CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I need to spill this quick before I explode. This is one of my darkest secrets and has been since I was very little, and I want it to end. NOW.

My brother was and is quite degrading to me, and acts like he is my father. I've tried everything, before and after my finding Christ, from lashing out physically to playing a round of poker and just bringing it up as a side comment. But he just wouldn't stop. He hasn't for a good 10 years now. I do love my brother, and know that he loves me back (as a brother.), but I doubt that unless God plans to do something about it, he never will stop.

So, with my brother being my biggest spiritual and emotional damper, I, a young child, had to resort to something. I remembered... my sister was always nice. If I act like my sister, maybe I'll feel better about myself. (This was quite a time back.) So... I began to take note of what my sister did. She mimicked my aunt, read books, and wore girls clothes. I wasn't too fond of my aunt, and I'd read almost every book in our house.

I can only hope that you understand what that led to, to save me the despair of saying it flat out.

So I developed a habit. It started out as a phase, when I was VERY little, then it ended.
Until middle school.
At the beginning of 6th grade, my brother decided he'd be my father again. So he put a LOT of effort in telling me EVERY SINGLE thing I was doing wrong, correcting me at every turn, and just in general being cruel.

I was, to sum up a long story, miserable. I spent a good week or so sobbing in bed thinking about how cruel my brother was. (Sure, I had cruelty at school, that was even worse than what my brother dished out, and I dealt with that quite well. But... something was different.) So, that not doing anything, I needed an outlet again. Then I remembered what I did so many years ago.

So, being a semi-intellectual, I did some research on the whole ordeal. I found out that the people who usually had such thoughts and traits as I in this case were people that, I knew, I didn't want to end up like.

Did that stop me? Heck no.

Yet as I commenced this trait (in private, never being caught), I'd realize that I had a fatally low self esteem. I soon found out that this wasn't helping.

You see, I have an extreme guilt problem. I recall dumb things I did a good 3 years ago, and I'm STILL remorseful about those. Someone could easily say "Dude, they're in the past, let them go." Uh-uh. Not me. It's hard for me to let go for some reason.

Then, many months ago, I met the Lord... for Real. Not just felt figures on a felt board and then you get crackers where you don't get seconds. I mean, Jesus Christ's hand, without doubt.

The question about all this immediately came to mind. I tried all sorts of methods to stop it, like when I was home alone I'd try to focus on other things, but... it'd just seem to peek out. It's like it'd never go away... One I'd never wish on anyone, and didn't at the time either, bar myself.

One day, my brother, helpful as ever, in the middle of a fight, brought up my little trait. That made me freeze in place and imagine what I had contemplated one day before feeling God's hand, one method I considered to make it all go away...

I don't get it. I'm usually quite happy, and in fact singing and thinking worship songs at that point, until suddenly-WHACKO. I'm very aware that it's Satan, but this can't just be a minor demon we're talking about here.

Do NOT get me wrong here. I'm DEFINITELY straight. I've been straight ever since I knew what it was and what it WASN'T. Heck, I even confess thoughts about them that I wouldn't want to state amongst younger minds.

I don't want to end up otherwise. I want to end it here, now.

I only ask for . All I ask of any of you is to pray. I don't think one human is enough to combat this demon. I don't want my future wife to realize that her husband was perverse in any way, even if just an escape from a problem.

(Note: My mother is aware of this problem and brought up the topic of Ranma 1/2 and a possible problem. I have never thought of the show during such... events. In fact, I feel the show's given a NEGATIVE aspect to the trait. The main character, who changes gender by means of cold/hot water (for those who don't know), usually portrays a similar trait in a negative and comedic means almost dupllicate to that of Bugs Bunny, and never gives the idea that such is okay, since Ranma usually hates doing it and only does so to get something that he wants (again, Bugs Bunny-Esque).)


Oof... thank you for listening to me pour out my darkest secret. I feel much lighter of the heart and soul.

(P.S: As long as I'm spilling my guts, is it wrong to be somewhat dark? Not as in MEGA dark, like people that draw the pentagram for a hobby, but... uh, say that your style is modestly dark, like, uh... you draw skeletons "Dio De Los Muertos" style, and you write music that's moderately dark, a la Danny Elfman. I happen to do both.)

I think I'm grasping a little of what you're trying to say. I can definitely pray for you, but what would happen if you simply stopped?

Thank you, Shooraijin. You've been good support for me when asked for it, at almost every turn.

I've tried going cold-turkey, so to speak. Satan's too powerful to just let me sorta casually "let it go". I mean, I DO want it to end, and I've tried many methods, but they won't go unless I get ALL of God's hand, if you know what I mean by that.

I have tried cold-turkey, but that does bring me the idea of doing so again. Hm... (Still would be nice to have your prayers in this matter tho.)

Is your brother the only trigger, or are there other things?

Hi, looks like you've been on for a while but I've never met you so Hi.

You wrote a lot and it'll be hard for me to remember and respond to everything.
Romans 8 is a really good chapter to read and I think I had better read it for myself so I practice what I preach! lol. I'll just put down Romans 8:1= "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

In regards to your question about whether or not it's right to have a dark style, just ask yourself what Jesus thinks about it. If it's acceptable to Him, then you're ok. I certainly won't judge you for that.

I do believe that everything we watch and listen to has a spirit behind it. Whether it be a good spirit or a bad spirit. Yeah, you should be cautious about what you let yourself see--I wouldn't know if Ranma 1/2 is the problem though.

You shouldn't have to go through this alone! I will pray for you, so I hope you are encouraged. All things are possible with God. Proverbs 15:1= "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

hey man, thanks for your story. It may be a hard fight but we all fight some hard battle in life whether it be this issue, depression, inpure thoughts(ie porn) or etc. But i know you'll be able to beat this. Through God anything is possible, and sometimes it takes time. All you can do is keep praying for Gods help and never give up. And i'll do the same for you; i'll keep you in my prayers. As i believe the other members will too.

Thanks for sharing your struggle with us.
I'll definatly pray for you Zoup.
Is your brother a christian? or your mum or dad? If so then talk in terms of Christ and how it make you feel. I realize that your bro is probably a nugget and that you can't relate to him in that way. Pray for yourself, God help and for your brother aswell, that he grows up.

God will sort it out for you if you trust him to do it in his time.
We'll pray.

Wow... that's a huge thing to deal with. Like the others said, thanks for trusting us enough to share your story. I'll be praying for you. =_= I only wish I could do more.

answer...

We all face struggles like this and yes, Satan is a very difficult adversary, but with God we can overcome our struggles. I know i need support in my own struggle and i'm happy to help you in yours. Just do the best you can. Nobody can ask more than that from you and try not to dwell on your failures. You can get through this. I will pray for you as well.

zoupzuop2, thank you for getting a lot off your chest. I know it's not easy to admit these things.

I've gone through a lot of pain and hurt (both by my peers and my family), so I know how you feel. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that anything you try to lessen the pain or help you forget about it will only be temporary and will only cause you to hurt more down the road. Furthermore, anything you do on your own strength will not change the heart of your brother.

You've probably heard this before, but I will say it again anyway. Take your pain and hurt to God and ask for His healing. He will give it if you ask, and although it's not an instantaneous process, it will happen over time. As for dealing with your brother, I will pray that God will give you wisdom, discernment and patience to deal with him, and that God will change your brother (as he's the only one who can).

Also, can you find a spiritually mature adult male (e.g. a pastor, a youth pastor, someone in the church) that you could trust enough to talk to? I found that often times having someone like that who you could talk with whenever you were having problems really helped a lot.

Just to share this with you, in my life my mother often angered me by acting in a very unChristlike manner. This caused me to get unChristlike towards her as well. This cycle continued for several years until I finally took one of the lessons my Dad kept telling me to heart. He always told me to just worry about fixing myself and try to act in a Christlike manner towards her, and to let God take care of fixing my Mom. This was very hard for me to do, but once I started doing it things became better. She didn't change dramatically or anything, but our relationship got a lot better.

I'm sorry that your brother is so degrading to you. I myself am the oldest in my family. I'm not always kind to my younger siblings, partly because of the age gap and thus maturity difference. Sometimes we expect our younger brothers or sisters to be as "mature" as we are, which is very unrealistic. So even though sometimes we think that we're actually helping our siblings become more mature, we're actually just causing them hurt.

Thank you all. To have so many people, people I haven't met in person, actually doing this for me, means quite a lot.

My family is completely Christian, reaching almost the entire way both sides through every one that's alive, and past that for a ways.

As for your question, Shoorajin, my brother is not THE trigger, but a fairly large asset to it. As I said once before, he's not the only one who used to pester me; he just used to do it fairly often. It's a combination of things; usually the main trigger is something that dampens my self esteem.

Volt wrote:answer... =

You are spilling out a lot but hiding so much. I read your entire post and I can tell every little secret you're trying to get out. It's apparent that you want to find someone to talk to, someone you can tell everything to, unedited, uncensored. Everything you're going through I've also gone through, the abusive father, homosexuality, self-abuse, sexual identities, suicide, depression, being looked down on, being manipulated by higher authorities.

for now, The only advice i have is this,

Don't be angry at the people in your life that make things hard, our life is our story. and EVERY story has a villan, nothing personal, it's just a nessessity, without villans to ruin things and go against us, we wouldn't grow, So don't look at your family members and think they hate you, they're just your villans, nothing personal, just business.

always feel free to e-mail me, I'll be honest if you are...

Whoa, hold on. I'd probably best clear something up. My father is NOT abusive. I doubt he'd be able to live with himself if he was. The problem is that my brother thinks that he is God #2 (Hypothetically, that's not the exact case), and has quite some control. My actual father has little to do with this, bar the fact that we both inherit our "Y" gene from him.

Thank you for the concern, tho.

no no no,The things I

*huggles* Dude...I kinda know how you feel. I need to share something. I have been saved for 2 years now...and not until a few weeks ago did God show me something through a friend of mine. He showed me how to forgive myself.

God is our father. So...in being our father...he loves us unconditionaly. You see...we are toddlers...and God is our father teaching us how to twalk. So...we take a few steps and we fall, like most toddlers do. But God...he's patient....so what dose he do? He smiles and leans over us, wrapping his loving arms around us as he says, "it's ok my little one...now stand and walk." He lifts us up if we will let him...sets us on our feet...takes a step back and with a hand extended says..."walk to me my child." And so...we take a few more steps...and we fall again. God smiles and dose it again. You see?

My problem was...when god tried to pick me up I was guilty...so I sturggled and cried and cried and cried, rolling around in the dirt until I could no longer see where God was...and I was wandering in darknes.

we have no reason to be guilty...God dosn't hold anything against you or me. He loves us with all his heart...so everything will be ok.

You have a demon in you, a spirit of guilt. You have to pray that they holy spirit comes upon you and DECLARE IN JESUS"S NAME that Jesus binds the demon and casts him back to hell! I know...because I had to do this too. THat is the only way to feel fully forgiven by god. I'll be praying man...take care and God bless.

Geoffrey AKA: Nori

> usually the main trigger is something that dampens my self esteem.

I guess the question then becomes, does doing that seem to help rebuild your self-esteem? If it does, why? What could you do to achieve that otherwise?

If it doesn't, or you recognise that the relief it brings is only temporary, that may be some food for thought.

Wow, that took some real courage and real faith to tell us, but it's good that you did. Your brothers and sisters in Christ are always the best people to turn to (apart from God, of course). I won't repeat what others have said, and I'll pray for you!

I'm glad you trusted us enough to say that. I'll definitely pray for you. Don't give up; God will help you through this!

Volt wrote:no no no, I mean MY father was abusive... you mensioned your Mother is abusive.
So both of us have the same thing in common, abusive parents.

The things I mensioned are thing's I've delt with, not nessessarily things you are currently having problems with.

What? When did I mention that my mother was abusive?
I said she knew about my problem, but she is VERY in touch with God, and she would never live with herself if she came CLOSE to abuse.

We are here to help, zoupzuop2, but we can only do so much, and a lot of the time we just end up confused or confusing others. I speak for a lot of us when we say we want to help and we'll do what we can, but I think SManBeyond was good to recommend speaking with a trusted, mature Christian man, a minister or a counselor. A good face to face person, someone who can hold you accountable could be just what you need to help you out. It’s hard to provide that kind of support when you are just a few typed words and an avatar.

I’ll help any way I can, but please consider getting some face-to-face help as well.

God bless.

*hug* Praying for you.

Wow. That sounds hard, having a brother like that. I'll be praying for you!

i will pray for you

Thank you for your prayers and advice. The problem's been dying down, but I do actually think that face-to-face help would work... besides, I DO have personal connections (as in family) to the famed Tony LoBue...

*is in the dark* Who's that? eh heh...
What does he have to do with your situation, if you don't mind my asking?