it for this point in time when it will be better." Or something.

The second group is just a victim of the "Sex is bad" mentality and therefore anything that even remotely could lead to sex is bad as well. Because you know, you might give your girlfriend a kiss on her doorstep, and then BAM, next thing you know you're having sex on her couch. It happens all the time (and by all the time I mean none of the time). So then in order to make sure sex can't ever possibly happen, you can't ever kiss your partner. Or hug them. Or hold their hand. Or do anything that breaks the three foot safety bubble surrounding her that if you violate you are an evil man who wants to have premarital sex.

I think that aliveinHim is part of the first group though, the ones that think kissing before marriage is fine for people who want that, but she wants to save her first kiss. I don't agree with that and think it's actually bad for a number of reasons, but I won't argue on that subject because it's all fairly personal.

[Mr. Hat'n'Clogs]

Well, there's two schools of thought on this.

One is the group that doesn't think kissing before their wedding day is bad, it's just they hold the belief that your first kiss being on your wedding day is "special" somehow. I'll hold my tongue on that lest I offend some people. XD But it's not that they think kissing before the wedding is bad, it's just a matter of "I want to save it for this point in time when it will be better." Or something.

The second group is just a victim of the "Sex is bad" mentality and therefore anything that even remotely could lead to sex is bad as well. Because you know, you might give your girlfriend a kiss on her doorstep, and then BAM, next thing you know you're having sex on her couch. It happens all the time (and by all the time I mean none of the time). So then in order to make sure sex can't ever possibly happen, you can't ever kiss your partner. Or hug them. Or hold their hand. Or do anything that breaks the three foot safety bubble surrounding her that if you violate you are an evil man who wants to have premarital sex.

I think that aliveinHim is part of the first group though, the ones that think kissing before marriage is fine for people who want that, but she wants to save her first kiss. I don't agree with that and think it's actually bad for a number of reasons, but I won't argue on that subject because it's all fairly personal.

Ah, thank you.

[goldenspines]

To the OP: More power to you. It seems like you put a lot of thought and prayer into your choices. I wish you the very best. ^_^


I can only speak for girls I've talked to in regards to this topic. For most girls I've met who have high purity standards, they tend to want to "save themselves" for marriage because kissing, any other type of physical contact (even hugs or holding hands for some), or having sex is something quite important emotionally to them. They tend to be scared of just handing their whole heart to any guy they meet (even if the girl is dating/courting the guy). I mean, it feels like it's something that can't be taken back, ya know? Granted, I think this tends to make a lot of girls un-approachable (like Shiroi mentioned). So, the way to solve it depends from person to person. I've seen high purity standards both work well and back-fire.


For me personally, I haven't had to worry about much of this since no guy wants to go out with me anyway. XP

[Okami]

To the OP: More power to you. It seems like you put a lot of thought and prayer into your choices. I wish you the very best. ^_^


I can only speak for girls I've talked to in regards to this topic. For most girls I've met who have high purity standards, they tend to want to "save themselves" for marriage because kissing, any other type of physical contact (even hugs or holding hands for some), or having sex is something quite important emotionally to them. They tend to be scared of just handing their whole heart to any guy they meet (even if the girl is dating/courting the guy). I mean, it feels like it's something that can't be taken back, ya know? Granted, I think this tends to make a lot of girls un-approachable (like Shiroi mentioned). So, the way to solve it depends from person to person. I've seen high purity standards both work well and back-fire.


For me personally, I haven't had to worry about much of this since no guy wants to go out with me anyway. XP

Yeah, for me it was an emotional thing. I didn't want to be unapproachable, but I wanted my dating relationships to be a "for-marriage" sort of deal. Hugging and hand-holding would have been fine by me. I just wanted the more intimate things to remain, well, sacred, I guess. Or maybe I just have high standards. After all, now I'm all-out for Jesus.

[Nate]

They tend to be scared of just handing their whole heart to any guy they meet

Without risk there is no reward.

Plus how do you think that makes us guys feel? If I was dating a woman and she acted like that, I'd figure she hated me or there was something wrong with me. Acting like that can be very hurtful for us dudes. Sometimes you've gotta take a chance, and if you're not willing to give all of you, well, why the crap should he give all of him? And if neither of you are going to give anything then why even date? Just be celibate your whole life.

Just sayin'. I hope you don't feel like I'm talking directly to you. XD I'm just talking in general.

[K. Ayato]

Courting, dating, to me it doesn't matter what you call it if the objective is the same regardless.

[Shao Feng-Li]

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people. In the homeschool community, this is a never ending conversation. I've made myself my list.

1.) My first kiss will be on my wedding day.
2.) No sexual intercourse until after I'm married.
3.) I will only court, no recreational dating.
4.) I will not move in with a boyfriend until we're married.

I wear a purity ring to remind myself. I know that God has the special guy planned for me. I have my list of qualities I want in a guy.

1.) He must love God first and foremost.
2.) He must love me.
3.) He must love our family.
4.) He must love the church.
5.) He can be an otaku .

What do you all think?

I agree completely.

Plus how do you think that makes us guys feel? If I was dating a woman and she acted like that, I'd figure she hated me or there was something wrong with me. Acting like that can be very hurtful for us dudes. Sometimes you've gotta take a chance, and if you're not willing to give all of you, well, why the crap should he give all of him? And if neither of you are going to give anything then why even date? Just be celibate your whole life.

But the point is is that you don't want to give your whole heart to someone you might not love. That's just kind of stupid I would think. I think keeping away from intimacy would help you look at the other person more objectively.

I'd tell a guy right away (before any actual dating/courting) what my standards would be. If he doesn't like it, well, then it probably wasn't meant to be. I don't want to lead anyone on. I'd want to make sure that he knows that I don't hate him or that there's anything wrong, you know? If he did think that, then maybe he really is the one with a problem.

But, I'm just mostly speculating. I've never even been kissed/dated/courted, so it's kinda easy for me to say this or that XD

[Nate]

But the point is is that you don't want to give your whole heart to someone you might not love. That's just kind of stupid I would think.

Hmm, okay, you're right...at first I think. XD I'm not advocating setting your heart on a person after one date or something like that. Obviously when you start dating someone it can go either way, either it works out or it doesn't. But what I mean is if it IS working, if the relationship is good, you should start opening up to the other person more.

Basically what I'm saying is if I was with a girl, I don't expect her to kiss me on the first date. Maybe not even the second. But if we've been together for a year and she won't kiss me? I'm done with her is all I'm saying. I'll feel like she doesn't trust me, doesn't love me, thinks I'm repulsive, and that's painful.

So yeah, I'm definitely not saying to meet someone and then go "I love you!" right away, but after a while you need to start giving more trust and love.

I think keeping away from intimacy would help you look at the other person more objectively.

That would be true IF intimacy wasn't part of marriage. I'm not saying "Oh well we need to have sex to see if we're compatible" or anything like that, obviously, but physical affection IS part of marriage. A very big part of marriage in fact (though obviously not the most important). You can love someone with your whole heart and not be physically compatible with them. And if you're not physically compatible with a person, then the marriage isn't going to go well at all, it's going to lead to adultery and all that mess.

I'd want to make sure that he knows that I don't hate him or that there's anything wrong, you know? If he did think that, then maybe he really is the one with a problem.

I disagree, but that's because of how my mind works. If a girl said "I won't kiss you" and I said "Why not?" and she said "Oh there's nothing wrong, I just have a promise that I don't want to kiss anyone until my wedding day" know what my first thought would be? She's lying to make me feel better. She thinks I'm hideous, but doesn't want to say it, so she's making up something to hide the truth.

You can say that's a problem with me, sure. But that's how I am. I don't like myself. And any girl who didn't want to share some level of physical intimacy would only be hurting me more. And at that point it's not a matter of "Well if you won't put out then forget you," it's a matter of "If all you're going to do is hurt me, then I don't want to be with you." And that's just how it is, I guess. *shrug*

[Cognitive Gear]

Maybe I am reading some of the posts in this thread the wrong way, but it really seems like some of you are thinking that having sex with someone is the same as giving your heart to them. How are they the same?

[ShiroiHikari]

You can "give someone your heart" without having sex. You can also have sex without "giving your heart". They don't necessarily mean the same thing, in my opinion.

[Cognitive Gear]

You can "give someone your heart" without having sex. You can also have sex without "giving your heart". They don't necessarily mean the same thing, in my opinion.

Also what in the world does "giving your heart" mean anyway? Becoming intimately familiar with someone (not necessarily in a sexual way)?

I agree with you, and that is exactly what I am wondering. XD

[Shao Feng-Li]

Hmm, okay, you're right...at first I think. XD I'm not advocating setting your heart on a person after one date or something like that. Obviously when you start dating someone it can go either way, either it works out or it doesn't. But what I mean is if it IS working, if the relationship is good, you should start opening up to the other person more.

Basically what I'm saying is if I was with a girl, I don't expect her to kiss me on the first date. Maybe not even the second. But if we've been together for a year and she won't kiss me? I'm done with her is all I'm saying. I'll feel like she doesn't trust me, doesn't love me, thinks I'm repulsive, and that's painful.

So yeah, I'm definitely not saying to meet someone and then go "I love you!" right away, but after a while you need to start giving more trust and love.

But if she did think you were repulsive and unlovable, why would she be with you in the first place? I think, if you do love her, think that she loves you and you burn with desire, why not ask her to marry you?

That would be true IF intimacy wasn't part of marriage. I'm not saying "Oh well we need to have sex to see if we're compatible" or anything like that, obviously, but physical affection IS part of marriage. A very big part of marriage in fact (though obviously not the most important). You can love someone with your whole heart and not be physically compatible with them. And if you're not physically compatible with a person, then the marriage isn't going to go well at all, it's going to lead to adultery and all that mess.

Not to mention, I'd imagine that if there weren't any physical attraction, you wouldn't be together in the first place. But I agree totally that intimacy in marriage is very very important. Things seems to start with "Hey, s/he's cute, I'm gonna go talk to her/him," not, "Hey s/he looks like a troll, I'm gonna go talk to her/him." XD

I disagree, but that's because of how my mind works. If a girl said "I won't kiss you" and I said "Why not?" and she said "Oh there's nothing wrong, I just have a promise that I don't want to kiss anyone until my wedding day" know what my first thought would be? She's lying to make me feel better. She thinks I'm hideous, but doesn't want to say it, so she's making up something to hide the truth.

Then the best thing would be to establish these things before hand and you'll know not to date her in the first place. As a girl and all, I would give a guy the time of day if I thought he was hideous and what not. I don't think that's shallow though.

[Hansha]

I agree with all of it except the no kissing before marriage. Thats a bit too much for me especially since I kiss friends and family ( not male friends though.) I guess it would depend on what a kiss means to each individual exactly. I don't think no kissing is too far-fetched but the one person I know that had this standard didn't keep it up after he actually started dating. I definitely don't think saving your kiss effects future marriage happiness in any way.