My brother was and is quite degrading to me, and acts like he is my father. I've tried everything, before and after my finding Christ, from lashing out physically to playing a round of poker and just bringing it up as a side comment. But he just wouldn't stop. He hasn't for a good 10 years now. I do love my brother, and know that he loves me back (as a brother.), but I doubt that unless God plans to do something about it, he never will stop.
So, with my brother being my biggest spiritual and emotional damper, I, a young child, had to resort to something. I remembered... my sister was always nice. If I act like my sister, maybe I'll feel better about myself. (This was quite a time back.) So... I began to take note of what my sister did. She mimicked my aunt, read books, and wore girls clothes. I wasn't too fond of my aunt, and I'd read almost every book in our house.
I can only hope that you understand what that led to, to save me the despair of saying it flat out.
So I developed a habit. It started out as a phase, when I was VERY little, then it ended.
Until middle school.
At the beginning of 6th grade, my brother decided he'd be my father again. So he put a LOT of effort in telling me EVERY SINGLE thing I was doing wrong, correcting me at every turn, and just in general being cruel.
I was, to sum up a long story, miserable. I spent a good week or so sobbing in bed thinking about how cruel my brother was. (Sure, I had cruelty at school, that was even worse than what my brother dished out, and I dealt with that quite well. But... something was different.) So, that not doing anything, I needed an outlet again. Then I remembered what I did so many years ago.
So, being a semi-intellectual, I did some research on the whole ordeal. I found out that the people who usually had such thoughts and traits as I in this case were people that, I knew, I didn't want to end up like.
Did that stop me? Heck no.
Yet as I commenced this trait (in private, never being caught), I'd realize that I had a fatally low self esteem. I soon found out that this wasn't helping.
You see, I have an extreme guilt problem. I recall dumb things I did a good 3 years ago, and I'm STILL remorseful about those. Someone could easily say "Dude, they're in the past, let them go." Uh-uh. Not me. It's hard for me to let go for some reason.
Then, many months ago, I met the Lord... for Real. Not just felt figures on a felt board and then you get crackers where you don't get seconds. I mean, Jesus Christ's hand, without doubt.
The question about all this immediately came to mind. I tried all sorts of methods to stop it, like when I was home alone I'd try to focus on other things, but... it'd just seem to peek out. It's like it'd never go away... One I'd never wish on anyone, and didn't at the time either, bar myself.
One day, my brother, helpful as ever, in the middle of a fight, brought up my little trait. That made me freeze in place and imagine what I had contemplated one day before feeling God's hand, one method I considered to make it all go away...
I don't get it. I'm usually quite happy, and in fact singing and thinking worship songs at that point, until suddenly-WHACKO. I'm very aware that it's Satan, but this can't just be a minor demon we're talking about here.
Do NOT get me wrong here. I'm DEFINITELY straight. I've been straight ever since I knew what it was and what it WASN'T. Heck, I even confess thoughts about them that I wouldn't want to state amongst younger minds.
I don't want to end up otherwise. I want to end it here, now.
I only ask for
. All I ask of any of you is to pray. I don't think one human is enough to combat this demon. I don't want my future wife to realize that her husband was perverse in any way, even if just an escape from a problem.(Note: My mother is aware of this problem and brought up the topic of Ranma 1/2 and a possible problem. I have never thought of the show during such... events. In fact, I feel the show's given a NEGATIVE aspect to the trait. The main character, who changes gender by means of cold/hot water (for those who don't know), usually portrays a similar trait in a negative and comedic means almost dupllicate to that of Bugs Bunny, and never gives the idea that such is okay, since Ranma usually hates doing it and only does so to get something that he wants (again, Bugs Bunny-Esque).)
Oof... thank you for listening to me pour out my darkest secret. I feel much lighter of the heart and soul.
(P.S: As long as I'm spilling my guts, is it wrong to be somewhat dark? Not as in MEGA dark, like people that draw the pentagram for a hobby, but... uh, say that your style is modestly dark, like, uh... you draw skeletons "Dio De Los Muertos" style, and you write music that's moderately dark, a la Danny Elfman. I happen to do both.)
