Sick of Being Worthless

[Haibane Shadsie]

I need prayer to change some aspects of myself.

Today... I was late for work again... like.. half a day late. This is not unusual for me. It's a miracle that I still work at all, though I don't really care about the job I have because I don't get many hours anyway. It's like... I don't want to deal with people... like my boss... so I think.. if I'm a little bit late, she's going to be angry with me anyway, so it doesn't really matter if I'm a little more late...

I've had a lot of problems being on time for and keeping jobs. My problems are being on time... and just.. dealing with people. Bosses are a particular struggle for me. It's like... something about me resents athority on a viceral level. I get it in my head that a boss feels superior to me (in more than just the working sense). I don't know.

I'm also a night owl and not a morning person.. but even on jobs I've had in the afternoons, it's difficult for me to get up and leave the house and face... people, the world, work, whatever.

I am so friggin' lazy. I'm just sick of it.

Whenever I try to change.. whenever I try to do good and change these things about myself, I wind up FAILING.

I just... can't seem to light that fire under myself to do anything but mooch off others (parents, goverment)...

And.. well, I need God to do something.. I need him to change me.. to help me - or to take my life so I'm not a burden on people and society anymore.

Whenever I TRY to change.. whenever I make a resolution... I inevitiably FAIL. I might be doing good on it for a while, but eventually, I fall back into my laziness and same old behaviors.

I'm just sick of it and am not confident in myself to change.

[MillyFan]

You know I'm praying for you.

[Spiritsword]

I'll pray for you, Shadsie.

[The Grammarian]

I'll pray for you too.

[Locke]

no prob

[Rogie]

I'll pray for the Lord to work in your life, Shadsie.

[Saint Kevin]

I know I should probably have a separate thread for this, but because the struggle that Shadsie is having (with laziness) is almost the exact struggle I'm facing, can I ask all of you to pray for me too.

Thanks everyone, and know that I am praying for you Shadsie.

[Straylight]

I was like this at the beginning of last year. God brought me out of it. I'll definately pray for you Shadsie

[Knives]

I need prayer to change some aspects of myself.

Today... I was late for work again... like.. half a day late. This is not unusual for me. It's a miracle that I still work at all, though I don't really care about the job I have because I don't get many hours anyway. It's like... I don't want to deal with people... like my boss... so I think.. if I'm a little bit late, she's going to be angry with me anyway, so it doesn't really matter if I'm a little more late...

I've had a lot of problems being on time for and keeping jobs. My problems are being on time... and just.. dealing with people. Bosses are a particular struggle for me. It's like... something about me resents athority on a viceral level. I get it in my head that a boss feels superior to me (in more than just the working sense). I don't know.

I'm also a night owl and not a morning person.. but even on jobs I've had in the afternoons, it's difficult for me to get up and leave the house and face... people, the world, work, whatever.

I am so friggin' lazy. I'm just sick of it.

Whenever I try to change.. whenever I try to do good and change these things about myself, I wind up FAILING.

I just... can't seem to light that fire under myself to do anything but mooch off others (parents, goverment)...

And.. well, I need God to do something.. I need him to change me.. to help me - or to take my life so I'm not a burden on people and society anymore.

Whenever I TRY to change.. whenever I make a resolution... I inevitiably FAIL. I might be doing good on it for a while, but eventually, I fall back into my laziness and same old behaviors.

I'm just sick of it and am not confident in myself to change.

Ill pray for u. but u dont ask for god to take your life ok?

[Reverie]

I'm praying.

[Rashiir]

I'll definitely pray.

[YesIExist]

Here's a short answer: Jesus thought you were worthy enough to die for.

[cbwing0]

I will pray for both of you.

I will share something that may not be encouraging, but hopefully helpful. I have prayed to God that I be more sociable, cheerful, friendly, etc. So far, I haven't really changed to a significant extent, even after years of wanting to be otherwise. While it is possible that God would change your personality, I am be inclined to think that that it won't happen. The point is not to spend your time wishing for a better deal, but doing one (or both, preferably) of two things:

1.Making yourself better
2.Making the best of what you already have

If you aren't willing to take the steps necessary to make yourself better, then #2 is the only option.

[Saint Kevin]

And.. well, I need God to do something.. I need him to change me.. to help me - or to take my life so I'm not a burden on people and society anymore.

While you may be a burden on people and society, don't think that God should take your life. We are all a burden to each other at times, but as Christians, we are called to share one anothers burden's, and to build each other up.

Gal. 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
1 Th. 5:11 Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.
Eph. 4:2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love

You may be a burden now, but it will get better. As long as we have other Christians (and the Holy Spirit) to bear us up when we fall, we can get through anything.

[kirakira]

I'm praying for you.

[chibi_chan]

i'll pray for you too, and remember god is in control (least thats what my mom tells me) anyway hope that helps

[wiggins]

I know I should probably have a separate thread for this, but because the struggle that Shadsie is having (with laziness) is almost the exact struggle I'm facing, can I ask all of you to pray for me too.

Thanks everyone, and know that I am praying for you Shadsie.

Me too, I've that problem. I also can't seem to work and focus on things. Like right now, I'm supposed to be studying for a history test, but I am typing this... Please pray for me as well

I'll pray for you and Shadsie too

[Kisa]

I'll pray! ^_^

[Haibane Shadsie]

Keep praying. This hating myself just keeps going on and doesn't seem to be getting better. Yeah, I see little lights here and there, but... gah.

I don't really think I have any ambition to get better. It seems like whenever I do something good or something good happens... something bad happens or I mess up.

Yesterday set me off because I was having vehicular problems, and I think I was rude to my brother in law in seeking help (because he seemed to be being selfish over the phone, acting like even the littlest thing I'd ask of him was some great task. I was all... stranded.). If I were relying on my natural brother... he would have left me to rot and I would have had to get a taxi or walk home. (I was stranded quite far from home)...

and, now it continues becuase I was pissy toward the administrator of a message board/ fanfic archive. She was being pissy back in her messages, but she was well within her rights with my behavior.

It seems like whenever I need help from anybody... the way I get with my emotions.. I SCARE people. No one wants to deal with me because I'm scary and/or forceful and/or obnoxious, or something. Really, I am an obnoxious person. None of you want to live with me.

I just... wish I wasn't me sometimes. I'd like to take some aspects of myself along... I like my creativity, but that's about the only thing I've got going for me. It is probably why I get overly proud about my art sometimes - it's about the only thing people seem to really like about me. The rest is... ugh. and.. whenever I've tried to get better... let's just say that any improvement in me is a SLOW process. I'm pretty impaitient to be "perfected". I'm pretty darn eager to get to Heaven, a little too eager, I fear, sometimes.

I'm thinking... about where I was a little over 3 years ago. I was in a mental ward at an air force base in Texas for serious suicidal thoughts I had while in Air Force Basic Training. (I was going to be an Airman, something to do to get money for college, travel, maybe figure out my life)... anyway... I was in my process of deciding whether or not it was too dangerous for me to continue in the stress of boot camp- whether I should wash out and go home and try college again through loans and stuff, or if I should go ahead and try to push on ahead. Of course, I decided to wash out. I was seriously scared of what I'd do to myself.

However, my sense of utter failure over that (washing out of boot camp) has remained to this day. I'm thinking about that time, and how... if I saw the future.. where I am now... 3 years later, still financially dependent on my parents and not really able to take care of myself... 3 FRICKIN' YEARS.... I really hoped I wouldn't STILL be here - that I'd be at a decent job and "making it" on my own...*Sigh*. If I had seen what my life is now back then, I would have been so frightened I would have either pressed on in boot camp (and maybe be involved in our little wars?) or I would have impaled myself on one of the flags like I had images of doing to myself while in training.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

[Ammaranth]

You know, I'm really not sure what to say. I want to say that I know what you mean, because the situation you describe sounds very familliar -- painfully reminiscent of the course my own life has taken over the past few years. But I know how lousy that can sound when you've got a problem and someone says they understand, as if they really know what it feels like to be you. And so I'm back to that not knowing what to say part, which doesn't do a very good job of filling up space in a letter

You said a lot about wanting to change, and yet not feeling sure if you really wanted it enough to actually change or not. Maybe you don't need to change. Maybe you are ideally suited for something ELSE, just not where you are right now. Maybe you're not comfortable with punching a time clock and working nine to five and putting up with bosses because that's not you, that's not where you belong.

And besides, I'm glad you're not in Iraq, and very glad you didn't impale yourself -- there are too few night owls around here on the CAA. We need more people like you, not less.

Ammaranth

[Fsiphskilm]

Wow, Shadsie girl.

[true_noir_chloe]

I found the thread chibi_chan told me about. Sorry, it took awhile. Shadsie, I'd just like to say that I'm praying for you. Our family is praying for you, actually. ^_^

I agree with the folks who said you're probably not a 9 - 5 kind of person. Neither am I. What pleases me is that you're so open to talk about this, which means I think that God is really working in your heart, whether you know it or not.

To be quite honest, the person you describe is the person I've been struggling with for my whole life. I'm 42 and just recently really started to see changes in me around eight years ago. I've been praying my whole life to be a better person than I was. And, I was a campus missionary and worked in all kinds of Christian work since I was 18. I've always struggled with being agoraphobic and yet I've had to entertain in front of audiences. I just sometimes had to really push myself. Sometimes I hung on by a prayer (which is the best way to hang on), and other times I fell apart. You are who you are for a reason. I think it's made you a better observer than most. Some people plow along, confident and never stop to listen to the pain of anyone unless it serves their purpose of looking good. I've seen that a lot. Maybe you're more attuned to listen to others. I know in my walk I still don't know what God's purpose for my life is. He's still working on me and will be until I see Him face to face. I only know I now enjoy the walk, whereas before all I ever did was struggle and want change.

Change in the Lord is always subtle. It grows in the quiet times. It grows when your talking to your daughter in the car (for you it could be a neice), it grows when you're sitting in the middle of a service. It grows when you pray and meditate. You just need to be in places where God's voice can be heard and listen. One day, maybe years from now, you'll be thanking Him for always staying by your side and you'll finally realize He was there, even now, during the struggles. There is a really good song by Stephen Curtis Chapman called, "Sometimes He Comes in the Clouds." I've only found the recording on the compilation CD titled, "My Utmost for His Highest." It's a really good CD with various artists.

I always tell you to pm me and we'll talk. That invitation is always open. ^_^

[Mave]

Dear Haibane,

I'll definitely have you in my prayer list. I can't really balance my life with priorities very well. As a result, I'm kinda in trouble with my professors too coz I'm not progressing well at all. sometimes I feel like I'm not where I ought to be, but I know God has a purpose of placing me wherever, whenever and with whoever. That should be the same for you.

I'll share my church's sermon last Sunday. It was John 5, the story of the invalid who had been lame for 38 years. Jesus saw him, learnt about his condition and asked "Do you want to get well?" The pastor said, that question seems kinda dumb at first. It's like "Duuhh..you know I've been like this for a long time, why are you asking? Of course I want to get well!!"

What the pastor was trying to get into was the fact that many of us, we say we wish to get well but sometimes we don't have enough faith that it's really gonna happen or sometimes we subconsiously just feel comfortable with our condition and don't really wanna change. The lame man's answer to Jesus was he could not get well coz no one would help him into the pool.

I know for myself, sometimes I don't wanna get well coz I enjoy the sin. It's awful but true.

I'm glad to have you share about this personal issue and I pray that God may show you what He intends for you. Someone said earlier, "you're worthed enough for God to die for you." May that be an encouragement and I pray that the Spirit will lead you to take that bold step towards Jesus.