CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I know, weird title. I thought I might as well request prayer help here.

I have not been to church on a Sunday morning in... forever. This is because lately, I seem to have developed a real problem with getting to sleep at night. Then, in the morning, if I don't feel like I *have* to go anywhere, I won't... I'll get my rest.

I've been trying to go to church at night on Sundays when this happens, but it hasn't been working out for me. The church I used to go to for night church started this whole "membership of the church" thing which is kind of... stuff involving the church itself of which I don't really feel a part/right to be there... then, the church I used to go to in the mornigns... I don't know what kind of night program they have. Apparently none at their meeting place (which is a school), because I tried going last week - no cars in the parking lot.

I went to a church in town last week, because I thought that's where the little local church met. Apparently, they changed things. I was welcomed enough, there, but... I didn't really feel a part of it at all...

I actually haven't felt "a part of" any church for about 3 years now... been going sporadically... my old home church which I spiritually "grew up" in disbanded about 3 years ago due to financial issues. I haven't really felt a part of any of the other churches I've been to since.

I know part of this is my fault. I've gotten to a point where I'm becoming more and more introverted (except online, haha), and just... standoffish around people, afraid to really make friends and become a part of anything. It might have to do with my mental problems (I've been diagnosted with Avoidant Personality Disorder, and my behavior when it comes to church smells very much of that, a kind of wanting to be a part of a group, but being too afraid of being hurt to make myself a part of the group).

So, part of my problem is finding a church to belong in. My other problem, and a major part of this problem right now is my messed up sleep patterns (which also disturb my work and is very disruptive to my life).

I used to be able to get to sleep within a half hour of my head hitting the pillow. I haven't been able to do this in a long time. It takes me an hour or more to get to sleep usually now. It's really annoying. Even with sleep aids, this happens. I took some Excedrin PM last night (I admit, I didnt' go to bed until about 1am, but I was hoping to get to sleep quickly and get up well enough in time to go to late morning church. I didn't get to sleep until sometime after 3 am). I know, because I was up and I looked at the clock. I was even feeling the effects of the sleep aid by that time... feeling all woosy, dazed and tired-like, but I still couldn't sleep.

It's like.. something happens to me at night. First of all, on nights when I *plan* to get to bed early, something happens... usually in the form of creative inspiration that won't let me sleep until I work with it. My muses are evil. Then... when I do hit bed... well, I can't sleep, even though I'm tired, and I ache and feel really horrid.

Then, when I do finally get to sleep... if I wake up in the morning, I'm generally still really tired and achey, and want to go right back to sleep, which I tend to do.

You see, I can't do the insomnia thing. I NEED sleep. If I do the insomnia thing by just giving in and deciding to stay up all night or most of the night, I really HURT in the morning, with tiredness and acheyness... and.. well, my attitude.

My attitude is bad enough. When I get very little to no sleep, I'm just... so much of a bear that I'm good for absolutely NOTHING. I hate the world and hate myself and just can't work that way.

This.... well, it's disruptive to me. It's distruptive to my working (at the little piddly doesn't pay well enough to live on part time job I have), it's disruptive to me finding work - job hunting late in the day is not all that good, though I did get an interivew last week... and, it's really disruptive to my confidence.

I get to where I just feel like I'm lazy and that it's my fault because I stayed up too late, can't get rid of my high-strungness, which I should be able to do, should get up anyway, despite hurting and knowing I'll be in a bad mood... also, the bad mood thing... I have enough problems in dealing with people and bosses... I just know that if I get a job anytime soon, if I try going in on too little sleep that I'll loose it right away due to how I'll be to my boss/people.

It's really messing me up... this sleep thing. I want to be able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour and get to sleep quickly and be able to wake up not tired and hurting in the morning like a NORMAL person.

And, I feel bad about the church thing. I feel like I need to go to church, and that I'm a bad Christian for not going - though it goes back to this sleep disturbance thing. I just really need help with this, and I pray, but it doesn't seem to work.

Or maybe it's just working really slowly. Maybe things will get better when I get my psych help - though that's going slowly.

Just... um... I feel bad for even asking about this, as I feel like my sleeping and church situation is something I messed up for myself, but... um.. if you want to, pray for me about this?

maybe you should make a quick doctor visit and ask about it, maybe its a biological problem, nothing to do with pschology or any such thing, those could be compunded by a physical problem, and a church family, (that's right, the church is family) its as neccesary to your 'spiritual health' as having a loving father and mother is to your pschological and emotional developement. Don't feel guilty, feel the push to do something about it. When you feel a craving for a certain kind of food, your body is telling you you are deficient. God has made us dependent upon other people for a reason. they fulfill our spiritual 'nutritional' needs just as greens and fruits contain vitamins for your body. When it comes to finding a church family, pray alot , and, though it may be extremely difficult find a phone book and make some calls to some pastors and ask them for help, They are after all, called to living example of Christ... most important think I have to say-God loves you and is there with you no matter the struggle

P.s. I'm praying for you

Yeah, what martinloyola said!

I do have to say that pastors might not always have the best grasp on problems, so sample around if need be... I missed out on having my boss pay for me to visit a sleep clinic where I'm sure they would have diagnosed "sleep apnea" as my problem, instead I let everyone convince me I was just lazy. (would have served them all right if I had died in my sleep )

Top of the list of people that where telling me I only needed 5-6 hrs of sleep and that I just need to get up have been pastors who have no understanding that some people need more sleep than they do.

Also, check the quality of your bed, conditions of the room (temp., etc.)... there are some good info on the web about sleep that might be of help.

In the end for me it came down to knowing my limits and finally deciding that certain things had to be priority... in the end I had to decide that the extensive lenth and number of services at the church I was attending had to be cut out of my schedule so I could be properly rested for work... in your case it may just be a point of knowing that you need "X" number of hours of sleep and you need to be in bed by a certain time for that.

I think I posted some suggestions in another thread a while back in reguards to this... can't remember to who or where though.

Hope my little bit of info is of some help.

My boss at the newspaper today said not to come in anymore unless I can get in by 9 am. (which, with my sleep problems as stated before, is HARD). She knows that I have them. She doesn't care, she just thinks I'm selfish and lazy and have no work ethic. (And it's true that I stopped caring about the job much).

I went in to work today, late, as usual. She said she had a lot to do, a lot of ads to lay up, but she wanted me to go home - wanted to do them herself. She's just being proud, I guess, and angry with me. So, there's work for me to do, but she doesn't want me to do it because I didn't come in on her schedule. (when I was hired as a contract worker to begin with. Technically, I am supposed to be able to schedule my own hours, but in that respect, she wants me to be like a regular employee - yet not bother with the taxes like a regular company does. It's just... AAAARGH).

Anyway, so I feel like a failure again. And... if this sleep thing is a physical problem, I'm not likely to get help for it unless that help comes about as a side-effect of my upcomming psych eval. (Like if they take my blood or something and find out something is wrong, which probably won't happen. They'll just probably ask me questions about how I'm feeling and junk).

This is something that I feel like I screwed up for myself... the sleeping and waking up like a normal person thing. It's something that I feel like I need to solve myself by being a little more self-diciplined, and learning to actually relax when I'm in bed. I do get to sleep after a while, it just takes me a long while.

When it's bedtime, I tend to do all kinds of stupid little obessive things, like get up to make sure the doors to my house are locked, get up to make sure my window is locked, get up to make sure I set my alarm, get up (constantly) to pee to make sure I won't have to when I'm asleep. (I really hate waking up with a really full bladder, I just do...). And, then, it's like I can't relax enough to actually fall asleep for a long time.

I don't know if it's something actually wrong with me or if it's something I need to solve myself, and I tend to think in terms of the latter... that I ought to be able to get over myself and be somewhat normal.

So.. um, pray about this, and pray about me getting a job, because that is really... um... messing me up. I need work and money.. but I need to be able to sleep enough and get up so I feel like I can be on time for a job - and have that confidence that I do not have right now.

Or, I need to die. Whatever will work.

The sleep thing sounds like me, 'cept my dad would be after my blood if I didn't get up by 8:30.... XD!
I'll pray.

Hey, Haibane, what do you mean you don't think you can get checked up on except in your psych eval? If you have freetime get a simple doctor's checkup, cuz if the problem is biological then there is ABSOlutely nothing that you can do to fix your problem, except get help from someone else. I know that can be tough, accepting limitations outside of your own power to control, but it is always better to have two heads than one, especially if one of the heads has a doctorate
Of course I really don't know your situation and what not so, if this is of some help Thanks be to God! if not, ditto! Maybe you've learned a lesson in patience from an annoying, (but eager to help) friend

For me, I'm the same way to getting to sleep. I usually don't get to sleep until 1:30am on school nights. I'm no doctor, but my guess is perhaps it's your sleep pattern; going to bed late, waking up late morning/ early afternoon. That in itself will make someone really lazy and none-motivated. Also, when we sleep late, and wake up we usually don't eat usual breakfeast foods, which really doesn't spur the metabolism to work the way it needs to. Perhaps you should really try make getting regular 8hr sleep nights, waking up around 7-9am. That way you have the whole day, then towards the end of the day, you are tired again. I think it's just the routine your in: goto sleep late, wake up late, thus it's harder to get to sleep ealier in the day if you are used to later nights. If that's the case, it usually takes about 4 days to really break the old habit (hard to get to sleep) and start the new routine.
Do you usually stay up late either searching online or watching TV? I'm guilty of that myself...

Church wise I'm the same way. It's been awhile since I've actually been to a church, well because of work. And if I am somehow off, I'm usually too tired to get up and going. I've been to a few, but none of them have actually moved me. For me, I make up for lost church time w/ online studies and such. Different people have their own ways to strength their faith, for most it's church. But yeah, I know how you feel.

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope both the church and sleep thing work out.

/done.